Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Twilight or it's characters, Stephenie Meyer does. Although I wouldn't mind renting Edward for a while.
A/N: I wanted to explore Edward's apprehension about getting more physical with Bella and just how deadly & dangerous he can be. Some dark images here & there. The boy's got issues. And maybe along the way, I can do my best to throw some steamy goodness in the middle of all that!
Prologue: Everything's Biological
Our wedding was fast approaching.
In some ways not fast enough for me, and in others it seemed like a dark cloud hanging over my head. I was very eager to make this amazing girl... no, woman... my wife. However, that didn't stop my apprehension about certain...activities that could not be delayed any longer once that momentous occasion had taken place.
Bella was the complete opposite. She couldn't care at all if the wedding never came, or was at least postponed for a few years. But she wanted all the spoils that marriage brought with it, and I was too old fashioned to let that happen without a firm and binding commitment.
So we made a compromise. She would agree to become my loving wife, and I would agree to at least try to consummate our marriage bed.
If I didn't murder her in the process, of course.
Bella thinks it's almost cute when I try and explain my fears to her about losing my control in the heat of the moment. She has complete faith in me that I will never hurt her. While her faith in me is very endearing, I wish I could be as confident as she is. She thinks that I am only worried about harming her with my physical strength, which is usually our only obstacle these days since I have become more accustomed to her scent.
If only that were true.
It was true that I had learned to control myself around her on a daily basis. The familiarity of having her always close to me had greatly helped to reduce my urges; somewhat desensitized me to her so that we could carry on a fairly normal relationship. Well, as normal as a relationship could ever be between a human and a vampire.
But what my dear little Bella didn't realize was that, however dormant it may be, the violent bloodlust was still there, just waiting to come out. I had thought it was pretty well under wraps, myself. It had been months of constant exposure to her and her intoxicating scent, and I was barely phased by it anymore. Until we started taking things between us to another level.
I had kept things fairly chaste between us for the duration of our relationship. This brought no end of complaints from my lovely wife-to-be, who was rather hot-blooded, ironically, and getting crankier by the day as we continued with kisses and cuddles. She was under the delusion that I didn't want her, at least not as much as she wanted me. She thought that she no longer affected me physically once the desire for her blood had been subdued. I loved her, but sometimes the level of her absurdity amazed me.
I realize that I hadn't been completely open with her about the subject, and perhaps she would have less doubts if she knew the truth, but I couldn't stop trying to protect her from the ugliest sides of my nature. Not only did I want her, but I wanted her with a violent urgency that made most rapists seem sane and level headed.
Since the very first day I met Bella, I knew I would never be the same again. She knew that I had been overcome by her scent in Biology class. I had admitted as much to her to try and explain my craving for her blood back when I foolishly thought I could stop this love from growing between us. She knew that her sweet blood called out to me as no other had in my entire existence. She knew that I had done nothing but sit there and try to dream up different ways to lure her away and kill her. She knew all of that and still chose to stay with me. She had faith, she believed in me. She was positive that I would never hurt her. I knew that I didn't want to kill her, but that I very well could. She accepted that and decided that even if I did lose control, it would be better than staying apart. She would rather die than stay away from me.
How the hell was I supposed to tell her the rest of it after an amazing declaration like that? This small, fragile human girl had brought me to my knees with a love I had not wanted or expected, but was addicted to just the same. I did not want to jeopardize that by explaining just how closely blood and lust went together for me. At least where she was concerned.
That first day in class, I was shocked for so many reasons when I smelled her scent. Yes, it had ignited a fiery need in me, a thirst that I had never known. But it had also awakened a part of me that I had assumed was long gone and forgotten, dead with the rest of my body. Lust. Not simple bloodlust, the craving of that delectable, vital fluid. I had experienced that in the past and learned to control it. This was Blood and Lust. Oh I wanted her blood... but I wanted another delectable, vital fluid from her as well.
I can still remember that day so vividly.
When Bella had entered the classroom, I was curious about her. I had noticed in the cafeteria that I couldn't pick up on her thoughts yet, so I was determined to pry a little harder and see if I could crack whatever brick wall was in my way. As she walked closer to me, I studied her appearance and didn't see anything that I would have called noteworthy. She was fairly attractive, but just as many of the other girls at the school were. None of them ever did anything for me, either. I honestly didn't see what had all of the other boys at school in such a state, other than the fact that she was something new. I probably would not have taken any more notice of her at all if it hadn't been for the fact that I couldn't hear her thoughts. That intrigued me. And frustrated me.
I don't like to be frustrated.
So there I was, waiting patiently to dig around in her mind for a while, when the breeze carried her scent straight to me and changed my life forever. I felt like I had been punched in the face and the stomach at the same time. If I'd been human, the wind would have been knocked out of me as well. It felt as though a hot poker was searing my throat, my thirst was so instantaneous, but that fire started to spread throughout my entire body. Every inch of me was thrumming with electricity, from my fingertips to my toes. This was no normal bloodlust for me. I was not merely hungry. The electrical current continued to radiate along my limbs. My ears even felt hot.
I tried to stop breathing her in. I thought that if I cut off the scent I would be alright, but she was already coursing through my veins. Scorching, painful need. I felt pulled to her, like she was a gigantic magnet. That's when I noticed something else, something that had also begun to thrum with electricity. It was unfamiliar to me, I didn't immediately remember the sensation. I was getting aroused.
I hadn't wanted a woman physically in ninety years. I had imagined myself to be above those baser human needs. My family had all experienced physical love, they had all formed eternal relationships with others like themselves. It wasn't as if sex was physically impossible for a vampire, but I had never felt those urges. I had never met any woman, vampire or human, that even slightly interested me in that way. I had honestly thought that I just wasn't wired the same way as the others were. Even when I tried to think back to my murky memories as a human, I had been more concerned with becoming a soldier than I had ever been with finding a bedmate.
That's not to say that I had never been aroused as a human. I had muddy, blurry images of one or two girls that had lived in my old neighborhood in Chicago. One had been a few years older and very well-read; her intelligence and poise were very attractive to me. I vaguely remembered her being the closest thing to a "crush" that I had ever had. I remembered wanting so badly to kiss her, but she had been engaged to an older man before she was eighteen. When I would think of her and what kissing her might be like, I would have a very unexpected reaction, although nothing like what was happening to me now. I only could ever remember how ashamed I was with myself whenever that would happen. It was so disrespectful. She was a lady and deserved better than that.
It was not long after that when talk of war was on everyone's lips and all of my attention was stolen away from that lovely girl and my inappropriate responses to her. It had never been that much of a sacrifice. I couldn't even remember her name now.
Then my family got sick, which brought me to Carlisle. When I began noticing after my transformation that I never got those annoying morning wake up calls anymore, I just figured that my entire body was dead to any human needs. End of story.
Well, there I was, sitting in a classroom full of students, trying with every ounce of my strength to not grab this strange new girl and drag her off to rip her throat open at the same moment I buried myself inside her to the hilt. It was as if decades of latent seventeen year old boy lust had decided to gang up on me in a retrograde attack. Bella Swan had given me a painful thirst for her blood... and the first erection I'd experienced in ninety years.
The more I thought about it, the harder I got. The more violent the murder scene in my mind, the more I could feel the pulsing and throbbing in my manhood. Each time she shifted in her seat or flipped her hair, I was struck with another wave of molten lust. I felt my final grasp on sanity snap as I stood up and cleared the table off in one swoop of my arm, sending the microscope shattering to the floor and little jars of planaria flying across the room. I grabbed Bella and threw her on top of the desk in front of the entire class, her clothing ripped into shreds within seconds. My engorged shaft was sinking deep inside of her and pumping away roughly as I brought my mouth down on her throat. I could feel my teeth breaking the delicate skin of her neck the same way that my cock was penetrating her body.
Then came the blood. Sweet, glorious nectar. It was so hot, so delicious. It flowed as freely as the juices between her legs, covering me. I drank and drank with reckless abandon while I thrust even harder into her welcoming body. She moaned and whimpered and held me tightly, loving this glorious death I was giving her.
Harder, harder, faster. I drank and I thrust, her blood all over my face and hands, reveling in the kill. I reached a blood stained hand up and cupped her face, stopping to kiss her deeply, smearing her own blood on her lips and leaving a crimson hand print on her cheek. She kissed me back softly and looked deep into my eyes. I could see the life draining out of them as I got closer to my release. I felt an unfamiliar pressure building in my body, an urgency unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I returned to her throat, swallowing her last few precious drops as I slammed into her one final time, releasing my own fluids deep inside her still shaking body.
Just at that moment the bell rang, interrupting my hallucinations and private humiliation. I jumped up and ran to the restroom, trying to remember to walk slowly enough to not attract attention. If I could have vomited I would have. I was absolutely horrified at what I had just experienced, the grisly things that I had fantasized about. To make matters worse, I had been so aroused by these violent images that I had actually climaxed from nothing more than a fantasy. This was bad. This was a definite problem.
I avoided Bella like the plague for weeks after that. I thought I could force myself to forget my hunger for her. It didn't seem to help much, since every time I even thought about her and her scent my newly re-born erection sprang to life in record time. I could handle the humiliation of sporting wood like a fourteen year old boy every time I was near her, if only it wasn't accompanied by the disturbing and violent fantasies.
Blood. Always her blood. It went hand in hand with anything sexual I ever felt for her. If I felt hunger from smelling her blood, I got instantly aroused and wanted to literally fuck her to death. If I let my mind wander and try to dream up erotic scenarios of the two of us, I always ended up covered in her blood by the time I climaxed in my mind. This made any attempt at masturbation an unsettling event. I was already mortified that I was resorting to doing something so vulgar just to assuage my newfound lust, but to be unable to keep thoughts of Bella's death from entering my mind just at my moment of release made me feel absolutely disgusted with myself.
I worked so hard to make myself immune to her. Once I admitted to myself that I cared for her in more ways than I had expected, I knew it was time to try and cage the beast inside of me. I could not go on living if I hurt the girl I had come to love. I forced myself to be near her as much as possible, forced myself to become accustomed to her magnetic scent. It took me months, but at some point I realized that I wasn't needing to hold back as much. Her scent didn't cause me near as much physical pain and hunger as it had in the beginning.
That gave me hope that we just might be able to be together without coming to a violent end. I took her to my secret meadow, finally trusting myself enough to be near her without any witnesses. I tried to explain that there still may be danger in our being together, but she was so fascinated by me and this new emotion we had found together that she didn't care. Her love was big enough to give it a real try, regardless of the outcome. I knew at that moment that she was worth my pain. I would fight in any way possible to keep my urges at bay.
I couldn't believe that I actually kissed her that day. I hadn't even been planning on kissing her. Of course I wanted to, I had thought of covering her entire body with my kisses many times, but I had been too terrified of what I might do to her. Something overcame me that afternoon. I was almost giddy with my love for her and the fact that I was conquering my hunger. I could run with her on my back and have her scent soaked into my clothing, all without the slightest problem. Well, other than my constant arousal, of course. I never let my guard down with her, but I had been so successful that I wanted to push my limits. Perhaps if I could guard myself that well, a small kiss wouldn't be impossible.
When I pulled her into my arms, I intended nothing but a soft brushing of lips, just to see for once how she felt against me. The feel of her in my arms was amazing. She made me feel alive again. I was so busy patting myself on the back for my self-restraint that I forgot to worry about the lack of hers.
The moment our lips touched she ignited like a wild brush fire. She slammed her body against mine, all thoughts of her safety out the window. My hands instinctively went to her waist, pulling her closer still. I felt her hands grip my hair in bunches and roughly pull me deeper into her waiting mouth. My body felt like it had been electrocuted. My cock was rock hard in an instant and fighting against the fabric of my jeans. Just as I was instinctively about to reach down and cup her firm ass, pulling her hard against me so that I could grind into her and let her see what she had done to me, I heard her groan. Loudly. I don't think she even remembers doing it. That sound drove me wild. I was getting feverish. It heightened my senses even more, trying to take in every little detail about this amazing moment. That's when the scent hit me.
I had thought it was difficult to deal with Bella's blood and my lust. That was absolute child's play compared to Bella's own intoxicating arousal mixed with the scent of her boiling sweet blood. Not only did her blood sing out to me, begging me to drink it, but her body was weeping for me to claim her. In that one instant I could smell her pooling moisture. If I glanced down I could see her hard nipples poking against the fabric of her shirt. My erection nearly exploded at the heady sensations flowing through me. My hands were itching to rip her shirt off. My pulse was ringing in my ears. No... not my pulse. I didn't have a pulse. Her pulse.
I looked down at the inviting column of her neck... I could see it there, just under the skin. Her glorious, luminous skin. There was a thick, blue vein pulsing and pounding, drumming out to me. It would only take the tiniest movement, just the smallest of kisses. I could feel the venom filling my mouth as Bella's pulse pounded louder in my ears. I realized that my cock was throbbing to the exact same beat.
This all occurred in a matter of seconds. When I realized where my thoughts were headed again, I froze solid and politely pushed Bella away from me. I didn't want to scare her. She was apologetic, worried about the discomfort she had caused me, when she had very nearly been ripped apart at the seams only seconds before. I really was stronger than I thought. I had no idea how I had managed to stop myself that time. If it were only the smell of Bella's arousal, I could possibly learn to handle that. It would definitely lead to many more long nights of rusty, awkward self loving, but I would learn to adapt. But the things that her arousal did to her blood!
I had no doubt in my mind that I had waited an eternity for this girl. Everything about her sang to me. The problem was convincing my body that she was not meant to be my last supper, but rather my first love. My eternal love. How would I keep from attacking her in a weak moment? This had been one small kiss. Well, I had been able to control it, but the thought of trying anything further was absolutely terrifying to me. I wanted her so badly. My body was still screaming for her. Even then, after realizing how close I'd been to biting her, I was still rock hard.
I had been haunted by the image of that delicate, dancing blue vein for weeks. Every time I wanted to kiss her more deeply, or hold her more closely, or respond to her in any more affirmative way, that beautiful blue vein would flash in my mind, reminding me that I could too easily lose control. I had overcome my basic thirst for Bella, but never my hunger.
She wanted to take things further. Every time we touched I could sense it. I wasn't giving her enough of what she wanted. She wanted all of me, and I only felt safe giving over a fraction of myself.
I didn't want Bella to see that side of me. Ever. I wanted to keep that beast locked away in a box in my mind, never to see the light of day. I thought I'd had it beaten, too. At least, to a manageable degree. I knew I would always want her madly, but I had hoped that keeping things tame between us from that point on would stop the madness and frenzy from taking over.
Bella was done with tame. She wanted sex. With me. A fact that still wreaked havoc on my nether regions whenever I imagined it. And to top it all off, she wanted to be with me forever. Literally. Bella wanted me to turn her into a vampire, so that she could always be by my side. Just the thought of having her with me forever made my chest swell with pride.
However, I did not like the idea of taking her life away from her. I had fought so hard to keep her alive! I didn't want to condemn her to a life like mine. Bella did not see it as the ending of her life. She saw it as the beginning of our new life together. But she had one final request, one final human experience that she wanted to share with me.
I had underestimated how persuasive Bella could be when she wanted something.
So here we are... our wedding is fast approaching and the groom is getting cold feet about the wedding night. I am terrified of not only crushing her to death with brute force, but losing my control and killing her in the heat of the moment. You know, typical newlywed problems.
Perhaps Bella has a point... practice does make perfect.
A/N: I have more chapters coming, and the dialogue will start soon. My goal is for this to become less dark and much steamier. Bear with me, folks! I just wanted to get this out there and see what everyone thought. I am very interested in any feedback, questions or reviews.