Disclaimer: All characters, settings, etc. that are recognizable are the property of their respective owners. I am not associated with the owners, creators or producers of any media franchise. Original characters and plot lines are Ethereal Euphoria's property. No copyright infringement intended.

Title: Zonkers

Summary: AU. Unknown to the rest of the Wizarding world, Harry is taken from the ruins of Godric's Hollow and is trained to become the man he needs to become. Who knew Monopoly could do all that?

Authors Note: This is really just an idea that came to me. It basically, just popped into my head and I couldn't seem to stop myself from writing it. This will also be a sort of Harry is a prodigy but not as much as in my other story Prodigal Delinquent. Harry will be a bit advanced though... but that's the point of the whole training-his-entire-life thing. Oh btw, NO PAIRINGS PLANNED as of yet. And just for the curious: this story is NOT BETA'D.

Chapter 2 – Advance token to Boardwalk

It had officially been nine years, nine months and nine days since young Harvey had been salvaged from the ruins of Godric's Hollow. At age ten, Harvey William Zonko could boast many-a-things he had done in his young life that people three times his age could not. At age 3, he had found himself in a nest of baby basilisks, hissing about his upcoming death while Zonko had a chat with their mother. At age 5, he had climbed Mount Olympus, and was kicked out (thrown down the mountain) the second his Olympian-styled sandal touched the top while Zonko watched from the base of the mountain, chuckling at how naïve his son had been believing that he could actually lay his eyes on some gods. At age 8, he had a run in with an Acromantula and its devil spawns, escaping with his life, and gaining a life debt to one of the devil spawns (one of the said devil spawns saved his life accidentally by spinning a web to stop Harveys fall into a deep crevice. The spawn was curious about him and asked that he promise the spawn a life debt if the spawn would get its siblings to back off.) while Zonko collected the strings of the web from the empty Acromantula nest, whistling a happy tune as he went about it.

Now at age ten, Harvey was confident he could face whatever his eccentric Father had in store for him. Well, that was until his Father decided to leave him completely and utterly... alone.

It had been nine days, nine hours and nine seconds since he had heard from the man named William Harvey Zonko. Harvey William Zonko had officially been wide-awake for nine days, nine hours and nine seconds. He could not remember a time when his Father disappeared for more than a few hours before returning. His Father was meticulous in that aspect. He always left a note in the form of some kind of riddle that Harvey would end up solving until he returned. He also informed the house elves, so they may be able to deliver food to Harvey's room while he stayed in, solving the riddle. And the last damning evidence was that Adam was nowhere in sight. Adam always suddenly appeared for no reason, giving helpful hints to solve said riddle. But Adam was now at the shop. He had been for days. Harvey had owled the man but a short reply came back after a few hours explicitly accounting that Adam was undergoing inventory of the store and was up in his elbows with paperwork. He would not be visiting any time soon.

So that left the question: Where was Mr. W. H. Zonko?

Harvey was in his room, hoping against hope that the riddle would appear out of nowhere and assure him that his Father was alright. Adam had assured him that Zonko wouldn't just up and leave him. But that was five days ago. Harvey was at his wits end.

He looked around his room and smiled. The ceiling used to be a textured-white, bright and made him think of clouds. However, it was now covered in newspaper articles and magazine cut-outs that interested him. It was filled with moving pictures and words. Harvey liked to look up at the words and laugh when they would randomly rearrange themselves into a quotation from someone famous or a joke to amuse him. If the ceiling seemed busy, it was nothing compared to the walls. Once a calming off-sky blue, it was now covered with long strips of wood that went from one side to the other, wrapping around the entire room from floor to ceiling except for the wall that held the doors. It was full of trinkets that were 'consolation prizes' from the daily games he and his Father played. There were various things such as a crystal ball, a piece of string, a miniature gargoyle statue, and a cook book. The wall that did not contain trinkets had three doors. The white one went to his private bath, the red one to his closet that also held the few prizes he had received by winning games (such as Fly Fishing, where he used bubble gum, a stick and a piece of string and caught a black fly three seconds before his Father did, and Rock-Paper-Scissors), and the green door led back to the rest of the manor. His bed was set at the center of the room and was sunken into the floor. It was round and had a few steps (just two) that led to it from the floor. It was feather-soft and was a great trampoline.

Harvey used to have windows… but he had been attacked by a rampage of a thousand owls one day when he was five and his Father had asked him if he wanted the windows removed. Harvey agreed immediately and his mail was rerouted to one of the empty rooms in the Manor, he had yet to visit since he feared the number of letters he had to go through. If there was a thousand of them that day, imagine how much had accumulated since!

Harvey brought his thoughts back to his Father. He was beginning get worried… maybe one of the factories had blown up? But that wouldn't merit his Father's interest… He would just ask Adam to ask the rest of the company what happened. But he usually only left the house when he had some sort of business elsewhere…

Harvey was about to bring in the big guns. His Father had once told him what to do when a day came that Harvey wouldn't hear a word from his Father for days. Now if he could find one that was big enough…

~.….~

Oliver Wood was having a good morning. He had just come from a very productive Quidditch Practice where his new player, Katie Bell, had finally gotten in-tune with last years' chaser veterans Alicia Spinnet and Angelina Johnson. He was still a bit worried that his beaters were both Seventh-Years but he was confident that he would find replacements soon. He had seen the Weasley twins play a few pick-up games weeks ago and was planning on recruiting them to the beater positions after the holidays. He could start training them after he got his current team in-sync which looked to be not as later then he thought. Now the seeker position… that was troubling him. Higgins was okay but he didn't have the skill to continue. Half the time he was merely following the other seeker, and his speed not up to catching the snitch first too. If only one of the first years showed some more potential…

He sighed as he sat down next to his dorm mates and filled his plate with breakfast. He wasn't about to ruin his good morning now. His team was being built! He could feel his champion team coming together!

The sound of screeches caught the attention of every student in the Great Hall. As one, they all turned towards the window and gasped as a large cube package was carried by no less than fifty owls, screeching their discomfort at flying so close to one another. They flew towards the house tables and finally, with a large 'boom' the box fell in between the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff tables. The students nearest all scrambled about, trying to see who it was for. It turned out to be a large wooden box and on the side facing Oliver a single word was stamped on. It made Oliver's eyes go wide.

"WOOD"

~…..~

Harvey sighed as he charted out his journey. Owl-travel wasn't very comfortable. He was sitting in a five-by-five wooden box with a small table and chair, with a map strewn over the table and a small quill with everlasting ink in his hand. A small orb was his only source of light and a nice bubble-head charm had eliminated the problem of oxygen. If he had estimated correctly, he was somewhere in Scotland… the annoying sound of the owls was something he had not counted on so he had endured hours upon hours of the screeching owls.

Where in the world was his Father?

Finally, after about half an hour, he could feel the owls slowing down…and promptly dropping his box. Harvey fell to the ground and hit his head on the wall.

"Oww…" he exclaimed as he rubbed the spot on his head.

He stood and started to remove the sticking charms on the top face of the box. After a few minutes work, he had finished and he wiped some sweat off his brow. He turned the table up-right and stood on top of it, carefully pushing the cover off of his box.

~…..~

The students of Hogwarts watched on as the Gryffindor Fourth year, Oliver Wood slowly approached the box. The Hufflepuffs were all whispering about what they were guessing was inside the box while the Gryffindors were milling around, examining the mentioned box. The Ravenclaws stood to get a better look and the Slytherins remained seated, keeping a careful eye on the box but pretending that they didn't care about its contents. The teachers had already left the table since classes would start soon.

Oliver placed a quivering hand on the stamped word 'WOOD' and suddenly, the top of the box blew off and landed a few feet away. Oliver promptly withdrew his hand and looked to the top.

The entire Great Hall gasped.

A small boy, not older than ten, peeked out from the top of the box. His brilliant green eyes looked right at Oliver before scanning the entire hall. The kid had jet-black messy hair that covered most of his forehead and ears, only touching the boys' collar.

The little boy then proceeded to jump out, and ran towards the end of the Gryffindor Table.

"There you are!" he shouted at one of the second year Gryffindors.

Oliver recognized the boy to be Lee Jordan. He was best mates with the Weasley twins if he remembered correctly.

The Jordan boy looked back innocently at the younger kid.

"What is he-"

"-Talking about-"

"-mate?" the twins asked their friend.

Lee sighed then turned towards the younger boy.

"I guess the jig is up son." He said before standing up and hugging the boy.

"You-"

"-have a-"

"-ten year old-"

"-SON?-"

"Is that-"

"-even-"

"-possible?" the twins chorused.

The strange little boy promptly pushed Lee Jordan off him and turned him so that he was facing Lee Jordan's back.

"Now where is that zipper…" he mumbled. "AHA!"

He promptly pulled down some invisible zipper and suddenly, Lee Jordan's skin fell away and in his place stood a very old man.

~….~

Harvey glared at his Father.

Zonko laughed.

"Don't be so mad!" he said as he clapped his hand on his sons back.

"I should be mad! I didn't want to see Hogwarts till I actually enrolled! It's tradition! Now I won't have that 'oh-wow-look-at-that-castle!' moment!" Harvey whined.

"Yes, but now the students have that 'oh-remember-the-kid-that-got-owled-to-Hogwarts' memory! What a great memory to have for Patronus creation!"

Harvey sighed as he walked the grounds of Hogwarts with his father. Apparently, there were two very good reasons his father had come to his future school and he had met them a few hours ago.

~flashback~

"Gred-"

"-and Forge-"

"-Weasley! Pleased to meet you!"

Apparently, the two had managed to capture his Fathers attention when they 'accidentally' mucked up a Potion in class and created a cream that would cause warts on the skin. His contact at Hogwarts, Lee Jordan (Zonko knew the boys' mother) had owled his mother and since she had long retired being shop keeper, thought Zonko might make use of the cream. So Zonko arrived at Hogwarts to recruit the two young boys that he believed would one day become his right (and left) hand men.

The twins were ecstatic to hear that Zonko was interested in them but declined the offer until Zonko would sweeten the deal. So Harvey was exposed to the wonderful world of Haggling.

The three finally agreed that they would wait until the twins were in fifth year before they would enter a professional contract (child labor laws prevented Zonko from recruiting the two on the spot) and they entered a formal 'representation' contract where the two would send any new 'accidents' to Zonko and he would sell the product. They would split the share, Zonko taking fifty percent while the twins had twenty-five percent each, and Zonko had taken an oath to supply the twins with a monthly salary of fifty galleons until they reached fifteen, and to give the twins their own sub-branch of Zonko's that they would name Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.

After an extensive tour of the castle from the Headmaster himself (the man merely laughed when he heard that Zonko had infiltrated the student body), they were respectfully asked to exit (screamed at to leave) the Hogwarts Grounds by an Argus Filch since Zonko was "that imbecile that created those infuriating pieces of shite that you call pranks!", to which Zonko replied with a "Oh, you mean the dungbombs?". The attitude of the man only worsened after his Fathers reply.

Harvey sighed as he mounted his Comet 280, waiting for his Father to mount his own broom so they could return home. A gaggle of students were hanging around, hoping to hear a piece of gossip they could tell their friends.

Finally, after twenty minutes of saying their farewells, Zonko mounted his broom.

"Oh, by the way! The real Lee Jordan is in the Hospital Wing with chicken Pox! Should be non-contagious in a few more hours." Zonko mentioned to the twins who nodded solemnly.

Harvey finally just kicked off the ground, not willing to wait any longer and as he soared over the fields and mountains, his father at his side, he laughed.

"Well, you must be the first student to ever have pranked Hogwarts without even been admitted yet." His father smiled. "I'm proud."

Harry smiled back. "Well, you did set it up."

"I'm not called game master for nothing, son."

"…But Father… you're self-proclaimed."

"A minor detail." Zonko brushed off. "Now, I was thinking of this new game we could play…"

~.….~

Oliver Wood looked out of the window from his History classroom and was able to catch the young boy that came out of the box fly into the sky. His thoughts drifted to his Seeker-problem...

'Maybe that package really was for me, afterall...' he mused before turning his attention back to his ghost-teacher and promptly falling asleep. He did get up at five in the morning after all.

Authors Note:

SO yeah. The second chapter. Hope you like it. Read and Review.

And for those who might ask: the last part meant that Harry might have been sent to Oliver as a seeker-from-heaven. Not you know... as some kind of boy toy. As expressed in the earlier Authors note, I have no pairings intended.