Prior warning: This contains mentions to underage sex.

I've lost a lot lately.

It all started with that blasted bowling outing.

Dad, wanting mom to have a good first night home from the hospital, had enough of the food on the table, and brought us all out to the bowling alley. Yeah, it was a nice idea, and for the most part, it was fun. I got Kate able to bowl a strike, and for once she called me Marshall as opposed to Moosh.

Not that I mind of course. She might be my sister, and by law I have to love her, but this was one of the few times I felt that I didn't have to be forced to, if you know what I mean.

She's helped me a lot these last few days since mom went away. Before that even.

She was right in what she said about Jason. So right, I don't know why I was so depressed over it all. And she made sure I'd stopped those fucking pills. Yeah, they made things better when I was on them, but when they wore off, and everything bad came flooding back... Well, the high wasn't worth it in the end.

So why have I gone from having such a great time with my family in the absence of mom's alters, to feeling like such shit now?

One word.


Not content with not even have bother making an effort to win me back after the whole kissing T thing, and coming up with the lamest goodbye scene since Gone With The Wind, he brings his new date to the bowling alley.

My bowling alley.

See, Kate was right about the whole him being bi-curious thing. If he was interested in me, he would have a) not kissed my mother minutes after making me think he wanted me, b) said he was sorry for what he done with T and explained that it was just a one of, that she forced him, whatever, that he really was gay and in love with me, c) never given me that half-hearted hug and said to think of him when I was famous.

What a jerk. Makes it sound like I've to go to him when I'm famous and he'll magically like me again, so he can get into my trousers and into my bank account.

That's what it seems like.

So after all that, tell me why I ended up in bed with him?

I'd done such a good job of ignoring him all the time he was with her at the bowling alley, even Kate managed to keep away from him after threatening to beat the living shit out of him. And I was so glad that T never came back out for round two with him. I really don't think I could have stood there and watched him grope her a second time.

But when we were leaving, he followed me into the toilets, said he was sorry, said some things that really shouldn't have been said by two guys in a toilet, and ended with me leaning backwards against the sinks and him up against me pressing him lips to mine.

I wanted it in a not-wanting it kind of way. After the last few days, I'd been good at getting him out my system. Then ten seconds alone with him and I'm right back to where I started, puppy love shining out.

I seriously didn't believe him when he said he would come over. I left him still in those toilets thinking that would be the start of it all again, me needing to take those fucking pills just to be able to get through another hour. But when we got home and mom and dad announced they wanted an early night, and Kate decided she was gonna go stay at a girl friend's, and I got a call from him asking if it was still alright.

So I sold myself out on the promise that he loves me, that he does want me, that it wasn't a mistake that first time, just to have his arms around me and him be inside me in a way that broke so many laws regarding age of consent.

A 14 sleeping with a 16 year old. Were we in so much trouble.

He was gone when I woke up in the morning.

The clothes that had been thrown about the room the night before were all gone, mine now curiously folded neatly on top of the drawers, the empty packet no longer in the bin

I don't know what I felt when it hit me that he'd basically slept with me then done a runner, and I was expecting to find a twenty on the bedside as a payment for services rendered.

I just went down for breakfast as normal, like any other day.

But then it wasn't, was it? Twice he's shown that what he says and what he does are two completely different things, and twice he's taken something away from me.

At least Kate will have the satisfaction of knowing she was right, once again, but it just leaves this hollow feeling inside. Yeah, I could get him to fuck me, just like she said, but what was the point when I feel so shit like this?

I've lost my first kiss and my first fuck, there's no way he's taking anything else from me.