Author's note: Following the success of my humorous short stories about SG-1, I have decided to do one about Atlantis.

I've been trying to write this story for a while, but I could only think stuff up at about 11'clock PM, and would forget to write it down. And thus, I would forget it. I finally remembered to write some of it down, and here it is!

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate: Atlantis! If I did, they would have never have canceled the show.


No-one knew where it had come from. It had appeared mysteriously. It appeared to be an innocent notebook, duct- taped to the wall of the mess hall near the door.

John Sheppard looked at it strangely. The title read:

Things not to do on Atlantis.


1. Do not shoot random shrubbery while screaming "Die, you stupid Wrath! Die!"

Zedeka had heard something moving nearby, and opened fire. Fortunately, he only had a stunner. Major Lorne was recovering nicely.

2. Besides, you never know who may be hiding in the shrubbery.


The next day, two more posts appeared.

3. Bumper stickers are not to be attached to puddle jumpers.

Sheppard had obtained a nice-looking bumper sticker on a trading mission- and affixed it to the back of the puddle jumper. Where Rodney had promptly banged his head off it.


4. Especially if you don't know what it means in Genii.

The next stop had been a Genii planet, where the villagers had noticed it. And proceeded to chase them back to the gate with pitchforks.


Rodney walked into the mess hall just in time to see Ronon Dex making the next addition to the now- well-known list.

5.I am not "Larry the Cucumber".

"What's that about?" Rodney asked

"One of the new people." Sheppard said "He brought a copy of 'Veggie-tales' with him."


The next day, Sheppard checked the list to find two more rules had been added.

6. John Sheppard is not "Bob the Tomato".


7. Rodney McKay is not "Archibald Asparagus".

"I think the Vegetable craze is spreading." Rodney noted.

"I think it's getting a little out of hand." John said, picking a pencil and adding a new rule to the list.

8. Alright, cut it with the "Veggie-Tales", people!


Apparently, Sheppard's words didn't sink in. He walked into the mess hall to see Teyla looking at the newest rule on the rapidly-growing list.

9. If Atlantis did have a theme song, it would not be "The water buffalo song".

Sheppard looked at her strangely.

"Major Lorne." She explained.


Major Lorne walked to the mess hall to see Rodney McKay posting a new rule.

10. Ronon Dex is no longer allowed to sing in the gateroom.

"Wha-" Lorne began.

"You realy don't want to know." McKay stated


Apparently, the Saldean's singing was unpleasant, as a slew of new rules appeared on the list.

11. We don't want his singing in the mess hall, ether.

12. The ZPM room and labs are off limits to singing of ANY kind.

13. Anyone singing in the Infirmary will be found needing a number of shots from the largest needles I can find. Got it, you lot?

14. We get the picture. Ronon, you are no longer allowed to sing anywhere on Atlantis.

The creative Satedan soon found a loophole in that rule.


15. SINGING IN PUDDLE JUMPERS IS HEREBY FORBIDDEN!

"What happened?" Rodney asked

"Huh? What'd you say?" Sheppard asked,

"WHAT HAPPENED?" Rodney yelled.

"I'm fine. Keller says I'll get my hearing back in a few hours." Sheppard stated.


A few days later, a new rule appeared on the list.

16. Sporks are not dueling weapons.

Sheppard stared at the rule strangely. Teyla walked up beside him.

"What happened?" he asked, staring at her accusingly.

"Lorne started it!" she protested.


17. Even if they can be used to start food fights.

Wolsey had heard about that one. Atlantis-2 had discovered a new use for the highly unpalatable "mashed potatoes" the cook had made from the potato-like-objects they had collected from P3X-129. Before the Marines had broken it up, it had involved three Atlantis teams, a group of scientists, and a passing Athosian.

Lorne was still trying to wash the smell of fruit punch out of his hair.


Author's Note: Well? What do you think? Is it Horrible? Wonderful? Press the green review button and let me know!

More chapters may come if I get enough reviews!