This chapter is the main reason why this story was rated M. Contains language and explicit parts, you have been warned.


Kyoya, after lots of strong tea, was just about to open the folder labeled Non-hosts, when he heard banging steps and arguing from outside. He knew who was coming forward.

After pushing aside the butler and a couple of servants who tried to tell her that she didn't have an appointment, Aki Kamimae kicked the door open and slammed a huge pile of documents on Kyoya's desk.

"What are these? Would you like some tea?" he asked, calm as ever, making a mental note to add rude to Rich Bitch Sue's characteristics.

"I decided to have some little fun… maybe to help you with your project… I also called upon my friends and…"

Kyoya sighed.

"And…?"

"Riyoka (Overly Sensible Sue) is now at the hospital, with Itsuko and Orimi (Blissfully Ignorant Wallpaper Sue #1 and #2), while Kaname (Dull Non-Sue Sue) and I wrote these together."

"What, exactly?" Kyoya picked up a few of the papers and began to read them.

"We are mature women after all…"

"Oh, dear…"

"I left Haruhi out. Strangely, the fics said he's a girl. Ha!"

Kyoya smiled cryptically.

"Well, gotta go now" Aki waved goodbye "bye-bye, sweetheart! Oh, by the way, this was very OOC of me!"

Kyoya smiled again, then wrote down one last sentence before plunging into the deep horrors of Aki's notes:

Mary Sues are never OOC. They can have all the adjectives in the world.


OOC Part II: M-rated… oh, SMUT! SEX!

Tamaki

Total uke, even to girls.

But makes the best uke for Kyoya.

Or Mori.

Or Hikaru.

Is seme only to Hunny.

Caring!Tamaki.

Indiscrete!Tamaki.

Tells the whole school about it!Tamaki

Except when he gets raped, which happens pretty often.

About twice a day, though occasionally only once.

But only if he's especially lucky.

(Kyoya's comment: doesn't the Suoh family employ bodyguards? Oh, forget it. This is fanfiction…)

Kyoya

Absolute seme.

Except when Tamaki decides to take his revenge.

His revenge for being tied to a wall, held on a leash, tortured, and, of course, raped.

For months.

Sometimes years.

There is no sex toy Kyoya hasn't tried yet.

Bondage master!Kyoya.

S&M loving!Kyoya.

Pregnant!Kyoya.

(Kyoya's comment: I'm really sorry, but Milord calling me "mommy" doesn't change the fact that I don't have an uterus, thank you very much!)

Hikaru&Kaoru

The world is composed of "us in bed" and "not us in bed".

The best way to show brotherly love is obviously incest.

But not fake incest, forget caresses, hugs and allusions. Total action!

Girls love subtle things, they won't like this.

Getting discovered my mommy is YUCK.

Filming others is great too.

For learning new positions, that is.

Pregnant!Kaoru.

(Kyoya's comment: a baby. Born from a boy. The product of incest. Why isn't s/he yet in our hospital?)

Hunny

Perfect uke.

Except when he's a total perv who rapes everyone within reach.

But mostly boys.

Longs to get raped, generally by Mori.

Or Tamaki, but that's rare.

Lollipops make the best sex toys.

Otherwise, chocolate and whipped cream will do, too.

Or even Usa-chan. Sexy, evil, horny bunny. Mmm.

Horny!Hunny.

Cross-dressing!Hunny.

Woman!Hunny.

Incestuous!Hunny.

(Kyoya's comment: I'll get a passport for Chika. Please, run for your life.)

Mori

Total seme, except when Pervert!Hunny shows up.

Sex god!Mori.

Has a very sexy ass.

And knows it.

Sex god!Mori

I could be wrong, but I don't think serving Hunny includes fucking the hell out of him.

Sex god!Mori.

His muscles flex like snakes.

Sex god!Mori.

Is very passionate, but silent. Oh, oh, ooohhh!!!

Did I mention Sex god!Mori?


For the first time since the research started, the pen fell out of Kyoya's hand as he fainted.