Home again

Tobi poured himself a cup of decaf (the other Akatsuki had long ago learnt the price of letting Tobi take caffeine) out of the Akatsuki lair coffee machine. He searched around for some sugar, but remembered he wasn't allowed anywhere near that either; the New Year's party had shown everyone the error of that (it took weeks to unstuck Deidara from the ceiling). Walking down the corridor, his drink in hand, Tobi thought about how nice it was to be home again.

"Florida was fun," thought Tobi, "but being tied up in the luggage compartment of a bus, given a sex talk by a perverted religious guy, nearly dying on a runaway trolley, cavity searches, killing a cartoon character and having my groin chewed off by a squirrel kind of tired me out…"

Tobi painfully rubbed the said chewed body area. Unfortunately, Konan, who was walking the other way at the time, was not privy to his thoughts and only saw Tobi fiddling with himself. However, living with a bunch of men, she was used to such displays and no longer saw them as rude; more of an easy way of making money on eBay.

Kakuzu sat cradling his legs on his bed, an ice pack firmly clamped between them. Worse than the throbbing groin pain, he couldn't get the images from Disney World out of his head. Every time he tried to sleep, he woke screaming from a nightmare of happy smiling children and bright shiny things.

"So… happy…" he moaned, "must… kill… happy… muffin… death… nya…"

Suddenly he had the answer. Gingerly getting up, he limped out of the room, crossing the hallway to the door opposite. Kakuzu breathed in heavily.

"Brace yourself…" he told himself.

The door swung open, revealing Kakuzu's worst nightmare. Hello Kitty. Mountains and mountains of pink, fluffy, adorable Hello Kitty. It was a sight to cause all but the hardiest goth to weep with joy and subsequently soil themselves due to the inevitable diarrhoea that follows contact with oriental merchandise. Kakuzu went straight to the second stage, immediately throwing up in the doorway.

"Oh my God…" he gasped, shielding his eyes from the blinding pink light (this is the real reason why Itachi went blind).

Kakuzu tensed himself. "This is it," he thought, "I'm going in."

With a bloodthirsty roar, he sprang at the Hello Kitty. Soft fluffy stuffing flew in every direction as pieces of plush kitten were hurled against the wall. It was at this point that Kakuzu, a decapitated Hello Kitty clamped between his teeth, noticed somebody gaping at him from the open doorway.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM!?!?!?" screamed Pein, staring at the slaughterhouse of Hello Kitty.

A piece of fluff floated out of Kakuzu's jaws. "Your room?"

Pein stopped. "Er… I mean…" he stuttered. He started laughing. "What, you think this is my room? You really think I have Hello Kitty in my room?" He gazed at the face of one of the dolls. "Sweet… adorable… amazing… Hello Kitty?" He took a step towards a seriously freaked out Kakuzu. "Someone to talk to… Someone to tell all my secrets to… Someone who cares?"

"WHAT THE HELL!?" cried Kakuzu, shrinking away from the teary eyed Akatsuki leader.

Pein ignored him. He gently picked up one of the few intact dolls. "A lovable friend…" Suddenly, Pein's eyes bolted open as he saw a large Hello Kitty lying dismembered in the corner. "MOLLY!!!" he shrieked, diving at the destroyed doll.

Kakuzu stared as Pein began to cry over the Hello Kitty Kakuzu had killed. The masked Akatsuki was torn; should he stay and film this or get the fuck out of there while he still could? Pein tried in vain to reattach the pieces. By the time he had begun howling at the sky in despair, Kakuzu had already taken the second option.

Wispy smoke drifted under Hidan's door. Zetsu frowned in puzzlement. Cautiously, he pushed the door open and investigated.

"Hey there buddy!" Hidan greeted him with a strange voice.

Zetsu stared at the white object pressed between Hidan's lips.

"Hidan, is that a spliff?!" he exclaimed.

Hidan giggled. "I know you are, but what am I?"

Zetsu sighed. "Are you smoking weed again?"

"Yeah!" cried Hidan, "and mum's ya so!"

Zetsu narrowed his eyes. "Where did you get the weed?" he asked suspiciously.

Hidan was not quick enough to hide the empty plant pots beside the bed. In a flash, the human plant had them in his hands, a horrified and murderous look in his eyes.

"YOU SMOKED MY PARENTS, YOU ASSHOLE!!!" he screeched, bludgeoning Hidan to death with the pot.

"It's the way they always wanted to go!" cried Hidan under the frenzied beating of the ceramic plant pots.

"They wanted to die in their sleep as old trees!" screamed Zetsu, slamming the pot down again.

Hidan spat out some teeth. "Is this a bad time to say I did your mum before she died?" he asked.

Zetsu roared and kicked him in the face.

"Although I can't really tell the genders of plants…" Hidan continued, the concussion making little difference to his brain power, "so it might have been your dad."

Zetsu grabbed Hidan by his hair and slammed his head against the floor.

"Whoever it was," Hidan gasped, "they were even worse than your grandparents…"

Tobi lay on his bed, contentedly sipping at his hot coffee. Suddenly, he heard a faint rattling coming from his wardrobe.

"Deidara?" he asked, slowly moving towards the closet, "Tobi thought we agreed not to do the closet thing until the leather comes back from the laundrette…"

Grabbing hold of the handles, he flung the closet open. Instantly, he was enveloped by some kind of furry tidal wave. He opened his eyes to see his room full of little squirrels staring at him intently. With a shriek, he leapt onto the bed, shielding what little groin furniture he had remaining. All of a sudden, the squirrels bowed, chanting something in squirrel language. Tobi cautiously and reluctantly moved his hands away from his crotch.

"Hmmm…" he mused, gazing at the masses of small furry worshippers, "this may have its uses…"

Itachi was not the kind of person to sing in the shower. In fact, he much preferred slitting his arms open and writing depressing poetry on the shower walls. Never the less, it was his lack of eyesight that let him down this time. If he could see, he would surely have spotted the dozens of small furry animals standing outside the shower door, many of them pointing camera phones at him. He would probably also seen the squirrel that leapt onto the toilet flusher, causing icy cold water to shoot across his *unsuitable content*, which he found less than amusing. Most of all, he may well have spotted the bundle of claws and fangs hiding in his underpants on the bed. Alas, his screams echo through the corridors still…

R: Alright, that's about it. By now this storyline is running kinda dry, so it's best we end it here. I wasn't going to do this last chapter, but after the reviews I've been getting, I thought I should… Anyway, why not check out my other Akatsuki stuff, all similar kind of ideas to this. You might also want to check out stuff by x-Hidan's Lover-x, x-Deidara's Lover-x, x-Itachi Lover-x and x-Pein and Itachi lover-x (assuming the woman ever writes a damn thing). Lastly, if you've got any suggestions for weird stuff the Akatsuki could do for a story, please include them in the reviews of this chapter.