Title: Organic Chemistry

Rating: T

Status: Complete

Disclaimer: I neither claim nor own legal right to the Naruto series. I have simply borrowed a few characters to abuse for my own amusement.

Summary: Sakura teaches a lecture in which Naruto is an unselective Fluorine radical and Sasuke's sexuality is questioned. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Created: 4/6/09

Completed: 4/10/09

A/N: I don't usually write for fun, but this one was jingling around in my brain. So. Anyway. While I was up late studying for my latest organic chem quiz, I became bored and thought it would be infinitely more interesting to relate selectivity/reactivity to Naruto characters, instead. I got a perfect score on my quiz. I'm not sure what that says about my study methods... And yeah, I don't really know what's going on down there. I thought it was funny, but that is probably due to lack of sleep. I apologize in advance for basing this on random Chemistry-ness.

"Sakura-chan, I'm booooored," Naruto grumbled, "What does homosexual bond breaking have to do with being a med nin?"

Sakura cringed slightly, "Homolytic, Naruto. Calm down, I'll be using you in a minute!"

"You can use me any time you want, Sakura-chan!" He replied while waggling his brows.

"Why would anyone ever want to use someone with a penis so small? I thought even the hag had better taste than that." Naturally, Sai seized the opportunity. Naturally, Naruto punched him in the jaw.

Sakura was pinching the bridge of her nose. Shikamaru was calculating his chances of escaping without being seen. The results from his calculations may be best summed up as 'not good' to 'abysmally troublesome.' He was already ruing the fact that he had run into her this morning whilst Sakura was looking for Kakashi. He really should have made a break for it when she started mumbling, "much better example than Kakashi."

A nonplussed Uchiha statue was standing at the end of the line of the four men facing the class. Were the dobe not still policing his every move from their earlier bet, he would have been training already. For now, he decided to cut his losses and win the be- er- prove that could indeed be 'nice' and 'considerate.' He didn't want to be around Sakura. Nope. Not at all.

After counting to ten, Sakura started again.

"As I was saying, the bonds break homolytically, causing the formation of free radicals. Halogen radicals vary in how easily they will react with other radicals. Now as Naruto has already graciously portrayed, he is a the most unselective, a Fluorine radical."

"How am I not selective?"

"You will react to anything and everything. And you're an opportunistic peeping tom!" Her voice had raised at the remembrance of such a prior infraction.

"It's not like you have anything aesthetically pleasing to look at, Hag." Naruto and Inner Sasuke disagreed. Outer Sasuke opted to ignore his obviously demented inner self. In the mean time, another scuffle broke out, and was swiftly solved by a few solid thumps to the head from an exasperated kunoichi.

Shikamaru was implementing his latest plan for escape. This one had a sixty three percent feasibility rate. If only he could align his shadow with the window… a few more degrees to the right should do it.

"Moving on!" Sakura started cheerfully, her students slightly startled by the rapid change in attitude. "Shikamaru will be representing-"

Thwarted. Directing his eyes skyward, though his beloved sky was blocked from view by a drab, white ceiling and twelve fluorescent lights, he thought he should at least listen to what she was saying. Paying attention may provide another opportunity for his great escape.

"Now, as chlorine, Shikamaru is a much more selective radical than Naruto-Fluorine. Though not as readily reactive, he is the love interest of at least two kunoichi. As both of these kunoichi are blonde, he is more selective and less likely to react to just anything."

Troublesome woman. He should have figured out that all of her analogies were going to be relationship based sooner. Her demographic audience was primarily female, after all. What was the point in using human examples, anyway? Selectivity was not a difficult concept to grasp. Luckily, she had moved on to Sai.

"…And that is why Sai is Bromine, the preferred element for these reactions!" The class nodded amiably and carried looks of enlightenment. The artist's plastic smile was firmly in place.

Sakura continued to her final victim. "This brings us to iodine, or Sasuke, for the purpose of this discussion. Sasuke is known for steering clear of any romantic attachments."

Anticipating where the lecture was headed, Naruto started a gleeful one-man chorus of, "Sasuke's gay!"

Sasuke's jaw ticked. Once, twice.

Sakura favored ignoring the blond and increased her volume.

"Like Sasuke's dating history, iodine is selective to the point of ridiculousness and does not react appreciably with organic compounds. As it does not readily react, iodine is not recommended for carrying out these types of reactions. The same is- "

Naruto decided to abandon his song and aim for annoying rhetorical question stage. Sasuke was being so boring today.

"So, Sasuke, what's it like to be a homosexual bond breaker?"

It was the eyebrow twitch this time. The malevolently whispered 'dobe' promised pain, but Naruto pressed onward, preparing to implement his Sexy no Jutsu. Had Sasuke's eyes been open, Naruto would have been greeted with spinning Sharingan.

"You know, it's ok if you like guys! We'll still love you anyway! Well, maybe not that way, but-"

A smoky 'poof' was the only warning that preceded a very naked Naruko clinging wantonly to an extraordinarily pissed off Sasuke.

The class watched on.

What happened next occurred so abruptly and unexpectedly that when it was presented as gossip later, it was initially dismissed as impossible hearsay. Said facts were later corroborated by an Ino-bullied Shikamaru.

After Naruko was summarily dealt with, i.e. shoved out of Shikamaru's preferred escape window, Sasuke pulled Sakura to himself and kissed her much more enthusiastically and for much longer than was strictly necessary to prove his point.

The shell-shocked kunoichi had no idea how to react. Her natural defense mechanisms were initializing, already arming a barbed comment. Said comment died in her throat when Sasuke pinned her with an intense, smirky, sexy smoldering look… that was ruined when he next opened his mouth.

"Am I still iodine?"

Thus was the day that Sasuke learned about Sakura's nasty right-hook.

That's all, folks!