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OMF, has the Creatress jumped ship? … Hell, NO! AH FOREVER!!
READ THIS!! This fic is meant to be SATIRICAL in that it makes fun of all the serious Why AH Shouldn't Happen fics. The tone is meant to be very tongue in cheek because it sarcastically shoots down the conventional reasons that AntiAHers say Artemis and Holly shouldn't be together. Contrary to what the title implies, AntiAHers will NOT enjoy this. … AHers who are too young to understand the concept of satire probably won't like it either…
Reasons Why Artemis and Holly Should NOT Be Together
She's a fairy and he's a human.
You see, readers, Colfer's repetitive foreshadowing signifies nada. Fairies and humans never ever mingled before, which is why the code in Eternity Code told us that there are humans who have some fairy blood in them (Do NOT wonder how it got there! I repeat – do NOT ask questions!) This is probably the same reason that Artemis, the supreme genius mastermind who knows all, told us that humans used to have magic before they forgot it.
The size differences.
Holly is one meter tall and Arty is… Well, Google says that the average height of the Irish male is 5'10. (This is pretty much the same reason that Butler will never find happiness with anyone. He's just too darn big.) I advise any woman whose partner is two feet taller than her to DUMP THAT GIANT!
People should not be with people who are not exactly like them! What is this world coming to? We let people marry outside their races, and now we're supposed to let people marry outside their height ranges?! What's next?! What if someone wanted to marry someone who is in a separate income bracket or had a different social status? We need to draw the line here, people!!! Here's me pointing a finger at Artemis and Holly: "God will punish you!"
(Side author's note: "God will punish you" is a line out of Holes by Louis Sachar. Read it – it's one of the greatest things ever written. A racist says the aforementioned line to a white woman and a black man who dared develop feelings for each other.)
Sex would be difficult because of the size differences. Once again, this right here is why people with dwarfism should only be with other people with dwarfism. Why don't we just cut to the chase here? Let's do the intelligent Social Darwinist thing to do and segregate them on an island somewhere.
Also, what is this idea that size doesn't matter? Size matters! The bigger the male's reproductive organ is and the smaller the female's repro – Oh. Damn, that actually encourages Artemis/Holly, doesn't it? Okay, scratch that. … Size doesn't matter!!! So what if Artemis is so much bigger than Holly?!...Ah, crap. I contradicted myself. … Let's move on…
What about all the other sex things? He's a criminal and she's a cop! You throw her handcuffs in there, and you have something so hot, it would melt your monitor's screen! Do you want your monitor's screen to melt?! DO YOU?!?! (Colfer wouldn't put it in his Rated Preteen and Above books. If he even gave us the vaguest of all hints that Holly handcuffed Artemis to the headboard, the book would spontaneously combust in your hands! Do you want to burn your hands?! DO YOU?!?!)
Imagine how the world would react to a human and fairy being together.
Artemis and Holly so obviously care deeply about what the rest of the world thinks of them. This why Artemis is a nice, law-abiding citizen who pets bunnies, does volunteer work on his weekends and will run for office so that he Make A Change! This is also why Holly did NOT think to challenge the widely accepted rule that females should not become Recon cops; instead, she dyed her hair blonde and works as a bank teller who sobs and faints accordingly whenever someone with loose clothing comes in. … But then again, being a nice, respectable woman who knows nothing about big, manly guns, how would she know which clothing can be used to conceal weapons?
Imagine how everyone else who probably crushed on Artemis and Holly would react.
A person should be with everyone who has a crush on him/her. It doesn't matter if you don't like them back; you should still develop relationships with them. Everyone. You shouldn't pick just one, because that wouldn't be fair to the rest of them.
This is also the reason that we should put an end to this ridiculous practice of getting restraining orders against people who like us! Why don't we just be flattered that someone is so interested in us that they follow us everywhere and just get with our stalkers?
So those are a few reasons AH shouldn't happen.
(If you couldn't tell, I was being SARCASTIC!)
A section on Artemis' and Holly's children warrants a chapter all on their own, so that's what's coming next. I wrote this after a writer's block for Persephone's Crown, which will be updated tonight.
One of the biggest AH fans out there and writer of (as yet) eight serious AH fics (excluding this one) says: