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READ THIS!! This fic is meant to be SATIRICAL in that it makes fun of all the serious Why AH Shouldn't Happen fics. The tone is meant to be very tongue in cheek because it sarcastically shoots down the conventional reasons that AntiAHers say Artemis and Holly shouldn't be together. Contrary to what the title implies, AntiAHers will NOT enjoy this. … AHers who are too young to understand the concept of satire probably won't like it either…
You'd Think We'd Be Done By Now, but No
Okay, I might as well get this out of the way: a lot of reviewers asked me who Chimp Lover was and I responded to… One, I believe. Because shortly after that, I got a short, but sincere message from him telling me that he was sorry for his earlier comments. Apology accepted; thank you.
Onto the A/H bashing now…
The Weird Shipper gave me these two theories to confirm (thank you, doll):
"Actually, as it states in the first bnook, the only mentioned theory of evolution is that fairies evolved from flying dinosuars. So, you think Aertemis should be with a humaniod, attractive and evolved pterodactyl…"
So true. SO true! Holly is more like a pterodactyl than she is like a chimp, even. (Actually, research just showed me that humans didn't even evolve from chimps. We humans and chimps just share an ancestor. Scientists are still arguing over exactly who this ancestor might be… Who's your Daddy?) Yup. Holly is just like a pterodactyl. She has wings (biological, non-technological). And a beak. Anyways, the point is: Artemis shouldn't be with a pterodactyl, no matter how humanoid and "evolved" she is.
Artemis should be with bacteria!
No, grammar-nerds, I did not forget to capitalize a girl's name there. Artemis should be with bacteria. Personally, I'd like to see him with baker's yeast. Yum.
This is because Artemis, myself, and many of my fellow homo sapiens, like you, Weird Shipper, evolved from single-celled micro-organisms. Bacteria like baker's yeast comes from same. (Actually, dinosaurs evolved from single-celled micro-organisms, too… But let's not go there.) We (humans and modern-day bacteria) all evolved from the same source… Therefore, I think Artemis should be with bacteria.
In fact, my next Singles ad is going to go something like this: 'Single 20-year-old Torontonian girl looking for a humanoid, attractive (not a must, actually), and evolved single-celled microorganism. Plural cells okay, too.'
Sarcasm aside… Let's not try to look at the fairies and humans the way they are today instead of the way they were billions of years ago.
All this talk of evolution makes one wonder: what if they tried to breed? If Edward and Bella can manage to conceive and borne a cross-species baby, then Artemis and Holly can do it, too. (Once again, do you want the horror from Chapter 2 unleashed upon the world?)
(I just compared Artemis and Holly to Edward and Bella. Oh, God, what have I done? But, GMontag gave me the idea, so… If Demetra just left A/H, never to return… It's GMontag's doing. On that note, we'll be talking about Demetra's problems with A/H next chapter.)
Onto Weird Shipper's next point:
"One other point I would like you to talk me out of: Holly is incredibly independant, right? And probably wouldn't give up her entire life for a man, especially who'll be dead in a few decades, leaving her left all alone, abandoned by her people . . . But, that's what'd happen if she was to get any farther than friendahip, or admitted feelings. Or she'd lie. Holly doesn't seem like the lieing type to me, though . . .
Either way, can you talk me out of that opinion?"
Why would I want to talk you out of that? I'm trying to bash A/H here. Seriously.
Holly doesn't lie? Then who said something along the lines of "Yes, Commander, I'm running hot! Full to the brim with magic! I'm so full of the stuff that no human can EVER capture me!"
Also, she would be abandoned by the People. You would think someone on the Council would think, "Hey, if he feels strongly about her, he might not expose/exploit/explode our world." But, no. That kind of thinking is usually left to Vinyaya, and as we all know, that woman skips work and takes coffee/bathroom breaks all the time, so she can't be counted upon to point that out.
As for the whole "dead in a few decades" thing… Oh, no. Fountain of Youth. Don't worry, it probably doesn't exist. If it does, Artemis probably won't find it. He isn't very good at finding stuff, is he? So, if there isn't a Fountain of Youth, the longest he might manage is one hundred years (with advances in medicine and magic and whatnot). What is there after that?
Horcruxes! (He kills Present Opal; that's another one hundred years. Maybe Past Opal can go down, too, then he'd be up to three hundred years…) I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'd now like to take this opportunity to welcome 'sirius 4-ever and a day' to the Artemis Fowl fandom. sirius is now reading a lot of A/H. As you probably guessed from that joke (just a joke…) I made, sirius just came over from the Harry Potter fandom (he/she used read a lot of my TR/GWs… That's right, I went back and checked). So a warm welcome to you, sirius. You'll find that the evil genius of the Artemis Fowl series is, well, a tad nicer than the evil genius in the Harry Potter series. As such, there will be no horcruxes… So, Weird Shipper might be right. Artemis might die before Holly.
Also, this is why you should never give a chance to someone who might be ill and dying or anyone who has their days numbered in any other way. Why set yourself up for sadness? Hmm? In fact, we should all make sure that the people we date won't outlast us by more than a year or two or die too soon before us - put our partners through physical tests and demand health records before our first dates. That would save a LOT of time. In fact, I'm adding it to my Singles Ad: "Must plan to live for, at least, 60 more years."
Yeah. So there. It's never 'better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.' Anybody who tells you otherwise is lying.
By the Gods, that is depressing. So let's move onto a more cheerful Anti-A/H reason.
Imagine how their families would react if they met. (By the way, thank you Nari-nick for giving me that tip about Deviantart. Someone's taken time to draw out the reasons Artemis and Holly shouldn't be together in a series of pictures called "Artemis and Holly can't pair." Arguments only get more effective with visual aids, so I suggest everyone check those out for a lark or two.) Anyways, back to the Fowls and the Shorts…
You would think that the two families could bond over how their last names are synonymous with words (or ARE words) that accurately describe the clan. But, no. For one thing, Holly's parents are dead… Does that help or hinder the situation? If her father was alive, maybe the internal sensors in his brain would have gone off at seeing Artemis I… While the same sensors went off in Timmy's brain. Imagine this:
Mr. Fowl: My baddy-senses are tingling.
Mr. Short: My goody-senses are tingling.
Mr. Fowl: COP!
Mr. Short: CRIMINAL!
If the whole evolution thing has taught us anything, you are forever defined by the tree from which you fell from. The son of a crime lord cannot get with the daughter of a hot-shot crime-fighter. May Romeo and Juliet serve as a warning to thee… Well, as a warning to Holly. Apparently, Artemis is going to die soon anyway.
Coral: I'm a doctor. I research rare life forms and try to figure out ways to keep them from going extinct.
Angeline: I'm pretty big of wildlife reservation, too. Let me tell you about this lemur…
Harmony and Common Ground: [Found]
… … Pfft. Mothers. … …
Anyways, Holly's close friends and extended family might meet the Fowls eventually, and that WOULD be awkward… In the best case scenario. Any episode of Dr. Phil would tell you that a couple cannot survive if their in-laws feel even the least bit of discomfort around one another.
So Artemis and Holly are doomed…
I've been working (at Tim Horton's. All you Canadians out there, I'm telling you now – it doesn't matter what time of the day you go in. That coffee has been there for over 20 minutes.), trying to get enough money together to cover a bit of my tuition, which is why updates have been slow. It should pick up soon, don't worry.
Next week, we'll be talking about Demetra's problems with A/H and Artemis' hospital bill. That's right, Artemis' hospital bill. When you see those pictures on deviantart, you'll know what I'm talking about.