Disclaimer: Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer, obviously. The original list, 51 Things Emmett Cullen is Not Allowed To Do, was created by the indifferent child of the earth, not us. We're just doing this for the random amusement of us and anyone who reads this.
51 Things Emmett Cullen is Not Allowed To Do; 1-3
1. Spread rumors that the reason why Edward never had a girlfriend before Bella is because he is gay...
2...And that he has a crush on Jasper...
I strolled down the hall humming a song that Alice taught me the day before, but it soon became too good and I had to just belt it out. I never saw so many eyes staring at me then when I just shouted out, "Edward and Jasper sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g!" I'm not sure if they had a preference so I just looked around wondering if it would of sounded better if I said it was Edward and Carlisle in the sack together. I couldn't help myself I started to laugh out loud. The thing that made me stop laughing was not my classmates faces or the principal dragging me by the ear to his office but Edwards face five feet from mine. I bent over to his ear and whispered, "I bet you wish you couldn't read minds right now, don't you buddy?" I don't think I'll ever forget the look Edward gave me.
51 Things Emmett Cullen is Not Allowed To Do; 4
4. Tell Alice that pink really isn't her color
I was sitting at our family's table in the lunch room. Edward was sitting across the table from me and Bella was on my right-hand side. I could feel it coming, a vision. In it, the first thing I saw was Emmett walking into the cafeteria in his princess way he loves so much. He came right over to me and said, "You know, Alice, that shirt looks horrid on you. Pink really isn't your color. In fact, I don't think you have a color."
Edward kicked me under the table, "Is it nap time already, Alice?" He spoke, humor leaking from his voice.
"No, It's time to kill Emmett. Where is that brainless oaf!" I hissed. Just then Emmett came prancing through the door and over to us like there where no worries in this world, but little did he know Alice doesn't take advise from a moronic bear.
"You know Alice..." I didn't give him time to finish his sentence. The next thing Emmett knew he was tided to the flag pole in nothing but his PINK tiddy-whities.
I was standing there, watching him. "Well, pink certainly is your color, Emmett!"
51 Things Emmett Cullen is Not Allowed To Do; 5
5. Attempt to juggle with Esme's china
Everyone was out hunting so it seemed to be a good time to do something Carlisle or Esme would never allow me do. Now the only thing left is to think of something to do. I've always wanted to juggle, but with what is the ultimate question. Balls are too boring, eggs are too sticky when they break, water balloons are way too wet, and I just took a shower last week. Really, I don't need one this week too. No, none of those are any fun, so what's left...?
ESME'S CHINA! I can't see anything wrong with that. It's not to sticky, or to wet, and it's breakable so you know this wont be boring! There is no way I'm starting with just one or two, I think I'll begin with the whole set...or five. The whole thing was going fine until I saw that pretty pink and black butterfly. I just had to try and catch it. Unfortunately, I forgot about the plates I left in mid-air until I heard the loud crash and Esme's loud screech from the door as she watched her precious china fall to the ground in pieces.
And so ends the story of Emmett Cullen.
51 Things Emmett Cullen is Not Allowed To Do; 6
6. Tell Bella that if she jumped from a great height Edward would have to change her
Edward had been yelling Bella's name throughout the house for the last couple minutes, but I ignored him because I was way too busy playing Grand Theft Auto on my new Playstation3 game system. Why hadn't I discovered this awesomeness before? Ah that's right, I suck at this game! I was just getting up to put in my Barbie Princess; Magical Castle game that I kick ass at when Edward decided to grace me with his presence.
"Emmett, have you seen Bella?" Edward asked frantically.
I was scowling heavily when I answered, hiding the Barbie game behind my back. I was trying to block Edward from reading my mind by saying the ABC's backwards, but I got stuck after Z. "I told her to go jump off a cliff, you might want to hurry if you plan on catching her."
"You did what?" Edward said between his clenched teeth.
"I was bored and so I told her that you would have to change her if she jumped from something high like a cliff. I didn't think that she would run off like that." I shrugged sitting back down on the coach, the Barbie game still hidden behind my back.
"Emmett you--" Here Edward proceeded to call me every name under the sun, but I'll cut that out for the sake of the viewers. Ten minutes had passed before I could manage to fit a word into Edwards insane rant.
"So, you gonna go catch her or not?" I casually said as I pushed the Barbie game under the couch cushion. Edward glared and practically flew out the door. "Finally." I pulled out the game and put it in the system. "I love this game so much." Then, in a slightly lower mumble, "It's the only one I can beat."
And here's where we have to say goodbye to the Barbie-playing-Emmett until next time. For those of you who were confused about the point of view changing, all were Emmett, except for number 4 who was the amazing Alice.