A/N: Do not try to microwave peeps. Their heads explode.

51 Things Emmett is Not Allowed To Do, 9 ½


"Are you sure it's Edward and Bella's?"

"I don't know. It might be Bella's and mine..."


"Heck, it could even be Bella's and Jasper's, though I doubt that it's Charlie's, Carlisle's or Jake's. You know what? Me buddy, Mike, has had a big grin on his face for a while; it could be his." I rambled on.

"Can I please talk to my daughter?" Renee sounded funny like there was something a matter with her, but what was the question. I couldn't come up with an answer so I just called Bella instead. "Bella, you klutz, your mean mother wants to talk to you!" I could hear her struggle to get down the stairs.

"What did you say to her Emmett?" That wasn't Bella's voice. Oh, crap. There is a big grumpy Edward standing behind me right now. I started to hum the Princess Barbie's Magical Castle theme song to calm me down. Bella had already took the phone out of my hand.

"Bella, is that insane person you call family, right? Are you pregnant?" Renee drilled her.

"No, mom, I'm not pregnant and before you ask, the reason for me not being pregnant is not, and I repeat not, because I already had the baby, or because I took your advise on being safe. We haven't done anything like that yet." Bella reassured her frantic mother.

"I'm just going to go run for my life now!" I yelled back to them as I was already half way out the door.

Bella had other plans. "Edward will you please go kill Emmett for me now?"


51 things Emmett is Not Allowed To Do,10-13

10. Snap his fingers in 'z' formation

11. Use the phrase "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease."

12. Snap his fingers in 'Z' formation while using the phrase "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease."

13. In fact, Emmett is not even allowed to think about snapping his fingers in 'Z' formation, saying "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease," or doing both at the same time

I can't believe that the stupid teacher is making us do this dumb project. How does he expect me to color this map in one day! One day! I mean it's of the whole United States!

"Emmett, that's the ocean! It's supposed to be colored blue, not orange like Texas!" Rosalie pointed out my mistake so rudely. She acts like I'm stupid are something. My IQ is of a three year old genius!

"Oh, girl please tell me you did not just say that to me." I snapped my fingers in a 'z' formation, putting my other hand on my hip while pouting.

"Emmett Cullen, do you know how gay you just sounded right then?" Rose asked me, looking like she was trying to decide whether or not to be shocked or laugh..

"Leave me alone you gay hating person! I can't help who I am!" I screamed as I ran from the room, while clamping my hands over my ears and shutting my eyes so hard that it hurt. "NONONONONONONONONONONO!"

"And I have to sleep with that." I could her Rosalie say just loud enough for me to hear and no one else. I hate being a gay vampire! Wait! What does gay mean again?

51 things Emmett is Not Allowed To Do; 17 & 18

17. Paint Edward's Volvo tie-dye...

18. ...and then say it was Bella's idea

"Are you sure this was Bella's idea?" Edward was looking at his newly tie dyed volvo with suspicion. His shiny silver volvo now was red, orange, pink, purple, and a bunch of other psychedelic colors. "I thought she hated pink."

I shift uncomfortably, remembering a certain pink underwear incident. Stupid Pixi. "Of course! Would I lie to you little bro?"

"Do you want the honest answer to that, Emmett? 'Cause the answer won't help you any." Edward started counting the number of times I'd lied to him. I got annoyed when he ran out of all options other than his hair. His hair. I mean, come on.

I ran over to the door and yelled inside, "Wasn't this your idea, Bella?"

"Yeah, sure. Whatever Emmett."

"O—Okay." Edward said hesitantly, not really sounding like he believed her.

A few moments later, Bella came out to see what she'd just agreed to. The first words out of her mouth gave it all away. "Edward, your car is hideous!"

"I thought this was your—" He stopped when Bella shook her head no. "Emmett, I'm going to kill you."

"Well, technically, you can't kill me. I'm already dead." Maybe I shouldn't sound so cocky when he always thinks up ways to make me sound stupid. Which is stupid since I'm so much smarter. I mean, everyone knows that. I didn't even realize I was making peacock motions with my head until I noticed Bella and Edward were staring at me oddly.

"I could rip you apart and burn you. That's how I could kill you."


"Well, I thought it was pretty." I huffed. " You and Bella just have bad taste."

51 things Emmett is Not Allowed To Do; 19 & 20

19. Sing any songs generally associated with Gwen Stefani...

20. ...or Britney Spears

Emmett was in a severely dangerous mood. The mood that could kill with one simple note. The mood that will make any person deaf...if they were lucky. The mood that would make anyone beg on their hands and knees just to stop it. What was the mood, you ask? Simple. He was in his singing mood.

I can't see why everyone tells me to stop singing. I have the most awesomest singing voice in the world. I could be the next American Idol winner...person...thingy.

I screwed up big time with Carlisle yesterday so I was going to sing to him to make up for crushing all of his expensive hospital equipment with my toy monster truck. I can't wait to get one in real life! It'll be, like, 20 times bigger!

"Oh daddy! I love you and I have to tell you. You're the best father a vampire like me could have." A pause. "You want to hear my song?" I was following him around his home office space.

"Not really so—"

"Okay, great. Here I go." I took a deep breath, preparing my beautiful musical voice that would win me twenty thousand enemies, or wait a minute. Is it supposed to be Emmy's? Oh, well, same thing. I think. I hope. Maybe.

"If I could be sweet. I know I've been a real bad girl, I didn't mean for you to be hurt whatsoever. We can make it better. Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet? I want to get away to our sweet escape. I want to get away, yeah. You held me down, I'm at my lowest boiling point. Come help me out,"

Just then Jasper walked by with a civil war book in hand like always. I couldn't help but to notice Carlisle mouth 'come help me out of here' I didn't know he knew this song. He only got the 'of here' wrong. I'm so proud of him.

"I was the victim last time so deal with it. You created him." Jasper said without looking up from his book. What he sees in those things I have no idea. Hey, are they talking about me?

"I need to get me out of this joint."

"Yes please someone come and take me away!" Carlisle started to beg. Ooh, I like that part but it doesn't come in for awhile. Maybe I should tell him. No, let's let him make a retard out of himself for a while longer.

"Come on, let's bounce, counting on you to turn me around. Instead of clowning around, let's look for some common ground."

"Yes, Emmett stop clowning around. Here is our common ground, now get off of it or I will be forced to end your life that I unthinkably gave to you."

"Yes Emmett, stop singing Gwen Stefani. She is not the person to be copying for your song choice." Bella said, walking by. She and Edward were headed to his room it looked like. Wonder what they are going to be doing up there all alone with the door shut and the lights off and with that huge bed in the middle of the room. I know! They're playing hide and seek. Bella's probably going to hide in the bed and wait for Edward to come and get her.

Nothing wrong with that. I'll probably go join them as soon as—"Ooh, that reminds me of a song!"

"Boy don't try to front ah, ah. I know just what you are ah,ah. You say I'm crazy, I got you crazy. You're nothing but a womanizer."

Edwards voice echoed irritably from his room. He probably hasn't found Bella yet. "How does this remind you of that song.

Stupid Edward, always interrupting me. "Well, Bella's a girl isn't he—I mean—she." Suddenly, there was a growl. Ooh, I guess he found her. "My turn next!"

"Maybe if we both lived in a different world, it would be all good, and maybe I could be ya girl, but I can't 'cause we don't. Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer, oh. Womanizer oh, you are a womanizer, baby
You you you are, you you you are, womanizer, womanizer, womanizer."
I waited for the applause, but there was none. How rude. "Okay, I'm done."

"Thank god!" Carlisle mutter, running from the room, permanently scarred for the rest of his vampire life.

"Bella, Edward, here I come!"

"Oh shit!" Edward groaned. He must know I'm going to beat them.

That's it. As for those who noticed numbers 14 through 16 were missing, we just wanted you to notice they were already written by the writer of the list (the indifferent child of earth).

Just back from the awesome trip. Just kidding it was so boring. Screaming kids, hollering parents, the smell of dead rodents(wait, how did that get there?) You should get the point. Not fun.

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