Sorry this took so long. I started portfolio classes so all my time is taken up by art, oh and the new season of Gossip Girl. Chuck and Blair all the way people.
Big cuddly thank you to Haleyhoo, my fabulous beta.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Edward, Bella or any of the Twilight characters. Though I do own a very accurately drawn sketch of Kristen Stewart that my art teacher gave me an A- for, ;)
I had expected that things would be awkward between Edward and I at least for some time; but everything moved on as if the kiss had never happened.
But for some inexplicable reason that I was blaming on girl hormones Edward's nonchalance was pissing me off. I wanted for him to blush too when he looked at my lips, not that he did look at my lips.
My girl hormones were betraying me when it came to more than just Edward's lips. I found myself staring at his backside too, which wasn't something I had ever been much interested in before. Though Edward's jean clad backside was certainly not a bad sight.
I soon found though that Edward practically majored in ignoring the humongous pink elephant that seemed to be following us around. He was pretty good at pretending that the stuff that had happened between us and to him never happened.
I considered talking to him about it but I was a wimp and I couldn't see what difference talking would make.
So instead of obsessing over Edward and our nonexistent relationship, I concentrated on my recovery. I decided it was time to rid myself of my blades.
Edward came over on Monday to help and together we rooted out all the blades I had stuffed into corners and nooks. The whole thing was really more about symbolism than anything else, I could get more blades anywhere, but this was a sign to everyone that I was moving on.
There were even a few spots I'd forgotten about and we merely rediscovered by chance.
We were pretty much finished when I stood in the middle of my bedroom, my arms open staring around my room. It felt emptier somehow, though none of the blades or razors had been left out in the open anyway.
"I feel like I'm forgetting something" I said to Edward, who stood leaning against the door with his hands in his pockets. He shrugged "You sure you got them all from the bathroom?" I asked again. Edward rubbed his hand over his face and groaned, but went to check again anyway.
By the time we were definitely finished Edward's eyes were wide and his jaw was set. The sight of so many sharp objects he knew I'd used to hurt myself was pretty sickening I guess.
We left all the blades in the garage, Dad said he would be home in about an hour to get rid of them.
Edward suggested waffles, at our place, and I agreed, though I wasn't sure if he was trying to cheer me up or if he was just hungry.
We stopped first and picked up a packet of fizzy liquorice at the K-Mart along with chocolate chips. Edward paid, though he regretted it later when I refused to give him any.
I tore apart the liquorice and smothered my syrup covered waffles in the little pieces which I then topped with a mountain of chocolate chips. Edward patiently watched me at work. The corner of his mouth was twitching, but he wisely chose not to say anything.
When I finally tore into my waffles Edward opted to speak.
"You want to talk about it?" he mumbled around a mouthful of food. I shook my head wordlessly but he just kept staring at me until I groaned and lay down my fork anyway.
His asking was Edward's way of being polite; he wasn't actually giving me a choice.
"I'm cool" I shrugged, but Edward wasn't buying it. He reached hesitantly across the table and grasped my right hand between both of his "We both know that's not true".
I quickly pulled my hand away, knocking my fork to the ground as I did. Not the smooth exit I had been hoping for.
I quickly folded myself under the rickety plastic table, I was hoping for a moments reprieve to collect my thoughts; but in typical Edward fashion he followed me.
"Bella" he hissed "why are you under the table?" I waved the fork before his nose, though he barely even acknowledged it "Why are you under the table?" I demanded.
Edward's hand shot out and gripped my wrist, twisting me so I faced him, the fork clattered to the ground again "because you keep avoiding conversation" he spat.
Despite our minimal conversation the enclosed space had reduced us both to panting, "What about the other day?" I suddenly whispered "don't act like you haven't been avoiding that conversation".
Edward dropped my hand and eyed me curiously "I thought we'd said everything that needed to be said" he murmured flatly.
The annoying thing about his reply was that as insufficient as it was, he was absolutely right. What more was there to say on the subject? We liked each other, but it wasn't the right time for us. What else was there? I could have sworn there was something else?
Edward was eyeing me warily before he crawled away abruptly. I followed him out from under the table, to see him slapping some cash onto the table, which wobbled precariously. "Let's go Bella; I have something I want to show you".
I took his hand again as he led me out, the fork lay forgotten on the floor beneath our table.
Edward shoved a plain red copybook filled with his handwriting into my hands before flopping onto his leather chaise long. Schuyler Fisk sang in the background as I thumbed through the pages. I snorted with laughter as I saw with it was "A book of quotes" I howled "I'm rubbing off on you".
Edward grinned and threw his forearms over his eyes "Something like that. You can borrow it".
I sat gingerly on the floor beside Edward, my head resting against his outstretched legs. The book was filled with quotes about friendship.
"Some friends play at friendship but a true friend sticks closer than one's nearest kin."
"You wrote all these out, by hand?" I asked incredulously. Edward didn't answer.
"In the midst of happiness, one may not appreciate what happiness is."
Try as I might to be inspired, or at the very least amused, my heart wasn't in it. "Guess I'm just not in the quotation kinda mood" I muttered to Edward, before slipping the little notebook back into its place on the bookshelf.
Large hands landed on my waist and Edward dragged me back till I flopped down onto the bed beside him.
"What's with you today Bella" he grumbled, the heel of his hand partially covering his mouth as he pushed himself up by his elbow. "You're uncharacteristically morose".
I slowly pulled myself under the covers, cocooning myself in their warmth as I shook my head. Edward said something else, something encouraging I think, but I didn't hear.
I was already gone.
When Edward dropped me home, Charlie was only just collecting the boxes from outback. I had a sudden irrational wish to stop him ad bring the whole lot of them back to my room.
Charlie actually looked a little tearful as he loaded the boxes into the back of the cruiser, I felt the same.
He suddenly spotted me sitting watching him on the porch, but didn't acknowledge me. He finished loading the boxes and started the cruiser, hoping to get off before I really did change my mind. I was surprised when he left the car running and came over to me to stand on the porch and stare out at the cruiser with me.
He wiped his brow carefully before placing one of his beaten hands on my shoulder. "Here" he drawled as he thrust a crinkled picture at me "You probably have a ton, but this was always my favourite".
It wasn't a picture I'd ever seen before. It was a picture of my mum in an oversized Red Soxs t-shirt and a pair of frayed cut off shorts as she batted at the camera. She had always liked to pretend she hated having her picture taken.
Charlie shuffled his feet from behind me.
She was frowning at the photographer, who I knew instinctively must have been Charlie, but the corners of her mouth were turned up in that secretive smile we'd often shared with one another and that I'd somehow thought was mine.
It struck me hard, the knowledge that once upon a time my parents had been in love.
"She'd be proud of you Bella" he murmured, jerking his head towards the cruiser.
And the feeling I'd been fighting all day hit me full force, as I remembered what it was I'd been forgetting.
Grief. I felt grief.
I had forgotten my mother.
It should have been raining, to set the mood.
Beside me Edward squeezed my hand, on my other side my father stood stiffly.
He turned and trod away, he had mumbled something, a little choked. Edward remained beside me.
"He wasn't worth it" I yelled, my voice carrying over the rain. It wasn't raining.
Edward had no idea who I was talking about, but I kept talking anyway. "His hands were all over me, he's dragged me in there and suddenly they were…."
I felt his arm wrap around me but Edward was frozen and his jaw was locked.
"She knocked, banged on the door. It was open and she saw" I knelt beside my mother's tombstone. What was it doing in Forks? "I didn't see it in her hand, not until she pulled it, the trigger I mean".
Edward hands were clammy as he placed them on my cheeks "Bella"
My head bobbed up and our eyes met "Where'd she get it? We didn't own a gun. Was she planning it all along?"
I shook my head jerkily as Edward tugged at my hand, trying to get me to move back over to the car. "She closed the door. She was crying. She hated it when I saw her cry".
I reached out and traced the word mother engraved on the stone. I could see the body clearly in my body. She'd shot him clear on, in the head and he spattered everywhere. But I barely noticed, I was staring at the door waiting for my mother to dry her eyes and hug me.
"But then I heard it" I glanced back at Edward, his expression stoic. His shoes were shiny. What seventeen year old boy wears dress shoes? "The sound was muffled, she'd put it in her mouth and….."
Edward kneeled beside me and gently swept at my cheeks. I was crying. "You don't need to say anymore Bella" he whispered. He buried his head in my hair.
I seemed to sit there for ages longer before I found myself in the front seat of Edward's car. The cruiser was gone.
As Edward started the car I reached out and laid my right hand on his as it turned the key. "I have to know" I said, my voice stronger then usual. "Was it my fault? Was she mad at me?"
Edward swallowed harshly and allowed his hand to slip out from underneath mine. "She hated him Bella" he whispered furiously "for what he was doing to you".
I turned that over in my mind several times as Edward drove. "But" I said, slumping in the comfy leather chairs "doesn't that mean that either way it was my fault".
Review Please! Countdown to Halloween. Be sure to let me know what you're plans are. I'm living vicariously through you this year. Apparently I'm too old to 'trick or treat'.
Can't tell you when the next update will be but I noticed that this mid-term I haven't been getting any FF updates so I thought I'd treat you.