Ness's Dirty Secret

By Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus

Ness was just a sweet, little thirteen-year-old boy who enjoyed life and playing around with everyone. He was also proud of his PSI powers, of which he used to his advantages in many brawls, fights, and melees. He was also loved by just about everyone in Nintendo City, especially by his great friends in the Super Smash Brothers Mansion. But to everyone's surprise, on one fateful Saturday afternoon that would transcend to night later on, they, or rather a certain bread-obsessed pilot who personally prefers the air, would later find a horrifying secret that revealed the truth behind Ness's cheery, happy-go-lucky personality...

"Oh boy, I'm tired after all that fighting, I could eat an Octorock!" Ness exclaimed as he entered into the mansion and sat down on the red-colored comfortable couch, taking a relieved sigh as he took off his shoes and tilted his head back. "It feels so nice to just sit back and relax..."

As Ness closed his eyes and started relaxing, he could hear a cry from upstairs, the shouting getting louder as footsteps were heard coming down.

"Ness! Oh Ness! Yoohoo!"

Ness opened his eyes, and he turned around, to see Mario coming up to him, panting. Scratching his head, Ness got off the couch and approached Mario, curious as he looked at the red-capped Italian American plumber.

"Hey Mario, are you okay?" Ness asked sincerely, a slightly concerned and curious look on his face as he gave Mario a small glass of water.

Mario took the glass, and he drank the water down, letting out a sigh of relief as he placed the glass on the shelf near him and puffed up his chest, speaking to Ness, "Oh, well, I have to head out to Isle Delfino for the next Mario Kart grand prix, so I need you to make sure the mansion is in fine tune..." He patted the teenage boy on the head with a smile, "Okay?"

Ness smiled, and he nodded back, saluting. "Don't worry, Mario! I'll be keeping the place in check! You have my word for it!"

Mario laughed. "That's mah boi! Do me well, Ness!" And with that, the red-capped plumber hopped his way out of the mansion, locking the door.

Ness rubbed the back of his head, blushing a bit as he muttered to himself quietly. "Golly, running the whole place by myself?" He admitted embarrassingly, "It's gonna be touch, but I think I can handle it." His stomach then growled, and he laughed as he placed both of his hands on it, stating afterwards as he headed into the kitchen, "But right now, I think I'll dwell my hunger. I hope there's LOTSA SPAGHETTI in the fridge!"

Nearby, Falco Lombardi can be seen hiding behind some vases. Watching Ness head into the kitchen, the blue falcon muttered to himself, "He better not get his hands on my bread, or I'll turn him into a pizzacake..."


Later that same night...

"I'm going to the bathroom, to do my business! I'm heading to the bathroom, and then getting some nice ol' rest!" Ness cheerfully sang to himself as he closed the door behind him. The young boy then turned all the lights on, and he started stripping off his shorts, sitting down on the toilet seat of the first toilet stall.

A hidden camera was recently installed in the bathroom not too long ago, but there were plenty more of hidden cameras installed all over the place. This likely was the work of Falco, who got enraged due to seeing Ness eating his bread. Rubbing his hands together, Falco chuckled sinisterly as he watched Ness do his business... but something struck his mind.

"Huh?" Falco observed the scene closer, blinking in confusion as Ness pulled up his shorts and flushed the toilet, "He was only peeing, et he sat down to do it? Couldn't he just as done it while standing up?" Falco also pointed out the urinals that was right next to the toilets for the men, "More so, if he was gonna leak, couldn't he have used the urinal?"

Ness cheerfully hummed to himself as he was about to make his leave. However, he stopped by the mirror and took a good glance at himself. He frowned. "Hmm, I look a bit pale. Maybe some makeup should do..." He took out some lipstick he had in his right pocket and started using it on his lip, following with make up for his cheeks, to make them more pink.

Falco's eyes twitched as he watched Ness's every move, making the falcon more cautious. "Why would a teenage boy of all things bother with girly stuff?" He asked himself as he watched Ness pull his baseball bat out of his butt and do a pose with it, noticing the giggle that came out of the boy. Falco's jaw dropped in disbelief as the giggle sounded very feminine... not normal for a thirteen year old boy. "All right, I think it's high time that I gave him a whooping for my bread," He decided as he made his way out of the secret room underneath the wooden planks in the living room and ran upstairs.

Ness came out of the bathroom, his baseball bat safely tucked away in his... rear. Looking in both directions, Ness sighed of relief as he wiped his forehead and stated to himself, "Golly, I'm glad no one's around to see me with make up. It would be just awful if anyone found out about my actual sexuality..." He admitted with a gulp as he cautiously made his way to his room. However, he started panicking as he heard footsteps running up, and he screamed in a high pitched girl voice, running back into the bathroom and holding the door shut.

Falco made it upstairs, and he grinned as he spotted the bathroom. He proceeded to try and brweak the door with his fists, but it seemed as if Ness was holding a powerful grip enough for the door to not break down. Getting impatient, Falco took out his blaster and started shooting the wooden stables that held the door together, and then proceeded forward with a full on tackle, which caused the door to fall right on Ness. Falco picked up the door and chucked it to the side, grabbing ness and glaring straight into the frightened boy's eyes.

"I don't know if you're a glutton for trouble, an idiot, or a wimp," He growled as he slammed Ness down on the ground, "But for the last damn time, keep your damn dirty HANDS OFF MY FUCKING BREAD!!!" With that, Falco proceeded to smack Ness into a corner at the end of the bathroom and started chain grabbing the PSI boy, doing more injustice than it was needed. Ness cried out in pain as he tried to break free, but Falco continued on hitting him, enough to cause the boy to fall on his butt.

As Falco prepared to finish him off, he stopped, to see that Ness was in tears, sobbing as his eyes were watery. Falco stopped and cringed as he tried looking away, but he then heard the sobbing going into loud crying. As Falco covered his precious eardrums, he noticed that Ness's crying sounded so much more feminine than any other boys' cries he heard in the many battles he had... and he noticed that Ness was crying even more now than he was whenever he was beaten in a match. Falco dropped his jaw in shock as he finally realized the whole situation after putting th pieces together.

"Y-Y-Y-You're really a g-g-g-girl, Ness!?" Falco stuttered as his eyes widened with shock, taking a step back as he was shaking.

Ness nodded, sniffling as he still wailed loudly. "Oh Falco, I've been keeping this a complete secret from everyone ever since I was born, even from my family!" He continued wailing as he stood up, grabbing a pink napkin from his shorts and blowing on it, "My parents didn't want me to be a girl when I was born, so they allowed me to switch genders when I learned how to speak. But..." He continued crying, tears rolling down his shirt as Falco approached and started patting the boy-girl on the shoulder, "I realized that I rather be a girl than a guy, but by the time that occured, I was seen as a boy by everyone in Onett... oh... the shame..." He collapsed on Falco, shaking his head as he stated, "If everyone knew that I was actually a girl and not born a guy, they would flip out! Just like they first did with Birdo!"

Falco only shook his head as he held Ness close to him. "Don't worry, Ness - your secrt is safe with me," He stated in a kind tone of voice, rubbing Ness's back.

Ness sniffled, looking up at falco with a faint smile. "R-really?" He asked in a sweet response.

Falco continued looking down at Ness, until he grinned and cackled, pushing Ness to the floor. "Hahahaha! Of course not! This is comedic gold right here!" He sinisterly grinned as he headed out of the bathroom, shouting with glee dastardly, "Wait 'till everyone in the city hears the news! Ness, actually being a girl who swapped genders to be a boy! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"FALCO, NO!!!!" Ness cried out as he chased after Falco, crying once more as he was depressed and embarrassed at the same time. Unfortunately, Falco was faster than Ness, and the result from this would later cause Ness to isolate himself from the mansion for fifteen days straight. Ness completely avoided contact with anyone during those days, for everyone who got word of the truth would spur controversy about the boy-girl. After the fifteen days have gone and passed, everyone accepted for who Ness really was, and feeling better about the situation, Ness came back to the mansion, though he became more feminine and protective due to this. Alas, he would still be embarrassed by anyone if he was referred to as a girl, but despite that, he resumed having the happy life of a boy that he always had. On the bright side of it, though, at least Ness finally got the long awaited chance to also live his life as a girl, something he wanted to stick with long after the gender bender.

And in the end, Falco finally managed to keep people's hands off his bread, though it came with a price - he had to fork over his arwing to Sakurai for a chunky landmaster. And boy, did Falco regret that decision ever since.


Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus's Note: I blame the many fads on the Internet, and from being on... err... GameFaqs (shudder), I just conviently spotted this little tibbit about Ness actually being a girl. I thought it was funny as heck, so, umm... well, you just read what it would be like! But then again, now that I think about it, Nintendo does have weird characters, and we have Birdo, the mother/father of transexuals...

(silence)

...I don't know about what you folks think, folks, but this is so interesting and hilarious that I'm going to refer to Ness as a girl from now on, because he appears to be much more feminine than masculine... and that's saying a lot compared to the other characters (Kirby, Lucas). But yeah, that's basically it. Hope you guys enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!