Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or things Twilight/Southern Vampire Mysteries-related

This is my first fan-fic. Review or flame, whatever pleases you!

Grammar is major fail. Any suggestions welcome.

Warning: Mature Audiences only! Language and Smut

Chapter 1


Sex and the Supernatural

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Bella POV

Two weeks prior

This was a completely stupid idea.

As I was rearranging vibrators in the display by color type, I found myself wondering how I got into this fucking situation.

How will arranging this shit into color categories make a difference? I can imagine our first customer asking if we carry happy sticks in a range of pastel colors.

Why in the world did I decide to open a sex store with my sisters? Wait, that's right. Three horny werewolf sisters and a large supply of vodka equal insanity.

Completely stupid and all Alice's idea. As soon as she had her most recent vision, she had talked Rose and I into helping her, well, more like bribed and threatened. She insisted that this store was the only way for her to get the circumstances right for her soul mate to appear. Her pouting eventually broke us. Rosalie was excited about having access to all the kinky toys and working some of her own designs into the mix. Alice eventually guilt-tripped me into this hare-brained scheme by promising to leave my wardrobe alone for an entire year along with no forced-hostage shopping trips.

Heh, well, that and first pick at sex goodies isn't too bad either.

If only Rose and I hadn't been masturbation addicts, we might not have cracked under Alice's manipulation. We are two of the horniest bitches around and would never miss any opportunity for self-gratification. Yes, that kind of gratification. Due to the lack of quality werewolf men in Seattle proper, there was no one more knowledgeable about the need for durable sex toys for supernatural girls than our little sisterly trio. The average vibrator just didn't cut it for a she-wolf or a vamp these days. Hell, even I had lost count of the number of vibrators I went through in the last couple of years.

I was absent-mindedly moving the vibrators into their assigned warm and cool color ranges while thinking about everything that had led to this store. After I finished that task, I started rearranging the eggs around. Finding eggs that strong enough to survive werewolf Kegel exercises…let's just say that it took some serious searching to find a material that wouldn't collapse like playdoh. When the time span on your life is pretty much unlimited, you've got to keep those muscles in shape. Happy Easter to me. Bet momma and daddy don't want the kiddies to go hunting for these eggs.

"Rosalie! Alice! Get your furry asses in here now! Who decided to move the cock rings to the girl goody section? I thought we discussed this before!" I yelled toward the back stock room.

"Calm down, Bella! I saw how well the placement will work for sales, and believe me, it will be fucking phenomenal," Alice snapped back at me.

Stupid future-seeing pixie. She always mixes us in with her crystal ball shit and here I am arranging dick sticks to flow with the colors of the rainbow.

As I walked back toward the stock room, I heard Rosalie yell back at us, "Both of you shut up! Jesus Mary Wolf! Why do you both have to be such whores about this? There's no need to get so worked up. In fact, I think that both of you need to spend some quality time sampling the merchandise, because frankly, the room reeks of frustrated werewolf bitch!"

The doorbell at the front of the shop jingled slightly, alerting us that someone had entered the shop. Here goes nothing! Let's see how pervy our first customer is. Maybe it will be a hot Alpha…hopefully it's not some shriveled old guy wanting to watch free porn on the display TV.

I ran out to the front, trying to beat Rosalie and Alice to the counter to greet the customer, but as luck had it, I tripped over my own two feet and nearly face-planted into the counter. I managed to bounce off a display of penis-enlargers that were stacked up floor-to-waist height behind the counter and promptly landed on my ass, only to have all the boxes tumble back toward me

Why am I so damned clumsy?! If I could only run around on four feet all the time, this might not be a problem. Sadly, that might freak out the locals a bit.

As I struggled to get off my ass, I heard a loud booming laugh interspersed with a series of snorts.

"That was the funniest damned thing I've seen in ages! Do you guys do dinner and a show too?" the voice added between guffaws.

I looked up and saw a giant shape on the other side of the counter. I found myself staring open-mouthed at the largest vampire I had ever seen. God, I thought only wolves came in super-size! Hmm, not bad looking for a leech.

His eyes were twinkling and he was having a problem catching his breath due to his laughing fit.

I scrambled off the floor as quickly as possible, considering I had landed buried amongst the penis-enlargers. I could feel the blush climbing up my cheeks and wondered if this moment could be any worse.

Rosalie recovered first. Flashing her sexiest grin, she quickly spouted off our store motto without missing a beat. "Welcome to Sex and the Supernatural, where getting off is our goal! Our toys are made to last and will survive any kinky shit that you can think of. Believe us, if you can imagine it, we've already tried it."

I looked over at the burly vamp and realized that his mouth was hanging open slightly and his eyes were beginning to take on a glazed quality. I let out a groan and rolled my eyes. Thank you for that ad-lib, Rosalie! Now we can add 'slutty' to the store sign. We sure as hell hadn't put that last part on our official slogan. I'm not sure if his dazed expression was a result of her perverted mouth or her looks. After Rose cleared her throat and coughed a bit, the guy seemed to snap back to reality.

He was still staring at Rose when he started to speak, "Good morning, ladies. My name is Emmett. I'm actually here about the seduction lessons. I have a brother who's been clinging to his virginity like a fifteenth century convent nun. He's a real life 110 year old virgin. The 40-year old guy from the movies has nothing on him. We've decided it's time to sex educate him into the 21st century. So, which one of you is Bella?"….