A/N: Original title was 'Bastard', but, since titles must be K-rated, I obviously couldn't call it that. Story inspired by a comment I made on an improperly named (though still humerous) fic I read. No real excuse. Enjoy the brain rot. = ) A/N
Sasuke, bags of freshly bought groceries at his sides, tried desperately to ignore the very loud and irritating voice calling to him from the depths of the Konoha street market crowd.
"Sasukeeeeee!" it called, "Sasukeeeee! Sasuke, wait up!"
To Sasuke's chagrin, Naruto made it through the sea of people and darted suddenly in front of him, causing him to stop.
"What do you want, idiot?" Sasuke glowered.
"Sheeesh, can't a guy just say hello?" Naruto pouted.
Sasuke sighed lightly, casting his eyes to the side. Needless social interaction was not what he wanted right now. But knowing Naruto, he would probably persist and follow if Sasuke tried to leave. Best to just get it over with here.
Sasuke's lowered vision allowed him to notice that Naruto was holding something he hadn't seen before. It was what looked like golden-brown rectangular dango lined up on a skewer. Ah, a conversation starter.
"What's that?" Sasuke asked, pointing to the skewer, actually somewhat curious.
Naruto glanced to the stick, having forgotten he was holding it. Once reminded, however, he became instantly excited.
"Oh yeah! Sasuke you won't believe it!" he exclaimed, "They just came out with this amazing new snack thing! It's called a 'marsh-mal-low'." Naruto struggled with the strange word.
"Hn. What's in it?" Sasuke asked next.
"Ah, that's the best part!" grinned Naruto, "It's just sugar! Somehow the dango guy discovered that you can make sugar stick together and then cook it! Isn't that amazing?! It tastes really good too, you should try it!" He munched one of the marshmallows to prove his point, positively wiggling in flavorful ecstasy.
Sasuke looked away coolly. "I don't like sweet things."
That was the wrong thing to say. Next thing Sasuke knew, Naruto had joyfully yanked one side of Sasuke's bangs and shoved the end of the marshmallow rod in his mouth, saying, "Neh, come on Sasuke, at least try it!"
Sasuke gulped the marshmallow on the end out of pure shock. He spluttered and coughed, gripping his throat as the gooey sugar glob crept toward his stomach. Naruto watched him, obviously enjoying Sasuke's torment.
"Neh? Neh? How was it? Isn't it great?" he eagerly inquired once Sasuke was done choking.
Sasuke looked up at Naruto, heaving, his face shadowed and his eyes glaring with enough evil to petrify Medusa. "Naruto…" he said, voice dripping venom.
Naruto laughed nervously. "Uhh…bye!" he said suddenly, and scuttled away in a hurry.
In a hunch, Sasuke attempted to quell his anger. Naruto was gone. This was good. Now he could go home. After a deep breath or two, his mood was subdued and he was on his way.
As Sasuke put his groceries away, he began to feel strange. A tingling sensation was buzzing dully in the back of his head, and for some reason he was starting to feel like a good run…to the other side of the country.
Shaking his head, Sasuke tried to rid himself of the feeling. He finished putting his groceries away and went to have a sit down, but within minutes he found himself wandering his abode with an unusual lack of concentration.
A few minutes here, move to the kitchen, stand over here, go to the window, sit down, stand up, he just couldn't be still!
'What's happening to me? Why can't I concentrate?' Sasuke thought, scrunching a fist through his bangs in frustration.
"…Sugar," he realized suddenly, "Naruto!" Anger stirring again, he made swiftly for the door, but froze suddenly when he heard a rustle coming from one of his empty grocery bags still sitting on the kitchen shelf.
Instantly, Sasuke took up a defensive fighting stance.
"Who's there?" he demanded.
The bag rustled again, and this time, a little white cylinder bounced out of it and wiggled merrily at him.
Sasuke's brow furrowed. "Ma…marshmallow?" he questioned.
The confection in question bounded with apparent joy of being recognized. Then a noise emanated from Sasuke's garbage can, toward which he snapped his attention. Another marshmallow hopped from said can and onto its lid, also bouncing with happiness.
Sasuke felt something on his toe, and he sharply looked down. A third marshmallow squirmed gleefully on his foot. Gasping with confusion and shock, Sasuke kicked the thing from him. It hit the wall near the first marshmallow and slid to the counter. Sasuke watched as the flung marshmallow was aided by its companion. Once upright, the two marshmallows seemed to consort for a moment, issuing high pitched squeaks, and then asked something of the second marshmallow on the garbage can. It squeaked in concurrence. All three of them then hopped from their respective places and gathered in the middle of Sasuke's kitchen floor.
And then, they grew.
Inexplicably puffing larger and larger, the marshmallows reached such a size that they filled the place! They also developed what seemed like snarling, foaming mouths that chomped and bit at the air. Sasuke gaped at them in appall and horror. Quickly he grabbed a kunai from his pouch as they lunged at him, wild with some strange form of sugar rabies.
Sasuke sliced at them, then fell back, sliced and fell back, sliced and fell back, but it was no good! The sugar was too thick and fluffy, and just fell back in on itself and kept coming.
Seeing that this was useless, Sasuke flung his kunai aside. He thought quickly, then smirked and began making hand signs. Sugar could burn, right?
"Katon Ryuuka no Jutsu!" he shouted, and sent a stream of flame directly at the oncoming marshmallows.
They writhed and twitched, screaming monstrously. The flow of flame halted, and Sasuke watched victoriously as the marshmallows…caramelized?
Panic-stricken, Sasuke tried to retreat, but, chuckling, the now golden-brown marshmallows were upon him. One grabbed onto his right arm, engulfing it in searing liquid sugar. Sasuke gave a choked cry of pain. Another smothered his legs, lifting him off the ground and rendering him rather defenseless.
Panting and boiling alive, Sasuke could do nothing but watch and prepare himself as the last marshmallow moved to swallow his midriff and finish him o-
Sasuke blinked. He took in his surroundings. It was a calm, quiet night in his house. The moon shone dimly through a window on the wall behind him. He himself was lying on his stomach in the middle of the floor.
No marshmallows. No death. No nothing. Just one big empty room.
He'd been dreaming.
A tad bleary, he sat up slowly and rubbed his head, a small headache blooming. He'd apparently fallen asleep in the middle of the floor as he was on his way to the door. But why?
…And then he remembered everything.
Naruto opened his door, yawning.
"Sasuke? What are you doing here? And at this hour?" he wondered.
A prompt whack delivered to his cranium told him all he needed to know.
"Owwww..!" wailed Naruto, clutching the extremely large bump forming atop his head.
"Bastard." Sasuke said simply, and walked away, satisfied.