and bit by bit, we break.
Somewhere along the years they've come to embody that doomed soap opera couple.
The firs time it happens, he's eighteen and she's six months short of eighteen and it happens in the spur of the moment because she's crying those heart wrenching sobs and he really can't stand there and see her fall apart not when he himself is cracking. The event is a mixture of sweat laced with bitterness and of love tinged with despair and it's all quite beautiful really, if you were to objectively look at it. Or if you are the kind who sees beauty in tragedy.
But they don't see it as something beautiful. They see it as something terrible, something desperate and everything to do with love.
And as they lie together their in the afterglow, there's no happiness awaiting them, even though afterglow implies happiness. Tomorrow he's Sally's boyfriend, tomorrow she's Sam's girlfriend. Tomorrow she leaves for college and tomorrow he leaves for film school. Tomorrow they are collectively leaving for a future filled with misery and unhappiness and hurried trysts in dark corners.
But tonight they'll imagine they belong to each other, that they'll have a future, even though it's only a few hours to sunrise. Because hope springs eternal in Casey and even in Derek's bleeding heart.
They close their eyes and whisper goodbyes. Unmentioned words of love float in the air around them but it's too difficult to say it without breaking all over again.
Sunrise comes much to early and he wakes up to an empty bed and cries into a pillow that smells of lavender and vanilla while she blots the constant tears that ruin her make-up in the bathroom nearby.
Downstairs they say goodbye one last time and embrace briefly. He almost mentions love but something stops him and he steps back, biting his lips till it bleeds.
Tomorrow has come.
(love is a bed of thorns and you bleed all over it)
The next time they meet is after graduation and George and Nora are so happy to have them home that they ignore the fact that Casey won't decorate the house and Derek is all too eager to help with everything.
Everything's fucked up but simultaneously, everything's all right too.
They also ignore frenzied whispers emanating from closets, choked sobs escaping from the bathrooms and the constant smell of smoke, alcohol and bitterness that hangs around Derek. If the other children notice, they don't say anything either. Ignorance is bliss.
Emily comes home to visit along with Sheldon to see them and though she keeps a steady stream of talk going, she knows. She sends them a pitying look and wishes she had a magic wand to make everything right. Because what's going is just not right.
Seeing Sheldon and Emily laughing, talking and being in love, twists a knife through Casey's heart. It twists and twists and twists until all that is left is a bloodied mess and she doesn't even have the strength anymore to cry and try and hope to heal it.
Seeing Sheldon and Emily and Casey watching them as if her heart is breaking, Derek gets so angry he can't see straight. Everything blurs until only the image of Casey dances before his eyes. She's crying and he can't even do anything to comfort her.
He hates everything that has happened until now and what they've become but he's powerless because there's something bigger working against them and for once he wants this to be a soap opera where they are no longer the doomed couple without a chance in the world.
George and Nora notice Casey breaking and Derek falling apart and for the first time they wonder if they really did make the right decision.
(do our choices make or break us?)
Sam and Sally are long gone but there are new people in their place. And if Derek closes his eyes tightly enough, he can imagine happiness once more and so can Casey. So they spend the next few years of their life eyes closed and imagine happiness and try to feel it, grasp it but never being able to capture it because it's so close and yet so far.
But the illusion breaks and once again they are alone. But the loneliness is of their own making unlike the misery in which they are steeped and in which they stew.
And they meet once again under the hood of the darkness and in the silence of the night because it's imperative that she see him and it's imperative that he sees her, simply because they need to breathe and feel like they are living again.
And in a cheap motel with a rickety old bed and questionable sheets, they sleep intertwined, finally finding happiness for the first time in years.
In the morning there's no guilt and no sorrow but there's bitter resignation that hangs over their head like a guillotine waiting to fall.
This time they don't say goodbye because goodbye means forever and they don't know if they can handle it. Besides there's a tiny spark growing inside of them and slowly gaining momentum. It burns brightly and it never fades.
It's called hope.
(and they dream because it's all they have to keep going)
They reach that point where they refuse to accept things the way they are. They are tired of living lives that resemble normalcy but are just fronts for emptiness and heartache.
She packs her bags and sits in front of the door waiting for him. He draws up in the Prince which has seen many years and has passed into a state where the only thing it could only be classified as scrap yard material. Yet she's happier than she's ever been and so has he.
As they drive down a highway into the sunlight, with their hands intertwined and in a companionable silence she knows everything's going to be okay just as he knows they are going to be together for eternity.
The thing with them is they were meant to be. And despite everything that happened they were going to be.
They'll let the whole world know, even if takes ages.
Because if anything, Casey and Derek know how to fight for what they want.
( and they say darling, screw the world)
This felt like cheese I cant digest. Meh.