Twilight vs Hellsing (A Vampire Discussion)

Disclaimer: I don't own any material contained within this story. All copyrighted content remains the property of the person, people, or organization that holds the copyright. This story is solely for fun.

The Ruby was quiet. The lunch rush had passed, and the dishes had all been collected and placed inside the washer... all except for Brent's, that was. The two hundred (plus) pounder was always the last one done. Lacey looked over at the man. He was just starting in on his third chilly-cheese-dog. Lacey went over and got a pie ready for his dessert. Then, having nothing else that needed doing at the moment, the dark-haired diner-owner opened up her latest book and started reading.

Brent reached for the bottle of 'catsup', intending to further drown his fries in the red liquid, only to discover that the bottle was empty. The gas station owner cast a look over at the diner owner. "Pass me the bottle of ketchup by your hand, will ya?" But the dark-haired woman didn't reply. Brent tried to get her attention by shaking the empty bottle and calling out her name. "Oh, Lacey... Lacey Burrows." Still, he received no response.

With a half-grown/half-sigh, the overweight gas jockey lifted himself from his stool. "Never mind. Let me, the customer, get it." The man commented in good natured sarcasm as he walked over and retrieved the bottle of ketchup.

As Brent's, rather large shadow fell over Lacey's open book, the woman was finally snapped out of her trance like state. "Huh?" She looked up to see Brent grabbing the ketchup bottle next to her hand. She gave the man a quizzical look. "Why didn't you say something? I would've brought the bottle over to you."

"I did..." Brent half-wined, "twice. But you were too into in your book... or something."

Lacey let out an embarrassed little laugh, and her voice took on a slightly apologetic tone. "Oh, sorry. It's just that I'm reading a very good book." The woman beamed as Brent went back over and reclaimed his stool.

"So I gathered." The gas jockey replied sardonically as he opened the bottle of 'catsup' and poured another red wave over his fries. "What's it about, anyway?" He asked half out of curiosity and half just to keep the conversation going. Brent always did enjoy talking with people, especially Lacey... unless of course she started inserting a bunch of psychological 'mumbo jumbo' that he didn't understand. Then he just pictured her in a Wonder Woman costume and injected his favorite Super Friends' lines.

"Oh, well, it's called Twilight; and it's about a girl and a vampire..."

"Ah... A vampire action novel?" Brent cut in, and his eyes lit up a little. "With blood sucking, sword fighting, shooting, a crazed villain who wants to take over the world and enslave the human race..." Brent's hands formed into fists; and he made a couple of short, quick jabs at the air as he continued, "and a rag-tag band of misfit, good guys sworn to stop him?"

"Ah... not exactly." The woman replied. "It's a romance novel."

"Oh... interest waning." Brent commented.

"Oh, come on." Lacey responded. "I know you're a romantic at heart. I saw you cry at the end of Titanic." The woman teased.

"I had something in my eye." The man lied... uh, defended.

"Yeah, right." Lacey replied with a little smirk as she brought the book over. "Come on, give it a try... I'm sure you'll like it."

Brent sighed... but relented. He was just starting to read the book when Hank Yarbo, Brent's best friend since fourth grade, emerged from the hallway that connected The Ruby to Corner Gas, the small town's only gas station.

"Hey, buddy, whatcha reading?" The 'jack-of-all-trades'/village idiot asked.

"Oh, just some vampire book. Lacey wanted me to try it."

"A vampire book? Cool! With lots of action, blood sucking, sword fighting, shooting, a crazed villain..."

As Lacey sighed and rolled her eyes, Brent cut in. "I wish... No, this one's a romance novel."

Hank's brow furled. "A Romance novel?"

"Yeah, some book called Twilight." Brent replied as he went back to reading the first page.

"You mean the book with the vampires that sparkle in the sunlight?"

The gas jockey immediately stopped reading. "Vampires that sparkle in the sunlight?" He raised an eyebrow at Lacey, the man's expression saying, 'What the hell have you got me reading, woman?'.

Once again Lacey looked a little embarrassed. "Well, yeah... they do sparkle in the sunlight."

Brent quickly closed the book and pushed it away. "Oh No-ho-ho-ho, thank you." The man stated emphatically.

"Ah, come on, Brent. You're not going to let one little scene stop you from reading a whole book, are you? I mean, the author is allowed some artistic license."

As Lacey was speaking, Wanda, the town's local 'know-it-all' and Brent's one employee, entered the diner. "Hey, Brent, your lunch hour's already gone an extra thirty minutes. How long you gonna expect me to hold down the fort all by myself?"

Brent turned to Wanda and cast her an 'are you serious?' gaze. "Oh, I'm sorry. How could I have just left you out there... all alone. I forgot about the post-lunch gas rush. What have we had: three... four customers since I've been gone?" The man responded sardonically.

"Five, actually." The woman replied with a little attitude. "Six... If you count Hank."

"Ah..." Brent waived dismissively. "Hank's not a customer."

"Hey!" Hank interjected. "Why don't I count as a customer?"

Brent cast Hank the same look he'd given Wanda a moment earlier. "Customer's spend money... they don't 'borrow' it."

"Fine. Well if you're not interested in the book, I'll just take it back." Lacey cut in, trying to hide a slight pout, as she reached for her book.

"Book? What book?" Wanda questioned.

"A bank's customers borrow money." Hank piped in, even though the conversation had already moved to another topic.

The only response Hank's statement solicited was a little shaking of the head from his friend, while the latter replied to Wanda's question. "It's called Twilight... apparently it's a 'vampire' romance novel... only the 'vampires' sparkle in sunlight."

"Oh..." Wanda replied then turned to Lacey. "You really shouldn't be reading that."

"And why is that?" The diner owner replied defensively, though she did her best to hide it under a guise of sassiness.

"Because it's degrading to women." The gas station employee answered in the kind of tone a teacher would use with a student. "The book is completely devoid of any strong female characters, and Bella is constantly being rescued by the lead male... Not to mention that said lead male shows classic signs of an abusive boyfriend mentality."

"Oh... and what would you recommend I read?" Lacey asked and was a little taken back when the three other people in the room instantly retorted with the same answer...

"Hellsing!" They each nearly shouted.

"It's got two strong female leads, Seras Victoria and Integra Hellsing." Wanda stated.

"Yeah, and it's action packed." Hank added. "Some really great fight scenes."

"Not to mention the main, male vampire is, in reality, Dracula himself." Brent offered up. "And best of all..."

"No sparkly vampires!" The three again stated in unison.

Lacey just cast them all strange looks for a moment. "Okay... Guys, really... not that big a deal." The one person not born in the small town replied. When she'd first gotten into the conversation, Lacey had no idea that she was broaching another one of Dog River's insane obsessions.

"Okay... maybe not that big a deal." Brent relented. "But still, if you'd ever read Hellsing, you'd understand its superiority."

"Oh, hey..." Hank cut in as he reached inside his coat pocket and pulled out a wrinkled up issue of the Manga. Even Brent raised an eyebrow at his friend. "What?" Hank asked.

"So what, you're carrying the first volume around with you now?" Brent responded.

"Well, I don't see you doing it." Hank replied, sounding as if it was one of those dirty jobs that someone had to do.

Brent just shook his head again. One simply couldn't argue with that kind of skewed logic.

Hank opened up the volume and pointed to a drawing, illustrating a 'man', in a fedora hat and oversized coat, blowing the head off of some zombie-like creature. Hank pointed to the 'man'. "See? That's Alucard, the Hellsing organization's secret weapon. Pretty cool, huh?"

"I thought you said Dracula was the male lead?" Lacey asked, sounding somewhat confused.

"He is." Brent replied. "Alucard is Dracula. At some point one of Integra's ancestors inverted the name..." Brent paused for a moment before shrugging and continuing, "I don't know why."

Lacey took another look at the drawing. "Dracula... with guns? Somehow I have a hard time buying that."

"Well, uh... You see..." Hank stammered, and his hands moved, fingers interlacing and coming apart, as he tried to formulate an appropriate response. "Uh... When a bullet cuts into a body, the speed it's traveling at generates a lot of heat. And that heat vaporizes some of the person's blood, putting it into the air. And then Dracula inhales that and..." Hank looked over to see Wanda giving him an even more condescending look than normal. "What?"

The short, blonde woman shook her head. "You got that off of In Plain Sight, didn't you?"

"What? It's a good show. You know, after the initial pilot... which stunk." Hank defended.

"Alright, even if I buy Hank's vaporized blood theory, I'm still not interested in a comic book that's all action and blood and guts." Lacey cut in.

"That's not all it is." Brent replied with an expression that looked akin to a school boy in a playground argument over who was better, Superman or Spider-man.

"Yeah." Hank was quick to agree. "It also has a funny romance between Integra and her 'pet' vampire, Alucard."

"Um... excuse me?" Wanda countered. "The real pairing is Alucard and his fledgling, Seras."

"What are you talking about? Seras is with the perverted French Merc-"

"Alright, you two, please." Brent cut in, attempting to play referee before the argument got out of hand. "You're both right. Alucard has a relationship with both his master... and fledgling."

Wanda rejected her boss's statement. "Awww, you just say that because you like the idea of a threesome with Integra and Seras."

"No." Brent defended. "When a fan asked Crispin Freeman, the guy who does the voice for Alucard in both the Anime and OVA, which person his character was actually paired up with, he replied, 'I get two guns; I get two girls.'" That makes it canon.

"The opinion of one voice actor does not make a pairing canon." Wanda argued.

"Yeah." Hank agreed.

"See, even Hank agrees. Oh wait, Hank agrees? I may be wrong about this." Wanda mused.

"Hey!" Hank objected.

And Lacey just shook her head at the whole thing and decided to retire to the kitchen before the pointless pairing argument killed anymore of her brain cells.

(Well, thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed the one-shot. There have been numerous mentions of vampires, from popular culture, throughout the Corner Gas series; and I just thought it might be fun to play around with a couple of the most popular ones that seemed to have been left out. And of course I made Lacy the Twilight fan, because, let's face it, she's never going to fit in. LoL Please drop me a review and let me know what you thought. Thanks.
Have a good day, and God bless.
Metropolis Kid.)