AN: HERE WE ARE! – Shits and Giggles… this is the first installment in a collaborative effort of some of your favorite Twilight fanfic author's. Yes, you read that right, we all have real stories! Anyhoo, this is the first installment… let's see how it goes…
We do not own Twilight… we just like to make the character's do obnoxious things…
The Dastardly Dook
I was sweating bullets to say the least.
Edward took me to IHOP for lunch because I saw a commercial about the stuffed French toast they offered and said I wanted to try it. Edward being Edward jumped right on it and found the nearest International House of Pancakes to take me to. For an hour straight, I stuffed my face with the warm, syrupy, buttery, fruit-filled confections with little inhibition. I was gorged.
And now I'm paying the price.
"Love, are you alright?" Edward asked me as we pulled into the Cullens drive.
I swallowed and clenched my butt cheeks together. There was no way in HELL that I would tell Edward what was going on in the gurgling battleground that is my intestines. My cheeks were flushed and I'm sure he could hear the rumbling in my stomach, but I would not falter. "I'm fine; just a little full."
Edward nodded and dropped the subject. I was not going to discuss my bowel movements with my hot vampire boyfriend who had super human hearing and smelling abilities. Not to mention his entire family are vamps as well. If I couldn't hold out, I was sure going to be one embarrassed human. I'd never even considered ever doing the numero dos at the Cullen house.
"What do you say we go upstairs and have a little fun?" Edward teased playfully, using vampire speed to open my door for me.
I laughed and took his hand, stepping out of the car. Oh my fucking GOD! Hold it back, Bella! Standing up straight, I knew this was a lost cause. I needed a bathroom, and fast!
"Are you sure you're alright, Bella? You look a bit strained." Edward's brows were furrowed in concern.
If you only knew! I've never been so happy you can't hear my thoughts! "I'm fine, Edward, really. I just need to freshen up a bit before we have that fun." I plastered a smile on my face and was relieved when he seemed to buy my cover story.
Edward picked me up bridal style and ran into his house, past his family, and up the stairs to the third floor bathroom. I was prairie doggin' in the worst way when he sat me down in the doorway. "I'll be waiting for you, love."
"I'll just be a few minutes," I squeaked out. This particular shit was going to be KING. Damn you, IHOP!
Edward placed a cool kiss on my cheek before leaving me to my self. I shut the door and locked it, even though I knew it was pointless to do so when any of the Cullens could shred the door with their pinky finger if they were so inclined. I flipped on the moisture ventilation fan in a futile attempt to disperse the stench that was sure to accompany the product of $30 worth of breakfast food.
I lifted the lid to my porcelain savior and quickly undid the button on my jeans and pushed them down before plopping my butt down on the seat. It's okay, Bella. What goes in must come out. Everybody poops. Unless you're a vampire. Oh God! Why is this happening to me? Wait! I sucked in my muscles and waddled over to the sink with my jeans wrapped around my ankles and turned on the faucet. Hopefully none of them can hear me with the water running.
With all of my reinforcements in place, I resumed my hella-crap.
It never occurred to me how gassy I would be. Utilizing my stellar muscles, I tried to control the force in which the farts came out. My skin flushed red when I heard the kazoo-like sound coming from my body.
"Ssshh!" I hissed to my bowels. My stomach growled in response. It didn't care that I was humiliating myself in Edward's pristine bathroom. I bet I was the first person to ever sully this particular toilet with excrement.
With massive concentration, I continued to let out the air. I wasn't expecting the force from within to take over. My body shook, my stomach rumbled, and my eyes went wide. My attempts at salvaging my dignity were pointless. With a massive gust, I let off the biggest ass-rocket known to man. The Tuba had nothing on my release. I felt the vibrations rack my body, maybe even the doorknob. Amidst the horror, my unintentional groan and the sound that ripped from my body had alerted the worst Cullen possible to my little situation.
"What the FUCK was that!?" Emmett bellowed from below.
No, no, NO! Not Emmett. Please, no, just let it go dude. Just let it GO!
My bowels must have listened to my internal dialogue because they whined in protest, gushing out another wave of stinky goulash in the loudest manner possible. Fuck you, colon! I hate you!
"Bella, love, are you alright?"
GO AWAY, EDWARD! YOU'RE NOT NEEDED HERE! "I'm fine, Edward. I'll just be a few more minutes."
"Do you not feel well?"
Fucking shit! LITERALLY! "I'm good." NOW GO AWAY!
"Let me in, love."
I watched in horror as Edward jiggled the doorknob. "Edward, I'm taking care of my lady business. Please!"
"Love, I may not be human but I do know when you aren't feeling well. Let me in." His voice was steely. He had made up his mind.
"Edward, I am going to die if you come in here…" My voice was drowned out by the burst of wood as Edward kicked the door in at the word 'die'. My eyes were as round as saucers as I screamed in humiliation.
My stomach lurched and the final bout of gut-emptying was upon me and I was powerless to stop it. I knew I was the color of a freaking tomato as I held eye contact with Edward the whole time. His look was perplexed, like he was thrown into a no-win situation and he didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I wanted to head for the hills and never look back.
"What's going on in here? Oh shit!" Emmett was standing behind Edward and made a show of pinching his nostrils together. "What the fuck did you EAT?"
I grabbed the shower curtain and tried to hide my body behind it as one last farewell toot sounded off. Much to my insurmountable humiliation, the shower curtain was clear. There was no doubt about it; I was going to just… spontaneously combust. The only thing I'd leave behind was the mass amounts of ass sewage in Edward's perfect bathroom. My boyfriend looked like a fucking deer caught in headlights. Go Bella! – You just had to shit on the best thing that ever happened to you!
"Oh my God, Bella!" Miss Ice-Queen-Rosalie just had to come up here didn't she? "Did you seriously just take a massive dookie in Edward's bathroom? Even when I was human I would have held it!"
My brain was fuzzy with complete and utter mortification. I could barely think, let alone answer her question. It was obvious. Emmett reached over and shut the water off that had been running the whole time and Rose flipped off the fan. It was ridiculously quiet now. Here I sat, shitty Bella, wrapped in a useless clear shower curtain, my pants around my ankles, and a pile of crap floating in the murky water beneath me.
"What was all that racket? Are you taking up the wind instruments, Edward, dear? OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT STENCH!" Esme cut off her breathing at once and looked at me with a raised brow. "Bella, did you shoo-shoo?"
Little tiny Alice flitted into the room, a bottle of air freshener in her hand. "Sorry, Bella, Jasper distracted me this afternoon so I forgot to warn you not to eat anything with the boysenberry syrup. It isn't agreeable with your stomach."
Alice was so nonchalant as she sprayed the flowery mist around the room in copious amounts. "See, Bella, now your poo smells like roses."
I am going to die. My stomach rumbled a bit and a loud burp erupted from my throat against my will. "Apparently she's having issues from both ends," Rosalie smirked and I cringed.
"Come on, guys," Jasper appeared in the over-crowded doorway. "She's really embarrassed. It's making me uncomfortable. Not to mention I'm all confused because all of you are highly amused on top of it all. Except for Edward, he doesn't know what to do."
I looked up at Edward and saw that his face was now a stoic mask. He'd never want me now. I'm a shitty girlfriend. I was distracted by the site of Carlisle in my peripheral vision. "Here, Bella," he walked towards me and handed me a medicine cup full of pink froth.
I reached around the shower curtain and took the Pepto Bismal and tried not to cry, though I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream and curse the Fates for ever putting me in this predicament. I had never once wished all the Cullens were human, but now was a different story. At least then they could sympathize with me. It was hard enough to decide to take a crap at the Cullens house; surely it didn't have to end up with all of them in the bathroom with me.
This was a defining moment. I could die, or I could hold my head high. I might have been able to handle it if this had been a normal shit, but no, it was not. My first poo at the Cullen house just had to be the worst one I'd ever taken. I had yet to respond to any one of them, as I was frozen in fear. The fact that Edward had a photographic memory was not lost on me. He would forever remember every little detail about this situation. It would not be forgotten.
I noticed then that Edward was looking at my panties that were bunched around my ankles along with my pants. I took a little glance and saw the streak that was glaring at me, at Edward. Keep the humiliation coming! I haven't had enough! Apparently, in my desperate attempt at keeping the blast at bay, I had sharted in my knickers. The soft pink cotton was the perfect complimentary color to highlight the putrid brown line I had left behind.
"You missed a spot," Edward finally spoke in a quiet monotone.
"Come on, folks; shows over. Let's leave Bella to her self. She's had enough ogling for one day." Carlisle ushered the Cullens away from the bathroom, leaving Edward behind.
What to do? I was stuck in a crazy time warp, filled with shit and unrequited humiliation.
"Let me help you," Edward walked over towards and my body tensed. His hand reached out and grasped the silver handle on the back of the commode and pressed down, flushing away my epic shoo-shoo. Or so I thought…
The cool water hit my ass and I squealed like a pig, jumping up off the seat and dropping the Pepto I had yet to take. Edward's nostrils were flared and his mouth was open, the corners of his lips turned down in a grimace. With blinding speed, Edward jumped and was crouching on top of the vanity, watching as the water rose, splashing onto the floor. I tried to run; I tried to get away, but with my equilibrium issues and the fact that my pants were constricting my ankles… I fell. In an adrenaline induced haze, I did a tuck-and-roll maneuver and ended up in the tub, trying to get away from the mudslide.
"I'll clean it up, Bella; don't worry about it." Edward was trying desperately to mask his disgust.
"It's all my fault!" I cried out, finally finding my voice. I stood up in the tub and looked down, fighting the urge to get sick as I left an epic Hershey squirt against the white epoxy.
"Are you going to wipe your derriere?" Edward quirked an eyebrow while craning his neck to look at my little 'accident'.
I covered my face and Edward shut the shower curtain, turning on the water. I went rigid at the cool blast against my heated skin but took it like a woman scorned. After all, I did just take a gnarly poop in his bathroom and he was cleaning it up for me. He's the one who pushed down the flusher.
I ignored Edward and stripped off my clothes, hanging them over the towel bar. I assumed the position-o-shame. I bent over and grabbed my ankles, turning my bum towards the shower head. It was bad enough that I hadn't wiped first (which was not my fault). His washcloths were white. There was no way in hell that I would risk attacking it with a rag without a thorough rinse first. I sighed and looked over only to see Edward's face pressed against the clear shower curtain.
"There's no coming back from this is there?" I asked, my legs aching from the position I was in.
"I can get over it, it might take some time, but I can. And you are never eating at IHOP again. At least not with me." Aww, Edward, you're so fucking sensitive.
"Does this make you want to speed up the turning-Bella-into-a-vampire process?" If anything was my ally, it was this.
"Don't use this crap against me, Bella. It's never been like this before."
Oh-em-gee! "What do you mean, Edward?"
Edward rolled his eyes and sighed. "Bella, love, I can smell things from miles away. Do you not think I can smell what's down the hall and through a thin door at Charlie's?"
"Just kill me now." I groaned.
Edward pursed his lips and sighed, "Don't be so melodramatic, Bella. It's a perfectly normal human thing when you aren't conscious of your eating habits. I've never even seen a fat kid inhale as much food in such little time as you did this afternoon."
Oh I wanted to hit him! Too bad my hands were wrapped around my ankles. "Need I remind you that you encouraged me to get whatever I wanted?"
Edward chuckled much to my chagrin. "I thought you might have had some statute of limitations with the amount of food which you indulge. You ate too many hotcakes, and you've suffered the consequences. Now, I'm going to go have Alice bring up some fresh clothes for you. It's safe to soap up now, your bottom is starting to pucker."
I growled a bit as Edward grabbed my soiled clothes gingerly and flew out of the room at jet-like speeds. I didn't even notice Alice bringing in clean clothes, but they were sitting on the vanity when I stepped out of the shower freshly washed. I got dressed and made my way through the busted up doorway. I took a deep breath to calm myself as I walked down the two flights of stairs to where every one of the Cullens, Edward included, were imitating the sounds that emanated from my being.
I blushed like a madwoman when Emmett reenacted the butt trumpet that caused all of this discord in the first place. "Rrrrrriiiippp! That shit rivaled the drop on Hiroshima!"
I'd had enough. I huffed indignantly and walked over to Emmett, smacking his hard, cold chest. "Piss off, Tito."
He just smiled at me and raised an eyebrow. "Don't you mean 'shit off', young Bella?"
Yes, ladies and gentlemen; this was officially the worst day of my existence.
E/N: Poor Bella, but it was much fun.