About three things I was absolutely positive.
First, Edward was gone and had no intention of coming back.
Second, it had been 8 months, 11 days and 4 hours since I last saw his face.
And third I was devastated and unconditionally heartbroken.
For the first time in weeks the sun was shining in Forks. I was excited about the prospect of visiting Jacob; it had been days since we last hung out. The hole that constantly plagued my chest was shrinking smaller and smaller as the days passed. Every day was easier, I could smile without feeling guilty for pretending to now but every so often a memory or a vision of his perfect face would stun me into shock making the progress of the past 8 months disappear. I convinced myself that I would get over him, that I was over him. I would be able to live my life as I had before I met him, but deep down I knew I was broken and nothing could change that.
As I drove down to La push I couldn't help but smile at the thought of seeing Jacob, my Jacob. In so many aspects he was mine, my best friend, my companion, my sunshine in the darkest days. He made it obvious that if he could have his way I would be more than his best friend. I saw it in the way he looked into my eyes; in the smiles he saved only for me that he loved me. He had never admitted to me how he felt; he had too much respect for me and my broken heart to change the way we were together.
"Bella" I jumped at the sound of Jacobs voice bringing me out of my thoughts.
Damn my noisy truck, I could never make a quiet entrance. I finished parking my truck and carefully stepped onto the ground.
"Why haven't you been to see me since Saturday, I've missed you" he pulled that adorable puppy dog face he so often did to get sympathy.
"Oh be quiet Jake, I do have other things to do other than see your ugly mug."
"Bella I'm hurt" Jacob clutched his chest in a mocking way; he never failed to make me laugh.
We walked side by side into Jacobs's house; as usual Billy was at the Clearwater's. Ever since Harry's death he and Charlie seemed to spend most of their time there helping out as much as they could.
I loved Jacobs's house, it had become my second home, it felt like my real home.
"Help yourself to a drink Bell's; you know where the fridge is" Jacob throw his heavy load onto the sofa.
I sighed, always the host was Jacob.
"There's a bonfire party at the beach tonight, fancy coming?"
"There's another one? What you all celebrating this time Jake?" Bonfire party's seemed to be a weekly event with the pack.
"Life Bells don't need an excuse to have fun!" Jacob chuckled.
"I can't Jake, I have an essay to finish and I've delayed that long enough"
"You need to chill Bell's, one night not working isn't going to kill you ya know!"
I rolled my eyes; Jacob always found a way to convince me.
I spent most of the day just hanging out with Jake, talking about everything and nothing. Since the pack had hunted down and killed Victoria last month we had a lot of free time together. I decided to head home before the gathering to get changed and at least make the effort to look half decent. I never felt the need to dress up around Jake, I could wear my PJ'S around him and he wouldn't care. It was 7 o'clock and it was just starting to get dark when I pulled up near the beach. I could see everyone sitting and some standing around the bright camp fire. I was glad I was wearing my black hoodie over the blue strapped top I was wearing, the air was cold tonight. I slowly walked over to my friends and was greeted by Jacob and Emily.
"Bella, I'm so glad you decided to come. I need someone who's sane around here, the guys are defiantly on a high tonight" Emily laughed as she hugged me.
I looked towards Jacob who was staring at me; he smiled and grabbed my hand.
"Why do you take so long to get ready Bella, I missed you?" He laughed in a jokey way but his eyes were serious.
"Jake I was gone two hours, if you missed me after that short space of time then you seriously need to get more of an active social life" I poked my tongue out and ruffled his hair. The truth was in the two hours I was apart from Jacob today it felt like days, I always missed Jake when I wasn't with him.
The party was in full swing by the time I sat down, most of the pack were drinking beers and laughing loudly at Quill's stupid jokes. I hated to admit it but I was having fun, Emily was always good company and every now and then Jake would randomly come and put his arm around me making me go all warm inside.
"Bella, can we go for a walk?" he looked deep into my eyes.
"Sure" I looked at him puzzled.
We walked quite a way from the rest of the group and sat down at our usual spot, mine and Jakes tree.
"Bella I really need to talk to you, I guess I've kind of been avoiding doing this for ages but it's been 8 months and its killing me Bells. You have no idea what it's like for me" Jacob looked at his feet and sighed.
Oh god, he can't be, please say he isn't going to say what I think he's trying to say. I stared at him and bit my lip, after what seemed like hours Jacob looked up at me and stared into my eyes.
"I love you Bella, you have no idea how much I love you." His eyes burned into mine.
I couldn't talk, I couldn't breathe.
Of course I knew that Jacob loved me but I had been dreading this day for months. His intense stare was making me uncomfortable; I turned my head and looked out at the ocean. What was I going to do? Did I feel the same way? I mean I loved Jacob yes, I knew that I couldn't live without him anymore but was I in love with him? Did I love him the way I had loved Ed...Before? My thoughts were interrupted by a warm hand grabbing my own clutched one.
"Please say something Bella!"
Say something? How could I say something when I had no idea what the truth was anymore? Jacob clenched my hand tighter "Look I know that Edward really messed you up Bells but I'm not him, I could never leave you. Even if you hated me and didn't want me in your life anymore it's impossible for me to stay away from you Bella, can't you see that?" I could hear the desperation in Jacobs's words. It took all of my courage to turn and face him. His face, his eyes were so serious.
"Jake I...I don't know what I feel anymore. You have to understand how hard it is for me." I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. He continued to stare at me, never changing his expression, waiting patiently for me to continue.
"When I was with Ed...Edward I thought that I had met my soul mate; and that we were destined to be together. Everything was perfect, god I even planned on giving up my life for him Jake! I would have left all the people I loved behind just to be with him. As soon as I saw him he became my existence, the reason I was alive. He...he's broke my heart Jake, broke it. I can't even go a day without thinking about him at some point."
The tears poured freely down my cheeks now. Jacob just stared at me and softly wiped the tears away with his thumb.
"I love you Jake I really do but I'm not sure if that's enough, I'm not sure if I can ever fully give you my heart. I think somewhere deep inside I'll always be waiting for Edward to return and make me whole again. I really wish I didn't feel this way Jake and I'm trying to pull myself together I really am, I get better and better each day but I'm not complete yet. I'm not the same anymore." I let the tears flow freely and sobbed.
Jacob sighed "I hate him for doing this to you Bella; I really do" he pulled me towards his chest and hugged me, the warmth from his body made me calmer.
I didn't deserve him, I didn't deserve his love.
I looked up and stared into his eyes. I knew I loved him, I knew if I tried harder I could heal. I knew more than anything that I didn't want to lose Jacob, I couldn't lose Jacob. He was my everything now. Edward was gone and I needed to move on with my life. Before I had time to comprehend my actions I was moving my face up towards Jacobs, he looked at me with such love in his eyes. What if I was meant to be with Jacob? What if I could be complete with him? I leaned closer and before I had time to catch my breath our lips were touching.