Okay, so this is my first fanfic and I am very excited about writing. It is a collection of a tonne of really stupid, pointless, crazy and funny ideas. I really hope that you enjoy it even though it is the first story I have written. Enjoy!


Bella's POV:

"Bella are you almost ready?" Edward called as I was tying the last knot, on the pair of high heeled shoes, I was wearing.

"Yes, Can you call Alice I'm having a bit of trouble trying to put these on."

His entire family, besides Emmett, was all ready here. I felt a bit self conscious. I could hear Rosalie mumbling, clearly annoyed at my forever slow human pace.

"No need Bella, I'm already here." Alice said in her high pitched, tinkly little voice.

"Geez Bella, you are completely hopeless."


"YAY!!! I'm so excited. We haven't been out in ages. Did Emmett say he was going to come or not?"

"No apparently he's going to Charlie's house to watch they game." I said. No one was really concerned about the relationship, between my father and my soon to be older brother.

Edward groaned, as if he was in some sort of pain.

"Bella". God I hate that whining.

"Edward. Cut that out! I have never heard you whine so much in your entire existence!" Edward was really starting to get on my nerves.

"You haven't been there for my entire existence, so how would you know?"

"Edward Cullen! You are not to talk to a lady like that. And I have known you your entire existence, and quite frankly you are at your peak of annoyingness." Carlisle Edward's extremely good looking "father" was clearly just as peeved off as the rest of us

" Thats not even a wo-" Carlisles look, clearly stopped Edward in his tracks.

"Yes Dad. Can everyone get into the car?". You could tell he was trying to behave himself, though you could still hear the whining.

"Yay" Alice said once again, and with that, we all quickly loaded into Edward's Volvo and headed towards the Cabaret venue.

"YAY!" Alice squealed as she jumped out of the car.

We all piled out of the car and entered the venue.

The room was dark and smoky, and the walls were covered in a vivid red silk.

We took a seat in one of the booths, and one of the waitresses came over to take our order. She took one look at my family and I swear, I saw her begin to drool.

"What can I get you?" She asked in an extremely over the top charming voice, which seemed to have a double meaning, directly pointed toward Jasper, Carlisle and my Fiancé, Edward

" ummm… I think we will have 7 cokes." Replied Edward a n utterly bored voice.

"NOOOOO!!! I want a cosmo. I want a cosmo. I want a cosmo. I want a cosmo. I want a cosmo. I want a cosmo. I want a cosmo. I want a co…"

"Shut up Alice!" We all yelled at once getting a few sideward glances from other couples and tables. No one could quite understand the obsessive behavior, Alice always had toward her props.

"Take off one of those cokes please, and add a cosmo." Edward was clearly, still upset about coming here with me and his family. I don't why he has been acting so weird. He was the one complaining about being home all the time.

" Okay, coming right up." Just as she left, the rest of the very little lighting in the room started to dim.

We then heard an annoying female voice came over the microphone. "Everybody get ready. Let the show begin."

The heavy red curtains began to open and we saw the silhouettes of slender figures of the women who were about to perform. Edward buried his face in his hands, and a moan, ever so slightly, left his lips.

I looked at him questionly, but he just shook his head

The lights lit up the stage and the music was blaring. The girls began to spread and this tall, bulky and rather masculine figure appeared in the middle of the stage.

As he turned around we saw him in all his glory and suddenly the room erupted with the laughter from our table.

There in the middle of the stage was Emmett wearing a pair of black fishnet tights and a red corset along with a face caked in make up. He looked at us, and his face was masked with horror.

So this was where Emmett disappeared to every Friday night. It was like some really scary scene from the movie "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". I could imagine him now as Frankenfurter, and I couldn't help laughing hysterically, to a point where I finally fell off my chair.

Edwards POV:

Finally everyone knew why I had been so annoyed about all day. Emmett.

I had heard his thoughts earlier this week, and was not looking forward to right now.

Nothing could make things worse.

The girl at the back, corner table was getting on my nerves. Her lustful thoughts seemed to bring her deeper into her extremely dirty imagination.

To make it even more disgusting, she pictured my, somewhat favorite brother in other movie costumes, Costumes that shouldn't even exist.

Honestly humans amazed me, how they could possibly find pleasure, in something as disturbing as this.

Oh God what are they doing here!

Emmett seemed really excited before he realized, he was going to perform in front of us.

"Edward why didn't you tell us that he would be HERE tonight?" Rosalie clearly figured out why I was so glum. To be honest I think she was really peeved.

I can't believe he would embarrass me like this. Looks like Emmett won't be getting any for a while, that's a plus.

Truthfully I had known about why he would do this for a while, but I promised to keep it

a secret.

"Hey, don't blame me. I'm not he one who refuses to touch him. No wonder he

has become a bisexual." With that, I received a death glare that honestly could have


Crap! I did not, just say that out loud.



Crap. Edward what did you say to her. Emmett thought.

Everyone stared at our table once again. There was a few minutes silence, none of the

Family was breathing, and I could tell Bella was scared and I could tell why. Rosalie

actually looked like a Vampire.

I shot a pleading look at Jasper, and thankfully he calmed her down.

God she is pissed. I Can't believe he had just got a clue! Honestly how stupid could one

person or Vampire be!!

That's when the Music Started.

Alice POV:

Emmett instantly picked up the microphone and began to sing. This was classic. I can't

believe I hadn't had a vision of this happening!

Everyone was giving each other the same dumb found look - except for Rose who

seemed quite relaxed thanks to my Husband- until Jazzy pulled out his phone and began

to record the monstrosity in which I called my brother.

Then a really scary thing happened. Emmett entered the area where everyone was sitting,

and enjoying their night. He was singing to each of the tables.

" Jasper! What do we do?! Emmett will kill us all now that we know his secret. What is

his emotional climate at the moment?" My panic clearly not hidden in any of the

words, I had just spoken.

"Well actually, he is feeling quite horny." Huh? That never really surprised me, Em was

always horny, but in the circumstances…

"Tell me something I don't know Jasper. Edward what is he thinking?"

"He wants to rip us limb from limb then give our parts to organ donors or send

our cold lifeless bodies to a university to be used as cadavers." Edward said in a very

matter of factly way, still clearly upset. What was his problem?

"Does he even know what a cadaver is?" asked a curious Bella from across the table.

"He thought it was like Frankenstein, and the university students just make the bodies

That way. Seriously, only Emmett would be stupid enough to think that"

"He's about 80 and he still has the mind of a three year old. Even now, in his head all he

is singing is Yankee Doodle". All of us were laughing hysterically again.

Edwards POV:

Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on his pony, stuck a feather in his hat, and caught a

Macaroni. God he is soooo original.

Honestly he is in one of the most, embarrassing of circumstances and all he can think about is that song.

I think Carlisle was right, he was dropped on his head a lot when he was a baby.

I was beginning to enjoy myself. I could see why people would find this funny, but Rose

was going to be a problem. How could we help the unpreventable?

Em and I were in deeps, But hey, at least we get a few laughs out of it.

I wonder if he knows, I had kicked up a fuss to try to avoid this?

I tried to get deeper into his thoughts, though he still seemed to be singing that stupid


He was edging closer and closer, then he let his thoughts slip.

Crap! Oh god no! This was going to get a lot worse.

Emmett's POV:

This was going to be an extra special treat for little Eddy.

Yeah this will teach him.

I had told him to keep this a secret, yet he brings the whole family to show what I have become. Well this is certainly a night no one will ever forget.

I walked straight up to their table. Edward looked mortified, as he should.

Carlisle, Esme, Jasper and Alice all stifled laughs, and Rose looked calmed – Probably Jaspers doing- and so hot like you couldn't believe… Focus Emmett you can do this.

I looked across to Bell's, and she was watching Edwards face, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

She didn't have to wait long, all her questions and fears, will soon be answered.

I was right in front of them. Edward suddenly began to look at all the exit's but I just shook my head and smirked.

There was no way out of this one and he knew it. I almost feel sympathy him, but in another sense he brought it upon himself.

I got onto the table and then the real torture began.

Edwards POV:

Ha-ha this will teach you! Oh god this is going to be hell on earth, not only for me but the entire family.

I grabbed Bella's hand and searched for an exit. Ha-ha there are none, your stuck!.


Alice suddenly gasped and we all looked directly at her. No way! This was going to be worse than I thought.

This wasn't just for the family after all... It was just for me!

Alice came back to the present with an appalled look on her face, but before any of the others had a chance to ask, Emmett was on the table and began.

Bella's POV:

I couldn't understand why Edward was so grouchy. So what Em is a Bi- sexual, could I really care less?

*gasp*. I instinctively turned to look across the table, but by the time I did Alice had finished her vision. She no longer wore her smiley, and pixie like face, instead she wore a mask of pure horror.

Before I could ask he was on the table. What was he going to do!

He was on the table and I had no idea what the hell he was doing, but it wasn't going to be great.

That's when he started.

He bent over and caught the bottom of his high heel shoes. He gracefully took them both of, and the whole room erupted in howling, with our table silent, and no one but me was breathing.

He then went to his Corset, and successfully ripped it off in one go. I could not believe he would do this to his own family!!!

He went to the top of his tights, and slowly he began to roll them down. God there was no going back now.

Yeah, there was no going back because it was almost over.

Emmett was standing there, in nothing but a Hot pink, frilly lingerie like thong with the entire family just looking.

Edward fidgeted uncomfortably beside me, and I could tell he was hearing disturbing thoughts from our family

That's when he really got started.

He moved toward Edward and began to give him a lap dance!!!

This wasn't for the family after all.

Edward looked humiliated, and looked away the whole time. I could understand why too, not only was he a guy, but that was his freakin brother, moving his crouch in his face!

Then he finally, got of the table and began to sing again.

He walked toward the Stage and then finished his song.

With a bow, the room erupted with howling, laughter and profanities, from everywhere but our table. He bowed again and roses were flung at him and finally the curtain closed.

All you could hear from my table was #$%!&^%

" Edward mind your manners". That took a lot of effort to get out, and you could hear the strain, in poor Esme's voice.

Then Emmett appeared wearing a robe made out of sheer lace.

"How was that Eddy Boy?" Emmett said in a voice that was droopy, and apparently supposed to be sexy.

"ARGH!" Edward screamed as he left the building. You could, then hear two laughs. A deep booming one which was clearly Emmett, and a little pixy like one which was Alice.

We all got out of our seats and went to go find Edward.

He was outside sitting on the bonnet of the car with his face in his hands. He was embarrassed beyond what anyone has ever felt before.

Emmett was the first to reach him. Everyone let out a groan as they saw him sit on Edwards lap.

"Aww! Little Eddy Weddys sad. I think you could use a lap dance."

All I saw was something streaking past me and down the street. Edward.

He stopped, turned around and blew me a kiss then he disappeared into the night.

Emmett was on the floor laughing, along with everyone else.

This was a day no one would ever forget


That was the first chapter!!! There are plenty more of those stupid ideas so continue reading. Remember to REVIEW...please.

Xoxo Ebb and Mic