A young, pale Gothic woman paced around her room. Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong. She thought she'd finally succeeded in infiltrating and taking over all fandom with her army of Sues, but that Ghost Writer had interfered with her chances of taking the Danny Phantom fandom. It was too ironic. After her clever plan of writing My Immortal and using the fic to launch a series of Mary Sue copycats, it'd seemed as if everything was going well. Until that one fandom…
The woman paused beside her computer, and an evil smirk played across her face. It was time for reinforcements.
Jazz and Ember were trapped in a room after vanishing from the room and landing in an unexplained ghost-proof room. Ember growled, unable to phase through the walls. "How is this even possible?" the ghost complained.
Jazz shrugged when she noticed The Soopr Gost Gurl sitting beside her. She flipped it open and noticed most of the pages were blank, except for the middle, which was written in purple gel pen. "What happened to the book? It was full…"
"That's not the same book," replied Ember, peering over Jazz's shoulder. "See the cover?"
Jazz turned the pink book over and read the title. Eh Joostice leeg of tehh Soopr gost girls- un croosovr.
"Do you think it will explain what's going on?" Jazz asked.
"Maybe," Ember replied, and the two girls sat down to read.
Hai11! Mi name is kawaiicherry10luvsedward y I am tehh bestest righter ever wif me best friend smexyphantom!111 tis is un crossover so I know you luves it1111!
My cariiter is name Doctor ravenetta an she is amazing1!111111 o pero did I menshum I sumtim sep in spanes y frenc cuxi no sooooooooooooooo man langages! So yeah111111 heres me story.1111
Ember and Jazz exchanged a worried glance with each other. "This is going to be very bad," Jazz muttered.
Doctor ravenetta was tehh mas doccter in the mundo wold she was soooooo smart tat she didn wvn have to go to collage111 (shes smarttt just lik me hero SmexyPhantom! Long lived smexy111 she is un goddesss of all goo rittters111111111)
"What's a goo ritter?" asked Tucker as he walked through the wall.
"How did you do that?" Jazz asked.
Tucker frowned. "I don't know; I didn't see that wall there. I just walked in…"
Tucker pressed his hands against the wall. "I'm trapped!"
"So are we," muttered Jazz.
"Reading the story?"
"A crossover," replied Jazz.
"Well, there's nothing better to do."
Dr ravenetta is very hot pollo11111! She has wings y lived in Japan and is carpe diem and unazmons y she has bin in ever fandooom
"Fandoom? That's good," said Tucker. "We should start calling horrible fandoms 'fandoom'."
"Are you trying to start an internet meme?" Jazz asked with a roll of her eyes.
"Yes. Why not? It's a great idea!"
"And why do you hang out with him?" muttered Ember.
"Hey, I'm cool!" Tucker protested, crossing his arms.
"Yeah, right," said Jazz. "You spend all your time chatting with girls on Gaia, pretending to be a hot, teenage supermodel."
"I do not! I only do that four times a week!"
Jazz and Ember exchanged a glance, and the latter resumed reading.
Any revenette was best boods wif Isabella an wen tey wore boried they desided to sare danny1111 (ka I no wants you alls a finking! Tat I cannnt do a senne betterer than me hero but I willl trieddd11111 Je suis un idiot stupide et dois être fermé à clef vers le haut dans un asylum.11111! wetuyt is teeehh sine!111
"I bet she used Babelfish for that French," muttered Tucker.
"Actually…" said Ember, "I don't think she did. I'm pretty sure she just said 'I'm a stupid idiot and need to be put in an asylum."
"You speak French?" asked Jazz.
Ember shrugged. "I needed to sing one of my songs in French for a concert in Canada."
N her we oneb1! Repootroie111
As it was, Smexy had nothing on that writer. She wrote a scene so horrible that Tucker nearly went into a seizure halfway through the passage. Jazz bravely read through it, and when it was finished even Ember looked very disturbed. "Dear heavens!" Tucker gasped, "And I thought SmexyPhantom was bad! This writer…"
"Do not call her a writer," Jazz demanded. "This is…ugh!"
"Maybe we should stop," said Tucker.
"No, I'm disgusted. Aren't you?"
Ember didn't answer. Jazz sighed. "No, I mean, this is the only clue we have. Maybe there's something in it. We have to read it."
Taking deep breaths, Jazz tentatively continued reading.
Ate the soopr hott sexi ravenisha an isablll had som plum wif danna
"Plum?" Tucker asked. "Is that what they're calling it these days?"
Jazz and Ember rolled there eyes. "La-ame," Ember said.
Tey dsiisded to cumpo sum luv potty to danne 9i is noo gooded at writtening poeti so I asded smexy-my edol 2 help me cuz sh kin ritted it an wes gonni do I in spanissh 1 of ttteh romanshic langwuges1111
"That's stupid," said Ember. "French is a romantic language, too, and Raven…or whatever her name is speaks it, so why does she need Smexy?"
"Quite frankly, I'm just astonished that she knows what a romantic language is," Jazz said. "Well, here we go."
Dannneh es el bestioso guy in the moooondo!
An I lubs him sooooo muc es moi espantoso!
Mi ama mi ama mi ama mama mia!
Es soooo mass cunados tenn mi tia!
Porque empiaza nadar
Me gustaga cuando ell vola en
Tehh azula seeloe
Tucker muttered something under his breath, and Jazz paused in her reading. "What did you say?" she asked.
"¿Por que no te callas, Smexy? It's Spanish for 'Why don't you just shut-up'."
"You speak Spanish?" Jazz asked.
Tucker shrugged. "No, it's an internet meme in the Spanish community."
Me amooou danny
El es moi hermosoe y viajhay
Me yomo es isabella y
Teeinay bwanea swartay
Porkay tayngoe denni
"This is just painful," muttered Jazz.
Ember nodded in agreement. "And I can't even understand what she's saying."
"I can run it through Babelfish," Tucker offered.
"It'd probably blow up," muttered Jazz.
"I'm gonna try anyway," he said.
"It won't work," Jazz said.
"Seriously? What does it say?"
Tucker frowned. "Well…"
Dannneh is the guy in the moooondo bestioso!
An I lubs him is sooooo muc moi terrible!
My love my love my love mama mia !
Tenn brothers mass is soooo my aunt!
Because swimming empiaza
Ell me when flown in gustaga
Azula tehh seeloe
I amooou danny
He is moi and viajhay hermosoe
It is isabella and Yomo
Bwanea Teeinay swartay
Tayngoe Porkay denni
Ember rolled her eyes. "The only thing I want to learn to say is that SmexyPhantom needs to be shot."
"Sorry," said Tucker. "My Spanish isn't that good."
"Well, but maybe we've learned something," said Jazz. "This is a huge Sue crossover, so Smexy and this…Raven girl must be from the same universe."
"So?" Ember asked.
"So…maybe if we rewrite this, it'll get us out of here."
"But we don't have anything to write with," Tucker pointed out.
Jazz sighed. "I know, but maybe there's something in that…well, never mind. I suppose we just need to keep reading."
The Gothic woman marched before an army of incredibly beautiful women. "Attention!" she yelled in her gorgeous, musical voice.
Her two generals stood before her. The first Sue was named Mary Sue Victoria Star-Dust Rose Jasmine Sakura-Kawaii-Desu Lavender Athena Lollipop Evette Heart-String Oprah Winfrey Rainbow Fairy-Wing Tiger-Lily Chuck Norris III. The Sue was thin with curves in all the rights places and a voice that made even the holiest of priests fall into fits of lust. Unlike most Sues, her eyes were a solid color—a deep amethyst, but her hair was multicolored, shifting in the sunlight. She was also very unique, being a vampire, werewolf, fairy, and mermaid. Of course, having so much power was a terrible burden. "What is it?" the Sue (who for the sake of the readers shall simply be dubbed Mary) asked, and her heavenly voice rang like a chorus of heavenly angels in heaven.
"There is a fandom rebelling," the Gothic woman replied, "And this is a problem. Obviously. I'm sending the three of you in to fight in a giant crossover to seduce all the males in this fandom. Understand?"
"But how?" asked the second Sue.
The second Sue was named Isabella Andraste Valiant Morgana Le Fay (also known as Christiana Samaenthea Lelithil Draco—Faerieana). Her hair went all the way to the floor but was as light as a feather. It was also multi-colored brown. Her eyes were bright orange because she was the greatest firebender from the Avatar fandom. She also had a track record of seducing most of the male cast-including Aang (after Katara turned evil and tried to kill them all, after which Aang shed a single tear), Zukko (after Mai committed suicide by jumping off a bridge), Iroh (but he was killed because he was a pervert), Sokka (after Suki decided she was a lesbian and fell in love with Ty Lee; then, they both died because the author was a homophobe). She also seduced the Fire Lord (well, he tried to seduce her, but Aangy-poo killed him). It was so hard having so many men want her.
The Gothic woman shrugged her elegant shoulders. "I don't know. Join in the crossover. Take your own lovers with you if you wish."
The two Sues smiled. "To the crossover!"
kkkk. I is gonna lit me freend mrsaang do tiis pate!
Jazz raised an eyebrow. "Maybe this author will be better," Tucker said.
Isabella valiant mogana le fayawery6tu7i8olkyjhtil uiu7ythjk srrrryyy 1111 isabbllla is my carries nammm u copeeeer!11111111 awettr ewygi ih
"And maybe I'll choke to death on a flying alligator," Ember said, deadpan. "You know what I don't get? Why they don't edit this."
Jazz shrugged. "It sounds like Smexy's mad, though, about another character named Isabella."
"Why do you think that?" asked Tucker.
I hoped u goooo to heannn cusz u s hinking SLOOOTF!11 an y do tuu go die cuz u stoleded mi ORAGENAAAL name u BRITCH! N porque no taay nosht noah! No tuggen! A I hops a cat eets u n tehh stain etts tehh kat! Oabetryuyjuyhgf uotrn yttue hutrwae ou86679n 578 jgf eyu t7i
kk., I am going to call my character Morgana, so I don't have to fight with Smexy over this. We're working on this crossover together, and I am mature and want to avoid conflict.
"It's a coherent sentence!" gasped Tucker. "I knew that we'd seen so many bad authors there had to be a good one somewhere!"
Jazz looked doubtful.
The beautiful Morgana leaned her head against her Aangy-poo's shoulder. A messenger dude came and said, "Morgana, we have discovered you are Aang's half-sister."
Morgana cried a single tear. "Lies!"
Then, she angsted. Angst, angst, angst, angst, angst, angst, angst, angst, angst, angst, angst, angst, angst, angst. "Hey, Morgana," said Aang. "It's okay if you're my half-sister. We can still…you know."
Jazz looked horrified. Ember was struggling to maintain her composure. "At least the writing is better," Tucker said, his voice sounding strangled.
"Let's go be passionate and make-out!" declared Morgana.
And they made out passionately. Morgana's tongue was soft like a feather and wet like the ocean. Aang stroked her hair. Her hair was gold like gold and soft like silk. Her eyes were blue-green-red like a peacock. Her hands were delicate like china. Her fingers were long like spiders. Her eyelashes were black clouds of feathers. Her lips were ripe cherries. Her ears were delicate wings. Her eyebrows were delicate and sculpted. Her arms were lilies. Her nose was a white dove. Her waist was petite. Her feet were velvet. Her legs were a work of art. She was beautiful. Her body was sculpted by the gods, goddesses, spirits, demigods, and spirits.
"Dear heavens, that's a long description!" Jazz exclaimed.
"Not to mention ridiculous," Tucker said. "Fingers like spiders? How is that a good thing?"
"Her nose is a white dove?" Ember asked. "It sounds like it's about to fly off her face."
Jazz snorted in amusement. Her amusement was short-lived for then came a scene, a scene that was even worse because she could actually read everything it said. She stopped halfway through. "He…he…they…I have no idea what airbending is, but…it's…oh…!"
Bravely, Ember took the book and read on.
Her bellybutton was small and round like a small pearl. Her skin was ivory like an alabaster statue or an ivory statue. She was warm like warmth. Aeryhtraey teeeres no nuff Isabella!111 ok. FINE!
When they were done, a girl named Isabella arrived, and she joined them.
"NO!" Jazz, Ember, and Tucker yelled.
Hee, Heee, not lik tat pervs!
They sighed in relief.
"oh we haf to protect me dannykins from tehh evilly smellantha!'
'kk!' sad morgan an anny-ppo.
"I have a bad feeling about this," said Tucker.
"Me, too," replied Jazz.
"Well, it's almost over," said Ember. "It's just the reviews."
Musiclover9419: wat do u mean! Corss I is 23!
"Hey, I just thought of something," said Tucker. "Did you notice how this story is dated a year after the first?"
"Yeah, so?" asked Jazz.
"Smexy resuming fanfic writing must be what brings about the end of the world in 2012."
Jazz rolled her eyes.
E-Dantes: thankies! U aree sooooooo nice! Sum PEPLE JUST DON'T GET HOW HARD IS IT TO RITE A GOOD STORY!11111
"Yeah, and you're one of them," said Ember.
Sciencefreak330: DANNY PHAN does NOT hatte me!
"I can assure you that he does," said Jazz.
The Discord: u is sooooo mean! Why wold u want me to di? Don't u no how many pepple wold be crushed if I died?
"I can't think of any," said Tucker. "How about you, Jazz?"
Hermystar: pppel do not kill theirselves after reading my stor!
"Only because I don't have a knife handy," grumbled Tucker.
PPGBelle4" wats syanide?
"Do you think she meant cyanide?" asked Tucker.
Ember shrugged. "I don't care anymore; I'm tired of her stupidity.
Torgo: yeees! I wanna go to target praktise with yu!
"I wonder if Smexy's the target," mused Jazz.
"If she is, I might just take up archery," replied Ember with a smirk.
Alexia Moonlight: I taked the mary soo test n I got ahhhh I only gotted 432!
"She got four-hundred, thirty-two on the Mary Sure test!" gasped Jazz. "If you get fifty, you're supposed to kill it!"
SOLmaster: I ill not quiet riting!
"But oh, how we wish you would," said Tucker.
E350: I is noo an idot!
"I officially diagnose SmexyPhantom as a compulsive liar," said Jazz.
Rainbowstrike: ur justi gelus cuz yo didn't think o this stor!
"Yeah, Smexy, I'm sure that's it," said Tucker.
Kagaminespice: I gradoooated from harverd!
"Harvard?" screeched Jazz. "Harvard? How dare she abuse the name of that noble university!"
DarkAngel555: no1 can rite more gooder than me!
Tucker edged away from Jazz as she started shaking.
Twinkie: donnt insult me I decided to take these comments because you made smexy cry because you are a mean jerk with nothing better to do than to insult hardworking authors oh and this is sooprsmexymansonlover
"Oh, hey, I forgot about him," said Tucker.
"Forget him!" yelled Ember. "Someone made SmexyPhantom cry! Yes!"
Nerd Lover: smexys well thought out and complex characters are not like Barbie
"Yeah," said Jazz. "I was thinking they were more like demons myself."
The Classic Platy: thank you I am glad to see someone appreciates good literature
"YOU DARE CALL THIS TRAVESTY LITERATURE!" Jazz yelled, pointing at the book. "BOOKWORM RAGE!"
"Jazz, whoa, calm down!" said Tucker. "Don't let Smexy get to you!"
Jazz took a few deep breaths, and Ember raised an eyebrow and continued.
AProcrastinatingWriter: kk tis is smexy mi frend mad me feel better but I cannnt red your comint becuz your speling is atoshus!
"And hers isn't?" asked Tucker.
Crazy-wolf: u is crazz my charries a rim-mortal!
"Oh, dear heavens," said Tucker. "If these Sues really are immortal, I'm just going to end it all now."
"Well, at least that chapter's over," said Jazz, "But nothing happened. I thought that maybe when we finished it, we'd…be able to leave or something."
"We're probably stuck until more of the story gets rewritten," said Tucker.
"Or until we finish," said Ember, sounding almost hesitant.
"Well," said Jazz. "I guess…chapter two of the crossover?"
Author's Note: Yes, I'm still alive, and I really have no excuse for the long wait. However, I do have two hacks (one of which is really old, but yes, I still have it) and the next two chapters written except for the review responses, and I'm sticking this out to the end. We are going to finish this story within the year.
You guys really owe this update to a couple people but mainly to the hack I received last week and a certain reader who hunted me down on DeviantArt and demanded to know why I hadn't updated. Said person also mentioned I now have my own TVTropes page, and if she went through all the work of setting it up, she wanted an update. So here's an update. Also, apparently, there are some people on Gaia that read this. Well, if you're still reading it, that shout-out was for you. Also, I think I may have confused some people. You write a review to whoever writes the story in the chapter. If the character's are reading Smexy's story, you can write reviews to her. If the characters are reading Vlad's story, you write reviews to him and so forth. This also means that chapter 12's reviews will be answered in another chapter, while I will cover chapter 11 here.
So the schedule? Next chapter is a hack. Then, we get to see what Vlad thinks about his reviews, followed by more Smexy and another hack!
Lizcandoitbetter: I'm glad to have amused you.
Random Person: Okay, okay! Here's your update!
Crazy-Wolf: Thank you! I'm very flattered, and yeah…I'm not big on ocs either. Now I have seen them done well—incredibly well, sometimes, but there are so many bad self-inserts, it's hard not to be skeptical sometimes.
Pikapika: Thank you!
Paladin Wolfe: Anyone can join B.A.G.S.! But…have you ever heard of My Immortal? It's an infamous Harry Potter fanfic and one of the worst ever written for grammar and spelling.
AProcrastinatingWriter: You know…I don't generally like the thought of killing people, but I do think having Dan escape from the Fenton Thermos and murdering Smexy would be quite satisfying…
The Classic Platy: Well, firstly, I'm glad you like the story. As for the Sues…well, I guess they came from a few places. Isabella was partially inspired by Bella Swann of Twilight and Arya of The Inheritance Cycle. I read both series and I realized that they were both—in their own ways—unrealistically perfect. They just had everything going for them. Incidentally, I also got into fanfiction at the same time, and fics about random girls gaining ghost powers and hooking up with Danny grew on me, and so Isabella and Elizabeth were born (though 'spawned' might be a better term).
Nerd Lover: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. The next ghost will probably be Dani Phantom, as she's going to appear in Smexy's story very soon.
Twinkie: Yes, the thought of people like Isabella and Elizabeth existing in real life is nothing short of horrifying…
DarkAngel555: Mercy me! If I'm causing you to choke on food, perhaps you should invest in some life insurance! But more seriously, thank you for the review. It's much appreciated.
Niece of the Prophet Zarquon: You're right. I can't have everyone becoming friends…though I imagine they're only united in their hatred of Smexy. They'll go back to fighting as soon as she's gone…unless there's a sequel…
Preemtive Karma: Yep! The Sues are going down!
Iliketacosxgirfan: What do you mean are there really Sues out there? That's absolutely ridiculous! Hey…what's that shadow behind me? OH MYaertyui7yvev
Kagaminespice: Ah! I love Silent Hill!
Rainbowstrike: Thank you! And really there's no limit on hacks. I post them when I get them. I currently have two that I need to post, but after that, nope.
E350: Thanks! Yeah, I'm not sure why, but writing those raps are my favorite part…
SOLmaster: Thanks! Yes, poor Danny. He's going to need so much therapy…
Torgo: You know; I honestly hadn't even considered having Lancer read this! That's a really great idea!
PPGBelle4: Thanks a bunch! Yes, poor Danny…
Alexia Moonlight: Firstly, I wanted to thank you for staying with this all the way from the beginning. Secondly, I wanted to say that yes, I really did take the Sue test and end up with that score for Isabella.
The Discord: Thanks, and don't worry; Xavier will definitely get his due.
Nut and Shell: I can honestly say that ending up in the same hospital as SmexyPhantom is my worst nightmare.
Sciencefreak330: lol. Thanks. Honestly, I like writing Xavier more because I can just imagine someone speaking in this monotone voice without taking a breath every time he writes.
E-Dantes: Thanks! ;)
Musiclover9419: Well, I can't write too much Smexy, or she'll kill my computer.
Jespbh: No prob.