Dear Phantomflower,

I've understood that this chapter has taken a long time to post. Thank you for eventually coming through.

There are several subjects yet to be covered. The Akatsuki's health policy has not been discussed in full as of yet. Perhaps you should write that section of the Handbook next to tie in to this chapter?

Supporters might want to know that there are several obscure references to your DeviantART work Whirlpools of Lightning. Naruto: The Last, the novels, the manga's epilogue, Naruto and the Scarlet Spring, and Boruto: The Movie were not out originally when you started working for us. The Akatsuki Employee Handbook, Whirlpools of Lightning, and related works verge into an alternative timeline.

Thank you for working with us.

Sincerely,

Obito Uchiha


Medical Procedures

By Kakuzu

Edited by Zetsu

Maintained by Karin

Comments from other Akatsuki members


Your health is one of your most important assets, one of the few things more important than money. If you are in poor health, you cannot make or manage money very well. This is especially true if you are a part of a ninja organization such as the Akatsuki. Not taking good care of yourself can lead to a strike in the heart, or an attack missing its mark by a large margin. The Akatsuki gives its employees a guide on taking care of the most common medical maladies for this reason.

Described herein are common medical practices that you may have to perform in the field on yourself, or on your partner. Only go through with the procedure if you or your partner has the condition described! There is also a section describing the regulations of our medical ninja and hospital wing. Read this chapter thoroughly.


Common Medical Herbs and Their Uses

Aconite – Also known as wolf's bane or monkshood. A three foot tall plant with violet or pale yellow petals, including one petal that resembles a helmet. Located on lower mountain slopes, and will grow well in both full sun and shade. It reduces fevers, eases pain, calms inflammation and high blood pressure, and may be used as a sedative. It is either applied as an ointment, or injected with a hypodermic needle.

Only take this as a last resort. Aconite is also well known as a potent poison. If you overdose, death will occur in two days. Pregnant and nursing Akatsuki employees are to avoid consuming it at all costs. Don't fool around with this plant! Carrying around regular cold medicine and aspirin is a lot safer.

Cinnamon – A tree with burgundy-colored leaves that can reach up to seventy five feet in height. Prefers semi-moist climates at low altitudes. It can also be found at several grocery stores as cinnamon sticks in the spices section. It helps treat the common cold, the flu, yeast infections, heartburn, and nausea. Is taken as an herbal tea or extract, and can be added to food.

Oil that comes from the cinnamon tree is irritating to the skin, so handle it carefully. It can also worsen bleeding.

Chocolate vine – A plant that grows thirty feet or more and whose leaves are divided into five leaflets. It occasionally grows large sausage-shaped fruit with a white interior. Found in forests located around mountains and streams, and as scrub in mountainous areas. Can be used as a diuretic, fever reducer, pain reliever, and as a contraceptive for women. The fruit, stem, and roots may all be consumed. The plant can be used internally and externally.

Common water-plantain – A one to three foot tall plant with three petals that can be either white or pale purple. Found in or around bodies of shallow water. It acts as a diuretic, brings down swelling and bruising, stops bleeding, and has antibacterial properties. Depending on what condition is being treated, its fresh leaves, powdered seeds, and root are all usable. It may promote fertility, so be careful if you are sexually active.

Garlic – A four foot tall plant with multiple white cloves making up a single bulb. Found in loose, well-drained soil in a sunny environment, or alternately, in the grocery store. Can help treat multiple ailments, including respiratory diseases, high cholesterol, burns, and parasites. It is also a cheap insect repellent.

To all members who have recently increased their consumption of garlic to receive health benefits, please cut back on how much you are consuming. Eating too much garlic leads to heartburn and bad gas. If someone lights a fire in Headquarters one more time with their flatulence, we will leave the Organization regardless of the consequences.

Heart-leaved houttuynia – A one to two foot tall herb with heart-shaped leaves. The flowers are white. It prefers moist areas such as wet woodlands, stream edges, roadsides, paddy field margins, and damp grassy places. It holds back viral and bacteria growth, coughing, inflammation, indigestion, and swelling. It can also be used on insect bites.

While members are free to harvest this herb on the field, it is banned at Headquarters because of its foul smell. Its odor has been compared to raw fish. Hidan, offering this plant to young women is not a good way to score a date despite its heart-shaped leaves. Dispose of or seal up your stock before we attempt to dispose of you.

Honeysuckle – An oval-leafed vine that grows thirty-three feet or more with yellow flowers. It grows on trees in forests, although it is a hardy plant and may crop up elsewhere. It relieves headaches, coughs, fevers, sore throat, and thirst.

Since Kakuzu's demise, the honeysuckle has been listed as an invasive species. Akatsuki personnel are not allowed to cultivate it. It easily kills other plants that it grows on.

Lavender – A small plant with violet flowers growing on a stalk. It grows well in warm grassy meadows. Can relieve anxiety, depression, insomnia, pain, burns, skin conditions, and insect infestations. It may be taken as either a tea or an oil that is massaged into the skin.

Liquorice – A spiky four foot tall shrub with lilac flowers. Located in sandy soil around streams in warm climates. It relieves coughing, colds, skin problems, digestive issues, and has anti-viral and anti-bacterial properties. The main part utilized in medicine is its roots.

Loquat – An oval yellow or orange fruit that grows on short trees. While some trees are bigger, it often reaches no more than ten to thirteen feet, and has dark green leaves. It grows in a mild or warm climate, and can also be purchased in grocery stores. It treats coughs,calms the stomach, heals skin conditions, and acts as a mild sedative. The fruit, leaves, and syrup derived from the fruit are the most frequently used parts. The leaves may be brewed into a tea.

Mint – A three inch to two foot herb with broad hairy leaves. It dwells in temperate areas with partial shade. It calms upset stomachs, breathing issues, fevers, pain, sore throats, nausea, infections, and inflammation. It can be taken as a tea or the leaves may be eaten raw or cooked.

Safflower – A yellow, red, or orange thistle-like flower that grows around one to three feet. It prefers sunny open areas with well-drained soil. It helps with bruising, treating open wounds, relieving abdominal pain, and treating skin conditions. The seeds, flower, and seed oil may be used in treatment.

Sage – A one foot high shrub with grayish-green leaves that possess rounded ends. It prefers dry temperate climates, but will grow in most area and can sometimes be found at grocery stores. It takes care of colds, fevers, sore throats, gingivitis, and sore gums. It acts as a great deodorizer, which makes it useful for infiltration missions. May be taken as a tea, an extract, with food, or more rarely, an oil.

Yarrow – A grayish-white flower with four to six petals that rarely has a pink tint. Found around banks, wasteland, on the sides of roads, and on dry fields. It halts bleeding, and disinfects wounds when ground into a poultice. Female Akatsuki employees may want to know that yarrow can slow bleeding at that time of the month when taken as a tea. Avoid if you are pregnant.

For more information about medical herbs found in the field, consult A Healing Garden of Diversity: A List of Medical Herbs By Country, an informative book written by Ayamu Hoshimura. It goes more in depth about medical herbs, and is included in every Akatsuki first aid kit.


Components of an Akatsuki First Aid Kit

Medical skills are a preferred skill for new Akatsuki members to have, but we understand that learning medical ninjutsu is not always possible due to a long training period or a shinobi having less than perfect chakra control. Our medical ninja have assembled first aid kits for members so they can treat their wounds on missions until they can receive medical attention.

Each kit contains at least two months' worth of supplies.

The items in each kit consist of the following:

CPR masks

Bag valve masks (Is best used when in a team of three or more, or if you know the Shadow Clone Jutsu. It is difficult to operate by just one person.)

Oropharyngeal airways of varying sizes

Blood pressure monitors

Stethoscopes

Bandages

Wound dressings

Saline solution

Soap

Antiseptics

Adhesive tape

Styptic pencils

Trauma shears

Bandage scissors

Tweezers

Irrigation syringes

Hand sanitizer

Thermometers

Space blankets

Small flashlights

Cotton swabs

Cotton balls

Safety pins

Aspirin

Diphenhydramine

Epinephrine autoinjectors (Only two of them. There would be more packed with the kit, but epinephrine autoinjectors, also known as EpiPens, are very expensive.)

Codeine

Ibuprofen

Loperamide

Activated charcoal

Smelling salt (Yes, this is a real part of the first aid kit. Suigetsu, the smelling salt is for rousing teammates from unconsciousness when you're in a dangerous situation, not for trying to screw with Kisame's mind! You deserved that bite.)

(Akatsuki employees who misuse first aid components will be punished harshly. Suigetsu ended up reviving target practice as a punishment thanks to his stunt. Do not imitate him.)

Burn gel

Anti-itch ointment

Anti-fungal cream

Stretchers

Needles

Stitches

Medical ointment

Soldier pills

Blood clotting pills

Stasis scrolls (Only use when a comrade has a near-fatal injury that is still treatable, but not at your current location. Sealing them in a stasis scroll will induce unconsciousness. Find your teammate help right away.)

(The above is true, but we also use stasis scrolls on occasion to protect clients, and when we have captured new subordinates. You are running on a schedule once a living person occupies a stasis scroll. Release them from the scroll in a safe area once it is possible. People kept in stasis scrolls for too long experience significant side effects.)

(This is Obito/Madara. Since my demise, I have discovered that pets of the organization's members were evacuated during my battle with Konan. These animals, which included Kisame's fish tank, Konan's cat Arisa, Zetsu's snakes, and many others, were transported in stasis scrolls.

After they were released from the scrolls four months later, they were only disoriented for a week or so. While living beings should not be kept inside one for frivolous reasons, the side effects aren't as bad as Zetsu has stated.)

Corpse scrolls (For storing the bodies of dead teammates or ninja killed for their bounties. In the case of teammates, notify Senior Management about their death and then dispose of the corpse in a way that enemies cannot take advantage of. Cremation is best.)

A Beginner's Guide to Field Medicine by Kazue Kokawa

A Healing Garden of Diversity: A List of Medical Herbs By Country by Ayamu Hoshimura

An Introduction To Medical Ninjutsu by Tsunade

The Ailment Dictionary by Chiyoko Yoshitake

Deadly Gardens: Poisonous Flora of the Hidden Countries by Takara Akimiya

Venomous Animals of the Hidden Continent by Kohaku Saito

Common Poisons and Their Antidotes by Hiroki Fukuda


Performing CPR

On missions, there will be times that your teammates' lives will depend on you. Any number of situations can cause a person's heart to stop beating. I will tell you how to bring them back from the brink … and maybe get a kiss out of it as well.

Don't tell me she's going to bring seduction into this …

1) Place the distressed person on their back. Make sure that they are laying down in a firm area.

2) Kneel next to the person's neck and shoulders.

3) Position one hand in the center of the person's chest. Place your other hand on top of the first hand. Your elbows should not be bent, and your shoulders should be positioned directly above your hands.

4) Utilize your upper body strength as you push down on the person's chest. You should be compressing the chest by two inches. Push as hard as you can manage at a rate of one hundred compressions a minute.

5) After performing thirty chest compressions, open up the person's airway. Tip their head back while tilting their chin forward.

6) Check for normal breathing. Check to see if the person's chest is rising and falling, listen for normal breathing, and feel for the person's breath. Go in for a short kiss, but take no more than five to ten seconds.

7) After opening the airway, pinch the person's nostrils shut. Make a seal over the person's mouth with your hands. If you have a CPR mask or a bag valve mask, set it up.

8) Give two rescue breaths. As you give out the first one, check to see if the person's chest rises with the breath. If it doesn't, clear their airway again as described in Step Five. If it rises as it should, give the second breath. Sneak in for a little love if you want, but keep it quick. Thirty chest compressions and two rescue breaths is considered one cycle of CPR.

9) Resume chest compressions on the person. If they are not responsive after two minutes, a low-level Lightning Release jutsu can shock the heart into returning to a normal rhythm.

10) If you have managed to revive the person, have them receive medical attention right away. Nearly dying will leave them extremely weakened, and unable to complete missions for the near future. Notify Senior Management at once. They will either provide a list of nearby affiliated medical ninja, or arrange for immediate transportation back to Headquarters. If you are in hostile conditions, evacuate your teammate from the field.

11) If your teammate has passed away despite your best efforts, seal their corpse up in a provided corpse scroll. A corpse scroll prevents a body from decomposing until it can be laid to rest. Notify Senior Management as above. If your teammate died against enemy ninja, use your grief to annihilate your opponents. Once it is possible, dispose of your teammate's remains according to their wishes.

While most of the above is correct, do not kiss or otherwise perform physically affectionate behavior while performing CPR. Every second counts in such a dire situation. It is also a clear violation of the Akatsuki's sexual harassment policy. When a person is unconscious, they are unable to consent. If your teammate loses their life from such a thing, expect to answer to Senior Management.


Performing the Heimlich Maneuver

A person may sometimes end up with food or another object blocking their airway. It might be tempting to let the person die for being so stupid. However, Pain and Madara take a dim view on letting teammates die under their partner's watch. It is difficult to find replacement partners, so help your comrade out. Give them a lecture later.

1) Ask the person "Are you choking? Are you able to speak?". A person who is choking will not be able to talk. They might gesture to their neck. This is an international sign for choking.

2) If the person is sitting or standing, step behind the person. As this kind of behavior can trigger a shinobi's fight-or-flight instincts, warn your teammate that you are about to do this. Wrap your arms around their waist.

3) Move your fist just above the person's navel. Your thumb should be pointed inward.

4) Hold your fist tightly with your other hand. Make quick inward thrusts with your fists.

5) If the person is lying on their back instead, face their head. Straddle them. Push your fists inward in a similar way as described above.


Treating Poisonings

The world is full of poisonous flora and fauna that can end your life at their leisure. Poisons are a favorite weapon of many ninja. If you or your partner have been poisoned, time is of the essence. Find an Akatsuki-affiliated medical ninja right away. In the meantime, go through the following steps.

1) Identify the poison. Carefully obtain a sample of what poisoned you or your partner if it is possible. Read through Deadly Gardens: Poisonous Flora of the Hidden Countries by Takara Akimiya, Venomous Animals of the Hidden Continent by Kohaku Saito, or Common Poisons and Their Antidotes by Hiroki Fukuda depending on how the person received their poisoning.

2) Do not move or stress out the poisoned person unless you need to. Many types of poison and venom spread faster when a person moves too much or is panicked. If you or your partner was poisoned in a battle, interrogate your opponent about the poison used before killing them.

3) If the poison is a fast-acting one, contact Headquarters immediately for evacuation to the Akatsuki Headquarters' medical wing. If the poison is a slower variety and there are no Akatsuki-affiliated medical ninja in the area, locate the antidote by any mean necessary.

4) Administer the antidote. Keep an eye on the person's vitals. Keep them hydrated.

5) Nurse your teammate for as long as needed. If you were on assignment at the time of the poisoning, postpone the mission until the person can go into the field again. Your partner will rely on you to nurse them and protect them while they recover. Nursing your partner is your responsibility.


Akatsuki Medical Wing and Staff

The Organization is fortunate enough to have its own medical faculties at its Headquarters in the Hidden Rain Village. Thanks to a few donations, specially organized robberies, and Rain's main hospital lending some of its equipment to us, the Akatsuki's medical wing has some of the most advanced medicine in the Hidden Countries.

If there were an Akatsuki member who specialized in medical ninjutsu, they would be the head of this Akatsuki division. However, learning medical ninjutsu is a difficult endeavor that requires time and intelligence. No main Akatsuki members know medical jutsu as their main specialty. This is the only Akatsuki branch under the command of a subordinate for this reason.

The medical wing includes over twenty private patient rooms, three surgical suites, a vast intensive care unit, and five examination rooms. The entrance is to the left of the hallway leading to the Akatsuki's training grounds.

The medical wing is a place of healing. Yelling and horseplay is not permitted. Visitors are not to harass the medical staff. They should also not play with the medical equipment. The staff may throw anyone out if these rules are not heeded.

This is Konan speaking. I would like to remind Akatsuki personal that there are to be no repeats of the fake corpse incident, or of the night of the creeping mummies. Shutting down Itachi's heart monitor and then pulling a white sheet over him is not funny.

Deidara and Hidan, wrapping yourselves in medical bandages and trying to scare the occupants of Headquarters is not just misuse of medical supplies. It is a good way to end up skewered by Akatsuki employees. I hope you learn from your misadventure while you're in the hospital wing.

Full members and subordinates who live at Headquarters do not need to pay for medical services, although I believe everyone should. Employees are encouraged to donate to the Akatsuki medical wing upon being discharged. Associates and subordinates who live outside of Headquarters must pay up front.

Pain and Konan started a program some years back where promising young medical ninja from the Hidden Rain Village are diverted from Rain's main forces. They are brought into our medical division to learn medicine in a more hands-on environment. They are free to return to Rain's forces once their internships are complete, but many elect to stay with us.

In certain rare circumstances, patients may be transferred from the medical bay to the Hidden Rain Village's hospital.

Below is a chart of our current medical ninja employees. Their superiors will be listed in parenthesis. Anyone from Rain is under Pain or Konan's authority by default. Killing any medical ninja under Pain or Konan's authority is forbidden. Expect a harsh penalty if you do so.

This is Obito/Madara again. The medical personnel have status updates recorded in parenthesis related to their superiors' deaths up to Itachi's demise. After Pain's death and Konan's defection, none of the medics listed below were affiliated with the Akatsuki any longer. We were not able to appropriately update the Handbook because of events relating to the Fourth Shinobi World War.


Akatsuki Medical Wing Hierarchy

Akatsuki Director of Medicine: Nariko (Sasori; none after Sasori's demise. There has been talks of formally elevating Nariko's status in the organization to either associate or main member status, although her job would leave her confined to Headquarters for the most part. )

Senior Medical Ninja: Natsuki Morita (Pain)

Goro Sakai (Itachi Uchiha; none after Itachi's demise.)

Yuka Sasaki (Konan)

Hotaru (Pain)

Medical Staff: Koyone Kina (Kisame Hoshigaki)

Rikuto Kimura (Formerly Orochimaru; currently, Deidara; none after Deidara's demise.)

Harumi Hyūga (Itachi Uchiha; none after Itachi's demise.) (We've received questions of why and how a member of Leaf's Hyūga clan joined us. Harumi has a passion for medicine, but her clan hadn't taken kindly to her using non-traditional techniques. She offered her services to Itachi, and has been with us since.)

Saki (Konan)

Fumiko Ito (Pain)

Haruo (Konan)

Noboru Takahashi (Kakuzu; none after Kakuzu's demise.)

Kiyomi Fujita (Konan)

Kin Tominuma (Konan)

Yasushi Kikushima (Pain)

Rika Takemori (Hidan; none after Hidan's demise.)

Toshio (Kisame Hoshigaki)

Usagi (Konan)

Hiraku Shirowara (Konan)

Medical Students: Kazuki Tamura (Konan)

Sayuri (Pain)

Minako Nakayoshi (Konan)

Masao (Pain)

Tsubaki Kurosawa (Konan)

Aina Nishimiya (Konan)

Katashi Takeda (Pain)

Yoko Fujihara (Pain)


Akatsuki Medical Ninja Uniform

Much like the main Akatsuki members, the Akatsuki's medical ninja wear a uniform while on duty. This is to distinguish them from ordinary underlings. It is a little looser than the ordinary Akatsuki uniform, and is expected to be worn while working in the medical wing.

1) A white, red, or black shirt of any style. This is Pain. If the shirt has an accessory or two (like an obi on a kimono top or buttons on a polo shirt), it may be a different color, although black or self-colored is preferred.

2) Black pants, shorts, or skirt of any style. You may wear tights, leggings, or shorts under your skirt if you prefer. The first two can also be worn under shorts.

3) A black nursing cap with a red cross. To answer questions, while the nursing cap is usually worn by female nurses, all of our medical ninja are to wear it while on duty. There are no special exceptions for men.

4) Black overcoat/scrubs with a single Akatsuki cloud in the middle of the chest. It should be tastefully tailored with a raised collar, and end around the hips.

5) Black shoes of any style. Simple ninja shoes, heeled shoes, sandals of any kind, and close-toed boots are all permitted. You may also wear leg warmers, stockings, and tabi socks with your shoes.

6) Black gloves when gloves are required.


Hidan smirked at the computer screen. The image of a bandage-wrapped corpse stared back at him. Learning about the monsters of Outside Country mythology was interesting. Could he spook a few people in Headquarters that annoyed him by dressing up like a mummy?

The screaming would be beautiful. He couldn't kill anyone affiliated with the Akatsuki without making a ruckus, so this was the next best thing. The silver-haired ninja would gain some respect.

The only questions that remained were how he was going to sneak into the medical bay for bandages, and if he should involve a second person. Ninja worked in groups for a reason. Who should his collaborator be?

Kakuzu would stop his plan as soon as the miser caught wind of it. So would Pain, Konan, Zetsu, or Sasori. Kisame occasionally participated in pranks, but he and Hidan had some spats recently.

Madara was definitely not a traditional pranking type. Itachi was angry with the Jashinist thanks to him using the longhaired teenager's bedroom for rituals while Itachi had been on a long-term spying mission. Hitting on Itachi's girlfriend had not helped.

That left only Deidara. Hidan and the blond argued sometimes, but worked together quite well when it was needed. They were paired for kitchen duty several times, and were partnered together for a mission once when Sasori was too injured to take to the field. His puppet body had gotten badly damaged by a fire jutsu. Kakuzu stayed back to tend to the Financial Office.

Hidan printed out the information sheet regarding the mummy. He then dashed back to his room. His partner would have his hide if he were discovered near the Financial Office's precious computers.

The silver-haired man only managed to sneak inside because all of the Financial Office's workers were on lunch break. Ever since the exotic bird shipping fiasco, Kakuzu never allowed him near the machines. Couldn't he take a joke?

Hidan approached Deidara a couple of hours later. The blond sat on the couch in the Akatsuki's living room. He had his face buried in a book about sculpting.

"Hey Deidara," the slick-haired ninja greeted.

The former Iwagakure shinobi lowered his book.

"Hey Hidan," he greeted back.

"Are you getting a little antsy about not being on the field? Our spies haven't been bringing back too many missions, un."

Hidan nodded. He snuck beside the young ninja's right ear.

"You could say that," he whispered.

"There aren't a lot of people around to sacrifice to Jashin-sama. I get that there aren't many missions at this time of year because of villages hosting the Chunin Exams, but I'm getting fucking bored. I have a plan to liven up this place, and I'd like you as my partner for it."

Deidara's blue eyes widened. He smirked.

"I like your idea so far. What's your plan?"

Hidan escorted the blond to his room. He laid out the information sheets about the Outside Country monsters.

"While Kakuzu's office lackeys have been on lunch break, I've been sneaking on to their fucking computers. I connected to the internet, which hosts information from all over the world. It allowed me to visit websites located in the Outside Countries," he explained.

The longhaired shinobi wriggled beside the Jashinist. His blue eyes widened again.

"The Outside Countries? As in, where Itachi spent a year spying on the locals and where his girlfriend is from?" the blond repeated.

The silver-haired man nodded.

"Hell yes," he declared.

"I actually took to researching on the computers because, according to The Book of Jashin, Jashinists aren't allowed to kill certain non-humans even if we're encouraged to kill wherever we go. I had to see if killing Mitsuki would be a violation of my religious commandments."

He turned his violet eyes to the ground.

"It is, for your information. Half-ghosts are apparently special enough for exclusion. Jashinists may not kill anyone of the undead persuasion. Jashin-sama will not view an already fully or half-dead person's death as a proper sacrifice. I got interested in how many types of undead creatures come from the Outside Countries."

Deidara skimmed over the monster information sheets.

"There's quite a lot," the young shinobi commented.

"Does your plan involve us dressing up as one of these monsters, un?"

Hidan nodded. He picked up the mummy information sheet.

"Yes. I was thinking that we would dress up as mummies and creep everyone out. Mummies are bandaged up corpses that had their organs removed. They don't like their tombs being disturbed. They go after anyone who intrudes their resting place. Dressing up as one would be very easy."

His blond companion licked his lips.

"How easy, un?"

The silver-haired man smirked.

"As easy as sneaking into the fucking hospital wing, sneaking out some bandages, buying a little body paint and hair dye for an extra layer of disguise, and wrapping ourselves up with the bandages. We will go around and chase the other Akatsuki personnel late at night."

The dark-skinned blond shook with excitement.

"Awesome. I'm in, un."

The young collaborators hatched out the finer details of their plan over the next few days. Deidara bought some body paint from a local store. He disguised it as paint for his sculptures. Hidan tiptoed into the medical wing late at night. It wasn't his fault that so many bandages were left in the open. They purchased white hair dye from a small cosmetic store.

The young men stayed holed up in Hidan's bedroom on the day they planned to execute their prank. They applied the body paint to one another in shifts.

"Say Hidan," Deidara inquired from the thin mat he was laying on.

"Why aren't you using your Jashinist jutsu for the prank? Surely that would be easier than masking ourselves with body paint, un."

Black paint dried on his tanned skin. His blue eyes stared longingly at some onigiri the Jashinist munched on.

"Only a few more minutes blondie," the silver-haired man soothed.

His violet eyes glittered.

"While I'm excited that you're taking interest in my religion, my jutsu is a very complicated jutsu that takes time to learn," he explained.

"Even if you converted to Jashinism here and now, the jutsu would take months to learn and even more time to master. My jutsu also has a few drawbacks. I have to draw a fucking huge Jashinist symbol in blood. Once I use it, I can't leave the circle unless I want my jutsu to dispel. It would attract too much attention."

The former Iwagakure ninja accepted the explanation. Once the paint dried a few minutes later, he nibbled at an onigiri.

"Once I have my lunch, you're going on the mat, un," the blond declared.

Hidan finished his lunch. As his young partner finished, he stripped off his clothes without a complaint. He laid down on the mat. Deidara leaned above him with a brush soaked with black body paint.

The young men's disguising work was finished by dinner. Thickly wrapped bandages covered all but a portion around their eyes and mouths. They flexed their fingers.

"When do we go out to scare everyone?" Deidara asked.

His dyed white hair flowed to his mid-back. The usually blond teenager had taken it out of its typical high ponytail so nobody would recognize him at first.

"Near curfew," Hidan supplied.

"We'll sneak behind the walls to mess with the lighting. Once it's pitch dark, we'll start chasing after the bastards."

He had messed up his usually slicked back hair. He gazed at his alarm clock. Only four more hours until showtime.

Clay clones of the pair brought them dinner. They nibbled at their gyūdon. The young men double-checked their disguises.

Hidan headed for the main breaker room as ten o'clock approached. He knocked out a pair of Akatsuki subordinates guarding the area. The now white-haired man pulled the big lever at the top of the panel. The lights dimmed to black.

Good. Deidara should be waiting.

The Jashinist tied up the subordinates with ninja wire. He slunk back up to his room. Deidara peered out of the door.

"It is time, un?" he whispered.

The white-haired ninja nodded.

"Hell yes. Let's give these assholes the scare of their lives."

Hidan spotted a lavender-haired girl shuffling her head back and forth in the dark hallway. Her dark red eyes were widened in fear.

Shiori, huh? The bitch isn't all that bright. She'll do nicely.

The Jashinist outstretched his arms. He moaned as he approached the kunoichi with a shuffling gate. Deidara followed his lead. Shiori turned her head in their direction.

She shrieked. She ran in the opposite direction.

"Undead monsters!" she exclaimed.

The pair came across more victims. Zetsu cringed at their approach.

"Our prey has come back to haunt us," his white side observed nervously.

"Don't be so silly," his black side argued.

"I don't care. We're getting out of here," his white side declared decisively.

The plant man vanished through the ground.

The pair continued to terrorize the Akatsuki for a while. Hidan lunged towards Kisame as the sharkman turned a corner.

"Fish is delicious," he moaned.

The blue-skinned man flushed. He bit his lip.

"A reanimated corpse?" he questioned.

Deidara shuffled his feet towards the older ninja.

"Hungry. Want to eat fish," the teenager groaned.

Kisame cringed.

"I'm not a fish. I'm a sharkman," he pleaded.

"Please don't eat me!"

He turned his heel. He fled down an adjoining corridor.

Hidan and his young partner in crime spooked many of Headquarters' residents. Their reign of terror lasted several hours. At approximately midnight, Pain's voice rang in their heads.

"Attention all main Akatsuki members at Headquarters. It is past curfew. Our power has gone out, and many people have reported seeing intruders. They appear to be a type of undead creature wrapped in bandages. Apprehend the intruders by any means necessary. Once they are detained, the majority of you are to head for bed."

Deidara gazed at the former Yugakure shinobi.

"They think we're intruders. I think we need to stop, un," he whispered.

Hidan nodded. Their act was no longer an innocent prank.

"You can stay in my room so you can avoid Sasori," he offered.

"We can unwrap ourselves and wash out the body paint in the morning. If anyone asks about the hair dye, you can claim that the mummies caught us."

The two headed in the direction of Hidan's bedroom. Their ears overheard a conversation.

"Don't worry, Shiori-chan. My ghost sense would pick up undead creatures. It sounds like some bored Akatsuki employees are pulling off a prank," a soft-spoken voice soothed.

Shiori gulped.

"I hope so, Mitsuki-chan."

A deeper voice interjected into the conversation.

"You and Kisame-san have nothing to fear, Shiori-san. The pranksters will be caught soon enough. We will go about as a group."

Shiori, Kisame, a longhaired teenage boy with red eyes, and a heavily scarred white-haired girl with icy blue eyes walked in front of the bandaged young men. The group froze.

Hidan stayed where he was. Should he just drop the act now to lessen what will be done to him later? Deidara staggered towards the four ninja while moaning. Kisame hid behind his comrades.

"They're back! Itachi-san, don't let them eat me!" the blue-skinned man begged.

Shiori let in a deep gulp of air. She retrieved a large fūma shuriken from her weapons pouch strapped on her white biker shorts. She unfolded the bladed weapon.

"Itachi-sama, forgive me, but I think I need to ignore the jutsu ban Headquarters has," she stammered.

Itachi nodded at her.

"There is nothing to forgive. They are intruders. Headquarters has been under threat for hours."

Shiori threw the fūma shuriken towards Deidara. She ran her hands through several hand signs.

"Shuriken Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" she called out.

A thousand fūma shuriken appeared out of nowhere. They headed for the former Iwagakure ninja and Hidan. The Jashinist and his companion had no time to dodge.

Curved blades slashed the shorthaired shinobi from every side. Bandages fell to the ground. Pain exploded from his chest and sides. Lightheadedness overwhelmed Hidan as his sight grew dark.

The silver-haired man woke up in a soft white bed. There was a lit-up desk lamp on a bedside table near him, so he realized that the Akatsuki's electricity had been restored. His body was mostly covered by bandages, but a few bare patches of pale skin indicated that his body paint had been washed off.

I'm in the hospital wing, he realized with dread.

I must have been badly banged up by Shiori. I wonder when someone will come in to lecture me.

He shuffled under the covers of the bed. Wounds stung all over his body. His violet eyes spotted an IV drip hooked up in his right arm. It connected to a bag of red liquid.

A blood transfusion. I fucked up very badly this time.

Hidan heard footsteps from outside his hospital room. The door opened up to reveal a dark blue-haired young woman with bright blue eyes.

"Hidan-sama, you're awake!" she exclaimed.

She rushed over to the silver-haired shinobi's bed.

"Rika?" he mumbled.

Upon his induction into the Akatsuki, Kakuzu informed him that full members often had subordinates to divide up their duties, and to have dependable allies in times of need. Since Jashinists often injured themselves while performing their techniques, Hidan figured that a medical ninja subordinate to fix him up would be a wise investment.

Rika's eyebrows creased in worry.

"Even with your immortality, you nearly didn't make it," she informed her superior.

"It has been a week since you were injured. You sustained a lot of large lacerations in vital areas. You lost a lot of blood. Your opponents broke several of your ribs and one of your legs after you passed out. You will not be able to leave your bed for a while yet."

Hidan cursed under his breath. He should have just revealed himself and Deidara before Shiori attacked them.

"How Deidara?" he rasped.

"I convinced him to be a part of this mess. He was closer to our enemies than I was."

The fair-skinned woman frowned.

"Not good. Your partner Kakuzu-sama had to assist in stitching him up. You can expect to stay in the medical wing for two weeks. Should he make it, Deidara-sama is looking at a couple of months, including rehab."

The silver-haired man cringed. He was dense at times, but knew that he and the blond had made many people angry.

"When should I expect Leader to show up? He can't be fucking pleased with what Deidara and I have done."

Rika shook her head.

"He isn't. He'll see you tomorrow to discuss your punishment. On the bright side, he's keeping Kakuzu-sama out of here so he doesn't succeed in murdering you. Kakuzu-sama's angry about the money we're having to spend on repairs to Headquarters."

Hidan cracked up a smile.

"Well, that's something. Can I have something to eat?"

Pain visited the Jashinist the next day. The orange-haired man possessed heavy eye bags.

"This is a lot worse than the ritual marathon soon after you joined, and the time you used Akatsuki funds to purchase a lot of exotic birds," the heavily pierced man remarked.

"Hidan, what were you and Deidara thinking when you disguised yourselves as undead creatures, and terrorized your comrades? This is the headquarters of a criminal ninja organization. Our headquarters is the place Akatsuki employees know as their home. A lot of Akatsuki personnel are now feeling unsafe as a result of yours and Deidara's actions."

Hidan frowned. He recalled the events of the week before the mummy prank.

"Deidara and I were bored," he began slowly.

"There had been no missions for weeks thanks to the damn Chunin Exams. I had been doing a lot of research on the undead because Jashin-sama's commandments forbid me from using a partly or fully dead anything as a sacrifice. A lot of these creatures were from the Outside Countries. I grew interested in a type of monster called a mummy."

Pain narrowed his ringed eyes.

"And what, pray tell, is a mummy?" he demanded.

The silver-haired man smirked.

"A mummy is a bandaged corpse preserved by removing most of the organs, and having the body soak in a special type of salt. They often were high-ranking bastards in desert nations of the Outside Countries. They attack intruders if their tombs are disturbed. Deidara and I decided to dress up as mummies to spook people."

The Akatsuki leader frowned.

"I hope you're pleased with yourself. Zetsu refuses to set forth in Headquarters. Kisame is currently in Amegakure's mental faculty, and will be receiving counseling for a long time. Shiori walks around with her fūma shuriken close at the ready. I've had to bar Kakuzu from your hospital room. You must understand that I cannot let you off lightly."

Hidan nodded. He waited for the orange-haired man's pronouncement.

"Once you are released from the hospital, you will be on restriction. You must have another person with you at all times. If you must be alone for any reason, you will tell Kakuzu or whoever you are with where you will be and how long you will be there. If you are late by a minute, we will go hunting after you."

The silver-haired ninja dropped his face in his hands. Having to be babysat was going to be humiliating. Pain continued on.

"You will clean out the community bathrooms for the next two months. You will assist our subordinates with the laundry for the same amount of time. We will use you for target practice for three weeks. The money for damages to Headquarters will come out of yours and Deidara's accounts. And, forget about late night forays into Amegakure."

Hidan cringed. It looked like he was not getting any love from the ladies any time soon.

"Anything else?" he inquired.

The orange-haired shinobi sighed.

"Hidan, I know you live by a different set of rules than the rest of us. In one night, you shorted out our electricity, killed one of my subordinates, made it look like undead creatures invaded Headquarters, and threatened your fellow Akatsuki employees. If you become bored in the future, can you try a tamer prank next time that won't leave people needing to sign up for psychologist appointments?"

The Jashinist's violet eyes lit up.

"What do you mean by tamer?" he asked out of curiosity.

Pain held a hand to his mouth. He chuckled slightly.

"Kisame once convinced Mitsuki to assist him in a prank. They set up a trap that poured chum on whoever triggered it. Everyone had a good laugh, and no one got hurt. Although, Konan complained of the smell for days."

The heavily pierced man stopped laughing. He stared at Hidan.

"By the way, the last part of your punishment will be helping Konan in cataloging supernatural creatures from the Hidden Countries and elsewhere. The Akatsuki do not wish to run afoul of spirits or non-bijū demons if it is at all possible."

The silver-haired ninja groaned. His prank had come to bite him in the ass, big time.


A/N: Here's chapter twenty-one. There are a lot of things I would like to talk about, so be patient please.

Most of the herbs I decided to list have broad uses, and are used in Asian medicine. A few of them were imported from Europe, but that number is low. A few of them (chocolate vine, garlic, loquat) are also food.

The first aid kits are so full of stuff because of the Akatsuki being full of missing-nin. Think about this carefully: once they turned their backs on their villages, they could no longer expect medical care from their villages' hospitals. The Akatsuki's operations span all over the world. They might not be in Headquarters for months on end.

While I easily came up with guides for CPR, the Heimlich maneuver, and handling poisonings, I decided against one dealing with broken bones. There are many different types of bones, so it would be difficult to write a guide referencing all of them. I wouldn't do the subject justice.

While Kakuzu can stitch up injuries, he and the other Akatsuki members don't know the usual medical jutsu. That is why the first aid kit includes so many books. You would think that the Akatsuki would notice this skill gap and try to recruit a main member as a head medic …

I include several tie-ins to my Naruto/Danny Phantom crossover Whirlpools of Lightning in this chapter. This is to place my stories in the same continuity. The first reference is the mention of many Akatsuki subordinates fleeing Amegakure in the wake of Konan's death. The second is the Hyūga clan's attitude.

While Hiashi is a reasonable clan leader, a lot of the clan elders don't like outside marriages or for members to use anything but Jūken and the basic techniques. Harumi is more suited for medical jutsu than her clan's jutsu, so she was left with few options. She defected before Tsunade came back and made medicine more prominent.

Two of the authors of the medical books come from original clans of mine. The Kokawa and Akimiya clans both hail from Uzushiogakure. In my continuity, Uzushio was rebuilt in another area, but are in hiding from most of the Hidden Countries.

The Kokawa clan has a kekkei genkai that allows them to sense any water source. Masters of the kekkei genkai may manipulate any source of water, including blood. However, most blood manipulation was declared kinjutsu decades ago. They are of a gentle disposition. Several members are vegetarians (although not all of them are).

Kokawa clan members are usually found as sensory, medical, and support ninja because of their abilities. Their kekkei genkai prevents them from using elements other than Water, Yin, Yang, and Yin-Yang Release very well. Members are on the smaller side, may have brown hair and blue eyes of any shade, and have river-like markings tattooed on their cheeks.

The Akimiya clan specializes in poisons. They raise poisonous plants and animals to make their poisons in-house. A lot of members keep snakes as pets. Akimiya clan members dress in bright colors to appear less threatening to others. They have cunning minds that look to take advantage of each situation presented to them. Members usually have black hair, although any eye color is possible.

Pain and Konan's medical ninja program is a big part of Kazuki's backstory, so I threw it in. Pain is the leader of both Amegakure and the Akatsuki. He will sometimes mix ninja from both groups together. He doesn't have to worry about anyone discovering the program as his hidden village has an isolationist policy.

Nariko is yet another reference to Whirlpools of Lightning. Some years after the Akatsuki fell, she turned her focus from medicine to international spy work. She represents Amegakure in a secretive subdivision of the Shinobi Union called Mayonaka.

I had mentioned way back in chapter four that the Akatsuki medical ninja have a uniform of their own. This is the perfect chapter to describe it in. The Hidden Countries have a lot of weird fashion that makes the inhabitants look different from us, and I wrote the description of the uniform with that in mind.

The omake is supposed to be a mix of humor and horror. I had to make a few Akatsuki members out-of-character for this to work. I apologize. I may have listened to Thriller a few too many times lately.

How was this chapter?