Title: When Life Imitates Television

Author: Terri Botta

Support Stacie Auction Winner: EricsTXGal

Ficlet Challenge: Write an ESN romp with Bad-ass Eric and Sookie.

Pairings: Eric/Sookie (duh)

Rating: M for Mature

A/N: When the Support Stacie Fanfic Auction went up, and I made my first story offer, sookiebontemps on Twitter made the very generous offer of Role Playing my winning story on Twitter with the other SVM RP'ers there. When EricsTXGal bid the highest (and boy did she bid HIGH! O.o) and wanted an ESN romp, I was in a bit of a bind because I wanted to write something that the RP'ers would have fun acting out. This story is a meld of the two challenges: to write an ESN romp and to also write a story that would be fun to role-play.

This is also an experiment in my writing a POV that I rarely write: 3rd Person Omniscient. My preferred POV is 3rd Person Singular, where you see the story through one set of eyes, and are only privy to one person's thoughts and perceptions. 3rd Person Omniscient means you see through everyone's eyes and know everyone's views. It is a very difficult POV for me to write, and this (I hope) will be good practice.

Many thanks to SheiroQ for the Swedish translations! :D

Enjoy!


When Life Imitates Television

Sookie drums her fingers on the inside of the Corvette's door for the umpteenth time. Eric ushered her into the car shortly after he rose, and she still has no idea where he's taking her. Other than to an early grave because she's been certain he's going to kill her with his driving at least three times tonight.

"Are we there yet?" she asks a bit peevishly.

"Not far now, not far," Eric Northman answers.

He knows she's getting impatient, but they are almost to their destination. Besides, he likes it when she gets angry. She's beautiful when she's peeved. Her eyes flash and she pouts her lips, and she sweats, which sends her delicious scent filling up the car. He inhales and holds it for a second, letting the intoxicating smell stay in his sinuses for a moment before letting it slowly out.

'Raptures,' he sighs, finding himself suddenly uncomfortable in his jeans. Maybe he should rethink this plan. 'No. No. There will be plenty of time later. Right now it's time to take care of business.'

Sookie hears her vampire lover take a deep breath, and because vampires don't breathe, she knows something is up. He lets it out and she can almost hear the moan slipping from his lips. Lust comes across the bond.

"Are you smelling me?" she demands. It's irritating, but it's kinda sexy too.

Eric looks innocently at the woman sitting next to him, and puts on his best "Who Me?" face. It makes her madder, which only makes her sweat more, and he lets his fangs come down. "Why wouldn't I smell you? Your scent is delicious."

The sight of his fangs can either scare her or get her excited depending on what they are doing and how she is feeling. Tonight, even though she's mad at him, she feels the latter. 'Probably coz we didn't have a chance to play any Scrabble before he was shoving me in the car.'

She squirms a little, then remembers she supposed to be mad. "I shouldn't smell. I showered when I got off work."

He grins at her and purses his lips. He knows her game, and he loves her for it. "Your natural scent is the headiest perfume."

She snorts. How did she know he was gonna say that? Stupid vampire and his stupid heightened sense of smell. 'Hey, why do I sound like Bella Swan?'

"Whatever. Are we there yet?"

"Almost."

He turns his attention back to the road. As much as he would love to pull over and take her in the car, the Corvette's a little cramped, and the last time they tried to have sex in it, Sookie got poked in a sensitive place with the gearshift. She was not amused, and as much as he loves it when she's mad, it's no fun when it means she won't have sex with him. They're just about there anyway.

He can see the lights just through the trees, and he pulls the Corvette onto a side road and parks it in a copse of trees out of the way.

'He'd better not be thinkin' of having sex in the car again,' Sookie fumes.

Eric smiles because he can tell what she's thinking by the expression on her face, and he winks at her as he gets out of the car.

"Not to worry, lover. I'm not going to try to fuck you in the car."

"Well, that's good coz the last time the gear shift almost got stuck up my butt, and I'm not into that kinky stuff." 'At least not yet.'

"Of course not, lover," he purrs, opening her door for her and leering as she steps out of the car. He's on her the moment she is clear of the door, pressing her against the side of the Corvette and kissing her with full tongue.

"The hood of the car, however…" he croons. "That's got plenty of room on it."

She admits there's a moment when she seriously considers his suggestion, mostly because having his tongue down her throat usually short-circuits her higher brain functions, and her lower brain is all for screwing the Viking anytime, anywhere, but she stops herself at the last minute because ladies do not have sex on car hoods.

"You hold your horses there, fella. Where are we and why are we parked near this old bayou?" she demands, putting a hand on his chest to hold him back. 'Not that it would, but he'll stop if he respects me.'

He comes out of his lust-filled haze and steps back. Sure, he can probably persuade her, and she'd probably like it, but the moment she felt like he had taken advantage of her, she'd cross her thighs and that would be that. He's far too canny and savvy to fall for that one. He'll postpone sex now for lots of sex later.

"You'll find out in a moment," he assures. "Come, lover."

She isn't too happy when he picks her up and swings her around until she's on his back, and she lets him know by giving him a nudge in the side, but he just laughs as he takes off with her. He streaking through the trees like Sam on a full moon night, and she gets a sinking feeling when she sees a bunch of bright lights up ahead.

'I got a bad feelin' about this…'

Sure enough, they clear the trees and she sees what looks like an on-location film set around an old house complete with huge lights on poles, cameras, crew, cast trailers, and other related equipment. There are dozens of people milling about, and the atmosphere is one of organized chaos. She catches sight of a baseball cap on one of the crewmembers' head, and she realizes where they are.

"No!" she hisses. "Eric, we promised!"
He suppresses the urge to roll his eyes as he sets her down gently. They are in the shadows for the moment, out of the main hustle and bustle of the set. They should not be noticed, and he'll glamour anyone who does.

"What was that, lover?" he asks innocently.

"You know damn well what I am talking about. We promised not to do anything to mess up this TV show. You told that author lady you'd stay out of it," she fumes, clenching her fists.

"Who? The Ghostwriter? I only promised not to interfere. I didn't say I wouldn't drop in to see what they were doing. I hear they've hired some Swedish actor to play me," he replies. 'I have every right to see who will be bearing my name on cable television.'

"I don't care who they hired! We shouldn't be here! What if someone sees us?" she argues. 'Idiot vampire and his damn ego!'

"No one will see us, and I will glamour anyone who does."

"Eric!"

She stamps her foot, but he just laughs at her and picks her up again.

'I wonder if I scream loud enough and cause a scene, if he'll get us out of here.'

Over a year ago an agent who represented Eric's Ghostwriter (actually she was the official Ghostwriter for the Louisiana vampires after the previous ghostwriter found God and moved to California) came to Shreveport offering a very attractive deal to televise the books the Ghostwriter had penned. Since the agreement included a nice sum for Eric and the other vampires involved in the books (she's even gotten a cut), the vamps had jumped at it.

But the Ghostwriter knew her vamps very well, and she knew that they wouldn't be able to resist the urge to crash in on the film set and add their own ideas to the show, so she made them promise not to interfere with the filming or production of the show.

"You're being bad and you know it," she hisses as he carries her, slung over his shoulder.

He can't resist the opportunity to pat her butt, and he gives her a little caress as he strides purposefully for the staff trailers.

"And your point would be?" he asks sweetly.

"You're gonna get us in trouble."

"I will do no such thing." 'And really, just exactly what can they do to me anyway?'

He didn't see anyone who even remotely looks like him anywhere on the set or around the house. In fact, it looks like they are just preparing the scene and aren't quite ready to begin shooting. He knows this from his days in California in the 60's when he spent quite a bit of time haunting the movie production studios in Hollywood.

That means the cast must be having downtime in the trailers, memorizing their lines and getting into character. He doesn't know what his counterpart looks like, but he does know what he should smell like. Europeans always smell different, so he tunes his nose to track down a human male of breeding age from Europe, and he must do this with Sookie squirming over his shoulder.

'This is going to be interesting.'

"Put me down you stupid vampire!" she demands, slapping his back to get his attention. She can tell he's tracking because she can hear him sniffing. 'This can't be good.'

"In a minute, woman."

She shivers. He's gone all growly and edgy because he's concentrating. The deep rumble to his voice does things to her libido.

'No! Bad Sookie! You should not be thinking about pillaging a Viking when he's crashing onto a film set and hunting down the cast!'

His hand rubs her butt, sliding along the crack of her jeans, and she groans because it's hopeless.

He's caught a scent. It mixed with sex and he grins. It would seem that his counterpart is already getting into character. He tracks the scent to a cast trailer and stops outside of the closed door. As he listens to see if it's a good time (he wouldn't want to interrupt at a crucial moment), he sets Sookie down, and she fumes next to him. The scent of her anger is intoxicating.

"Eric!" she hisses through clenched teeth. "You can't be thinking of going in there!"

"Hmm?"

'He's impossible! Absolutely impossible.'

She's about to sound the alarm when he grabs her arm, yanks open the trailer door (it might even have been locked) and drags her in with him.

"Eric! Eric, you stop this right now!" she squeaks, but it's too late.

They've busted in on a couple who have obviously just had sex. They're still mostly naked and scrambling for clothes. The man is well built with dark, wavy hair and a well-defined chest. He has dark brown eyes and a strong jaw that is now clenched in anger. She thinks he's very handsome in a rugged, unpolished sort of way.

The woman is a pretty blond, way too skinny as most Hollywood actresses are, with a little gap between her front teeth that gives her a homey, girl-next-door look. Sookie thinks she has seen her somewhere before.

'Is that who they got to play me?' she wonders, but she doesn't have too much time to think about it because the man is angry and getting angrier.

"Who the fuck are you?" the man demands, yanking on a pair of khaki pants. 'Fuck, if they're paparazzi…'

'Oh no! If they're paparazzi… We'll be on the cover of the gossip rags for sure!' Sookie hears the actress think worriedly. 'I can see the headlines now. "Hot HBO Vamp Caught Sucking on CoStar!" Ugh!'

'I don't see any cameras… What asshole is dumb enough to sneak onto a set and break into my trailer?' she hears the man wonder. 'That was a rhetorical question, wasn't it?'

"Get the hell out of my trailer!" the actor orders angrily.

"You're not me," Eric blurts. "Who the hell are you supposed to be?"

He suddenly realizes that he's looking at Bill's counterpart, and he starts to laugh.

"Oh! Oh, are you Compton?!" he teases through the snickers.

Sookie can hear their minds whirring and she knows how they feel. They are starting to understand what is happening and grasp the gravity of the situation.

'Oh no. It can't be… No. Alan swore we'd be safe! What the fuck do I do now?' the man thinks as he reaches out a hand to his co-star. "Anna, get behind me."

'Oh, I know who these two are…' the actress thinks, putting a strained smile on her face. "It's okay, Steve. I think." 'He shouldn't be here. He's breaking the agreement. But he is kinda hot-looking. Alex better watch out.'

"I'm calling security," the man threatens, reaching for a cell phone.

Before the actor can move, Eric is in front of him. He rips the phone from the man's hand and sends it smashing against the trailer wall. The skinny, blonde begins to scream, but he catches her eye and freezes her in mid-inhale.

"Not even the real Compton is dumb enough to stand up to me," he growls.

Eric has them both in his sight, and they're just standing there slack-jawed and vacant-eyed. She hates it when vamps do this. Even worse is she can still hear them as their minds rail against the glamour.

'Can't move. Is this what the Ghostwriter meant about not looking them in the eye?' the actor thinks, straining to move.

'Whoa. I'd freeze even if he didn't glamour me! He's just scary! He's worse than the TrueBlood fangirls!'

"Eric! Eric, stop it! You un-glamour them right now!" she orders.

'Just exactly who does she think she's talking to?' he wonders, but he can feel her anger approaching a breaking point so he backs down a little.

"Don't worry, lover. I'm not going to hurt them. It's obvious that I merely tracked down the wrong European. What do you think of Bill Compton?" he asks with a flourish of his hand.

His question knocks her out of her tirade, and she comes to stand next to him.

"I guess he looks a little like Bill," she admits. "Is she supposed to be me?"

"That would be my guess, lover. It looks like they are reading the wrong book."

She wrinkles her nose and cocks her head. "She doesn't look anything like me."

"I would agree. You have much nicer breasts."

'I'm asking for a raise,' she hears the actress complain.

She slaps him on the arm. "Okay, that's enough. Un-glamour them and let's get out of here."

"Agreed."

He makes sure he has both mortals firmly under his power before impressing their memories.

"A wild pig broke into your trailer and stomped on your cell phone…"

"A wild pig?" she asks, incredulous.

"You have a better idea?"

'Uh-oh. He would ask me that…' "Umm… it got broken coz it rang at the wrong time?"

"How would you explain the broken front door?"

"Ppfft. It's a trailer. A stiff wind could have broken it."

"Fair enough." He focuses again. "You came back to your trailer to find the door lock already broken, and you threw your phone against the wall because it rang while you were having sex."

He looks at Sookie. "Good enough, lover?"

She shrugs. "I guess. She's so skinny… I mean, I'm an eight. What's she? A two?"

"You know how these Hollywood types starve themselves, lover."

"Gosh, I'd die if I had to give up cheesecake."

"That isn't anything you'll ever have to worry about, lover. Come."

He reaches for her, but then has an idea and turns to the actor at the last moment.

"Oh, and you like to play Lego Batman on your Wii, and you enjoy Russian Hop-Hop music."

'Lego BATMAN!?' the actress thinks with surprise.

'RUSSIAN Hip-hop!??' the actor repeats. 'I'm asking for a raise.'

"Bill doesn't like hip-hop music!" she scolds as he takes her arm again.

"I know," he snickers as he pulls them out of the trailer.

"What was that for then?"

"They had him playing golf and listening to Cambodian music in Season One."

"I thought you told me you've never watched the show," she accuses as he nearly drags her away from the trailer.

"I haven't. I read the spoilers on the on-line message boards," he admits, scenting the wind. 'Okay, so, wrong European…' He catches a whiff of another potential subject and homes in. 'Scandinavian even. Gotchya.' "Come, lover. This way."

She tries to drag her feet and otherwise be a burden, but that just makes him pick her up again.

"Eric! Eric, no. We have to get out of here. You've already broken into one trailer and scared the actors! I've had enough!" she yells.

"Oh, you haven't had nearly enough, lover, and you know it. In fact, half of your problem tonight is that you haven't had any yet," he coos, setting her down outside another trailer. "But don't worry, lover. I'll take care of you many times before the night is over."

"Eric, I swear to you, if you don't take me out of here right now, I'm not going to have sex with you…"

He opens the trailer door (this one is unlocked) and pulls them in. As they enter, they startle a man who was seated at a table. The man has dark blonde hair and blue, blue eyes.

"For… a…"

The man stands and he just keeps going up, up, up. She stops short and stares.

"Whole… week…" 'Holy smokes!'

"Now this is more like it," Eric says with a grin.

"Can I help you?" the man asks. 'Vad är det här för människor, egentligen?' ::Who are these people?::

The actor's voice is soft and slightly accented. Her knees go weak, but Eric doesn't seem to notice.

He likes what he sees, and he gives the man the once over. The actor is about the same height as he is, and he has blue eyes, but his hair is much darker than Eric's golden blonde and it's much shorter. Still, it could be worse. 'Not bad. Not bad at all. He's nowhere near as good looking as me, but…'

"Who are you? What do you want?" the man demands.

Eric grins. "We're here to help you."

'Vem fan är den här killen?' ::Who the hell is this guy?:: "You shouldn't be in here."

"Oh, I go where I want," Eric replies. "Right Sookie?"

She doesn't answer. She's still too busy staring. 'He's so… wow.'

"Sookie?" He waves a hand in front of her face. 'Hello, your vampire blood-bonded is right here.'

"Huh? Did you say something?" she asks absently.

Eric growls, stepping towards Sookie, but that only draws attention to her, and the man looks at her, his eyes widening a little.

'Snygga bröst .' ::Nice boobs.::

Sookie sees the look on the man's face, and she knows it too well. It snaps her out of her infatuation right quick.

"I dunno what you're thinkin', mister, but I bet it's fresh," she scolds with a frown.

"Can't you read his mind?" Eric questions. 'Hmm. He smells human, but if Sookie can't hear his thoughts…'

"No, I can't. He's thinking in Swedish. Hey, you're in America, buddy! Think in English!"

'Typiskt Amerikaner.' ::Typical American.::

She still can't read his thoughts, and she's getting madder. "I'm gonna slug him," she warns.

"I wouldn't do that. He has fangirls," Eric points-out.

"I think you should leave before I call security." 'Typiskt att detta ska hända just mig att en idiot och hans flickvän skulle storma in här i min trailer.' ::Just my luck some idoit brings his girlfriend here and busts into my trailer.::

"Now, now. That wouldn't be a smart thing to do. You really want to talk to me," Eric replies smoothly.

"Why would I want to do that?" 'Han ser ut som en statist i en Johnny Depp-film.' ::He looks like an extra out of a Johnny Depp film.::

Eric lets his fangs run out. "Because if you're going to play me, you'd best do right by me."

'Åh, fy fan!' ::Oh shit!:: "Shit! What the hell are you?"

"Why don't you sit down and we'll have a chat, hmm?" Eric suggests, putting a little glamour on.

'Nu dör jag.' ::I'm going to die.::

As the man obediently sits back in his chair, Sookie casts Eric a warning look. "Don't you hurt him, Eric."

"I'm not going to hurt him. If I did, they'd have to find someone to replace him, and I'd have to train a new one all over again." He turns his attention to his prey. "Now. A few pointers. Walk into a room like you own it, because chances are you do. Treat everyone as if they owe you, because chances are they do. Treat all shifters and Weres as if they are beneath you, because they are. Treat all humans, with a few exceptions, like blood bags, but treat Sookie like a queen. Got it?"

'Jag tänker be om löneförökning.' ::I'm asking for a raise.:: "Got it."

"Good. Now what else? Oh, yes. If you wear pink Lycra, wear it well. Understood?"

"Perfectly." 'Jag säger vad som helst, bara du går härifrån.' ::I'll tell you anything you want if it will make you go away.::

"Good. We understand each other then." He leans close, showing his teeth. "You're going to be bearing my name on cable television. Don't fuck it up."

'Far åt Helvete.' ::Fuck off.:: "I won't."

Eric grins. "Good. Very good."

He pulls back and turns to Sookie. "Shall we go, lover?"

She feels half glamoured herself imagining both Eric and the Swedish actor dressed in pink Lycra. 'They could be big pink and blonde bookends…'

"Sookie?" Eric asks.

She blinks and comes out of her daydream. "Huh? Oh! Yeah, can we go now?"

"Of course."

She waves to the actor and gives him a little smile. "Bye. Pleasure to meet you."

The man waves back, a strained smile on his face. "Bye." 'Gå härifrån innan jag ringer polisen.' ::Just get out of here before I call the police.::

"We will see you again," Eric says as he ushers Sookie out of the trailer. He always has to get the last word.

Once they are out of the trailer, she snaps out of it completely and turns her attention to her vampire. Yeah, the Swedish guy was really, really good looking, but he was no tall, blond, and way hot Viking.

"So, can we go home now?" she asks.

He sniffs the air again. There's one more person he wants to find, but this time he knows who to look for. "Just a little longer, lover. There's one more person I want to see."

"No. No, Eric. We saw the guy who plays you, and he's an okay guy…"

He looks at her, one eyebrow raised. "An okay guy? You were practically drooling all over him."

'Uh-oh. Busted.' "I… I was not."

'Nice try, lover.' "Sookie, Sookie… my bullshit meter is reading that as false."

'When in doubt, go on the offensive.' "Well, so what if I found him attractive? Are you jealous?"

"If I was, I wouldn't have left him in one piece," he replies honestly.

'Oh, I so did not need to know that…'

"Come, lover. This way," he says, picking her up again and carrying her away from the trailers.

"Eric. Eric, you are in so much trouble! Someone is gonna see us. Eric, I want to go home right now," she demands, but she knows it's useless. Eric has decided to do something and there will be no talking him out of it. 'I'd have better luck talking to the dead! The really dead, not the reanimated undead.'

"We'll go soon, my lover," he promises, homing in on the one he is looking for.

This one will be harder to grab because the man is not in a trailer, but he's had centuries of practice nabbing prey. 'Of course, I'm not usually hindered by a human woman who is not going to be happy about what I'm doing,' he complains.

He spies his target and he waits, keeping Sookie and himself in the shadows, watching for the right moment.

'He's huntin'. He's got that really intense look on his face,' she notices, and she knows there's no reasoning with him when he looks like that. 'Damn. What do I do?'

He sees his prey separate himself from a crowd of crewmembers. He is an older human man with a sparse beard and a round face. He has a baseball cap on his head, and he is wearing a zip-up tracksuit jacket, and he is completely absorbed in reading a set of papers in his hands. Eric waits another second for the man to get further away from the "pack" so to speak, before grabbing Sookie and streaking his way over to nab his target before she has a chance to shriek.

One of the really wonderful things about being a vampire is vastly superior strength and speed, and he uses both of these to snatch his target with one hand while carrying Sookie with the other. He has all three of them in the darkness of the surrounding trees before either of his burdens knows what is happening. They both, however, start protesting the moment he sets them down.

"Eric!" she seethes, her teeth still rattling, and she is sure some internal organs got left behind somewhere during the mad dash.

"What the hell? Who are you? What do you want?" the man protests, shoving away from the incredibly strong, tall creature that had grabbed him. 'What the fuck is going on?'

"Oh, I think you know exactly what is going on, little man," Eric answers coolly. He has some grievances with this one, and he intends to make his complaints known.

'He's spittin' mad about something,' Sookie thinks, feeling the anger across the bond. "Eric. Eric, what's going on? Who is this guy?"

'Eric!? That can't be. We were assured that the vampires had signed a non-interference agreement!' "You shouldn't be here. You promised not to interfere!"

Eric has his hand around his prey's throat in an instant. He is not squeezing hard enough to choke the man, but he is putting enough pressure on the skin to make sure he has his undivided attention. "And you made a few promises yourself in order to secure that non-interference, and Alan, darling, you haven't kept your word. Tsk, tsk, tsk. You really ought to know better."

He would scream if he could, but the vampire is preventing him from taking a deep breath. 'They warned me about this one. I should have listened…'

"Eric! You let him go right now!" Sookie demands, but she can hear the other man's thoughts, and she knows there is guilt on both sides. "And you! What did you do? Were you dumb enough to break a deal with a vampire?"

He looks at the petite blonde standing next to the creature. She is very pretty with an impressive rack. 'Is that the real one? Nice boobs.'

She wants to yell in frustration and slap the man silly. "You got a vampire holding you by the throat and all you can think about is my boobs? Are you nuts?"

Eric growls and squeezes harder, making his prey squirm. The scent of the man's fear is exciting and his fangs come down. "Are you thinking bad things about my lover? Be more respectful."

The pressure of the hand around his throat brings him back to reality and he struggles to breathe. 'Will he really kill me?' "Are you going to kill me?" he rasps, noting absently that he has the costumers putting the fake fangs on the wrong teeth.

"I won't kill you, but I can make you wish I would," Eric replies.

"You better start explaining yourself, mister, otherwise he's gonna leave scars," Sookie warns the man. 'What is it with people thinkin' they can make deals with vamps and then break 'em?'

"I have creative license," he argues, but he knows it's futile.

"That you do, and I can't say that I'm unhappy about some of the changes you've made. Saddling Bill with an annoying newborn vampire sounds amusing enough to get me to watch your little production, but I have heard and seen some other things that make me mightily displeased," Eric warns. 'Mightily, mightily displeased.'

'Damn spoilers!' he thinks and scrambles mentally. "Ah, you can't trust anything leaked out of the PR department…"

The man's weaseling and Sookie doesn't like it. "What did you do?!"

Eric squeezes harder and adds a little shake. "I believe what I see, and as you can see, I have long hair."

"You cut his hair?" she blurts, appalled.

"There were complaints about the wig!" the man explains.

"You cut his hair?" she repeats, gritting her teeth. 'You cut a Viking's hair? No wonder Eric's pissed at you!'

"I don't give a fuck about the damn wig. Any mortal playing me will have long hair, understood?"

"Understood," he agrees, sweating. 'When in doubt, just agree then do your own thing. Tis better to beg forgiveness than ask permission…'

Sookie shakes her head. "That ain't gonna work, Mister. Vamps ain't the forgivin' kind." 'I can't believe they cut Eric's hair.'

He gulps, really starting to realize the precariousness of his situation. "O-okay. Northman has long hair. What else?"

Eric grins wickedly, seeing the surrender in his prey's eyes. 'You're giving up. Good. Very good. Not that I wouldn't have tortured you, but it probably would have ruined my chances to have sex with Sookie.' "I'm never an asshole to my customers without good cause. It's bad for business. I enthrall the vermin, not insult them."

"But the fans love it when you're a bad-ass!" he argues.

"Bad-ass, yes. Degrading prick, no. They call me the Viking Douche," Eric says, offended.

'The Viking Douche??' she thinks, trying not to laugh.

"It's not funny," Eric complains. "Do you know what a douche is?"

'Do I know?…' "Yes, Eric, I know what a douche is, and I assure you that you are definitely not one," she cajoles. 'Nothing is worse than a vampire's wounded pride.'

"It's a term of endearment," the man argues.

"Endearment? I think not." Eric replies.

"Okay, okay, I'll tell the writers to make you nicer," he agrees.

"Oh for fuck's sake, don't make me nicer. Just make me not a prick."

"Not a prick. Right."

Sookie giggles. "You, nicer."

"I can be nice," he counters, waggling his eyebrows at her. 'I can be very nice. And I plan to be very nice to you shortly.'

She sees the heat in his eyes, and feels his lust, and shivers. 'I am in so much trouble…'

Eric grins at his lover and licks his lips, but a shudder from his prey brings him back to the moment, and he returns to the matter at hand.

"And give me some fight scenes. Make sure that Swede you have playing me can use a sword," he suggests.

"Fight scenes. Sword. Okay. What else?"

"The pink Lycra for the orgy is a must, and you will film the shower scene from the fourth book in Season Four," he adds, smiling a little with fond memories.

'This guy's not asking for much, is he,' the man thinks sarcastically. "If there's a fourth season."

"There will be a fourth season, trust me," Eric assures his captive with the conviction of someone who knows.

"Okay. Lycra for the orgy and the shower scene in Season Four. Anything else?" 'Oh high and mighty, arrogant asshole?'

"Hey, watch your language, buster," Sookie warns.

Eric grins, showing his fangs. "Just one more thing that you need to remember," he begins, then puts his face directly in front of his captive. "I get the girl."

The man trembles, staring into the vampire's cold eyes, then suddenly he is unable to move and he feels as if he is out of his body. 'So this is what being glamoured feels like…'

"In a moment, I will let you go, and you will stagger back to your little film set. You won't remember our visit, but you will remember the finer points of our conversation," Eric says, impressing his will on his prey. "If you are questioned, you will say that you went into the woods to pee, got scared by a Louisiana mosquito, and ran into a tree. You hit your head, but you're fine now."

"Louisiana mosquito?" Sookie repeats, amused.

"They're very big and scary. The terror of the swamps."

She snorts and shakes her head. "Uh-huh. And they have blond hair and two legs as well."

"Of course. They're incredibly handsome and irresistible too," he reminds, smoldering at her. Now that his task here is done, he can turn his attention to more pleasurable pursuits.

"Don't forget irritatingly full of themselves," she teases, but when he looks at her that way, she just goes to mush inside.

He preens.

"You wanna let that guy go so we can get out of here?" she suggests.

He suddenly remembers that he is still holding his glamoured prey by the throat. "Oh yes, of course. You may go," he agrees, releasing his captive.

The man drops to the ground and clunks his head on a tree trunk.

"Ouch. Is he gonna be okay?" Sookie asks, wincing in sympathy.

He gives the man a quick scan before taking his lover by the waist and pulling her close. "He'll be fine. Now, my lover, shall we go over to that set and give them a demonstration on proper human-vampire relations?"

She puts her hand on his chest even as she is drawn closer. "How about you take me home, and we'll act out a few scenes in private."

He purrs and bends to kiss her. "I like that idea. I think we should also rehearse our lines as well."

"Just get me to the car and get us home." 'Before I abandon my no sex in the Corvette rule.'

He sighs and seizes her lips with his, picking her up and flying with her to the car. Her taste and scent have him hard already, and he struggles to keep himself in check. 'If only she'd break her no sex in the car rule…'

He gets her into the car as quickly as he can and starts it, revving the engine in his impatience, then he steps on the gas and peels them back on the road.

'Gotta get us back fast,' he thinks, his need turning desperate.

For once, she doesn't care that he drives like a madman because he covers the 45-mile distance back to his house in Shreveport in under twenty minutes. He kisses her deeply as he unhooks her seatbelt and pulls her from the car, carrying her into the house. They don't make it to the bedroom, but they do make it to the couch. She doesn't care because his hands are everywhere, tugging at her clothes as he continues to ravage her mouth with his tongue.

She is hot and panting, and she smells incredible. It takes everything he has not to rip her clothes off, but he manages to get her shirt and jeans off intact. Her bra, however… that is a casualty of war, and he claims his spoils as he palms the breasts everyone ogles, but only he can touch. She arches into his hands, and that just makes him ache harder for her.

'Oh Sookie. Sookie.'

He kisses them, laving the nipples with his tongue and suckling. Her blood is so close to the surface, he can almost taste it in his mouth, but he holds off biting because it's not the right time. He feels her clawing at his shirt and lifts up long enough to let her pull it off over his head.

"My lover…"

His shirt comes off, revealing his perfect chest, and she caresses his nipples and sides as she lets her hands slide downward to undo his jeans. He's gone commando so he pops out practically in her hands, and she uses one hand to stroke him while the other slips into the jeans to fondle his balls. He groans like a wounded animal and sighs her name.

"Sookie…"

Her hand is around his cock, all hot and soft around his hardness. He can almost feel her pulse in her palm, and it drives him nearly out of his mind. He rips off her panties and pushes two fingers into her, praying to Thor that she is ready for him because he can't wait much longer. She gasps and jerks and spreads her legs.

'Yes,' he rejoices as he feels a surge of wetness in his palm.

"Ah! Oh Eric…" she moans, arching up into his hand, and she prays he will take her soon because she's too far gone for preliminaries. "Please…"

"Sookie…"

She feels him grip her under her thighs to move her into position right before he pushes in, and she can feel his whole length thrusting into her, filling her right up. She cries out and digs her nails into his biceps as he starts riding her hard. It's so good. He's so good.

'Eric. Eric. Eric.'

Hot. Tight. Wet. She's amazing. She knows how to clamp down on him, how to squeeze her muscles around his cock, and make him growl. He growls now, pumping into her with tempered force. He can tell she wants it hard, but he has to be careful or he'll break her pelvis. It doesn't help that she's writhing beneath him and moaning his name.

'Sookie. Holy fuck, Sookie.'

She knows she's mewing and clawing at him, but she can't get enough of him, of his hardness, his tongue, and his fangs grazing her neck. He's thrusting so hard he's moving the couch across the hardwood floor, but that only makes her beg for more. She arches up, spreading her legs wide to force him deeper, and she feels him hit her G-spot.

"Gah! Eric…"

'Gotchya,' he thinks with a grin, and aims for the spot again. She convulses beautifully and tightens her walls around him.

She's building; he can sense and smell it, and he urges her towards her climax. Her cries get louder, and she gets hotter and tighter until she's right on the edge. He arches over her, lowering his mouth to the inside of her arm and bites down into the brachial artery just as she screams and lets go.

She comes on his cock, the rippling waves of her orgasm milking his own out of him as the sweet taste of her blood fills his mouth. He swallows and lets out a roar as he empties inside her, pushing in as far as he will go and giving her several more thrusts geared at making her come again. She obliges him and shudders all around him, quivering and gasping.

"Oh God Eric…"

He makes her come twice and feeds from the artery on the underside of her arm where no one will see. She feels him climax right before he makes her come the second time, and the smug look on his face as he gazes down at her just makes her want to laugh.

"You are a prick, you know," she teases gently when she's caught her breath.

He grins. "No. I have a prick, and I know how to use it."

"I'll say," she agrees as he gathers her into his arms.

"Well, you do have firsthand knowledge of my considerable prowess," he comments as he walks both of them to his bedroom naked.

'It's a good thing I have that Word-of-the-Day calendar otherwise I would have no idea what he just said,' she thinks as he carries her Scarlet O'Hara-style to his bed. 'Well, except Scarlet wasn't naked…'

He lays her down on his mattress and steps back, smiling down at her.

"What are you smiling at?" she teases, smiling back.

"You, in my bed. You're perfect in it. Especially as you are now." 'You really are truly incredible.'

"It's not perfect if you're not in here with me," she purrs, patting the mattress beside her.

His fangs run down as he slides into bed with her, taking her into his arms. 'She always knows exactly what to say to make me feel like the luckiest vampire in the world.' "Perfect now?"

She snuggles up, curling against him. 'He's cool, but he has a warm heart.' "Yeah."

He runs his fingers through her hair and sighs with contentment. 'She's right. It's perfection being here with her.' "Good."

"You know, I am mad at you," she comments nonchalantly.

"Oh? You are?" 'She is? What did I do now?'

"Yeah. I know it's hard to tell, but I am still mad about you crashin' that film set and scaring those actors and stuff."

'Oh. That…' "Would it help if I said I was sorry?"

She laughs and curls her finger into his chest hair. "I wouldn't want you to violate your principles by lying."

He snickers. "Fair enough. So? Will you punish me, then?"

'That has possibilities…' "I dunno. I'm sure I can think up something… appropriate."

"Like what?"

"I dunno. Maybe I'll tie you up and make you watch really bad monster movies."

He raises his eyebrows up into his hair. 'Monster movies?' "Where on earth did you get that idea?"

She giggles and presses her face to his chest. "I'm sure I saw it on TV somewhere."

"Should I be worried?" he teases.

"About what?"

"Well, you already want life to imitate Gone With the Wind. What will we do if you want it to imitate television too?" he points out fondly, stroking her back.

"Not gonna happen."

"No?" he asks, rolling to his side.

"No."

"How do you know?"

"Coz life's better than television," she says, pressing back against the mattress as he cocks his eyebrow at her. 'Sweet Jesus, when he looks like that…'

"You really think so?"

"Mmm hmm. And you're way better looking than that Swedish guy."

He grins, showing his fangs and moves to cover her. "I'm so glad you think so."

She smiles and runs her hand along his arm. "Me too."

"Shall I show you another reason why life is better than television?" he asks, his mouth a hair's breadth from her lips.

"Oh, why's that?" 'My heart's just a racin' here. How does he do this to me?'

"You can't fuck a TV screen."

'Oh, holy smokes!' "Guh!"

He snickers and claims her mouth in a searing kiss. 'Oh yes. Life's way better than television. Indeed.'

FIN