PREVIOUSLY ON FRIENDS:
Ross is listening to a message on his answering machine.
Answering Machine Rachel: I love you, Ross.
Ross gapes. Scene blacks out for a moment and returns to same scene.
Answering Machine Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry, you can't leave the plane.
Answering Machine Rachel: I have to leave the plane! I have to tell somebody that I love them!
Answering Machine: Beep!
Ross: What? Does she get off the plane? DOES SHE GET OFF THE PLANE?!
Ross begins to shake answering machine frantically. Scene moves to Monica and Chandler's apartment, where Chandler, Monica, Joey and Phoebe are watching Ross through the window. The twins are sleeping in the bassinette across the room.
Phoebe: It looks like Ross is having a fit.
Monica: What are you talking about? Moves to window to get a better look. What's he yelling about?
Joey: I think I can tell what he's mouthing.
Phoebe: Yeah…he's saying "I want my…cooking." He's probably mad that Monica's moving. She won't be able to cook for him as often.
Monica: I never cook for him.
Joey: No, no, he's saying "I want my cookie."
Monica: It probably has something to do with Rachel.
Phoebe: Rachel stole his cookie!
Monica rolls her eyes. Theme song plays. Scene returns to Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Monica are watching the twins sleep. Joey is seated at the table eating a sandwich. Phoebe is watching Ross's apartment through the window.
Phoebe: Hey! Ross is gone!
Monica: Maybe he went to the airport!
Joey: Maybe he's going to Paris to get his cookie back!
Phoebe: He's not going to Paris just to get a cookie back!
Joey: You're right! They sell those at the coffee shop! I'll go buy him one!
Monica: Oh, that's just horrible about Ross.
Chandler: Yeah. I bet it was a Snickerdoodle.
Monica: Chandler, be quiet, I don't want the twins catching onto your joke thing.
Chandler: What's wrong with them catching onto my joke thing? You love it on me, it'll be cute on them! Jack and Erica will be sitting on the couch, Erica will fall off, and Jack will say, "Sit much?" Laughs. Those kids are going to steal my thing. I'm going to be run out of my niche by my own children!
Chandler: Okay, you're right. No more jokes around the kids!
Monica: Ross, what's going on?
Ross: Rachel is in love with me.
Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica: What?
Joey: Hey, man. Got you a cookie. Hands Ross a cookie. Now you don't have to go all the way to Paris.
Monica: Joey, Rachel is in love with Ross!
Ross: I know! But I think she's still on the plane! It doesn't matter, because I'm not going to see her ever again, and now… it's just obsolete.
Joey: It's not obsolete! What's that mean?
Ross: Never mind.
Joey: Sorry about the Rachel thing, anyway.
Ross: Ugh. It's awful.
Monica: Ross, I'm really sorry, but Chandler and Jack and Erica and I have to- takes a breath Hey! I can't say all the people in my family in just one breath! I've got a big family! Whoo!
Monica: Right. We have to move right now.
Ross: I understand. It's okay. You move into your new big house with your perfect family and I'll just stay here and throw myself off the building.
Ross: No, no, you go, really, I'm fine.
Monica: Okay. Come on Chandler.
Chandler takes the twins and follows Monica out the door. Ross turns to Phoebe and Joey and grins.
Monica (from the hall): RACHEL!
Door opens and Monica and Chandler enter towing a crying Rachel.
Ross: See? It's a surprise now!
Ross and Rachel kiss.
Rachel: I'm staying in New York!
Monica: Oh, this is great!
Monica and Rachel hug. Monica turns to Ross.
Monica: Ross Geller, you are a bad, bad person!
Rachel: Don't say that to my boyfriend! Oh, I like saying that. Ross is my boyfriend!
Ross: I love you, Rache.
Rachel: Monica, look! Gestures to herself and Ross rapidly. We're in love!
Monica: I know! This is so great!
Chandler: Monica, we still have to move.
Monica: But we have to stay here so we can watch Ross's apartment and see Ross and Rachel talking and stuff! We can spy on them like Ross spied on us!
Chandler: We can install a camera. Hurry, I think they're learning to soil their diapers simultaneously.
Monica: Okay, okay. Bye! We'll probably see you tomorrow… 'cause I bet no place in Westchester sells coffee as good as Central Perk!
Chandler: Bye! Good-bye!
Chandler and Monica exit and the scene follows them to the hall.
Chandler: Monica, we're not going to be able to see them every day.
Monica: What are you talking about?
Chandler: Well, New York and Westchester are about an hour away from each other.
Monica: I've got a car.
Chandler: Yes, but Rachel, Ross, and Joey don't. Your car will pretty much be a taxi for them. You might as well paint it yellow now and-
Monica: Chandler, no jokes around the kids.
Chandler: Right. Sweetie, we're a family now. We're not going to be hanging out with our friends all the time now. At most, we'll probably only see them about three times a week, and it won't be like we've always done, because we'll have to go home early so we're there in time to put the twins to bed. You have to realize that our life doesn't revolve around our friends now.
Monica (sadly): Okay.
Chandler: Okay. I love you, honey.
Monica: Love you, too.
They kiss and walk down the stairs. Scene returns to Monica and Chandler's old apartment.
Rachel: We should probably leave. I mean, who owns this apartment now?
Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh, Ross should buy it! That would be so cool! You could be the new hostess.
Rachel: You mean host.
Phoebe: I mean hostess.
Ross: Guys, I'm not going to buy this apartment. I've got a great apartment.
Phoebe: But this has always been the place where we hang out! We're probably going to end up here most of the time subconsciously!
Ross: Joey will keep you from trying to come in here.
Joey: Joey will do what? Anyway, I think you should buy this apartment, because I want to finish my sandwich.
Rachel: Ross, I really think you should buy this apartment.
Phoebe: You really should, Ross, you know he can't walk and eat.
Ross: Hm. Okay…Okay! I will! I'll go see if I can catch Monica and Chandler! I've got to tell them that I love this apartment!
Ross runs out of the apartment.
Phoebe: He's been doing that a lot lately.
Scene ends and opens outside the building, where Monica is waiting outside her Porsche impatiently as Chandler sings to the twins in the backseat.
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: I'm trying to get them to sleep so they don't cry and startle you while you're driving!
Monica: Startle me?
Chandler: Fine, so they don't startle me and make you stop the car.
Enter Ross from the building, unseen yet by Monica and Chandler.
Monica: Hurry up, we should have left by now!
Ross: Why are you in such a hurry to get away from us, Monica?
Ross: Yeah. A representative of the group of people you "should have left by now".
Chandler: Oh, great, now they're awake again!
Monica: Chandler, get in the passenger seat and let me deal with my brother.
Chandler shuts the back door where the twins are, gets in the passenger's seat, and closes the car door.
Ross: Why are you so mad?
Monica (sadly): Chandler says I won't be able to see you guys as much.
Ross: Oh, Mon, of course you will.
Chandler (from the car): No she won't! Don't get her hopes up, I hate letting her down!
Monica: Then don't! You know, I'm starting to think that I'm in a dangerous…controlling relationship.
Chandler: It's not a controlling relationship- it's a marriage.
Monica: Then why are you telling me what I can and cannot do? You're not the boss of me!
Chandler: And you're not three years old.
Monica: You aren't supposed to be making wisecracks around the twins!
Monica: Well, it's hard for me to think about hardly seeing my friends.
Ross: Monica, I sort of needed to talk to you…
Monica: Ross, I can't deal with this right now.
Chandler: Sweetie, don't be angry. This is for our family. That's the only reason you can't spend all your time with your friends. I want the best for our family.
Monica: I know. I'm sorry, Chandler. I love you.
Chandler: I love you, too.
Chandler tilts his head up to kiss Monica through the window. Monica begins leaning down to kiss him, but pulls back abruptly.
Monica: I can't believe I almost got lip prints on the window! Ugh, I must be tired.
Chandler rolls his eyes. Monica walks around the front of the car and begins to step into the driver's seat.
Ross: Wait! I wanted to talk to you about something important.
Monica: Ross, we're getting a really late start, can you tell us later?
Ross: Well, it's not really a statement, more of a question. Ironically, though it is not a statement, I need a statement from you, so, because I didn't specify what "it" is, it isn't incorrect to say "it's a statement", but-
Monica: Ross! Really?
Ross: Can I have the apartment?
Monica: Take it! It's yours! Just talk to Trigger, he'll organize the rent and everything! Tell them bye! We have to go. Bye!
Monica gets into the car and drives away.
Night falls. Scene opens at Ross's apartment, where Rachel and Ross are sitting on the couch watching a movie.
Rachel: Ross, I know we just got back together, but where exactly are we?
Ross: Well…we dated for a year…then I SLEPT WITH SOMEBODY ELSE WHILE WE WERE NOT ON A BREAK!
Rachel: That's right.
Ross: And then we broke up for a year, got back together, broke up again after a day, I married Emily, said your name at the wedding, you said you loved me, we got divorced, we got married in Vegas, I fell in love with you again-
Rachel: What? You were in love with me then?
Ross: Yeah. That's…really why I wanted to stay married.
Rachel: Wow. I didn't know. Ross, I'm sorry for how mad I got at you, I really didn't know what you were going through.
Ross: Don't be, don't be, it's fine. Anyway, we got divorced, kissed when Monica and Chandler got engaged, we had a baby together, then…you decided to go to Paris, we had one more amazing night together, and then I realized that I still loved you, and I ran to tell you…and when you got on the plane…Rache, that was the worst I've ever felt…knowing that you were leaving forever- that I's never see you again…
Rachel: Ross, I'm so sorry. I was confused, and-
Ross: No, don't apologize. When I heard you say that you loved me back, on the phone, it was the best I had ever felt, and it didn't matter that I thought you were going to Paris. You loved me, and that was wonderful.
Ross: Then, I saw you in the hallway, we kissed, and here we are.
Rachel: Wow. We should go with Joey and talk to the writers of Days of Our Lives.
Ross: I know!
Rachel: But… I still… I mean, is this like our first date or have we been together for nine years?
Ross: Rachel… I don't really know where we are, but I know we're in the right place.
Rachel: Me too.
They move closer to each other and return their focus to the television. Scene ends and opens at Monica and Chandler's apartment, where they are playing with the twins.
Monica: Peek-a-boo! Ow. Poked myself in the eye.
Chandler: You know, in some parts of the world, that's-
Chandler: I know, I know. It's just so hard to stop! It's like when I quit smoking.
Chandler: It's like when I quit smoking every week!
Chandler: Every day! It's like when I quit smoking every day! Happy now?
Monica: Not really. My husband's a lying smoker who forbids me to be with my friends.
Chandler: He sounds like a jerk.
Monica: He also doesn't listen when I tell him not to joke around our children.
Chandler: I bet he'll stop being such a jerk if you let him make his jokes.
Monica: And maybe I will if he lets me see my friends.
Chandler: Hey kids, we're talking about me. The third person might confuse you…I still haven't caught on.
Monica: I'll get the keys.
Chandler: I'll get the joke book!
Chandler and Monica exit the house with the twins. Credits appear on the screen.
Phoebe and Joey are in Joey's apartment.
Joey: I just realized something. We didn't end up together. Chandler and Monica, Rachel and Ross…and now I'm alone and you're with a guy I randomly found at the coffee shop.
Phoebe: You know…we could have just one…night…together…
Phoebe slaps him.
Phoebe: Joey, I'm married!
Phoebe stands to leave.
Joey: I know! I was just testing you! You're a very faithful wife!
END OF SHOW