Ever wondered how Reno managed to pick up hot chicks day by day, night by night, within the blink of an eye? Or have you ever wondered how Reno managed to keep that flaming red hair tame throughout even the tougest, longest, most savage battles (or certain other situations...)?
If so, make sure to pick up the extended version of 'Reno's Guide to Dating'. It's foolproof (unless Sephiroth is involved, but that's a different story). Just make sure you don't read this segment of it, because, well...just don't. I mean, you don't want me to get fined for posting illegal material on Fanfiction, do you? Uh...Don't answer that.
Why did I put this up then, you ask? Oh, you know, I thought it would be fun to go against the law and put an unauthorized story up. You know, be a 'rebel'. (Okay, the truth is, Cloud, you know, hating Reno and all, wanted to leech all the money out of him through his 'Guide', but with Shinra being on his back and all, uh, he saw me as the perfect victim to do his dirty work. Okay, please, make sure you don't tell-OH CRAP, HELP!!!! No Sir, wait! I didn't mean it! I'm sorry!!! I'M SORRY!!!)
Cloud rules. Reno sucks, and he don't own nothin' Final Fantasy. Neither does this asshole of a Queen. I mean seriously, why call yourself QueenAlla when you clearly aint no Queen?
Uh, as I was about to say, The End. Oh, and DON'T enjoy this piece of Shinra s***.
3. Types of Girls
4. Looking Approachable
5. Finding the Girl
6. Catching the Girl
7. Examples of Successful Relationships
8. Examples of Failed Relationships
Sup. I'm Reno of the Turks, the hot, sexy, intelectuale, fun-loving, funny, and probably drunken author of this friggin awesome masterpiece. With me and my crappy excuse for grammar, imagination, and spelling skills, it took me ages to write this thing. So you'd better enjoy-Oooh look, a donut! Chocolate flavoured!!! Score!!!
Hello again. It's me, the hot, sexy, intelectual (I'm getting there), fun-loving, funny, and probably drunken Reno of the Turks. Elena says I'm an idiot with the attention span of a retarded monkey, but I reckon she's just tryin' to let her bad habits rub off on me.
I'd like to thank the gorgeous, sweet, innocent cutie-pie Elena for fixing up my stupid grammar and spelling mistakes, although she didn't fix the word intellectual because she reckons it makes me look dumber. (That sentence was written by me, Elena! :D Hi! I'm famous now!!!)
And also QueenAlla Publishing for publishing my epic novel-I mean, Guide. But I will write a novel. It's gonna be this story about two overly hot guys who are like, super strong and like to whoop blonde guy's, chocobo resembling asses. And then they go on this cool adventure to outer space and they find this rock that-uh, destroys the universe, and then we save the world. I mean, they save the world. Heh (Rude said to shut up).
As I was typing, I...Uh, what was I typing? Oh yes, I'd like to say, I don't have a clue what I'm supposed to write in an introduction. So can we just cut to the chase and start this damn thing? Yes? Okay, thankyou Rude! Geez, you'd think I was trying to publish some dating guide or something with all this crappy criticism I'm getting...
Enjoy my guide, and good luck scoring chicks! Make sure you tell me if you actually get any using this guide, 'cause if you do, I'll give you the deed to everything I own (fat chance). Or guys, depending if you're gay or whatever (Oh but the deed thing doesn't apply to if it's a guy you picked up. No, it's nothing personal, Rude, it's just...).
I, the very innocent, truthful Reno of the Turks, hereby do not take credit for the amount of slaps, punches, or other forms of physical abuse (aka punishment) taken by the victim. I also do not take credit for any other unfortunate events that may/may not take place. However, I do take credit for all successful pick up lines, dates, one-nighters, and the like. Okay, I'm gonna shut up now, Tseng says this is the biggest load of bullcrap he has ever heard. And when Mr Aravensupmyass says that, he means that.
Chapter 1-Types of Girls:
What I've found, during my travels, is that there is no perfect girl. To help you understand my fuzzy-logic, I've written ten profiles of the girls out there you're most likely to find. Each one has a major good point, and a major bad point, which is why I say there is no perfect one. Damnit, I'm not even makin' sense! Just read the stupid thing... (Warning-Extreme Offense may be taken)
The Good: Sexy as hell and too dumb to say no.
The Bad: Too stupid to know how to take your clothes off.
The Verdict: For the easygoing, carefree type.
Example: That girl in my bed...
The Single Female Lawyer (aka smart chicks):
The Good: Usually as pretty as the blonde, if not prettier. Oh, and rich. Very rich.
Oh, and she even knows how to take off clothes!
The Bad: Too smart to say yes. And will most likely scoff and bitch slap you her large sum of gil notes.
The Verdict: Don't even bother, unless you're her oh so sexy co-worker.
Example: Elena of the Turks.
The Good: So desperate she'll say yes to anything.
The Bad: Uhm...Ugly? Doesn't that say it all?
The Verdict: For the ugly, the desperate, and the desperately ugly.
Example: Yo mama.
The Good: Knows all the right places.
The Bad: Would kill you if you even hinted at it.
The Verdict: For the very daring. You know what? Just don't even go there.
Example: I don't know their names...You know those sisters of Sephiroth? Those three?
The Good: Too shy to say no. And often very pretty.
The Bad: Too shy to say yes, and too quick to take advantage of.
The Verdict: For the quick, cunning, and plain cruel (not me).
Example: Too many to name.
The Good: *drools at sexiness* Er, um...Very kind hearted?
The Bad: Will slap you if you screw up. And can be overly vicious.
The Verdict: For the popular and the hot only. If you're anything else, be prepared to run for the hills.
The Sweet, friendly, innocent, cute...*begins to weep*:
The Good: See above.
The Bad: So rare it just aint funny. Girls like these only come around every couple
of hundred years, and even then most of them die off.
The Verdict: If you find her, get her, even if it takes the rest of your life.
Example: Aerith (according to Tseng)
The Good: I can't think of any except that she scares the sh** out of ya. Wait, that aint good, is it?
The Bad: Usually as ugly as a brute, and will punch you at any signs of movement.
The Verdict: For the daredevil, or the death seeker.
The Good: Double the fun!!! *faints from hotness*
The Bad: Double the squeeze...
The Verdict: The closest thing you'll get to perfect, depending on the type of twins (and let's not go there).
Example: Oh, how I wish I had one...Oh, don't get discouraged, there are plenty out there...
The Good: Will be the one chasing you.
The Bad: Those cheap jokes aren't all that entertaining when you're trying to focus.
The Verdict: For the bored, the patient (yeah, right!) and the lonely.
Aaand therefore, I'd say your perfect girl depends on the type of person you are. For me, I'd go with any. I'm a goddamn sexy man, I can deal with any chick that comes my way. Except maybe Barret and those freaky silver sistas. Actually, scratch the silver sista thing ;)
So anyways, once you've chosen your victi-I mean, desired target, continue on to chapter 2, where you'll learn how to look your best for that lucky lady.