Author note: I really wasn't planning on doing a Byakuya/Renji story just yet, because I was still working on a drabble for my other story, Of Apricots and Bluberries. But this just popped into my head when I was doing calc homework and it was too fun to pass up, so here it is!

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Street Smarts

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Renji fidgeted.

His captain leveled an exasperated glare towards his subordinate. Dressed in all black, with a green bandana tied around his head and a green scarf wrapped around his neck, Renji was already attracting enough attention for both of them. "Stop twitching." He instructed severely, adjusting his own conservative suit.

"I'm sorry, taichou," muttered the redhead, glancing at his captain. "It's just that that old woman over there keeps winking at me."

Byakuya's grey eyes moved a fraction to the right, and indeed, leaning against the wall of the alleyway, a few meters in front of them, was an elderly lady who was happily eyeing his uncomfortable fukutaichou's crotch. He noted with slight disgust that the woman's saggy, doughy flesh was all but spilling out of her tight leather clothing. "Ignore her. Keep walking."

Renji obediently took a few steps forward, but then he glimpsed something that made him die a little inside. "There are chunks of her makeup flaking off and she has black lipstick on her teeth!" he wailed miserably. "Kuchki-taichou, can we please turn back?" Byakuya kept walking. "Taichou!" Renji really, really did not want to walk past that woman. He had a feeling that something bad would happen if he did.


Gritting his teeth, Renji followed his captain, resisting the urge to shunpo past the woman. Normal, normal, normal, he chanted silently. For a minute, the alley was silent, save for the sound of hurried steps and agitated breathing.

Then Renji screamed.

"OH GOD!" He shrieked, lurching forward and automatically latching onto the only sense of safety his flustered mind could think of: Byakuya. He actually jumped onto the stoic noble and tried to climb him like a tree.

"Can I help you?" Byakuya snapped. (There might've been the slightest shadow of concern in the noble's irritated question. After all, Renji wasn't a screamer. Not during the day, anyways.)

"SHE GROPED ME." His frantic fukutaichou accused.

"She," there was a dramatic pause as Byakuya slowly turned his head to gaze at the woman, now standing behind them, "what?" The old hag was definitely grinning.

"Nice and firm, sweetie!" exclaimed the woman to the quivering Renji, who was standing stiffly with his back towards her. "You'll be a treat!" She met Byakuya's cold gaze challengingly, as if daring him to thwart her.

Byakuya's gray eyes narrowed. There was a short pause. Then, without breaking eye contact with the doughy hag, he slowly reached over and boldly squeezed Renji's ass. Twice.

"Mine." He said, sternly, and gave it a little slap for good measure.

Renji realized that Byakuya was probably the closest thing he'd ever get to a knight in shining armor, and spent the rest of the day feeling a little disgruntled.

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"…and he just grabbed my ass!" finished Renji, grumpily. "Right there in the freakin' alley, in front of all the bums and prostitutes."

When Ichigo finally finished laughing his ass off, he observed, "I don't see what you're so upset about. It could've been worse."

Renji almost popped a vein. "Worse? Worse? How could it have been worse? My ass was groped three times in public!"

Ichigo looked a bit steamed. "You want to know how it could get worse? I'll tell you how it could be worse. Once, when Grimmjow and I were walking down an alley we came across a bike gang who, well, catcalled and whistled as I walked past. One of them actually had the nerve to grab my crotch. So guess what Grimmjow did? He broke their legs, and then the maniac actually ended up fucking me in the alley while they looked on. I still don't know if he was just horny or he wanted to prove a point. How's that for worse?"

Renji swore to himself that he would make sure Grimmjow and Byakuya never met.

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Author Notes: Byakuya and his pride! 8D We all know about that, of course, and how upset he'll probably get if he catches people touching things that belong to him.