Family Guy

Episode I: The Magical Testicle

Fanfiction Summary: Remember when Family Guy parodied Star Wars with "Blue Harvest"? Well, Peter is taking advantage of a snow storm by retelling the story of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone with the Family Guy cast. See below for cast list. (Note: This is not a crossover fanfic, so I will be posting it under the regular Family Guy section.)

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Family Guy do not belong to me. They belong to J.K. Rowling and Seth MacFarlane respectively.



It was a dark and stormy night, and Quahog, Rhode Island was in the middle of one of its worst storms in years, as snow was pounding down from the sky, with already nearly a foot of snow on the ground.

The family was gathered in the living room, watching the news as to when this snow storm were to end.

"Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker."

"And I'm Diane Simmons. And this is a Channel 5 news weather watch report."

"The weather outside is frightful, but the fire may not be so delightful. Temperatures are dropping at a rapid rate, having already dropped from 7 degrees to 3 below zero in this past hour alone, and new weather reports predict that it's only going to drop even more before the night's end."

"That's right, Tom. And here with more on our weather watch report is Channel 5 Asian correspondent Trisha Takanawa."

The TV screen switched over to Trisha Takanawa standing outside in the freezing weather, wearing an extremely heavy coat.

"That's right, Diane. I'm standing outside in the mist of this grueling snow storm. Reports are predicting more than 16 inches of snowfall before night's end, and a drop in temperature to about 30 below zero before night's end. Wind chills are reported at -40, and winds have been reported at 40-50 miles per hour in the tri-state area. Already over 15,000 homes are without power, and that number is estimated to increase to at least 30,000 before tomorrow. We'll have live coverage of this storm as it happens. Out in Quahog, Rhode Island, I'm Trisha Takanawa, Channel 5 news."

The TV screen switched back to Tom & Diane.

"Thank you, Trisha." Tom said. "Coming up at the top of the hour, we'll have ways for you to stay warm in these harsh times. Plus, little 8-year old Sandra Cantu found murdered in a black suitcase. We'll have all the details coming up next."

The Griffins, upon hearing the news of the storm getting worse, started to worry.

"Aw man, this storm's getting worse. We're never gonna get outta here." Peter said, as he started shivering. "Brr, it's freezing in here. I better turn up the heat." He stood up and walked over to the thermostat and tried to turn the knob, but instead, it broke off. "Son of a bitch!"

"What is it, Peter?" A worried Lois asked, as Peter returned to the couch in a defeated manner.

"What the hell does it look like? The f#cking knob broke. We're without heat now!"

"Oh my god! No heat!?"

"Yes Lois, now do you have to repeat everything I say!? Jeez, this is even worse than when I was an assasain."

(Cue Cutaway)

We cutaway to a small, Chicago home where Darnell Donerson, and Jason Hudson, Jennifer Hudson's mother and brother, are sitting on the bed, quietly reading. The front door suddenly swings open and Peter jumps into the room, a .45 caliber in hand. He points it at both of them as they scream in terror.

"W-W-What the hell is this!?" Jason yelled out in terror.

"I've been assigned to kill you. Now I hope you aren't wearing fresh underwear...because when people die, they void their bawls."

Jason sighed defeat. "Oh alright. If this is what's meant to me, it's meant to be. So just do it, man. Hit me with your best shot." And then as if this was that gay movie "High School Musical", he and Darnell broke out into song.

Hit me with your best shot
Hit me with your best shot
Hit me with your best shot
Fire away!

But as soon as they did, Peter became pissed off, and then just started shooting them uncontrollably. "F#ck you, you sons of bitches! Jennifer Hudson sucks and disco is so 2004!"

(End Cutaway)

"Great! So now we're without heat in a freezing snow storm!" Lois exclaimed. "What the hell are we supposed to do now!?"

"Do I look like I know, Lois!? Jesus, this hasn't happened since we bought this house! God can't fail us now! He can't fail us Catholics when Mel Gibson has alreayd failed the Jews!"

(Cue Cutaway)

We cutaway to Mel Gibson at a press conference, where he is about to issue an apology to the Jews.

"I'm really, really sorry about your big noses. I'm really sorry about how greedy you are. But most of all, I'm really sorry about your dirty, underhanded, back-stabbing ways. Your #1 dity Jew fan, Mel Gibson."

(End Cutaway)

"Well whatever happens, at least we have each other." Lois said, hoping to raise their enthusiasm, and while she did for a moment, that completely faded when the TV screen came back on to the news room.

"Breaking news coming in right now. We are following the '09 Rhode Island snow storm, and it's hitting us harder than Chris Brown hit Rihanna. Right, Tom?"

"Oh yessiree, Diane. Weather reports now coming in indicate and massive 32'' of snow to hit the ground before 4 am tomorrow! The temperatures, already at record lows, are now expected to drop to a record -45 degrees by tomorrow. We'll stay on the air and have live coverage of this massive storm as it happens."

The Griffin family did not look very positive to the upcoming storm. They were now shivering more than ever.

"Dammit, this storm is never going to let up." Brian angrily muttered. "By the time it does, we'd be lucky not have adapted back to the caveman times!"

"Yeah!" Stewie shouted. "Because the only thing worse than a caveman is a Mexican! And we don't need them! I'm telling you, they're as bad as the homeless people."

(Cue Cutaway)

We cutaway to Stewie walking down the street when he passes a homeless baby holding a plastic cup.

"Spare some change, mister?" The baby asks.

"Sure." Stewie replies as he pretends to get a coin out and drops it into the cup.

"You didn't put anything in there."

"Yes I did. I put hope in there. Hope. Don't spend it in one place, tubby."

(End Cutaway)

"This is just perfect! I have to spend the next 24 hours stuck in the same room as my annoying family!" Meg shouted in frustration. She clearly was not in the mood for her family tonight.

"Well Meg, no one is forcing you to stay here. If you want to jump into the cold snow, we'll bury you in a pet cemetery."

(Cue Cutaway)

We cutaway to Peter Griffin patting down some dirt over a hole in which he had buried his daughter Meg in. Sadly, moments later, Zombie Meg sprangs out of the hole and attempts to attack Peter. But he hits her hard in the head with his hefty shovel of hardness. (Try saying that three times fast). "OK, maybe we'll bury her in a regular cemetery."

(End Cutaway)

"But dad, what are we supposed to do until the snow clears up!?" Chris asked, scared.

"Well...I think I might have an idea..."

"Peter we are not going to play "I never." Brian said. "The last time you did that, you ended up writing on Quagmire's face."

"No, no, no. Not like that. Here, I'll show you." Peter went into the kitchen and grabbed several bottles of 8 oz. Ipecac and gave one to each of them. "No, we're gonna play a drinking game I like to call. 'No you clean that up! No, you do! Cause I-Cause I'm not the one who threw up there, you did! And i-if you're not going to clean it up, then you can go f#ck yourself, you lazy back-stabbing piece of sh#t!' Now these are Ipecac bottles I bought from a drug store. Now, there's an extra chocolate bunny in the fridge leftover from Easter, and whoever goes the longest without puking can have it."

Everyone in the room took a drink out of their bottles. "OK, here we go." Two minutes, and so far, no one had thrown up. "How's everybody doing?"

"Good. Good so far." Brian said.

"Alright. Alright."

"Nothing yet." Stewie also said.

"Cool. Cool. You know, I'm not exactly sure if you guy have had any of those bunnies yet, but my god they are so f#cking delicious. I mean seriously, they're so freakin' chocolatey. I'm not even sure if it's humanly possible to eat that much chocolate in one d--BLLLAAAH!" Peter immediately started to throw up.

"Ha! One down!" Lois cheered in a victory tone. "I know someone who's not getting their grubby little hands on that bu--BLLLAAAH!" ANd with that, Lois had thrown up as well.

"Ha! Bow down, bitch! That damn bunny is mi--BLLLAAAH!" Stewie was out as well.

Soon followed by Meg and Chris, and then only Brian was left.

"Yes! Un-freakin'-believable! You can all suck my gri--BLLLAAAH!" Of course that didn't mean he was off the hook. He still drank and of course was going to throw up, it's just that he was the last one to do it.

"Oh my god, why didn't anybody stop me! I'm just a freakin' bab--BLLLLAAAHH!" Stewie threw up again, and was soon followed by Chris and Brian again.

"Oh my god my insides are on f--BLLLLLAAAAHH!" Peter was next to vomit again.

Everyone continued to throw up everywhere for the next few minutes.




"BBLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! O-OK, OK I think it's all gone." Brian said after his share of vomitting. "I think--BBBLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!" Unfortunately, the torment wasn't over.

"I don't wanna die!! I don't wanna--BBBLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

"Oh my god, what the hell was I think--BBBLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Everyone continued to throw up for another minute until finally, it did end, and everyone was physically exhausted. THey were literally laying in a pile of their own vomit. All of the feelings of nausia and exhaustion went away when they heard the back door break open and Joe, Quagmire, and a naked Cleveland entered.

"Hey guys! Boy, what a snow storm!" Quagmire said as they came in.

"Who wants Burger King?" Joe asked as they entered the living room and Joe showed them a bag of Burger King food. Upon hearing the words, everyone threw up again. But then, that was it, it was over. Everyone got themselves up, cleaned (mostly), and settled down for Burger King.

"So guys, how'd you get outta your homes?" Peter asked his friends.

"Oh, getting out of our house was easy." Joe commented. "Our driveways were another story, though."

(Cue Cutaway)

We cutaway to Joe and Quagmire leaving Joe's house with their Buger King bag. They both notice that Joe's car is covered in snow. So, Quagmire goes back into the house and gets a blower to blow the snow off the room. Then they both get into the car, and Joe attempts to back out, only to find out that the driveway is completely blocked by two feet of snow.

"Oh damn, we're being blocked!" Joe shouted. He revved up his controls and prepared to go. "OK, I'm gonna try it, but if we don't make it out, well...then we're screwed." Joe fired up his handheld controls, and threw the car into reverse at full speed. Of course, what they failed to realize was that the pile of snow was actually snow, not ice like they had anticipated. So when they backed out of the car at full speed, they plushed right through the snow pile, and swirved out of control and reverse-slammed right into Cleveland's house.

The entire front of Cleveland's house was destroyed when Joe's car crashed, and when it did, the debree from his house fell. He was in the bathtub when this happened, and when the front of his house was destroyed, so was the debree that was holding up the floorboard.

It slowly started tipping downward and the bathtub started sliding off. "No, no, no, NO, NO, NO!" Cleveland yelled as his bathtub slid right off and fell to the ground, breaking on impact. Joe and Quagmire got out of the car, and ran out (Joe wheeled out) to see if Cleveland was OK. "W-Wha' happened?" Was all he said before he passed out.

(End Cutaway)

"SO now what? I mean we're trapped in here until this damn snow clears." Quagmire pointed out. "Do-Do we-Do we all just sit down and jack off to Jimmy Kimmel trying?"

"No, that never seems to work." Peter replied. "I tried it a couple of times and they all just blew up in my face. No, I have a better idea." Peter took a giant bite out of his burger, chewed for a moment, and then finally swallowed, and then put his burger down. "Everyone...this is a story of one of the greatest legends in our history. It is a tale of not only great fiction, but it can also be jacked off too if you are such a pervert"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, h-hang on-hang on a sec." Quagmire said as he left the room for a moment, and then returned with a vile a fifth full of sperm. "Go ahead."

"Anyway -- sit back, relax, and enjoy as I retell the tale of one of our greatest legends -- the magical testicle."

"You mean a cheap movie parody?" Joe asked.


End of Prologue

Next Time: Peter retells the story of "Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone" in his own (or moreso, my own) twisted image.

Cast list (see below)

Stewie Griffin as Harry Potter
Chris Griffin
as Dudley Dursley
Carter Pewterschmidt
as Uncle Vernon
Barbra Pewterschmidt
as Aunt Petunia
Peter Griffin
as Rubues Hagrid
Brian Griffin
as Hagrid's Dragon
Herbert "The Pervert"
as Albus Dumbledore
Lois Griffin
as Professor McGonagall
Cleveland Brown
as Professor Snape
Glenn Quagmire
as The Wand Store Owner
Bertram Griffin as Ronald Weasley
Olivia Fuller
as Hermione Granger
Olivia's Playmate (Victor; Chick Cancer)
as Draco Malfoy
Future Stewie
as Professor Quirrell
Joe Swanson
as Professor Flitwick
Bonnie Swanson
as Molly Weasley

Expected Update: May 20th

Also, due to my late posting of this, the update date for "Family Guy's Road Trip: South Park" is being pushed from April 28th to May 3rd so I have enough time to actually write it. THank you for understanding.