Episode I: The Magical Testicle
Chapter 1: From the Beginning.
A/N: To clear up any confusion as to how I will address the characters, I will be addressing them as regular Harry Potter characters so to stay on topic with the story I'm posting. However, so there is no confusion later on, I'll put in parenthasis the characters they are supposed to be portraying. EX) When I mention Hagrid, I will put down Hagrid (Peter) because Peter is portraying Hagrid.
Plus, there is going to be a small change in the cast list. Instead of Cleveland playing Professor Snape, Professor Snape will be played by Glenn Quagmire, and the Wand Store Owner will be played by Cleveland. Also, Professor Quirrell will be played by The Greased up Deaf Guy. Sorry!
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Family Guy do not belong to me. They belong to J.K. Rowling and Seth MacFarlane respectively.
It was a foggy night in the street of Privet Drive, and everyone living there was fast asleep in their cozy beds. The sweet aroma of slumber consumed all those who were normal and plain, or "Muggles", as it is called in the Wizarding World, or if you live in Canada, "Rednecks". Unannounced to the muggles on this drive, a brave new hero was about to be unleashed. A hero in the shape of a little baby.
A grave old man with a long white beard who appeared to be too gay to be Santa Clause, slowly walked down the streets and headed towards a house, a house labeled #4 Privet Drive, home of the world's most prickiest people you will ever meet since Tim Russert. His name was Albus Dumbledore (Herbert), and he was the head of a prestigious wizarding school, one that our young hero will one day attend unless he comes out of the closet. As he approached the home, the old man noticed a very small gray spotted cat walking about.
"Nice night out, isn't it, McGonagall?" Albus (Herbert) said quietly as to not draw any attention. The cat, in seconds, changed forms from a small gray cat-like figure into a tall woman in a black robe.
"Professor, are you sure we should do this?" Minerva McGonagall (Lois) asked the wise old man. Unknown to anyone on the streets or anyone in the world for that matter, our prospering hero was about to be left in the hands of a very abusive and hateful group of people. They were known as the Dursleys, or as we whites call them, "The Douchebags". "I've been watching these people all day, and they are horrible people. I mean, just look what they did to that little boy!"
We cutaway to #4 Privet Drive, where an adorable little boy scout is walking up to try and sell Mr. and Mrs. Dursley (Carter and Barbra Pewterschmidt) some boy scout cookie. The boy rings the bell a couple of times before he waits patiently. Finally, Vernon (Carter) opens the door and looks grumpy at the kid.
"Good morning, sir. Would you care to buy one of my delicious boy scout cookies? We're raising money to buy new camping equipment for our troop."
"Oh, isn't that precious?" Vernon (Carter) said sweetly to the boy before speaking his next line in a malicious tone. "Honey, I've got another one!" He shouted once before pulling out a shotgun and killing the boy, causing him to drop his box of cookies. Vernon then pulled the lifeless boy into the house by his legs, leaving behind a massive trail of blood.
"Well I agree, Professor McGonagall (Lois). But this child has no other family. His parents were killed and there's no one else to leave him with. I mean, what in the world are we supposed to do? Leave him at the town dump?"
"No offense Professor, but I think he'll do much better there than here."
"Don't be a hypocryte, McGonagall. He's one of the most famous wizards the world has ever seen, and he's only a baby. If we were to put him in our world now and have him be exposed to all of this, it would seriousloy f#ck him up in the head."
"I don't know..."
McGonagall and Dumbledore were on different sides as to where they should take our young hero. Of course, their little squabble was halted abrutly when they saw some headlights in their direction. They looked over to see a big, fat person on a motorcycle coming towards them at about 85 miles an hour. ON the motorcycle was a really fat guy who worked for Dumbledore and went by the name of Rubeus Hagrid (Peter), and he had with him our hero on the back of his ride.
Unfortunately, Hagrid never really learned how to ride a motorcycle, so when he came up to the house, instead of slowly down, he instead accidentally sped up up to about 140 mph. He went so fast that he could no longer control his vehicle and instead jumped off of it with the baby before it crashed into some guy's house.
The entire front of the man's house was destroyed when Hagrid's motorcycle crashed into it, and when it did, the debree from his house fell. It was revealed to be a black man (Cleveland) and he was in the bathtub when this happened, and when the front of his house was destroyed, so was the debree that was holding up the floorboard.
It slowly started tipping downward and the bathtub started sliding off. "No, no, no, NO, NO, NO!" He yelled as his bathtub slid right off and fell to the ground, breaking on impact. "Wha' happened?"
Hagrid (Peter) paid no never mind to the incident and instead made his way back towards McGonagall (Lois) and Dumbledore (Herbert).
"Rubeus, are you OK?" McGonagall asked him as he arrived.
"Yes, Miss Bossy Pants, I'm fine. Jeez, don't get your vagina in a knot." Hagrid mocked to her. "I'm here, ain't I?"
"Yes, but where's the baby?" Dumbledore asked him angrily, getting impatient.
"What baby?---Oh god, I'll be right back!" Hagrid suddenly ran back to the scene of the crime and went to his motorcycle, and pulled out what was a tiny person wrapped in a blanket (Stewie), and then returned to McGonagall and Dumbledore. "Here he is! See, I told you I could get this little guy here in one piece. Are you sure you wanna do this, Professor?"
"He's got no one else. I mean, it's not like we can just leave him in the streets."
"I agree with Dumbledore." McGonagall (Lois) replied. "That would be even more irresponsible than silent movie porn."
"Well he's here now, and that's what's important." Hagrid agreed as he handed the baby to Dumbledore as he wiped a tear from his eye.
"Oh come on, Hagrid. Don't start on me now. Don't worry, you'll see him again." Dumbledore (Herbert) assured Hagrid.
"I know. It's just so hard to see him go. You know...for the past...11 minutes he's been like my son. I mean, this is gonna be the hardest thing I've ever done since I was on that game show."
We cutaway to Hagrid (Peter) sitting in the hotseat of the gameshow "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".
"Alright, Mr. Hagrid, your $100 question is...What is the proper term for a female reporductive organ thatis used to hold the fetus of a developing baby? A) Uterus. B) Ovary. C) Vagina. D) Nutcracker."
"Ahh....oh my god, no. I know this...I know this..." Hagrid kept saying to himself as he pondered on one of the easiest questions of the show. "I-I'm gonna have to go with D) Nutcracker."
"D) Nutcracker...A-Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure."
"Is that...your final answer?" Regis was very desperate in hoping Hagrid would change his mind and his answer.
But he didn't. "I'm sorry, Rubeus, but the correct answer is A) Uterus."
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Hagrid began to laugh hysterically. "You've got be joking! AHAHA! I mean, what the f#ck is a uterus anyway? AHAHAHA!" He believed that Regis was joking with him when he said that the correct answer was A. But when he saw that he wasn't joining in on the laughter, staying silent just like everyone in the audience, Hagrid slowly began to calm down. "Oh...oh you're serious?"
"Yes, Mr. Hagrid. You may now step down and let the next competitor go."
"Now hang on a second. I think I deserve another chance here. After all, I never studied about women before and looking at a Jew all this time made me all nervous." When Hagrid said "Jew", he was referring to Regis.
"I'm assumign this 'Jew' you spoke of is me?"
"Yeah, that's right. Go f#ck yourself."
"Don't be sad, Hagrid." Dumbledore (Herbert) assured as they all walked towards #4 Privet Drive, the home of the meanest, cruelest, blackest (not really) family in the neighborhood. Hagrid (Peter) resisted tears as they made their way there, because he knew this wasn't goodbye forever. If it was, he would've taken them to the Twin Towers and let Osama bin Laden take care of him. But seriously though, Hagrid was upset and teary-eyed.
As Dumbledore gently placed the baby boy (Stewie) down onto the welcome mat, he too had doubts that this was truly right for him. "It is for the best. He's better off not knowing...until he is ready."
"Yes...it is best for all of us to wait until we are ready." Hagrid agreed, although he and Dumbledore were on 2 different pages. "After all, if I were to accidentally touch him, he'd start crying, I'd start crying, and then 8 years later, his repressed memories would haunt us and then I'd have to give him the talk--"
"No, no, you idiot. He means about his wizarding heritage." McGonagall commented, cupping her eyebrows together.
"Oh. OH! Oh, my god! Sorry, sorry, I am so sorry! Wow, that was a bit embarassing."
"F#cking idiot." McGonagall said to herself under her breath.
"God, I can't believe that dumbass just killed this kid's parents like that. I mean, what did he ever do to them to make him angry like that!?"
We cutaway to Mr. and Mrs. Potter (Mr. and Mrs. Goldman) playing Poker with a guy in a black hoodie, and it seems the black hoodie guy is winning. He layed down his cards. "Full house!" He shouted as he took the poker chips that were on Mr. and Mrs. Potter's side. "You lose. So uh, now, it looks like you owe me $50. So fork it over!"
"Uh..." Mr. Potter stuttered as he searched his wallet for some money. "Oh god, it seems I have no cash on me." Instead, he takes out a check book. "Will you take a check?"
And then all three of them started sharing a heart-felt laugh over what seemed like a harmless joke. Although to the guy in the hoodie, it wasn't a joke.
"I'm so gonna kill you if you don't pay up." He said calmly to Mr. Potter, which was enough to make him and Mrs. Potter stop laughing and ponder on that for a moment. Then, when the two started laughing again, the guy in the hoodie pulled out a machine gun and shot them both everywhere, thus killing them on the spot.
"I know, it's just horrible." McGonagall commented, also remembering what had happened. "Over $50, too."
"And that's muggle money we're talking about." Dumbledore also added.
"Yeah, in our world, that's enough to get you a night with Helen Keller." Hagrid laughed, expecting the two other Professors to laugh with him. And when they didn't, he got the signal and stopped. "What? Too soon?"
Dumbledore (Herbert), Hagrid (Peter), and McGonagall (Lois) began to make their way away from number 4 Privet Drive. Dumbledore took one last look back at the welcome mat and saw the little baby crawl out of his little blanket and get comfortable before falling back asleep, sucking on his thumb joyfully. His head was completely bald, but it was enough to reveal a small, lightning bolt scar on his forehead.
"When the time comes, he'll be ready. Good luck...Harry Potter..."
End of Chapter 1!
I know it's short, but hey, it's a start.
Next Time: Harry Potter's (Stewie's) journey begins ten years on! How will he handle it?
Expected Update: May 25th.
Next Update: Family Guy's Road Trip: South Park -- May 15th.