I don't own anything.
Nothing but Trouble
Naruto Uzumaki awoke with a groan. He felt like shit. "What the hell did I do last night?" Something under the covers of his bed shifted and moaned. Naruto pulled up his light blanket and stared at the redheaded woman clutching him around the middle. "Oh, right. Where's the other one?" The door slid open and Naruto glanced up, fully expecting to see his other temporary bedmate. What he saw did not inspire any feeling except pure, unadulterated fear. "Rumiko?"
"Morning," the woman stated, looking every bit the prim and proper young lady in a blue yukata and stylish glasses. "It's ten. Get your ass out of bed."
"Did we sleep together last night?"
"Don't be stupid," Rumiko replied. "If you're looking for your cuddle buddy, I just ran into her walking out the front door. . ." the woman trailed off as she noticed the other woman in Naruto's bed. "Huh. Two?"
"Looks that way," Naruto replied as he tried to extricate himself from the other woman.
"Who are they?"
"I don't know. Cute though."
"I'm amazed you don't have every STD known to mankind by now," Rumiko commented as she opened Naruto's curtains and filled the dark room with blinding light.
"Bright!" Naruto whimpered as he attempted to take cover under his. . .covers.
"Don't make me drag you out again," Rumiko ordered. Naruto grumbled and finally pulled himself away from his bedmate. He climbed to his feet and stumbled to his window. Outside the sun shown down happily on the Village Hidden in the Springs and a passed out drunk in the street moaned.
"Hey, Yasu! You're in the road!"
"Thank you Captain Obvious!" the drunk yelled back.
"Are you on another bender?" Naruto asked.
"What was your first clue?"
"Smart ass." A gentle breeze blew and Naruto stretched, enjoying the feeling of wind against certain dangly bits. Rumiko turned and her jaw dropped.
"Put some pants on you God damned exhibitionist!"
"Oh, right." Naruto glanced around for his pants and frowned as he spotted them hanging from the ceiling fan. "Huh. How did that happen?"
"I never bother asking," Rumiko replied, "for my own sanity." Naruto ignored her and tried to grab his pants, but they were just out of reach. "Considering you have a meeting with the Daimyo today, maybe you should put on a new pair," Rumiko suggested.
"Yukie's back?" Naruto asked.
"Your Daimyo is set to return later this afternoon," Rumiko gritted. "I told you yesterday."
"Was I paying attention?" Naruto asked.
"Obviously not," Rumiko replied as she pinched the bridge of her nose. Naruto dug a pair of pants out of his dresser. "Not orange."
"Why not?" Naruto whined.
"No." Rumiko shoved him aside and dug through his drawer. She pulled out a pair of tan pants. "Here." Naruto grumbled and pulled on his pants. Rumiko also pulled out a light blue T-shirt and an orange silk button down. "Since you don't have anything nice that isn't orange, I guess I'll have to humor you."
"Thanks." Naruto was almost touched, but he knew better than to show it. A quiet sigh drew Naruto's attention and he noticed another bulge under his blanket. He pulled the cloth back further and stared at the second woman wrapped around the first's legs.
"Three," Rumiko noted. "Not bad, but you've done better."
"Heh." Naruto Uzumaki, leader of the Land of Spring's hidden village, grinned bashfully and scratched the back of his head sheepishly. Today was looking to be a good day.
Naruto stepped into his office and stared at his desk in horror. "What the hell?"
"Well," Rumiko began, "several foreigners are requesting business licenses, the orphanage is requesting additional funds for a day trip, the academy is requesting funds for a training trip, there are several job proposals, the kunoichi league is up to something and the rest is the paperwork you've been dodging all week."
"Oh." Naruto shuffled between two stacks of papers and tried to open the window behind his desk, but it wouldn't give. He collapsed into his seat with annoyed grunt. "Why's my window locked?"
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me," Rumiko responded. "I will not be fooled again." From behind the stacks of papers Naruto heard the lock on his door slide into place. He stood up quickly, but still couldn't quite peer over the reams of paper on his desk, so he stood on his chair. Rumiko was nowhere in sight.
"Heh. Prepare to be fooled again." He quickly began to form the seals for one of the few Fire Style jutsu he knew. This one was affectionately known as the Paperwork No More jutsu. A hand connecting sharply with Naruto's wrist shattered his concentration. "Ow!"
"Nice try," Rumiko stated.
"That wasn't what it looked like," Naruto stated quickly, shrinking back into his plush, leather swivel chair. Calm Rumiko was much more dangerous and scary then Pissed Rumiko.
"You set your paperwork on fire again and I will kill you," his aide warned. "Then I will raise you from the dead and make you fill out the duplicates." Naruto pouted and absently began folding a very official looking piece of paper into a paper football while spinning in his chair. "This also came for you today." Naruto skidded to a halt and stared at the sealed envelope marked urgent. "It's from the Kage of the Land of Fire."
"A letter from Granny?" Naruto took the envelope and began opening it.
"Oh, and I thought you would get a kick out of this," Rumiko continued. "The Land of Earth has asked us to assassinate the Fire Daimyo's wife's cat." Naruto's fingers froze.
"How much are they offering?" Rumiko stared at him.
"You're kidding, right?"
"You have no idea the pain that fur ball put me through!" Naruto roared, flailing his arms and accidentally knocking a bottle of ink onto his letter. In his excitement, he didn't even notice. "Now, how much are they offering?"
"Uh, it's actually not a bad offer, considering it's for a cat," Rumiko stated.
"Excellent! Assign the job to Yasu."
"Okay, hold the phone!" Rumiko ordered. "Knowing you the way I do, I should have known you'd take a hit on a cat, but we are not assigning Mister Explosion to do it."
"If it's worth doing, it's worth over doing!" Naruto countered. "Yui!" Naruto heard the doorknob jiggle. "Is it still locked?"
"Yes," Rumiko stated. She sighed as they heard the door explode off its hinges. "Why did you hire her as your personal assistant?"
"If I piss her off, she sometimes accidentally destroys the paper work," Naruto replied.
"I should have expected that," Rumiko commented blankly.
"Boss?" Yui asked. Naruto stood on his chair again. "Oh, there you are. Now, what the fuck do you want?"
"Go drag Yasu out of whatever bar he's in and tell him to come here," Naruto ordered. "I have a job for him." Yui's eye ticked rather violently.
"Is he going to like it?" she asked.
"Probably," Rumiko grumbled under her breath.
"I doubt it," Naruto corrected. Yui brightened quickly.
"Right away." She turned on her heel and ran back out.
"What's with that?" Naruto asked as he sat back down.
"Yui and Yasu got drunk and ended up in bed together," Rumiko stated. "Apparently, the fight they had afterwards was rather epic."
"I see." Naruto turned back to the piles on his desk. Something was bothering him, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it until, "Wait. Aren't they siblings?"
"Twins." Naruto considered that for a moment.
"Kinky," he stated finally. "So, where were we?"
"The letter from the Hokage."
"Oh yeah." Naruto glanced down at the letter still clenched in his hand and cursed as he saw its illegible state. "Oops."
"What did you do?" Naruto's shoulders hunched defensively at her tone.
"Uh, well, I kind of ruined it," he stated. "Don't worry though, it probably wasn't important." His attempt at appeasement was a spectacular failure that he paid for with a rather painful lump on his head. "Ow!"
"Damn it," Rumiko groused, pinching the bridge of her nose. "You know what? Fuck it! It probably wasn't important. After all, it was only a letter marked urgent from the Kage of the most powerful country in the world!" Naruto's eyes darted around, trying to spot a possible trap.
"Uh. . .yeah?"
"You idiot!" Naruto was saved as Yasu strolled in.
"Hey Boss. I heard you had a job. . ." The shinobi trailed off as he took in the scene of Rumiko on her knees atop Naruto's desk with her hands around his throat and papers scattered everywhere. "Do you want me to come back?"
"I don't know what you think you're implying," Rumiko snapped as she quickly climbed off the desk and straightened her yukata.
"Right," Yasu drawled. "So, what's this job?"
"How do you like cats?" Naruto asked. One of Yasu's eyebrows rose.
"I hate the furry little pricks."
"Excellent," Naruto hissed as he steepled his hands upon his desk and began cackling. "Karma's coming for you fuzzy!"
"So, what do you want to do about the letter?" Rumiko interrupted loudly. Naruto's laughter trailed off rather abruptly and he pondered that for a moment.
"Same thing I do every time something important is put before me."
"Procrastinate until it bites you in the ass?" Rumiko asked.
"Procrastinate?" Naruto repeated, sounding vaguely scandalized. "I do not procrastinate until something bites me in the ass! I much prefer to drink while I'm waiting." That stated he promptly pulled out a small bottle.
"Where did you get that?" Rumiko demanded.
"My stash," Naruto stated.
"I found your stashes," Rumiko stated flatly.
"I thought a few of my decoy bottles were missing," Naruto thought aloud as he pulled out the stopper and shot back quite a bit.
"A few?" Rumiko shrieked. "I found nearly twenty bottles!" Naruto just pressed the bottle into her hands and pulled out another. She stared at him for a moment before taking a long drink. "Namazake?"
"You have a refrigerator hidden around here?"
"I'll be going now," Yasu stated as he slinked out the door. This had all the earmarks of another window-shattering screaming match. Instead of yelling, Rumiko sat on the edge of Naruto's desk and sipped her bottle.
(:Several Weeks Later:)
"Now this is traveling!" Sakura had to laugh as she watched one of her genins happily lean back in her seat with an exaggerated sigh of pleasure. "How come we don't have these things in Konoha?"
"Actually," Sakura began, "the Land of Fire is examining the impact of railways right now."
"I thought these things were called trains," Haruka stated.
"The vehicle is a train," Sakura explained. "The system of tracks they travel on is called a railway."
"It'd be nice to have," Satomi commented. The third member of Sakura's team just kept on snoring.
"Pig," Haruka grumbled, elbowing her twin sister.
"Leave Kaori alone," Sakura ordered. Even when one of them was asleep, they kept bothering each other. 'Last time I agree to work with sisters,' Sakura decided as she looked out the window and watched the lush, green Land of Spring whip by.
"Yes?" Sakura asked, turning back to her team and noticing that Kaori had woken up.
"Who's this guy the Hokage sent us after?" Kaori asked. "He's a ninja, right?"
"That's right," Sakura answered. "Actually, he was on my genin team."
"So, he's old?" Kaori asked.
"What was that?" Sakura snapped, raising one fist threateningly.
"Nothing!" Kaori squeaked, shrinking back quickly. Sakura glared at her for a moment longer before lowering her fist.
"Anyway," Sakura began again, "Naruto was on my genin team with. . ."
"Why's he all the way out here in the Land of Spring?" Kaori interrupted.
"He's on hermit status," Sakura answered. "That means he can go anywhere he wants in the world. He's out here studying under a seal master. . ."
"Why?" Kaori asked.
"Stop interrupting," Haruka growled.
"I'm just asking," Kaori protested.
"I don't know why," Sakura said loudly, heading off this argument before it could begin.
"But he was on your team," Kaori protested. "Shouldn't you. . ."
"I don't know why," Sakura repeated slowly. Kaori must have felt the killer intent starting to drift off her sensei because the big mouthed girl quickly sunk into her seat without another word. Sakura stared out the window and spaced out.
It had been years since her teammate had walked out on her without a word of explanation. Now, she was finally going to get some answers.
"It's. . .it's really pretty here," Kaori stated, apparently trying to break the heavy silence that had fallen over them.
"Just because no one else is talking doesn't mean you have to," Haruka sniped. Sakura just tuned them out. She could feel the train slowing. Hopefully, once they were out in the open the two would hold off on their bickering.
There wasn't a chance of course, but Sakura could hope.
"One more word and they'll never find the bodies," Sakura growled. Kaori and Haruka fell utterly silent. 'Never again,' the pink haired kunoichi vowed for the umpteenth times. For a full ten minutes they continued their walk in blessed silence.
"Whoa!" Nothing good could last forever. Sakura spun and saw the quietest member of her group gawking in wonder. She followed the girl's line of sight and found herself staring at the massive, rainbow monoliths that had long ago turned the Land of Snow into the Land of Spring. They towered far above even the trees of the forest Sakura and her team were walking through.
"What are those?" Kaori demanded.
"Those are the reason why it's so nice here," Sakura stated. "This whole country used to be covered in snow, but the Daimyo's father built those things to turn the country into the Land of Spring."
"Cool," Kaori and Haruka stated in unison. That of course led to a new round of bickering. Sakura sighed in annoyance and quickly led them further down the path they were on. They moved out of the forest and the pink-haired woman smiled as she spotted the walled village near the base of the monoliths.
"And that is the Village Hidden in the Springs."
"Gee, how original," Haruka commented. Sakura agreed, but kept it to herself. She didn't know how, but she was sure agreeing with one of the twins would lead to an argument.
"My mom told me that this was a bad place," Satomi commented. "She said that it was full of missing nin."
"It is," Sakura stated. She was rather surprised by how nice the village looked herself. "The Land of Rock tried to invade the country to take the generators, but the Land of Spring recruited all the missing nin they could. After the war they stayed on as ninja of the Land of Spring."
"So, how come the Hokage sent us?" Kaori asked. "Wouldn't a letter have been quicker?"
"The Hokage did send a letter," Sakura answered. "She never got a reply." The pink haired jonin led the way from the tree line towards where a pair of men were arguing by the gate. "Excuse me."
"Yeah?" the taller grunted, holding up a finger to indicate for his partner to wait a moment.
"I'm looking for Naruto Uzumaki," Sakura stated. "Can you tell me where he is?" The man glanced back at his partner.
"Do you think he escaped yet?" the taller asked.
"What time is it?"
"Definitely," the shorter replied. They both turned back to Sakura.
"A bar," they stated in unison.
"A bar?" Sakura repeated. "It's two in the afternoon."
"A bar," the taller confirmed.
"Which bar?" Sakura asked.
"One of them," the shorter replied. They promptly went back to arguing.
"Don't you want to see my I.D.?" Sakura interrupted again.
"Meh," the shorter grunted. "Cause any trouble and you'll end up like those three." Sakura glanced in the direction the man was pointing and nearly gagged. Beside the gate were three heads planted on pikes. The heads were still moving.
"Are they alive?" she asked.
"Nah," the taller man stated. "It's some kind of genjustsu. At least, that's what I tell myself to keep from being horrified to the brink of insanity."
"Yeah," the shorted agreed. "Now go on." Sakura nodded weakly and walked through the gate. Behind her, she could hear the guards talking. "She looks good for a mother of three."
"Yeah," the taller replied. "You'd never know unless you looked at her hips and ass." Sakura spun, ready to dole out necessary violence only to see the shorter guard poking one of the heads with a stick.
"You guys hungry?"
"Stop giving them food. It all just ends up in a rotting pile below them."
"This village is fucked up," Satomi stated unexpectedly. Sakura considered chastising the genin for her language, but decided against it.
"Yeah," she agreed instead.
"How many bars can one village have?" Sakura gritted as she stormed out of the latest hole in the wall.
"I'm more curious as to why they're all packed at midday," Haruka commented. "Is this the Hidden Village of Alcoholics or something?"
"Well, there's another one," Sakura stated as she pointed across the street. With that simple observation, the bar's swinging doors burst open and a man flew across the road to slam into the bar Sakura and her team had just left.
"Another fight," Haruka stated.
"Yep," Kaori replied blandly. They only agreed when they were too shocked to do anything else.
"Maybe we should skip that one," Satomi suggested.
"Sounds like a good idea." Sakura was about to lead her team away from the bar when a woman strode calmly through the swinging doors. She walked across the road and seized the man by his throat.
"Let's get out of here," Haruka suggested. Sakura heard the younger woman, but couldn't force herself to respond. A breeze rustled the woman's long golden hair as she examined her captive. She snarled suddenly and the three dark, whisker-like marks on her cheek crinkled.
"Alright, asshole," the blond growled, "what part of fuck off and die, don't you get?" The man sputtered something and the blond promptly threw him the length of the street with little effort. "Fucking pervert!"
"Hey Naruto," another woman called from the bar's entrance, "your henge is down!"
"Shit," the blond grumbled as she turned and began making several hand seals. She trailed off as she found herself staring at Sakura.
"Jack ass!" A passing stranger suddenly turned into a young bespectacled woman in a yukata. Said woman promptly slugged Naruto hard enough to send the blond slamming back into the wall she had just thrown her own victim into. "I'm going to nail you to the seat!" With that, the stranger grabbed the dazed Naruto and disappeared.
"Uh," Kaori began brilliantly. "Naruto? I thought we were looking for a guy."
"It's complicated," Sakura managed.
"It usually is," Satomi replied.
-Author's notes. And there you go. I said I'd do it if demands were not met and those demands were not met. This is all your fault.
Okay, all joking aside. New anime series, new characters, same old author. Welcome new readers. Welcome back old readers. For those of you who don't know me, I'm that asshole from the Eva section who makes fun of everything under the sun. Either you're going to like me, you're going to indulge me for my stories, or you're going to despise me. I don't much care. I've been the target of many, many flames. Some were sad. Some were informative. Some inspired me to push even further.
My mission statement is pretty much to keep everyone laughing and not because of how horrible or cliché my stories are. Once every great while when the moon glows red and the whiskey flows free, I branch off into other genres, but comedy is always my first love and I've gotten pretty good at it. Updates are weekly as often as possible, since this is only one of about four stories I have going, I'm not sure how often this will be updated.
As usual, this was the prologue chapter. Details and explanations will follow in future chapters. Expect cursing, violence, pop-culture references, vague-culture references, fourth wall poking, name-calling, alcoholism, drugs, potty humor, sex and general chaos. If you don't like what you've just read, I'd suggest you jump ship now because it's all down hill from here folks.
This is Mister C. saying: You have been warned.