I own nothing.
Nothing but Trouble
"This is such a pain in the ass," Rumiko huffed as she continued along the winding forest trail.
"You've been chair squatting too much lately," Naruto replied from beside her.
"True, but this is still a pain in the ass," Rumiko said angrily. "Why the hell did they put the tournament all the way out here? Don't they know there's an enemy army out here?"
"I kind of doubt it," Naruto said.
"Well they should!" Rumiko snapped. "Enough people have disappeared out here that they should know something is happening."
"Maybe they do," Naruto offered. "This could just be the bait in a big trap."
"Using genin for bait is kind of cold, don't you think?"
"Better them than more experience and valuable ninja," Naruto answered. Rumiko fell silent and pondered that until they came to the clearing where the tournament was being held.
"Do you really think that's true?" she asked finally.
"Nah," Naruto grunted. "The kages have gotten too soft for the big boy games."
"So, that's something you'd do?" Naruto was silent for a while.
"No. I couldn't do that," he said finally. "I'm not a general. I don't see chess pieces, I see my drinking buddies. That's why I left the strategy up to you."
"I would never have even thought of something like that."
"You're still young."
"Then I'm not sure I want to get old." Rumiko always hated when conversations with Naruto turned to business. Those were the times that reminded her that he was a millennia-old war monger and not some cheerful, over-powered drunk that liked to fight. "There's Sakura and Kaori."
"Hey Naruto," Sakura replied. "Where's your blushing bride?"
"Probably still looking for Kurenai," Naruto replied. "The fights have already started?"
"They have and they've been going very smoothly," Sakura said. "There have already been three fights."
"So, none of ours have been picked, huh?" Rumiko asked.
"Figures," Rumiko grunted. "Sounds like most of our genin are going to be fighting each other. That's probably for the best. I'd hate to run our genin against some poor kid from Leaf or Mist."
"Plus it means the fights are going to be awesome!" Naruto cheered. "I wouldn't miss this for the world!"
"Naruto!" Rumiko glanced back and noticed Anko running towards them dragging a dark haired woman behind her. "Tell Kurenai that we're getting married! She doesn't believe me!"
"Hello Naruto," the dark haired woman offered. "It's been a while."
"Welcome back Kurenai," Sakura said. "How was your mission?"
"It went great," Kurenai stated. "I even got home a day early. I'm thinking of grabbing a hotel room and just relaxing for the night while I still have a genin team watching my kids."
"Can't blame you."
"Stop ignoring me and tell her we're getting married!" Anko snapped.
"We're getting married," Naruto replied automatically. Kurenai took a deep breath and let it out as a sigh before turning to Anko.
"You're pregnant, aren't you?"
"No! He asked me because he loves me, right Naruto?"
"Well, yeah," Naruto replied.
"See!" Anko cheered. "I told you!" Her grin suddenly turned lecherous and she stood on her toes and threw an arm around Kurenai's shoulders. "Now that we've got that cleared up, I have a vey important question for you."
"Of course!" Kurenai stated.
"You're one of my oldest friends," the Kurenai stated as she hugged the shorter woman. "Of course I'll be your maid of honor."
"Well, that too, but I was gonna ask about a threesome," Anko replied as both of her hands dropped to Kurenai's ass and gave it a squeeze causing the taller woman to squirm.
Sakura could only sigh in disgust as she watched Anko molest the jonin, who was becoming increasingly flustered. "Naruto."
"Yes?" the blond asked as he watched the action with rapt attention.
"Are you going to stop this?"
"He'd better not," Rumiko growled. Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose and began a slow count to ten until she was rudely interrupted by Kurenai letting out a strangled moan.
"Okay kids, break it up," the blond ordered as he pulled them apart. Kurenai promptly collapsed against him.
"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."
"No," Rumiko mumbled.
"You realize that she's grinding against your leg, right?" Sakura asked.
"Kind of hard to miss," Naruto replied.
"That's my Kurenai!" Anko cheered. "Once you get her engine revving, there ain't no stopping her." Sakura could almost feel her metal image of Kurenai as a calm, collected, mature woman shatter. The purple haired woman grabbed Kurenai. "Well, we're going to go to the hotel room and do naughty things, feel free to join us." With that they both disappeared. Naruto made it a whole minute.
"I've got this thing to do. . .with someone. . .uh. . .somewhere." He disappeared too, only to reappear a moment latter. "Okay, that was a lie. I'm totally going to go have a threesome with those two hot chicks. Later." He disappeared again. Sakura let out a disgusted sigh.
"So much for not missing this for the world."
"I need to go iron my. . .dog," Kaori stated before disappearing as well before Sakura could say anything.
"Did she just. . ."
"Yeah," Rumiko answered. "Um, I'm going to go. . ."
"Tell me Kaori isn't going to go join them," Sakura interrupted.
"Naruto wouldn't let her," Rumiko stated. "Believe it or not, he does have some standards."
"Then where is she going?"
"Probably to spy on them."
"Like you are?"
"I'm not going to. . ." Rumiko trailed off at the look she was getting. "Bye." Then she disappeared too.
"Did that really just happen?" Sakura turned and saw Kiba.
"Do you have any booze?"
"Alcohol," Sakura stated, "do you have any?" The brown haired man reached into one of his pockets and produced a flask which Sakura promptly emptied. "Thanks." She handed it back. "Did you know. . ."
". . .about Anko and Kurenai?" Kiba finished. Sakura nodded. "I know nothing, see nothing and hear nothing."
"I need another drink."
"Good times," Naruto mumbled as he hunted through the fridge. He was starving. "Enjoy the show?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Rumiko stated primly. She had popped up shortly after they had finished. Naruto grabbed a takeout carton from Ichiraku's and a pair of beers.
"So, you weren't watching when I took a shower and left them alone for an hour?" he pressed.
"You did that just for me?" Rumiko asked in shock.
"Yup." She actually teared up a little at that.
"Thanks." Naruto collapsed onto the couch next to her.
"So, what's up?"
"I was just thinking that you should probably let Anko in on your big secret," Rumiko stated as she opened her beer.
"How do you think she's going to handle it?" Naruto asked.
"Finding out she's getting married to an ancient demon trapped in a human body?" Rumiko asked. "I have no idea."
"Oh, I thought you were talking about having been married before."
"I think the demon thing is a bit bigger than a few marriages," Rumiko commented.
"So says you."
"You're pretty chipper," Rumiko commented as she watched the naked woman walk by to the fridge.
"You should know why," Anko shot back.
"I have no idea what you're talking about!" Rumiko said a bit louder than necessary.
"Sure," Anko drawled as she plopped down on Naruto's other side with a sandwich. "Kurenai's still passed out."
"I'm good at what I do," Naruto stated as he shoveled ramen into his mouth.
"So, what were you two talking about?" Anko asked as she tore into her sandwich. "Rumiko? Rumiko? Earth to Rumiko!"
"You know, I could just fuck you," Anko offered. Rumiko's hands clenched so tightly that her knuckles turned white.
"I don't need a pity fuck!"
"Yes you do," Naruto said through a mouthful of half-chewed noodles.
"Anyway, we were discussing Naruto's big secret."
"Subtle," Naruto commented.
"Big secret?" Anko asked.
"I'm the Nine-Tailed Fox."
"I know. I was there when it was sealed."
"No, I am the Nine-Tailed Fox," Naruto corrected. "I escaped and got sealed in this body."
"Oh. Too bad. He seemed like a good kid."
"He was a great man."
"That's it?" Rumiko asked.
"Well, I only met the kid a few times," Anko replied with a shrug. "It's always a shame to loose a fellow Leaf ninja, but it does happen."
"And the fact that you're getting married to a demonic monster?" Rumiko pressed. A bright, perverted smile spread across Anko's face. "Never mind."
"Oh, and I've been married before," Naruto added. Anko's grin disappeared.
"What?" she screeched.
"But. . .but. . .what if we have problems or something?"
"Don't be silly Anko. I wouldn't divorce you."
"But I can be a pain in the ass sometimes!" Anko added. "If you weren't willing to work through problems with her than there's no way it could work with us!"
"Actually, I was willing to work out any problems with them," Naruto stated. "I've never been divorced."
"Them?" Anko shrieked. "Wait, what do you mean you've never been divorced?"
"I'm a widower," Naruto stated. Anko stared at him for a minute.
"I'm over a thousand years old," Naruto stated flatly. "They were human."
"So, one day I'll die and you'll just go on living?" Anko asked. The blond nodded. "Well then, I guess we'd better enjoy it while it lasts."
"Yeah." Anko finished her sandwich and stood.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm exhausted." Naruto and Rumiko watched her go.
Shut up Naruto."
"So, have you seen those genin?" Suigetsu asked. "The ones from Snow are pretty vicious."
"I heard they're the ones that caused the tournament to be moved," Jugo commented.
"With the way they were tearing it up, I'll believe it," Suigetsu commented. "At least now that they're out in the woods they didn't have to keep stopping."
"Yeah, but now we have to wait while they recuperate," Jugo grunted. "What's the big deal with interrupting the last rounds of the tournament anyway?"
"Meh. Drama queen ninja."
-Author's notes. Well, this is awkward. I'd love to give you all a long speech about how something completely earth shattering came up and kept me from posting for about six months, but really, I got nothing. I just fell into a funk and couldn't seem to write a damn thing. I don't think that's ever happened to me before.
Now, on to more important things! What could possibly tear me from my funk and drive me to put finger to keyboard? Fucking Toonami. That's right, it's back. Unfortunately, I, along with most of Toonami's original fanbase missed the April Fools special. Why? Because we're all old now and most of us had just finished a work week and were either passed out, passed out drunk or out partying. At least that's what I'm getting from all my friends who were also Toonami faithfuls. Anyway, we all did our part and now Toonami is back. Now we just all have to tune in and make sure CN realizes that Toonami was missed and is damn well worth their time. Also, Deadman Wonderland is fucking weird. I like it.
Now, as for my schedule. I'm not going to say that I'm back to my old once every two weeks one since every time I do I seem to fail. So, I'm just going to shoot for once a month. I know it's a pain to wait for something you want to read, but having a normal schedule should alleviate that some.