I own nothing.
Nothing but Trouble
Naruto awoke with a groan. He felt like shit. "What the hell did I do last night?" Something under the covers of his bed shifted and moaned.
"What didn't we do last night?" Anko asked.
"I'm not sure," Naruto admitted as he sat up.
"We even tried missionary under the covers with the lights off!"
"Whoa, kinky." Naruto climbed to his feet and stretched. "So, good after war celebration?"
"You bet," Anko said as she wrapped herself in the blankets. "Hey, after I finished up with Rumiko, Yui and your inner feminine side. . ."
"I have no inner feminine side," Naruto responded automatically.
". . .I went out for some food before I hunted you down and everyone was talking about a massive explosion out in the woods. Do you know anything about that?"
(:The Night Before:)
Tsunade frowned as she took in the wild debauchery around her. It only took her a second to spot her quarry. He was, after all, the center of the party. She made her way over and nearly tripped over her feet as she spotted the man sitting next to the blond. "What the fuck?"
"Oh, hey Kiddo!" the Fox cheered. "Say 'hi' Maddy!" He snatched up Madara's slack arm and waved it back and forth. "Hi!" The blond laughed hysterically, hiccupped and killed his beer before holding up the empty glass. A topless woman snatched it from his hand and replaced it with a full one. "Have a seat!"
"What. . .what. . .what are. . .you. . ."
"Maddy?" the Fox asked. Tsunade nodded. "Well, you see, this is my old buddy Maddy. We used to hang out all the time, but we had a falling out. Now we're friends again!"
"O. . .kay." Tsunade sat down. "I'm taking you up on an offer." The blond blinked at her owlishly.
"Well, Anko's preoccupied at the moment, so I'm going to have to say no, since I know that she'd want to be there and at least watch."
"What?" Tsunade deadpanned. Her brain caught up with her a moment later and she sighed in annoyance. "Not that Fox. I'm here about Danzo."
"Oh." The Fox pouted and chased a peanut around the table with his fingernail. "What's that old bastard up to now?"
"I've issued a warrant for his arrest," Tsunade stated. "He took every single ninja that was loyal to him and went into hiding."
"What a bitch! It wasn't that big of a war."
"I believe he was planning on sweeping in after the invasion and conquering the village."
"Oh, that's much better," the Fox commented. "Still being a bitch though. So, you want me to arrest him?"
"I want you to do the same thing to him as you did to the cat," Tsunade corrected. That caught the Fox's attention. "What do you want in return? I don't want to owe you anything."
"Nothing. I already said I'd do it for you." Tsunade stared at him suspiciously.
"Yeah. It sounds like fun."
"Hey Granny!" Tsunade turned and saw two of Sakura's genin staggering towards her. Kaori plopped down in a chair next to the blond and took his beer. "If you want a lapdance, Yumi's back on in ten minutes and she is definitely the best here!"
"I'm not here for a lapdance," Tsunade growled as she pinched the bridge of her nose. She glanced to her side and saw Satomi staring at her. "What?" Without warning, the genin grabbed her by her shoulders and shoved her face into Tsunade's cleavage. She pulled back a moment later.
"Wow. You really can go so deep that your ears pop!"
"I told you," Kaori stated.
Danzo poured himself another saucer of sake and sipped it casually. He had underestimated that irritating blond again. The outcome of the invasion had seemed so obvious, especially when he withdrew his troops to his own personal bunker outside the village, but now it seemed that his actions had been premature. "Sir?"
"What is it?" Danzo asked, glancing at the Root ninja who was looking out the window.
"I don't see any of our ninja out there," the man stated.
"What?" Danzo climbed to his feet and made his way over to the window. A cursory glance outside showed him the truth. Every single one of the ninja on the perimeter were gone. The ninja made his way over to the phone and picked it up. He tried a few different numbers and set the phone down before making his way to the door. He glanced out into the hallway for a moment before he retreated back into the room.
"They're all gone."
"How can that be?" Danzo demanded. "Nobody could possibly be that good!"
"It must be the Fox," the ninja stated.
"Damn it." A harsh red light filled the room and Danzo looked back out the window where a glowing mass of crimson chakra had appeared. "Well. . ." Danzo realized that he was still holding his saucer and the bottle. He finished his drink and refilled it. "This probably won't end well."
"Got it in one!" Danzo turned and saw that a tall blond woman with pigtails had appeared in the room. She grabbed him by the ears and planted a sloppy kiss on his shocked lips. "That's all folks!" She disappeared in a puff of smoke and the last Root ninja joined him at the window.
"So, we're fucked?"
"Yeah," Danzo stated as he watched the monster outside grow exponentially.
"In that case, there's something I've been wanting to get off my chest ever since you kidnapped me from my family and experimented on me for years," the ninja stated.
"You're an asshole." Danzo sipped his sake as he considered that commented.
"Yeah. I can see where you're coming from with that."
"Sure." The man took the offered bottle. "Cheers."
"Cheers," Danzo agreed as they toasted and took a drink.
"I'ma firing my laser!" a voice like an insane Geiger counter screamed outside the window.
"And that was that," Naruto finished.
"So Danzo's done?"
"Cool. I'm going back to sleep. Wake me up if there's another war."
"Can do," Naruto replied as he pulled a pair of pants on. He pushed his door open and hesitated as he saw Kaori and Satomi spooning under a blanket on his couch. "Awe, isn't that cute?" Out of habit he made his way over and peeked under the cover. Satisfied that nothing was amiss, he laid the cover back down and made his way towards the kitchen only to freeze in midstep. He retreated back to the couch and peeked under the cover again before slamming it down. "Uh oh."
"Hey Naruto." He turned and stared at Kisame in horror as the massive man emerged from his room. "What's with that loo. . ." He was cut off rather abruptly as he was speared back into his room. "What the. . ."
"Shut up," Naruto hissed as he kicked the door shut again.
"Kaori and Satomi are on the couch."
"So, Kaori adds another pair of knockers to her hall of snuggles?" Kisame asked. "Big deal. Those are far from the biggest on her trophy wall."
"They're wearing a blanket."
"Uh. . .okay?"
"Only a blanket."
"Sakura is going to kill me."
"Doesn't she know that you're the Nine Tailed Fox now?" Kisame asked. Naruto stared at him blankly for a moment.
"Oh yeah." The blond dusted off his pants. "Sorry, gut reaction. Anyway, don't go out there."
"Wasn't really planning on it now," Kisame replied.
"Good. Hey, I was talking to Mei." Kisame froze, his face a mask of horror. "I need an ambassador to Mist. You in?"
"You want to send me back to a country where everyone hates me?"
"And I'll have diplomatic immunity so they can't attack me without starting a war?"
"And I can continue railing their beloved leader, potentially in front of them?"
"Yup." Kisame stared at him. "Are those tears? My God, I'm surrounded by fairies." Kisame dropped him with a hard overhand right. He stared down at the blond for a moment.
"No problem. The way I'm figuring, you can come back with us, beat up Moss, grab your fancy mattress and be on your way."
"Sounds good," Kisame stated. "I'll catch you later." With that the tall blue man disappeared out the window. Naruto continued laying on his back for a moment before flashing through a few hands signs. There was a brief tugging sensation and he was suddenly standing in his bedroom.
"Wha. . .?" Anko slurred in surprise.
"Nothing." Naruto made his way over to his door and smacked his fist against it. "Gee! I sure could go for some ramen!"
"Then go make it," Anko grumbled.
"Shut up," Naruto hissed with one ear pressed to his door. Outside in the living room there was a thump and a rustling of clothes, but surprisingly little screaming. He gave it to a ten count and pushed his door open. "Oh, hey you two. I was about to make ramen. You want any?"
"Sounds good to me!" Kaori cheered from where she sat fully clothed on the couch. "I'm starving for some reason." Satomi turned a rather bright scarlet at the look the other genin was giving her.
"I'm rather hungry too."
"Cool! Three bowls of ramen coming right up." Naruto set about preparing their breakfasts. "Hey, you two remember that Granny said she wanted to see you, right?"
"She did?" Kaori asked. "When was this?"
"Last night after Satomi went cliff diving in her cleavage."
"I did what?" Satomi demanded, turning a rather impressive shade of white.
"You don't remember?" Naruto asked. The petrified genin shook her head.
"Way to go Satomi!" Kaori cheered. "Did I get in on that too?"
"I have no idea," Naruto admitted. "I left pretty soon after that to do her a favor."
"In here!" Kisame pushed open the door to Mei's apartment and looked around.
"Where are you?"
"I'm in the sitting room," Mei called. "Ah, look how cute you are! Are you kissing mommy?"
"Naruto gave me a present!"
"That's nice," Kisame said blankly. Naruto gave her a present? Why did he have a bad feeling about this? He made his way into the sitting room and found his girlfriend on the couch cooing into her cupped hands. "Hey. Naruto told me you were looking for an ambassador."
"Yup! Want the job?" Mei asked.
"Maybe," Kisame stated as he sat down next to Mei and smiled.
"Yay! You're happy too, aren't you Kissy Junior?"
"Kissy Junior?" Kisame asked. "Isn't that what you call my. . ."
"Yup. Say hi to the new Kissy Junior!" Kisame stared at the tiny blue corn snake that had been rather suddenly thrust into his face. "Naruto gave him to me. Isn't he cute?" There was a high pitched screeching sound and Mei frowned as she studied the new Kisame-shaped hole in the wall of her hotel room. "Huh." She looked back at Kissy Junior. "That's weird." The snake just continued to flick its tongue. "Awe! You're kissing mommy again!"
"Hello Fox," Tsunade returned politely as she watched the blonde and his caravan approach the gates of the Village Hidden in the Leaves.
"I can't say that I was expecting to have you send us off."
"Formality supplants personal feelings," Tsunade explained.
"I see," Naruto replied. "Well, I'm afraid that we'll have to keep this short."
"Yes, I suppose we will," Tsunade said, "after all, you have a rather large hotel bill to run out on. That's very becoming of a village leader and a thousand year old monster."
"You've got to enjoy the little things, Kiddo," the Fox stated. "Oh, and we wrecked the room too, but I left a ten thousand dollar tip in a place only the housekeeper will find."
"Charming," Tsunade commented. "You spoke with Sakura?"
"Is she okay?"
"Are you?" the Fox asked.
"Touché," Tsunade admitted.
"She'll be fine, but she's going to need a friend."
"I see," Tsunade said. "Anyway, despite our differences, I have come to the decision that I need an ambassador to your country."
"Yes, if only to report back to me about any hostile troop movements."
"I see. So, Anko?"
"I think you've compromised her too much," Tsunade stated. "I spoke with her this morning and released her from her duties as a ninja of this country. She's officially one of yours now."
"Bitching. So, who?"
"I've assigned a new chunin to the duty," Tsunade stated. She glanced around. "She's around here someway."
"She?" Naruto asked as he joined the Hokage in looking around for the mystery woman. "It wouldn't be that former genin over there with her tongue down the throat of that genin, would it?" Tsunade turned and let out a long suffering sigh as she spotted the pair.
"Actually, she's a chunin too. I promoted them both this morning based on their performances and my need to fill in slots caused by losses during the invasion."
"Oh, cool. Hey Kaori! You're with me now?" The two chunins both looked up and leapt apart as they realized that they had been spotted.
"Uh yeah," Kaori replied as she made her way over. "I was just saying goodbye to Satomi."
"Sure. Why not?" Naruto asked.
"Actually, you're still working for me," Tsunade growled. "Please try to remember that."
"Of course!" Kaori replied. Tsunade rested her face in the palm of her hand.
"Have you ever thought that you've just made a massive mistake, but you don't care enough to try to do anything about it?" she asked.
"Every time I see Kaori order Tequila," Naruto admitted.
"Tequila?" Kaori asked, perking up immediately.
"No Tequila" Naruto stated. The newly minted chunin wilted and Naruto sighed in annoyance. "Maybe later."
"Like I said, I do understand."
"You know, you've been a massive headache since you showed up here," Tsunade commented.
"Yeah," Naruto replied. "It's been fun though, right?"
"Bullshit. You had some fun, even if it was only getting to order Danzo's execution."
"Fine. Maybe if you weren't an evil monster prancing around with the face of someone I held very dear to me, whom I just found out died, it might have been fun."
"It was and you know it," Naruto corrected. "You gotta enjoy things Kiddo. Life isn't forever."
"Except for you."
"Everyone keeps saying that, but nothing is forever. This here life I live will end too."
"Not before you pay for the Tequila, I hope," Kaori commented.
"See?" Naruto asked. "She has her priorities. Party first and party later."
"And war in between?" Tsunade asked.
"Sometimes," Naruto admitted. "It makes the parties more fun." He glanced around. "You remember what I said, right? Once I put one foot outside this village. . ."
"Once you put one foot outside this village I no longer consider you a guest that I am required by sacred hospitality to protect," Tsunade interrupted.
"You're learning," Naruto stated. "Be seeing you around Kiddo, you and all the Kages. We got a date." He turned and started to walk away, but hesitated. He turned back and made his way over.
"Forget something?" Tsunade asked. The other blonde's hands shot up and snatched her by the shoulders. Her attempts to step back into a fightingr stance petered off as the Oldest and Strongest of the Tailed Beasts shoved his face into her cleavage and began giving her a rather enthusiastic motorboating.
"Go Boss!" Kaori cheered. "I'm up next." Tsunade's only possible response was a long suffering groan of complete exasperation.
-Author's (massive end of story) notes. Alright folks. That's it. No really. For those of you who are new to me, I feel an explanation is owed. With me, it's always about the journey. The end is just a thing that stops the fun and has to come eventually, hopefully before the fun stops on its own. In my opinion, if a work is known for its ending, than that's because the rest of it wasn't that good. You can argue that the ending is what sticks with people, but I say, that's only if nothing else does. Also, originally this ended as Naruto walked away. Then I remember who I was an brought the funny. I hope. Can't have this fucker taking itself too seriously now.
So, new fandom, new characters, same style. I get grief over that last part, but I think I do theses funnies pretty well. At least, after a decade or so, I hope I do. New readers have been accommodating and old readers have been accepting of this little deviation from the norm. Well, in setting at least. I know I kind of left it hanging and maybe I'll revisit. Who knows?
Sadly, this is going to be my last long new story for a while. To my shock, while writing this, my ironclad time schedule slipped. For perspective, for several years (YEARS!) missing a weekly update led to emails seeing if I was still alive. Heh. Well, slipped is an understatement. It took a fucking flying leap. I didn't update for fucking months a few times. Things just kept coming up and those things were, for the first time, more important than planting my ass down at a computer with a bottle of vodka and a fucked up sense of humor. C'est la vie, I suppose.
Well, that and I have so many fucking old stories that I really need to get around to. Chief among, the SC Evangelion rerererererererererererererererewrite; ie: the story that kind of made me as a fanfic writer.
Now, enough of this bullshit! I am still planning of writing a bunch of omakes for this. When I start a story, I start having ideas for gags and scenes. Often I will damned well shoehorn them in, but sometimes a few still slip through the cracks. I guess I'm like Naughty Dog in that way. Only they go for awesome and I go for hilarious. Also, they're kind of famous.
So, the next chapter(s) will just be random scenes. Funny maybe. Hopefully. Coherent. . .well, you know, more than usual. . .probably not. Oddly, my comment on submissions from you guys was completely ignored. I don't know if I rambled so much that everyone shut off, or nobody wants to write. Come on folks, the Cynical was of writing is easy. Turn on various Mel Brooks, Zucker brothers, etc movies for background noise and tone setting. Drink lots. Stare at computer. Wake up the next morning, see that there are enough pages written and post it. It's that easy.
Of course, I had a decade to. . .well. . .to. . .perfect might be a strong word there. Wow. I just fucked up spelling might ten times. Thank you Smirnoff. Your vanilla vodka is awesome in coke.
Now, for extra padding and for those of you that just read for my amusing anecdotes of drinking, debauchery and firearms; I present another one of those things that only seems to happen to me.
This happened to me a few weeks after a dude in Delaware got in all kinds of shit for having a legally concealed pistol. Now he got pulled over and the cop had a snit when the guy flat out told him (as one is supposed to) that he had a permit and a gun. Now, his concealed license wasn't actually valid in Delaware, but that argument is kind of ruined by the number of times that he had been pulled over before (dude was a black dude in a nice car with a lead foot) and the cops hadn't given a shit or told him that it was fine. (Protip: cops don't know the laws, but they want you to think they do. Just go along with it and don't argue unless they are trying to fuck you.) Anyway, I get pulled over after a day at the range with my buddies. My crime: taillight is out. Fair enough.
Anyway, cop is a tiny rookie lady. Now, I get it. When you're a five foot two lady dealing with men, sometimes you have to come on aggressive. I can't really fault her for that. Anyway, she gives me the whole rigmarole and then asks to search the car. I look back at my buddies and they all start laughing, never a good thing to do when cops are involved. So, next thing I know, I'm sitting on the side of the road while this poor cop pulls out case after case of AR-15s, AKs, shotguns, pistols, military grade sniper rifles and other. . .stuff. She probably thought she had busted some major terrorist ring, instead of. . .you know. . .four ex-military rednecks.
Anyway, she starts jabbering on about God knows what and her training officer (ex-military and not travel sized), whom I had gotten in a heated argument with over the validity of the 5.56mm round as anything but a anti-gopher round (my enemy is a varmint) had to drag her behind the squad car to tell her to chill the fuck out. After that, they let me go without as much as a warning.
Thank God that happened before news about these Sovereign Citizen assholes (dudes who are totally not racist, but believe that Obama's presidency is a farce) had broke, or I would have been in a world of shit. Probably literally. Face down in a pile of (possibly human) shit on the side of the road with a tiny, hyper woman sitting on my back, handcuffing me. Actually, other than the shit, that sounds kind of fun.
So, ladies (who am I kidding?) and gentlemen, GOODNIGHT!