I own nothing.
"Did we really have to come all the way out to Spring Country?" Akihito Yuhi asked. "This is kind of silly."
"You can ask Naruto," his mother stated firmly as she pushed the door to the Yukikage's office open. "Hey Yui."
"Oh, hey Kurenai," the blond woman replied. "Naruto is expecting you, but you might want to give him a few moments. Anko just went in." Kurenai Yuhi just sighed in annoyance.
"I'll take the chance." With that the woman pushed the door open and Akihito followed his mother into the office beyond.
"Hey Kurenai!" the blond man exclaimed from behind his desk in his apparently empty office. "Hey kiddo!"
"Naruto," Kurenai replied. She thumped his desk a few times with her fist. "Hey Anko."
"One moment!" a woman's voice called. Naruto's eyes crossed comically and his seat was pushed back so that the other woman could appear. "Hey Kurenai. Hey Akihito!"
"Hi Aunt Anko," Akihito replied, already far too use to putting up with his aunt and uncle's eccentricities. Naruto managed to compose himself and fix his pants before he stood up to greet them.
"So, what's up guys?" he asked as he waved them at t a pair of seats while Anko perched on the edge of his desk. "Kurenai was kind of vague about why you two were coming."
"I think that Akihito is old enough to find out the truth about his father," Kurenai stated.
"Or you could have told him from the beginning," Anko commented.
"I see," Naurto replied, ignoring his wife. "Have a seat."
"I'll stand," Akihito stated. "It'll be easier to start hurting people if no one answers my questions soon."
"That's my boy," Naruto said,
"Now why did I have to come all the way out to. . .oh my God. You're my father, aren't you?"
"That's my boy," Naruto repeated. Silence prevailed for several seconds.
"Actually," Akihito admitted, "that makes a lot of sense. I mean, some kids' fathers skipped the academy graduation because of work. You went through months of paperwork just so you could get a pass to be in the Village Hidden in the Leaves for one day."
"Well, you're my son," Naruto replied with a shrug. "I know I said that I was proud of you at the time, but I would like to repeat that as your father."
"Is there any reason all of you decided to hide this from me?" Akihito demanded.
"Well," Naruto began, "you know how embarrassed your mom is about sex?"
"You mean the woman who forced my older sister to give me the birds and the bees speech?" Akihito demanded. He took their silence for an affirmative. "I may be familiar. . ." he trailed off as an analytical part of his mind added up the years. "Wait a minute."
"Yes?" Naruto asked.
"You two have been married for how long?"
"Fifteen and a half years," Anko answered.
"But you've been dating for. . ."
"Sixteen years and a few months," Naruto supplied.
"I turned sixteen last week."
"Yes you did." Akihito gawked at his mother and father.
"You cheated on Aunt Anko with Uncle Naruto?" he demanded of his mother.
"What?" Kurenai sputtered. "No! I would never do that to her."
"Besides, she doesn't need to cheat on me with my husband," Anko stated as she hopped off the desk and threw her arms around the taller woman. "She has an open invitation."
"So, you're all swingers?" Akihito asked, his curiosity and confusion rooting him to the spot even as he started to contemplate jumping out the window to escape these revelations.
"Swinging is just switching partners," Anko stated. "Why take turns when everyone can have fun together? Right, Kurenai?" Kurenai let out a squeak and Naruto glanced over Akihito's shoulder at the two and his eyes bulged. Without even thinking, Akihito started to turn, but the blond grabbed him by the face. There was a sudden tugging sensation and they were suddenly outside and the hands holding him were much more feminine. They pulled back and Akihito found himself standing in front of a confused looking busty blond with two long pigtails.
"Hey Aunt Naruto. What just happened?"
"I'm not sure," the blond woman stated. "I was standing here and suddenly I was in my office and then suddenly I was back here with you." Her lips pursed. "I got a theory."
"Okay, so Naruto grabbed you and swapped places with me, dragging you along for the ride. Then he swapped places again, leaving you here with me."
"Is that even possible?" Akihito asked.
"Apparently," Naruto replied. "So, what are you doing in the village?"
"I came to find out about my father."
"Yes, along with many other things I did now want to find out about."
"Cool! So, for our first day of official father son bonding, what do you want to do?"
"I want to forget this day ever happened."
"Drinking it is!" the blond cheered, hopping up and down happily and causing several nearby men to trip over their own feet.
Naruto strolled into Mimi's and glanced around. He spotted a familiar blonde slumped over a table and made his way towards her, stepping over bodies the entire way. "Wake up." The blonde sputtered and straightened up from where she had been sleeping.
"Ooh, my head. What time is it?"
"The next day. Where's the kid?"
"I saw him score a room off Mimi and disappear with the Inoue twins," Naruto's clone replied.
"The Inoue twins?" Naruto parroted.
"Yeah. You should always shoot for the stars. Even if you die, you die a million miles above the cowards."
"Always did like that quote."
"Yeah we did." The woman stood and stretched. "My back is killing me. Passing out at tables isn't as easy as it used to be."
"Maybe you're getting old," Naruto commented.
"I'm not even going to comment on that. I am, however, going to go hit one of the hot springs." Naruto nodded as the woman strolled out of the bar. He glanced around and tugged a half empty bottle of vodka from the grip of one of the bar's unconscious patrons and collapsed into the woman's abandoned seat. It only took a few minutes and half the remainder of the bottle before his ears picked up the sound of someone stumbling down the stairs.
"Uh," the boy grunted as he crashed next to Naruto. "Kill me now."
"Kill this first." Akihito stared at the bottle that had been thrust into his hand.
"But this is what caused my headache in the first place."
"Then drink it as revenge. Just ask yourself if you could feel any worse."
"To revenge then," Akihito stated. Naruto wrenched another bottle free and toasted with his son before they both drank.
"So, how was last night?" Naruto asked.
"I don't really. . ."
"He knocked out five full grown men, jumped on a table, grabbed his crotch and solicited every woman in the bar at the same time," Mimi stated from behind her bar where she was calmly cleaning glasses, getting ready for the next round of drunken reveling. "The Inoue twins took him up on his offer. It was a rare showing only every equaled by his father."
"Thanks Mimi," Naruto said.
"Does everyone here know. . ."
"No," Naruto interrupted. "Mimi knows because Mimi knows all."
"I do not," Mimi stated. "I only know what I know. Kurenai's on her way, by the way." The swinging doors burst open and Kurenai strolled in.
"Hi Mom," Akihito replied. Naruto could practically see the gears turning behind the boy's eyes as he equated his mother's more chipper attitude when in this village and the latest revelations. The boy shuddered once and snatched the bottle out of Naruto's hand.
"So, we discussed this with the Hokage year ago," Kurenai commented. "As of now, you can leave the Village Hidden in the Leaves with no repercussions and join this village."
"What are you going to do?" Akihito asked.
"Well, now that you're a chunin, I think you're old enough and responsible enough to live on your own," Kurenai explained. "I'm retiring and moving here."
"I see," Akihito replied. "I'm going to have to think about that."
"Good," Kurenai replied. "So, did you have fun last night with Aunt Naruto?"
"Well. . ." He was interrupted by the sounds of two more people coming down the stairs. They all turned and saw the Inoue twins making their way over.
"Hey stud," Sasami stated.
"We were wondering where you got to," Mari added. "If you're done refueling, we were hoping to get another performance."
"Another performance?" Kurenai asked.
"Yeah, this cheater put on a pretty good show," Mari said.
"Cheater?" Naruto asked.
"Yeah! He acted all shy and embarrassed and then: bam! I'm on my back with my ankles behind my head," Mari explained. "Don't remember much after that."
"It was a hell of a performance. I figured he was done," Sasami added, "but the next thing I know, I'm bent over the railing on the balcony. Everybody in the street agreed that it was a hell of a performance."
"That's my boy," Naruto said proudly, stealing back his bottle.
"Your boy?" Sasami asked, glancing at her sister. They shared a creepy, silent twin moment and nodded to each other.
"So, about that encore?"
"Sure, why not?" Akihito cheered, his voice only slightly slurred. "Fuck it!"
"Don't fuck it."
"Fuck us." Naruto and Kurenai watched the twins drag their son back up the stairs.
"Did you see the way they were looking at him?" Kurenai asked.
"Hard not to," Naruto replied.
"So, who are they?"
"The Inoue twins. Mari and Sasami. Nineteen years old and chunin. They are currently in a competition with Yasu to see who make the most powerful explosive tag ever."
"They seem like sweet girls."
"They are girls, yes."
"Healthy too," Kurenai added. "Two girls means twice the grandbabies!"
"They seem like sweet girls."
"They are girls, yes."
I don't know why but that line cracks me up. It's probably poor form to laugh at your own jokes, but fuck good form.
"Nice!" Sakura glared at the blonde man as he slid down a tree. "Shit. You did it."
"Of course I did it," Sakura growled. She really wanted to stay standing, but her knees buckled and she stumbled back into a tree of her own.
"Are you okay?" Sakura just glared at the man. "Yeah, you're okay. I'd hate to have you die now."
"What do you care?" Sakura demanded as she slid to the ground as well. She focused as best she could and felt the slow seep of charka flowing into her body.
"You're so mean Sakura!"
"Don't you dare call me that," Sakura hissed.
"But you're my beloved nemesis!" the Fox insisted. "You're my murderer."
"This isn't murder. This is me putting you out of everyone's misery." The Fox grinned brightly at her and stared down at the hole in his chest. How he was even talking was a mystery. "You really did it. I'm so proud of you."
"It wasn't hard."
"I love you." He laughed until Sakura could hear his heart stop. Maybe even a little after. Sakura leaned against the tree and focused on her healing. It had taken four fights to figure it out. The first had taught her that the arrogant monster rarely dodged, instead counting on its healing abilities to keep himself up and mocking his opponent. The second had showed her the pathways its chakra followed to heal it. The third had been a dry run. Sakura didn't think she passed out, but suddenly there was a blond girl standing over the grinning corpse.
"Damn Pappy." She reached inside its coat and pulled out a scroll. With a puff of smoke she retrieved the headwear of the Yukikage and set it on her own head. With that, she turned to regard Sakura with bright crimson eyes. "You killed my grandfather."
"Go ahead. Do it," Sakura ordered. Her death was a small price to pay to end the war that the Nine Tailed Fox had spread across the known world.
"Well, if you insist," the blond woman replied as she took the hat back off. Sakura closed her eyes and waited for the fatal blow. Instead, she felt a face shoved into her cleavage. Her eyes opened and she stared down at the girl motorboating her.
"Get away from Grandma!" The blond leapt back as a clawed hand almost took off her head. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine Hideo," Sakura stated. "And what did I tell you about calling me grandma?"
"Not now," the dark haired man stated as he faced the blonde girl. "Who the hell are you?"
"I'm the new Yukikage!" the girl stated proudly. "You can call me Maiko though, Stud. Anyway, so, that's the war!"
"What?" Sakura asked blankly.
"War's over!" Maiko chirped. "The ninja of the Land of Spring are currently pulling back. Anyway, after war party and negotiations in the Land of Spring!" She ran an eye over Hideo and licked her lips. "You should be there."
"You think we're really going to let you walk away after all the death and suffering you've caused?" Hideo asked, lowering himself and getting ready to pounce. There was a loud growl and a dog the size of small pony appeared out of the underbrush. The blonde grinned.
"Yeah. I do." Hideo's dog never stood a chance. An identical blonde blindsided him with ear scratches that quickly evolved into belly scratches as the dog flopped over on his back.
"Eiji!" Hideo yelled. While he was distracted, the original blonde blindsided him. She dipped him low and promptly shoved her tongue down his throat. She pulled away suddenly and the man fell to the ground.
"Like I said," Maiko stated, "negotiations will be held in the Land of Spring. You should come. We can do some. . .aggressive negotiating in private." With that, she snatched up the body of the Nine Tailed Fox and disappeared. Sakura stared at her grandson in annoyance.
"You know how I said that I'd always be proud of you, no matter what you did?"
"I lied," Sakura stated. "If you sleep with that woman, I will disown you and beat your ass. Do you understand?" There was no answer. "Hideo!"
"Right!" the man replied. "She did have a great ass." Sakura just stared at the boy and wished she was dead. It wasn't fair! She had killed the Nine Tailed Fox! How could he still be torturing her?
"Damn you Fox!"
Naruto looked around the calm meadow and took a deep breath. So, he was dead. That was new. Perhaps that was the only new thing left. "Well, this doesn't look like hell."
"Naruto!" He turned and saw a group of women make their way out of the tree line.
"Uh, oh. I was wrong." Yep, his mistake. It was definitely hell. One woman detached herself from the group and flung herself into Naruto's arms.
"I was wondering when you'd get here," Anko stated. "Was it Nanbu or Haruno?"
"Nanbu died a few years ago," Naruto answered.
"Miss Anko!" one of the woman snapped imperiously, "I thought we were in agreement."
"Nope!" Anko stated cheerfully. "I just agreed with you to get you to shut up." The other woman's face turned crimson in rage. She was not used to being spoken to in such a manner.
"Hey Emiri," Naruto offered.
"Hello Fujio," Emiri replied. "Or is it Naruto?"
"Naruto," Naruto replied after a moment of thought. "I've used that name longer than any other and it has some pretty important meaning to me."
"I see," Emiri replied imperiously. Naruto was about to respond when he felt a draft around certain dangly parts. He glanced down and saw Anko kneeling with his pants around his ankles.
"What?" the purple haired woman demanded. "I've gone without for almost five years!"
"Uh. . .fair enough. I guess."
"Miss Anko!" Emiri snapped, her face flushing for a different reason now. "Please compose yourself! We're outside. It's during the day!"
"Was she really a feared empress?" Anko demanded.
"Oh yeah," Naruto replied, looking at his third wife. "She ruled the known world with an iron fist and she died of old age because no one dared to take her on, even as an old woman."
"Then why is she acting so shy?" Anko demanded.
"Tiger everywhere except the bedroom. There she was a shy kitten."
"I like shy kittens," Anko stated, eyeing the woman who had suddenly shrunk in on herself. "But I can make her mewl later. Why are you still over there Kurenai?"
"But. . .but," Kurenai stammered, blushing as she became the center of attention.
"Don't make me come over there," Anko threatened. Kurenai stared at the ground and made her way over.
"But. . .Miss Kurenai!" Emiri gasped.
"Give it a rest Emiri," a tall broad shouldered woman ordered as she made her way over. "We can argue about turns later."
"Hey Hisako," Naruto replied before kissing his first wife.
"See, you all kept talking about turns," Anko commented. "Taking turns means that a lot of folks are left out in the cold."
"I see," Hisako replied thoughtfully. "We'll have to discuss this later. For now, as the woman who has not seen him for the longest, I call first ride. You all can figure out something."
"I can live with that! Now get to work. There's no telling when that crazy nympho Kaori will show up."
-Author's notes. And I'm spent. So, that's it. This beastie is well and truly done. Not just the main story, but the side stories as well. Wow. Did I really start this in 2009? Fuck me, that's what. . .FUCKING SIX YEARS? WHAT? I was halfway through my six year enlistment when I started this and that ended three years ago. Just, fuck me.
Okay. Wow. That just put how long I've been doing this in perspective. Huh.
So, end of story notes. I really don't think I have anything to say about this that I haven't already said. This is my longest story, both in number of chapters and number of words. This is also my first story to break a hundred thousand words. Hell, this story outlasted my interest in the anime it's based on. (Sorry folks, just too much filler.) This was also my most reviewed story. That's always cool. When fanfic writers get into mushroom stamping contests, review numbers are usually how the dicks are measured. This was also my widest read story, which to me, is more folks having fun with me. Speaking of which: most importantly, everybody seemed to have a good time. I had fun. You guys had fun. I think I got, like, two negative reviews and those were both "Oh my God, gay characters! Ew!" so, you know. Fuck those guys. (Sexual orientation will only ever be fodder for jokes to me, like every other thing ever. After all, there are so many legitimate reasons to hate somebody. Who cares what they're sticking their dicks into when I'm not around? Or fingers I guess. I don't know. I don't have any lesbian friends.)
So, good times. Thanks for partying along. And party on dudes.
And now, because I know you guys want a story. So, I'm parked on Main Street waiting to move and smoking a cigar. If you've ever partied at UD, you'll know Main Street. You'll also know a sports bar thingy called Grottos. It has a large fenced area where you can sit and drink and eat. That's what I'm parked by. All of the sudden, I hear someone yell, "Hey Buddy!" I glanced up and see a cop walking towards me. Now I'm not doing anything wrong, so I saw, "Hey Officer, what's up?" The following conversation goes like this.
-Cop: Hey, what are you smoking there? It smells awesome.
-Jack: Oh, it's a Groovy Blue.
-Cop: *raises eyebrow* Groovy Blue, huh?
-Jack: *realizing what that sounds like* It's a Tatiana cigar. They're really good. Want one?
-Cop: I'd love to, but not in uniform. Anyway, I'm over here cause all the kids sitting there were yelling: "That guy's smoking a joint! He's got pot!"
-Jack: *looking at the kids who have all immediately looked away* Really? Isn't pot supposed to be one of those things that's illegal, but we're all actually behind it and bonding over it?
-Jack: So they ratted out what they thought was a fellow pothead, just to see him get in trouble for their amusement?
-Jack: What a bunch of fuck sticks.
-Cop: Yup. Anyway, I could tell from the smell it wasn't pot, but I had to come over and check for appearance's sake. You said Groovy Blues?
-Jack: There's a cigarette shop with a humidor in the shopping center before Main Street.
-Cop: Awesome. Thanks dude.
-Jack: No worries.
And then because it was Friday night and traffic really was horrific I spent ten minutes intimidating about twenty college kids by glaring at them. It was a pretty good time.
So, in total conclusion. Here's to my lucky thirteenth year doing this shit (no kidding check my profile). And here's to thirteen more lucky years of drinking, debauchery, laughs and the occasion perverse deviation off into some weird genre like romance or action with you guys. After all, there ain't no point to this without you. So here's to us! Drink!