So I had this idea for a one-shot and here it is. I'm thinking about continuing it and making it a full story, but only if people seem to like it. And while I'm normally not one to beg for reviews, the only way I know if people like it is if people review. So if you like it, please take the time to review.

I should warn you: It is angsty, Edward's a bit darker and fucked up than normal, and it's my first Lemon, so please be nice.

If I do continue and make it a full story, no promises on a happy ending, though that would be my intention.

DISCLAIMER: "Twilight" and all it's characters belong to S. Meyer.

I looked at the handsome man sitting across from me, his eyes studying mine. I smiled shyly; his intense gaze always made me self-conscious. He smiled as he took my hand in his, the softness of his warm skin a comfort to my cold one.

"You look beautiful tonight, Bella," he complimented me, never taking his eyes off of mine so I could see the sincerity in his words. I felt a blush creep up my neck; I never was good with compliments.

"Thank you, Jacob," I said in a soft voice, not wanting to disturb the other diners around us.

I had been dating Jacob Black for three months now. He was an extremely handsome, 30-year-old stockbroker on Wall Street. He was remarkably successful, so tonight's dinner at the Rainbow Room in Midtown was no surprise to me. He constantly took me to the finest restaurants, bought me the most expensive clothes, and chauffeured me around in the nicest cars. To say my friends were jealous was an understatement.

"You really lucked out Bella," Rosalie told me the first time she met him. "He's wonderful."

"Imagine having all the designer clothes you could ever want!" Alice squealed. I smiled and rolled my eyes. Like I cared about designer clothes. "I really like him," she added, hugging me.

I really liked him, too. That was the problem. I liked him, nothing more. I was always "fine" when I was around him, nothing more. I longed to have the passionate relationship I had once had. The screaming, fighting, cursing, fabulously unconventional relationship I had had before. When I could think of nothing but his unruly bronze hair or his vibrant green eyes or the way he kissed me… Stop thinking like that Bella, I admonished myself. Now is neither the time nor the place.

Jacob cleared his throat, bringing me back to present. He smiled when I met his eyes. "Are you okay? You seemed like you were a million miles away." I shook my head to clear the thoughts.

"Sorry. Just thinking about an assignment at work." He nodded understandingly. As a journalist, he knew my head could be in the clouds when I had a big deadline coming up.

Jacob nodded his head at the waiter for our check. "Let's get you home then. I know you have a deadline." A small smile ghosted over my lips. He was always so considerate. After settling the bill, he stood up and offered his hand to me. I took it, allowing him to help me out of my chair, and followed him out of the restaurant to the parking garage he had left the car in. We walked in comfortable silence, our hands entwined.

When we reached the car, he opened my door without hesitation, just as he always did. The first time he opened my door for me, I had looked at him as if he had sprouted a second head. No one had ever opened my doors for me. Now I knew it was just the way Jacob was, and I let it be.

The ride home was quiet, my mind in a million different places as I attempted not to think about my last relationship. It was a common practice for me, part of why I kept myself so busy: if I had too many things to occupy my time, I wouldn't think of the one person I so desperately wanted to think of.

We pulled up to the apartment building where I rented a small studio. Jacob frowned at the dilapidated building, but didn't say anything. He knew how I felt about the beloved apartment I had inhabited since college. Even though I could afford a nicer place, I had memories here that I didn't want to tarnish.

"Thank you for tonight, Jacob. I had a great time." I looked over at his profile, awash in the orange glow from the streetlight. He smiled.

"My pleasure as always, Bella. Have a good evening." He pressed his lips gently to mine, never seeking to deepen the kiss. "Good night, sweet one."

He watched me make my way into my building, and when I turned and waved at him, he drove off. I sighed in relief. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy his company, because I did. I just grew tired of pushing past memories out of my mind every time we were together. And though I never meant too, I was constantly comparing him to Edward.

Edward. Now that I had allowed myself to think his name, the floodgates opened and a rush of memories hit me. It was at times like these that I wished fervently for amnesia.

I knew that in comparing the two, Jacob should win, hands down. But I never seemed to be able to tip the scales in his favor.

I let myself into my apartment, setting my purse on the floor and hanging up my coat. I checked my answering machine-no messages. I went through my evening routine—brushing my teeth, washing my make-up off, throwing my hair into a messy ponytail. Once done with that and in my sweats, I sat back on my bed with my laptop, intending to write my column. After 20 minutes of staring blankly at the screen, I gave up, closing my laptop and settling back against my pillows.

I closed my eyes and allowed myself to remember.


"Bella, where the hell are my shoes?" Edward's voice called from my bedroom.

"Check under the bed!" I called back, smiling as I turned the coffeepot on. They had most likely gotten kicked under there during last night's activities. I turned when I heard Edward's footsteps behind me. "Did you find them?" A quick glance at his feet gave me my answer: they had, indeed, been under the bed. I grinned at him, pulling myself up on my toes to kiss him. "What would you do without me?" I teased, running my hands through his hair. He laughed against my mouth.

"Run around barefoot." I screamed as he grabbed my hips, swinging me around so that my back was to the wall as his tongue swept over my lips. I opened my mouth, allowing his tongue access, and he immediately began to massage my tongue with his own. I groaned into his mouth as his hands ran up my body, stopping on my chest that was covered only by a silk bathrobe. With one quick yank, the ties of the robe were undone, and the silky material was falling to the floor.

"Edward," I panted as he placed open-mouthed kisses on my neck, working his way down. "Baby, you're going to be late for work." Even as I said the words, his hot mouth found my nipple and he pulled it into his mouth. I gasped and fisted my hands into his hair, pressing him closer to me. He toyed with it, licking softly, then biting gently and sucking it into his mouth. He did this over and over again, lavishing all his attention onto the task at hand.

His hand roamed over to my free breast, palming it, then taking his fingers and pinching my nipple lightly. I hitched my leg up around his waist, reveling in the feel of his free hand digging into my thigh. He lifted his head from my chest and looked at me with hooded eyes.

"Fuck work." I nodded, knowing that I would be late too, but not caring. All that mattered was Edward's mouth on mine, his hands roaming freely on my body. He continued to attack my lips as his hand slid down my body to my wetness, circling my clit lightly with his finger. I jumped at the sudden contact, pressing my body flush against Edward's as I fought with the buttons on his collared shirt. I growled in frustration when the buttons refused to come undone, my mind clouded in the fabulous torment Edward was inflicting on me. Finally, the shirt was open, and I pushed it off his shoulders and onto the floor, running my hands over his perfectly sculpted chest. He groaned into my mouth as I ran my hands up and over his chiseled abs to his back, where I pressed my hands against him and pulled him to me roughly.

His finger was still circling my clit, his pressure increasing as he heard my breaths start to come faster. He slid two fingers into my throbbing pussy, pushing them in and out while curling his fingers inward. I rode his hand, his ministrations becoming faster as he pulled his lips from mine. I groaned at the loss of contact, but with an impish smile he quickly lowered himself beneath me and gently licked my opening. A surge of white-hot lust went though me, and I placed my foot on his shoulder to give him better access. His tongue joined his fingers in thrusting in and out, faster and faster until I couldn't take it any longer.

"I'm going to cum," I panted right before my orgasm overtook me, screaming at the sweet release as it racked through my body. Edward never removed his lips from their position, continuing to suck and prolonging my orgasm. I was shuddering from the sheer force of it when he gently removed my foot from his shoulder and placed it back on the ground. He enveloped me in his arms, kissing my head gently as he held me.

"Good morning to you too," I mumbled into his shoulder, enjoying the vibrations his body made as he laughed.

"I have to work late tonight, but is it okay if I come by afterwards?" He asked as he retrieved his shirt from the floor and began to button it.

"You have to ask?" I smiled. His smirk gave me his answer. He grabbed his briefcase and gave me another kiss, this one chaste so as not to make us any later than we already were.

"I'll see you tonight." I nodded, closing the door behind him with a wide grin on my face.


I was jarred from my memory by my cell phone vibrating on the bedside table. A quick look at the caller ID told me it was Alice. I flipped it open as I pushed back the flood.

"What up, Al?" I greeted her.

"Just calling to see how your date went tonight," she chirped on the other end.

"It was good. He took me for an early dinner at the Rainbow Room, then brought me back so I could work on my column. My deadline's in two days." I didn't want her to know about my trip down memory lane, but my tone betrayed me.

"Bella, what were you doing when I called?" She asked suspiciously. I blushed, even though no one was there to see me.

"Working on my column. I told you," I answered defensively. Way to go Bella. Getting defensive is a guaranteed tip-off.

"Why don't I believe you?"

"I don't know, Alice. Why don't you?" I was desperately trying to stall her, to get her mind in another direction.

"You were thinking about Edward again, weren't you?" She accused, her tone brooking no room for denial. I sighed in defeat.

"Yes." I heard her growl in frustration.

"How many times have we been through this, Bella? He was no good for you. How many times did you call me in the middle of the night crying because you two had had another fight? How many times did he storm out of your apartment at 4 AM because he was having one of his jealous fits? Bella, you are so much better off without him, and I

don't know why you can't see that."

"I don't know!" I exploded, tears running freely down my cheeks. "I know I'm better off without him Alice, but I loved him. Love him," I corrected quickly. "And Jacob's wonderful and kind, but he's not Edward," I whispered sadly, knowing how pathetic I sounded. I expected Alice to reprimand me, but she surprised me.

"I know, honey," she sympathized. "I know how much you loved Edward, but my God Bella, it's been two years! I'm sure he's moved on; so should you!" The thought of Edward moving on made my heart clench in my chest. I couldn't picture him with anybody but me. I sighed.

"I know Alice, I know. I just…it's hard, you know? Jacob's the first guy I've seriously dated since Edward and I split up, and I guess I'm just having trouble adjusting to the differences." My voice was weak; I was suddenly exhausted.

"Yeah, I know. Listen, you sound tired, so I'm going to let you go, but only if you promise not to think about him anymore."

"No promises Ali, but I'll try."

"Good enough for me. I'll call you in the morning to see how you're feeling." I smiled at her concern.

"Thanks Alice. Love you."

"Love you, too."

After hanging up, I cuddled into my pillow, breaking my promise to Alice and returning my thoughts to Edward.


"What were you doing with Mike Newton?" Edward's voice was dangerously low. I rolled my eyes as I pushed past him.

"I'm not allowed to have lunch with my friends?" I asked him, going to the refrigerator for a bottle of water. Edward grabbed my arm, spinning me around to face him.

"You know how I feel about him." I jerked my arm out of his grip.

"I know, Edward, and it's ridiculous. Mike and I have been friends since college. We've always been just friends and we'll always be just friends. You're accusations are completely unfounded and insulting." His eyes narrowed.

"Unfounded? You don't see the way he looks at you, do you? Like he wants to throw you on the table and fuck you senseless." I snorted in disgust.

"Really, Edward, do you have to be so crass?"

"Don't try to change the subject," he warned. I sighed.

"I'm not trying to change the subject. I don't understand why you can't see that Mike and I are just friends. I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, but I'm not going to burn bridges with my friends. You're just going to have to trust me."

"Trust you?" He spat, his eyes becoming dangerous slits. Great, I thought to myself. Here it comes.

"You ask me to trust you, but you go out with Newton behind my back. I have to find out from Emmett that you were with him. I would trust you, but you constantly lie to me!" That did it. I was in full defensive mode.

"First of all, I did not lie to you! I told you I was having lunch with a friend, and that's exactly what I did. I didn't think to tell you it was Mike because it was No. Big. Deal. And Emmett needs to mind his own business instead of getting involved in ours all the time! And speaking of trust, since I have given you NO reason not to trust me, would you mind explaining to me why you don't?"

"No reason? I just told you: You deliberately deceived me. And you do it all the time."

"What?" I shrieked. "I did not deceive you! I never deceive you! Edward, I know you have trust issues, but this has got to stop!" I always tried to avoid mentioning his past, but I was fed up and not thinking clearly.

"You know what? I don't have to stand here and let you lie to me." He began to put his coat on, waiting for me to stop him like I normally did. But I was too angry and too hurt. He walked out the door without another word, slamming it shut behind him as the tears of frustration rolled down my cheeks. There was only one thing to do.

I dug my cell out of my bag and punched in a number.


"Alice, it's me."


It was amazing that the memories I had of our relationship were either magnificent or horrendous. There was no in-between with us. We were volatile, passionate, and completely wrong for each other. Yet we were hopelessly in love and always managed to work through our problems. Yes, his trust issues and fondness for throwing jealous fits was a major issue between us, but the love and passion we had for each other more than made up for it.


After I finished bitching to Alice, I decided to get ready for bed. Everything would look better in the morning. I was brushing my teeth, looking out the window at the sudden rainstorm when a figure below my window caught my attention. It was Edward, his expression one of dejection and longing. I stood there for a long moment, studying him, deciding if I really wanted to go out into the storm. In the end, love won.

I ran as quickly as I could down the steps to the lobby of the building, not even pausing as I barreled through the doors into the rainstorm. He turned when he heard me, raindrops clinging to his hair. I took a step towards him, fury overtaking me.

"Dammit, Edward! Why do you have to be like this?" I cursed, crossing my arms. He shrugged.

"Because I'm fucked up. But it doesn't mean I don't love you." He took a tentative step towards me, his hands hanging at his sides in a show of defeat. "Baby, I'm so sorry. You know I don't mean any of the things I say. I just get so crazy at the thought of losing you…" He trailed off, looking at me with wide eyes. I searched them, looking for any sign of the anger I had seem earlier, but it had disappeared, only to be replaced with sadness and apology.

"You can't keep doing this," I told him. He nodded.

"I know. I promise I'll be better. You can hang out with Mike all you want and I won't say a word. I don't deserve you Bella, I know that. I don't want to do anything to lose you." My heart melted at his words, and I closed the distance between us, throwing myself into his arms and kissing him with everything I had. He kissed me back passionately, lifting me off the ground to get closer. I knew I had forgiven him easily, but what could I do? I was hopelessly in love with Edward Cullen. And nothing would change that.

We stayed in the rain, kissing, until I started to shiver from the cold. Edward wrapped his arm tightly around me and led me inside. "I never should have let you come outside," he admonished himself as we let ourselves into my apartment.

"It's fine," I assured him, shivering. He shook his head.

"No it's not. If I hadn't been such an idiot earlier, you never would have come out into the rain to talk to me." He surveyed my wet appearance. "Let's get you out of those clothes. Come on." He led me to the bathroom, where he turned the shower on full blast and helped my out of my wet clothes. He then undressed himself and helped me into the hot water. I let the water melt the tension in my shoulders as Edward lovingly kissed my forehead. I looked up to meet his gaze before pressing my lips to his. He sighed into my mouth and pressed me gently against the wall, the tile cold against my back. He continued to kiss me tenderly as he hitched my leg up around his waist and pressed his hard cock against my opening.

"Please, Edward," I whimpered, needing him to be inside me. This was always the case after one of our fights.

He didn't need to be asked twice. He pushed in gently, gasping in unison with me as we became connected. He pumped in and out slowly, not wanting to rush, and continued to kiss me reverently. I couldn't stand it anymore.

"Faster, Edward!" I pleaded. He happily obliged. He started to pump in and out faster, harder, his cock slamming against my g-spot as I gasped in pleasure. He pulled out quickly and spun me around so that my hands were on the wall, placing his hands on my hips and slamming into me from behind. The position allowed him deeper access, and I knew it was a favorite of his.

"Oh, God, Edward. Don't stop," I gasped, loving the feeling of his rigid cock inside me. My plea only made him go faster, our skin slapping together as the hot water of the shower rained down on my back. I could feel my orgasm coming on, and by the rapidness of his breathing, I guessed Edward was as close as I was.

"You are so goddamnmed sexy Bella," he moaned as he squeezed my ass, eliciting a matching moan from me.

"Edward, I'm…so…close." No sooner had the words left my mouth than my orgasm ripped through me, my walls tightening around Edward. It must have spurred his own orgasm, because I felt him plunge deep and still his movements. I was breathing hard against the wall as he placed a gentle kiss on my back, pulling out of me slowly and holding me against him.

"Let's go to bed," he whispered, turning off the water and grabbing a towel. He dried me off and helped me slip in my robe before drying himself off, then swept me and up and carried me to bed. He tucked me in before climbing in himself, cuddling me to his chest as I sighed in contentment.

"I love you Bella. Don't ever doubt that."

"I never do. I love you too, Edward."


God it hurt to think about him. It felt as if part of me was missing with him gone. After two years the pain had still not gone away. I dreaded to think that I feel like this for the rest of my life.

While my life was blissfully drama free without Edward's presence, it was also boring and empty. My world had revolved around Edward.

I sighed and turned onto my side, willing the memories to go away.


"I can't take it anymore!" I screeched, hands fisted at my sides. Two months after our last argument about Mike and Edward's subsequent promise to let it go, he brought it back up again. This time he was accusing me of cheating on him with Mike. With no proof.

"Can't take what? Cheating on me?" I muffled a scream by placing a pillow in front of my face.

"What the hell is wrong with you? For the last time. I. Am. Not. Cheating. On. You. I haven't even seen Mike in a month!"

"That's not what Tanya said. She said she saw you two yesterday-"

"Fuck Tanya!" I screamed, so loudly Edward stepped back in surprise. "She's trying to ruin our relationship because she wants to fuck you! Honestly, Edward, you accuse me of being blind when it's fucking obvious to everyone but you that Tanya just wants me out of the picture! She's filling your head with doubts about us so we'll break up and she can have you to herself. How can you not see that?" He looked dumbstruck.

"You're just trying to change the subject," he accused. I closed my eyes and counted to ten, willing myself not to make any rash decisions. When I opened them and saw his look of condemnation, I knew I wasn't being rash. I sighed, defeated.

"Edward, I can't do this anymore. I can't fight with you every day about something that isn't even happening. I can't take your jealousy. I can't take your mood swings. I just…can't take it anymore," I said softly, gauging his reaction. He looked nervous.

"Edward, I think we should break up." There. The words were out. Though it broke my heart to say them, I knew it was for the best. I was exhausted from three years of constant bickering. His eyes widened; he knew I was serious. I would never utter those words if I wasn't.

"Why?" He whispered, his beautiful eyes filling with tears I had only seen once before. They triggered my own, but I was not as good at holding them back.

"I just told you," I whispered back, the tears flowing freely down my cheeks.

"But…I-I love you, Bella. I don't want to be without you." My heart broke further.

"I love you too, Edward, but sometimes, love is not enough." Though it physically hurt to say those words, I knew they were true. He shook his head violently.

"No, I won't lose you. I'll change. I'll stop listening to Tanya. I'll be different." I took his face in my hands gently.

"I don't want you to be different," I told him. "And it's not just Tanya. You were jealous long before you met Tanya. And you won't change. You've promised me before that you would, but you haven't. I just can't keep doing this Edward. I think it's better for both of us if we just stop seeing each other." I choked back the sob that threatened to rip out of my throat at Edward's heartbroken expression. I removed my hands from his face and swiped the tears from my face. Though I was crying, he could see the resolve in my eyes and knew that arguing with me would do no good. He nodded in defeat and went to grab his jacket.

"I'll always love you, Bella," he said as he went to the door, opening it slowly and looking back at me. "I hope you get everything you've ever wanted in life." With that said, he walked out and closed the door gently behind him, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.


I felt tears sting my eyes as I remembered that night two years ago. Letting him go was simultaneously the smartest and dumbest thing I had ever done. But at the time, it had been the right thing to do.

I jumped as my phone vibrated again. I reached for it and flipped it open, seeing I had a text message from Jacob.

I had a wonderful time tonight. Good night, sweet one.

I smiled sadly, flipping my phone closed, and returned to my painful memories.