Terra: This is a…collab fic with my friend… insanity and this is plainly weird. Well, started off with a challenge… We're both bored, I guess. And then… it evolved into this. She's supposed to write humor while I counter her with horror. So, this is what comes out. I hate you…
Friend: I love you too, Terra 8D
Out of It
"You slept with my wife!"
"Yes, I am married! You've known me for seventeen years!"
"Eighteen on this frida-"
"No! Shut up, Roxas! You slept with my wife!"
"Oh come on, Zex. We're both reasonable adults. I did not sleep with your wife. It was merely the way of human reproduction using a mechanism called the condom to make sure we did not make a child."
At this point, Zexion was a fuming red. For seventee-eighteen years, he had known this boy, and on the eve of their friendship's anniversary, he learns that he's been sleeping with his wife. In his bed, to make matters worse! It was complete and utter madness!
This. Is. SPA-
"Roxas, please tell me this is all some sick, sadistic joke."
"…Yes?" Roxas chuckled, narrowing his eyes. "Yes, this is a sick, sadistic joke," he replied darkly.
"Wha…?" Zexion paused in his words, blinking for a while. What exactly was happening?
"I'll tell you again. Sick, sadistic joke." Roxas replied, licking his lips, his expression was a dangerous one.
Zexion somehow shivered when he looked into Roxas' blank and cold eyes. He gulped, taking a step back. "What are you doing with my wife?" he frowned.
Roxas smirked, releasing a breath. "Oh…don't you know?" and he dangerously grabbed the knife that was conveniently put on the counter near him; its razor sharp tip blinked dangerously.
"Put that down." Zexion said, trying to be as calm as possible.
Roxas laughed darkly. "No can do, Zex…after all, this is a sick, sadistic joke…"
"Wait! Before you do whatever you're about to do, why the hell did you sleep-slash-inflict your sadistic fetishes on her?!" Zexion stared blankly at Roxas.
"Dude, I said I was sorry! I didn't know she was your wife!"
"How the hell could you not know?!"
"She's been to three christmas parties with us, seven baby showers, and fourteen family reunions that, might I add, we're not even blood-related too!"
"Um, about that-"
"You were at the engagement party! You were at my bachelor's party! Your sister was a freaking maid of honor!"
"Look! I'm sorry! She's just so damn hot!"
"Hey! She looks like a hot man!" Roxas flipped the knife nonchalantly between his fingers.
"Don't say that about my wife!"
"I said she looks like a hot man." Roxas narrowed his eyes, his frustration gone from his face. "What part of this did you not understand?" he muttered under his breath, stepping closer to Zexion, his knife held dangerously in a stabbing position.
"I told you what I have to say, Zexion. I don't know what part of this you don't understand. You don't like the fact that I slept with your wife…" Roxas hissed. "What can we do about it?" he glared, about ready to put the sharp object into use.
Zexion gasped, backing away more from the dangerous blond in front of him.
"Don't you see that it's an accident?" Roxas hissed again, holding his knife up, backing Zexion to a wall.
"You still slept with her! Also, you're not holding it correctly." Zexion took the hand holding the knife and turned it differently.
"If you're trying to stab the attack in the stomach, you've got to have a more predatorial stance. Right now your stance is like fat chef trying to chop the head off a chicken. I expected more from you."
Zexion knelt at the floor of the stunned Roxas, and shifted his feet, "Sheesh Roxas, and if you're planning to stab someone, at least wear shoes that won't get stained with blood! It's a waste of these white converse if there are blood stains all over them, right?"
"There, if you try slicing my neck, now you'll be able to do so without getting blood on those nice shoes. Anyway, if you're going to slit my neck, it's better from this way. Any question?"
"Sure..." Roxas chuckled darkly, quickly snatching his knife back and taking a deep breath. "You mean…like this, right?" he practiced what Zexion had just taught him.
"Yeah, that's correct." Zexion nodded.
Roxas laughed insanely. "Great! Now, anymore comments?"
"No, not really." Zexion replied.
Roxas took in more breathe. "Good." He muttered under his breath.
As Zexion had taught him, he held the knife in the right way, heading in, and approaching the boy in a single step. Grabbing the knife firm, he reached for Zexion's neck and slit the man's throat slightly, drawing out blood. He smirked, giggling and laughing at the same time. "Thanks for the lesson." He cut in even deeper to Zexion's throat using the knife.
"Wait! Is that knife sterlized?" Zexion's hand grabbed Roxas' wrist.
Roxas stared at his victim, "Huh?"
"I asked if that blade was sterilized. I mean, I don't want to contract any diseases. By the way, you know that's an inefficient way to kill me, right? There's an artery right here," Zexion used a hand to poke at the side of his neck, " that would be a perfect target. By the way, why are you are you using a kitchen knife? I'm sure you could be a little more creative than slitting my neck with a bloody kitchen knife. Come on, Roxas. Where's your old creativity?"
Roxas grumbled. "You want creativity? Fine. I'll give you my creativity."
He walked away, settling down his knife back on the counter. Then, he searched around in the drawer and he beamed. "Found it…" he whispered under his breath, showing the razor sharp ice pick that he had found to Zexion. Holding the deadly weapon tight, he ran over to Zexion and stabbed Zexion's stomach, pulling it out and stabbing again for a couple of times.
Zexion coughed and choked, feeling the pain suddenly rushing into him.
Roxas laughed. "So, what do you think now? What do you think about the whole fact that I slept with your wife?"
"Gah! Roxas! You ass! Stay away from my wife!"
Roxas cackled, wiping the now bloody icepick on a kitchen towel, "For the record, I lied. We didn't use a condom."
Zexion gaped at Roxas with wide eyes, before slowly closing his eyes for the last time, "You..hoe."
The blond grinned, and placed his hands on his hips, "I'm not a gardening tool, fool!"
-a week later-
Roxas had somehow successfully gotten scotch-free from the, ehem, incident, and was now waiting for Zexion's wife-.. Erm …ex-wife, to arrive at his house for their daily 'comforting session.' (hinthintwinkwinknudgenudge)
However, Roxas walked into his kitchen to see a very strange sight.
Zexion, the man whose funeral he'd attended not but a day ago, was sitting on his counter, twirling the very icepick used to take his life.
"So, I read the autopsy. Remember that seafood barbeque we had earlier the week? Yeah, they found traces of shrimp in me. So much for disinfectant, you jerkoff."