The Eds' EDventure
Chapter 1: The TV
WOAH THERE! Didn't this look a bit different? Why, yes it did. Yes it did. You see, on the annaversary of ending Sweet Jade and Hella John (for those who don't already know what that is, don't worry about it yet) I decided to go through... about half of the fan fics I have that's part of the SBIG series, and edit them up a bit. Mostly, the original plan is to change up some typoes, and make it clearer to read. But I will also change around the plot, related details, etc a lot, so that's why I have uploaded the original version on the fanfiction wiki.
What is SBIG? Well, I'm glad you asked: (By the way, this following paragraph will be somewhere in the beginning AN to every installment after the Great Typo Cleanup, even stuff like sequels and prequels and spinoffs. Unaltered, so you can skip this since if you've read one, you've read them all)
Welcome to SBIG! This is a series of purposefully badly done stories that care very little with making sense or trying to add any emotional impact. Or... that's the intent. This is sort of like a bad attempt at comedy. Now, two things I try to avoid with this when comparing the installments to other fics done bad on purpose. One is making them unreadable (but this... admittedly wasn't always a major focus of mine). Two is that this isn't going to get... too disgusting. Well, it might in some stories, but it won't rely on grossout factors as an entertainment value, and even the ones that do teeter into uncomfortable territory won't be trying to really 'outdo' other fics that do this. The only thing I try to trump myself in is the plot's stupidity. Not how hard it is to read it, and not how disgusted (or infuriated for that matter) you will be by it.
And, to be more specific to this story (and for people new to this), this installment is the first. And this was originally the first fan fic I have ever published.
The Eds were watching TV. This is what was said:
"Be on the lookout for a six kids trying to steal TVs."
But then they were interrupted... IT WAS STOLEN BY SIX KIDS! AND IT WAS THE KIDS TOO!
"WE MUST SAVE IT." Eddy said, "I HAVE THE MAGAZINE CHANNEL TIVOED ON THAT."
Looking for advice, Edd suggested "We must ask Jeeves" so they did on the web (which is better than TV why don't they just watch internet instead? "And what, ruin the plot" as Eddy would backhand) and Jeeves said, "Run them over."
So they ran up, and then they looked on the roof. The kids were partying at Kevin's house so that made him the main villain. So they went back down, and into Ed's room, and into the closet. Where his spongeb collection was. Behind the sponges there were... CAR KEYS!
"We must use this." Eddy says.
And so they got into the car but forgot that they were too young to drive! So Eddy ended up not being able to fit out of the closet, and they tore a hole in the doorway, but since they did not know how to drive they couldn't slow so the stairs was more like a ramp.
"WE MUST SLOW!" Edd cried, causing them to shoot off and through the roof and landing into the roof of Kevin's house!
"He's is here now." Kevin laughed as he got out a sword, "Dorks. We will trump you."
But then Ed remembered that his mom kept a gun in the comprartment for a disturbing reason. He waved it around. "WE MUST COUNT-ATTACK YOU FOR STEALING FROM US!"
"Ha ha! Way to pull that!" Eddy cried, "Now give the gun to me before you get one of us killed."
Eddy got the gun, and the trio ninja-jumped out like a trio of ninjas. But then Rolf drew out a long sword and laughed, "Go ahead and try, Ed-boys." He said, and dove at them with a sword stab, but Eddy shoot and the bullet went to the blade and disintegated it as it grinded along, which went all the way to the handle and then the holder, killing Rolf off.
"No way!" Jonny shouted, throwing his magic accorns from the superhero episode. But all this did was Eddy shot him.
"Alright, now we'll skip the other four and go straight to final boss." Kavin said, revving up his engine of the bike. Eddy was crossing his hands as he shot but he forgot which hand held the gun because he was too young to hold guns. He thought he was holding an empty hand at Edd for a joke and a full-gun hand at Kevin not for a joke but for a more serious reason, so when he fired he accidentally shot Edd by mistake. In the heart. Realizing this, they all ran outside.
"Ha ha," Kevin said, "Losers."
They were holding a cremation for Edd. By making a bonefire of sticks out in the middle of the street. Ed was simply crying while Eddy was being more dramatic for drama: "WHY GOD, WHY?" He cried. Both in that he shouted that and he was literally frying. They then threw him on the fire.
But before they did that and before he was dead, he spoke to them. "I have one last secret." And took off his hat! His hair looked normal but THERE WERE MAGAZINES! "I am sorry, I am not as honorable as I was initially presented."
"Hm... normally I would like to read them," Eddy said, "BUT, I am undergoing character development! So I will undergo the more intellegent plan of using the pages to... sniff, burn them, and use that new fuel to further strength the fire!"
So that's what they did, and marched to their house and burned it down, which also killed the other kids! Take that, for killing Edd!
But then, something rose out of the ashes. It was not a phenix. It was instead the KANKER SISTERS!
"Ha! Now that you have gotten rid ofthe Kevin and Sarah, the only kids strong enough to defeat us, we are now free to dictator over the Cul-de-sac!" Lee cried. "And our first new rule: We don't think you're hot anymore, so WE'RE GOING TO KILL YOU!"
Ed held a arm out in front of him. "But don't worry Eddy," He said, "You were the one who developed the idea to burn the magazines and strongen the fire. I was not. You're the plan-carrying mastermind without Double D so I must sacrifice myself to keep you alive. Run to my house. There is still another car and a certain glimmer of hope there."
So Eddy took off in a run and didn't look back when the Kankers quickly cut Ed by their claws. He was dead too now. He was halfway to Ed's house when they were running after him, but Eddy quickly shut the door and moved a piano (AN you might think that those are just another generic instrument like clarinets and drums but those are actually big so I did research) in to block them. Eddy ran his way around and to the basement Ed's room, then he heard the window break.
"OH NO! They figured out that they can break in through the window!" He shouted to himself, "I thought it was either that or the back door! Either way, I must run! But the stairs are not... good, since they might see me."
Then he heard a ding. Elevator! Not the lightbulb this isn't Looney Tunes but I think EENE is imspired by that. Eddy got in as he heard the Kankers busting through the room with Lee saying "He's might be in Ed's room since they hang in eachother's rooms like yaoi." But thankfully the doors closed when he saw their shadows casting across the room. Anyway, he tried pushing the 'roof' button for lookout(A) - BUT THE ELEVATOR BROKE! The cord holding it up snapped since it failed health inspection (it was kind of like the Spongebob episode) and so Eddy fell below the basement. When the doors opened, he was in a secret floor and the floor there was a long wooden thing.
"Hello? Is any there?" He ased.
It was. There was. It was Peter Griffin from Family Guy! Thankfully, while he may uften times be a dick, he's not here, so he's helpful to Eddy.
"Hi, I am Peter Griffin. Ed's parents put me under here in a secret basement-below-a-basement because they thought I was a threat to humanity and I lost a bet with his mom. Or should I say hot mom because that's more in-character. But they're idiots who also put in their other, faster car with rockets. Not knowing that I can break out at any time, but I decided not too since I'm too stupid to know how to go up in the car."
"Oh I played the games all the time, or at least watch Double D since I'm too cool for games. Anyway, I can guide you, but not do the driving part."
"Oh I can! I can drive!"
"Excellent. You must be that glimmer of hope Ed was talking about!"
And then Peter danced while Eddy walked ot car.
"The engine's kind of outdated. This is 2009 not the ninteen seventies. Oh well, just because I was born in the 90s doesn't mean I'm outdated and will break down immediately. Let's drive it for a drive."
And they got in and Eddy was at first in the driver's seat before Peter Griffin said, "You are too yougn to drive. I am not at the age of forty two., Let's switch." And they switched. Then, Peter drove off, took away and flew up, going past all of the floors and beyond where there is no floors: The sky. And also, space. Where they landed on the moon. Then they drove around a bit while not making zero-g jokes since this story became too serious for that, and drove back down to Earth in Los Angles (get it, it's a parody of Los Angeles but in all seriousness it's in the same place just with a different name for copyright reasons) and to the trailer park, dive-crashing it to kill the Kankers. Eddy lived because he had his seatbelt on, while PEter died because he was a wreckless and did not care about caution or statistics. They Kankers died too since they were hit by a car that dive-bomed them from space. Wear your seatbelts that is the lesson of this story.
"Argh... umph..." Before he died Peter Griffin said, with his clothes burned up from the fire (and it was an attempt at comedy that he was dying with his butt in the air so we can all see his fat naked), "Wait... kid... I don't think we introduced. My name is Peter Griffin. Peter is my first name, and Griffin is my last name. I do not know my middle name, so I can't tell you."
"My name is Eddy Skipper. Eddy is my first name, Skipper is my middle name. I do not know my last name so I can't tell you."
So Peter died, and with that Eddy was left as the last person on the cul-de-sac. Or so he thought. He was about to consider to leave out and explore the world for more people, but then Girlfriend walked out from a closet and they met. She looked like Nazz but with green hair and different clones.
"Well I do love you." Eddy said like the 50s. "We should and got married and had kids."
"Thanks, and I am also considering to make a machine that will bring the dead back to life."
"Ok I'll wait here, but I am still thinking of leaving."
She walked off and began building.
"I hope she does not take too long..." He said. "Or else."
A: Yes, this is a reference to how I used to how I used to rip this from Half Life: Full Life Consequences. Both of the cars were originally on the roof, but now I chose to make the parallels a tiny bit less obvious. And by pointing this out, I believe this retroactively makes this the first fic of mine to have footnotes (I won't count Simpsons Meets Brandy and Mr. Whiskers if it has them too, because while I had the idea a lot sooner, it was not published until after all of this/will not be published until the future), which is good I guess, since it takes off a trivia mark of Total Drama World Tour Rewrite. Maybe.
Well, that's that. The end of the beginning, sort of. Not much to say about it, other than that I am surprised that I can still write short SBIG chapters, even if this is just a remake of a short SBIG chapter. You can find the original, (even) shorter version on... well, right now, it's on the userpage of the fanfiction wiki, although I am thinking of moving it and the old Zombie Attack! out to their own pages.
Anyway, yes, there will be a chapter two. It was always on the back of my mind, hense the lack of a "complete" tag back then and how there's still not one now. (Although that was because I was afraid that saving this as something "complete" means that you can't edit it again, ever, or something like that.) Originally, the ending was a lot more "final" and would have not been the preceedings for the next chapter, since plannings for what that chapter was didn't come for a while.
By the way, the first four reviews are all referring to the old version, to ease up any possible confusion.