Title: What's that in your pants?

Summary: Ryuuku and Rem wonder where human babies come from. Raito/Misa Rem/Ryuuku (sort of) A quick look into the love life (or not) of a Shinigami. M for a reason. Warning chapter three, Yaoi, Raito molesting!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I do want to own Ryuuku, he's mah kinda guy. But I own nothing… shit…

Warning: M for a reason. I am going to try and take this as far as I can. There will be inappropriate behaviour and touching. You have been warned.

A/N: I borrowed one line from South Park. I was trying to change it, but the way they described it was so amazing. Can you spot it? Hope you have as much fun reading as I had fun writing.

…---Chapter three---…

"Alright so this…" The scary female points at the television, noting at the two men doing their thing to each other. She motions to the tip of the smaller man's penis, where clear fluid is dripping over the shaft of the smaller man. "…is what men put in women to make babies?"

Misa nods and claps her hands once. Who would have thought teaching her Shinigami could be so exiting? Usually Rem would teach her things, so this was a nice twist of things. "When a man's penis gets hard they put it inside a woman's vagina and then he sneezes milk into her belly, she gets pregnant and the man loses interest in her."

"Really?" Rem moves her head to Ryuuku who remains blissfully unaware of it all. He has been studying the two men on screen, feeling feelings he has felt only a few times before. He was getting extremely uncomfortable watching the television, watching how the dominant man added his third finger inside the smaller male. Why was he getting so nervous watching this? Raito would know why!

The manly Shinigami floats towards his human and notices he looks quite uncomfortable as well. Was he feeling like this because of what was happening on the telly? Misa didn't seem bothered so it must be a guy thing. There is a connection there!

"Then what about two males? Surely a man cannot get a baby, so why do they bother going through all that?" Rem looks over her shoulder towards the screen, the dominant man had removed his fingers and was now trying to suck the smaller man's face off, while the submissive male was begging for something.

"Well… men have something inside of them that is just as sensitive as a woman's clitoris. That's why he likes it." Misa was putting all of her knowledge to the test. She got the idea of how everything worked, but what was the best way to explain it?

"So if I put my finger…" Ryuuku extends his index finger, long, slim and a very sharp nail at the end. He turns to his favourite human. "…you'll like that?"

In his turn Raito goes very pale, this is what he has been afraid of! Two Shinigamies acting things out with each other was one thing, though he was unsure as to how far they could go since he was unsure if Rem had the necessary equipment in her panties (So to speak) But the very thought of Ryuuku trying things out on him!? The gay porn had to die, now!

"Of course I won't like it!" He snaps at the Shinigami when his index finger comes a little too close to him. Ryuuku would never hurt him on purpose, or so he hoped, but the Death God had this thing for making his human happy. And there lay the real dilemma.

"You pretend not to like it, but secretly you like it!" Ryuuku has made the connection, the male on the telly liked the finger inside of him, but was moaning and squirming as if he didn't like it. He didn't know why one would act like that, though it probably was a human thing, but who cares?

Ryuuku is so smart sometimes.

"Say something…" The brunette desperately turns to Rem, who is supposed to have a little more of a brain then Ryuuku.

"You could have a point there." She instead supports the idea her fellow Shinigami has been sprouting. Raito had one last chance to make things right, or he would be utterly molested by them. He was not in the mood for that.

"There are three main types of sex. A woman and a man, two men, or two women. The majority of humans like the first, a woman and a man. These people are called straight. But when two woman love each other, or two men love each other, they are called gay. I… am not gay…" Both scary faces light up, both catching the idea.

"So that's why you won't like ME to put my finger in your ass?" Raito slowly nods, a weight is falling from his shoulders. His Shinigami gets the idea. However, in the corner of his eye he sees something so horrific, something he hadn't anticipated, so vile it terrifies him. Because now, Rem is extending her long index finger, very bony and even sharper then Ryuuku's finger. "So if I…"


"But I am a female!" She defends herself, Ryuuku agrees with her and Misa can't stop giggling. Blessed by the Gods, Raito spots a distraction.

"What's that!?" He points at the television and the heads of both Gods snap towards the screen where the dominant man has a device in his hand. It is shaped like a penis, white with a purple belt and when he switches it on it starts to vibrate. The big man is rubbing a clear fluid over it. Whatever could it be?

"That's called lube, it makes it easier to move." Misa explains.

"Move what?" On the screen the big man puts the white thing inside of the smaller man who begins to shudder, squirm and moan even louder. His breathing becomes heavier and he wraps one of his long legs around the waist of the bigger man. The manly Shinigami has been watching in awe, feeling uncomfortable and somehow, bothered.

"That thing is bigger then a finger. So you will love it when I put something like that inside you right?' Rem is getting more and more determined to try that out on Raito. She can't practise it on Ryuuku because he is too big and if he struggles like the small man on the television struggles she will be unable to hold him down, but the poor human sitting next to Misa however, he would suffice. He could struggle and scream all he wants, she is very strong and can easily hold him down. Now if only Rem knew how to get one of those… white vibrating things…

"How come you're not gay?" Secretly, Ryuuu is a little disappointed that Misa and Rem can put their fingers in Raito, but Ryuuku can't because he is a man. His finger is much bigger then theirs, it was unfair!

"I just don't like men."

"Why not?"

"I just don't"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a guy too."


"So I'm not into men!"

"Why not?" This was going nowhere… If it hadn't been for the male on the television having his orgasm, thus successfully drawing Ryuuku's attention back to the screen he doesn't know where this would have gone. The Shinigami would probably prove that he is as worthy to stick his finger inside of him as much as the females

Really, Raito is afraid of having to go to bed alone later tonight.

"Now the small male is finished, but the big male hasn't sneezed into his belly yet." As if the couple heard the Shinigami's comment, the bigger man on the screen removes his boxers and the smaller male starts stroking him, putting the lube on him.

"That thing is big."

"Aha! Mine's bigger!" Ryuuku is viewing the contents of his pants again and compares sizes. There was one little thing that bothered him though… "How come he is hard and I'm not?"

"You aren't turned on by this." Misa gives him a sympathetic look.

"Are you?" Why are they harassing Raito like this? He pleads the gay porn is over soon. It seems to by the looks of it, the smaller male is laying on his stomach and the big man is pounding in to him, both are moaning and breathing heavily, though the smaller male seems to be in a lot of pain as well.

"No… I'm not…"

"I don't believe you…" One of the most dangerous things about Ryuuku was that his facial expression barely changes, meaning it is impossible to capture his mood and intensions. Also, Ryuuku doesn't enjoy being lied to. He can be manipulated, maybe, but Raito has never lied to him, not even now. The Shinigami however, thinks he IS being lied to. And his human is too late to react. Ryuuku being very fast and all.

"No! Get…" He chokes back a mewl of sheer horror when Ryuuku grabs him, holds him on his place and starts rubbing his nether regions, being none to gently about it. He knew the God was strong but this isn't funny, and he really should stop struggling or the Shinigamies will think he is enjoying this attention like the male on the telly, thus giving them ideas. Misa is trying to stop Ryuuku from molesting her boyfriend (Since she wasn't even allowed to do so) and Rem was trying to hold her back from stopping Ryuuku molesting the poor young man. Lucky for everyone, before Raito can react and rise to the sudden attention, (No pun intended) Ryuuku is soon finished groping him.

"I'm sorry I thought you were lying to me…" He mutters and hugs his favourite human, almost breaking him in half. "…'s ok…"

He is still shaking when his Shinigami releases him and moves back and towards the television, hiding his further intensions of molesting his human later. Raito had kicked him against his knee which kind of hurt, he had to capture his human from a different angle if he wanted to prevent being kicked again. Maybe he should try putting his finger in from the angle the big male on the television was holding the smaller male? Raito wouldn't be able to kick him trapped between a big Shinigami and the floor.

Raito himself has finally recovered from the shock, and is now afraid of losing his virginity to a Shinigami. The television has to die! "Alright… this is… enough…"

"Why?" It is not Rem or Ryuuku, but Misa who doesn't get why he would want to stop the movie.

"I just got molested by a Death God!" Misa cocks her head to the side and goes aaaw at his blush. Rem is catching on to the young man's intensions, and she doesn't seem happy with that. She glares "I want to see the rest of the movie."

"Hell no!" Raito swiftly gets up, but Rem is faster.

"Sit." She hisses and pushes him down, hands on his hips to keep him from moving from the couch. She produces her deadliest glare, a promise that if he tries to run she will slam him down on the couch again before he can make it to the door.

"I really…" Rem cuts him off. Unlike Ryuuku, her expression can change drastically.

"Does Rem have to tie you down to this here couch?" Raito shakes his head. He was so going to be raped before the movie was over. This was not how he planned his evening…