Hiya.I had another burst of inspiration and time to force than inspiration into readable words. Hope you like it.
Disclaimer: The Mighty Boosh and all characters belong to Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding, BBC and Baby Cow Productions. I make no money from this, so don't sue me! :)
Warning: Some swears. Slightly weird concept. Alternative Universe.
"This is Howard. Howard this is my son, Vince."
"Alright." Vince said, not looking up from his edition of Cheekbone or bothering to take out his iPod. He was used to his mum bringing back men to the house. She'd gush about how he was 'the one' for three weeks and then cry about how it didn't work out. It never worked out and Vince knew this guy was going to be no different.
"Good afternoon, Vince."
"Right, Howard. You sit down and I'll get you a cup of tea."
When his mum had left, he finally opted to look up at the new love of his mum's life. Tall, nice eyes, moustache, average dress sense. Not too shabby.
"So." he said slowly, "you banging my mum?"
Howard looked shocked and slightly sick. "No," he gabbled quickly, "we're just friends."
"Sure you are." the younger man smirked. "You're younger than most of the guys she dates though. She must fancy a toy-boy."
"How dare you? Do you have no respect for you mother at all?"
"Nope. She's a slag. How d'you two meet?"
"In a… bar." Howard faltered, his cheeks colouring slightly.
"Yeah right. It was either a strip club or a sex shop." Howard's turned an even deeper shade of red. "It's okay." grinned Vince, standing up and dropping his magazine to the floor. "I wont judge you." And without pausing for breath he yelled; "Mum, I'm going out!"
"No you're not!"
"I am, I've got a gig! Bye!" and "Lovely to meet you Howard, I'm sure it wont be happening again." With a sickly, sweet smile, he disappeared out of the door , leaving Howard with a rather bitter taste in his mouth.
Vince got in at about five in the morning, the same time coincidently as Howard was leaving.
"Oi oi!" wooped Vince, staggering up the path as Howard quietly shut the front door. "Look at you, creeping about like a burglar. And you said you weren't banging my mum. You're pathetic." he spat. Then he swayed dangerously and landed heavily against the cold wall of the house.
"Keep your voice down." Howard blushed.
"You keep yours down." then Vince exploded with drunken giggles, "I bet my mum didn't say that."
"You are a sick man." Howard snarled, straightening his clothes importantly and, with as much dignity as a man who's jumped bumped into an intoxicated young man whilst fleeing from their slut of a mother can muster, he got into his car and drove off. Vince just flopped onto the doorstep and laughed himself into an alcohol-induced coma. Blissful.
To Vince's utmost surprise, Howard kept coming around. It was like some kinda flaming record. Vince had never seen his mum so infatuated with any one man. Howard had passed the three week record, he'd even past a month but it was at six weeks that things took a turn for the strange.
Vince was DJ-ing at the local gay club in town. He loved it there, he always got massive tips, loads of the punters were clambering to buy him drinks and although Vince wasn't gay exactly, he wasn't entirely opposed to the odd fling with a particularly well fashioned gentleman, or a exceptionally good looking young man.
He was in the zone tonight. The crowd was rocking and Vince was high on life and a few other things as he punched the air and bobbed around excitedly.
"Hey." a quiet voice from below distracted him from his erratic dancing. "Can I get you a drink?"
Vince looked down at the man. His eyebrow cocked and his lips curled into an ugly smirk.
"Howard Moon." he chuckled cruelly, "you lovely gay man."
Howard gawped and stuttered. His feet rooted to the spot, his face white. There was nothing he could do but stare. How hadn't he noticed? He'd been staring at the DJ for a good half an hour, how hadn't he recognised him as Vince? Maybe it was the lighting in this place or the dry ice that completely engulfed the younger man, or the fact that Vince looked completely different when he was grinning and enjoying himself but none of this was really going to help him now. Vince leant down and whispered in Howard's ear.
"I've got one more song but then I want that drink."
Howard nodded, spellbound.
They moved to quiet corner of the pub, both sipping anxiously from a bottle of beer and Vince smoking something that wasn't just tobacco.
"So, what's the deal? You bi?" Vince asked, blowing smoke in the older man's face.
"No." coughed Howard.
"I just… am."
"Oooo, deep." smirked Vince.
"Are you always like this?"
"I don't believe you."
"Fine." Vince took another long draw on the 'cigarette'.
Silence fell over them and Vince shivered slightly. He was freezing and uncomfortable and it didn't help that he was nowhere near drunk enough to be having a conversation with his whore of a mother's possibly gay toy boy. But he wasn't about to complain, especially as Howard was seemingly willing to keep buying the drinks all night.
It wasn't long before they were both on shots and Howard, being a bit of a lightweight, was struggling to sit upright. He kept groping at Vince's thigh but Vince still gasped with surprise when Howard planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek and then 'whispered' (which was more like a raspy shout) in his ear;
"You're very sexy you know."
Vince sighed and got up, dragging Howard with him. Vince knew he had to get Howard to a taxi and send him back to wherever he lived before anything stupid happened because, although he certainly didn't find Howard attractive in any way, the alcohol fuelled with his exhaustion meant that certain parts of his anatomy were telling him something different. They walked, knocking knees, down the pavement towards the taxi ranch. When they stopped, Howard tried to kiss him again but Vince was ready and held him at a safe distance.
"You're ridiculous." smirked Vince, pushing him roughly into the backseat of a cab.
"I ain't taking him anywhere mate." The driver scowled.
"He's fine." Vince assured him, going to shut the door.
"Well, I ain't taking him on his own. Both of you or neither of you."
Vince scowled. "Fine." he snarled, using all his effort to shove Howard across and sit in next to him. The older man fell immediately against him and snored loudly. Vince rolled his eyes and gave his own address.
The next morning Howard woke to a blistering headache, a crick in his back and a sneer from the corner of the room.
"Oh good, you're up."
Howard blinked against the painful sunlight, trying to work out where the hell he was and why the hell he was there. He couldn't remember anything about last night but he had a distinct feeling that that might be a good thing.
"Don't close your eyes again." The sneer chastised, "I know you're awake. I'll tell mum."
Mum? That could only mean he'd ended up at one place, Eleanor's. And that meant the voice was Vince's but didn't he go to that club in town last night? Then, like a ten ton of reality, the memories of last night started to dance hazily into sight. Shit.
"Mum!" Vince's shout sent Howard into a spasm of pain.
"Don't." hissed Howard.
"Don't, what? Tell her you're a great big bender?"
"I'm not a… I don't have to explain myself to you."
"Nah, you don't have to. Reckon you should though, 'specially as you tried to hit on me."
"I, what?" Howard blanched, that particular memory still hadn't returned yet. "What did I do?"
"You bought me a drink."
"Was I not just being polite?"
"Several drinks and then you gave me a big sloppy kiss on the cheek."
"Surely I was just being fatherly."
"Hmm but then you whispered in my ear that I was… wait there, I want to get this right. Erm, very sexy. Don't try and tell me that's fatherly."
"Perhaps my words were misconstrued, I mean you must have been drunk too."
"No, you were pretty direct with what you meant. Look at you, falling for a your older lover's son. Freud would have a field day with you."
"You're being a bit ridiculous. I'm not falling for you. I very much like your mother."
"Ha!" scoffed Vince. "If that's true, why were you chatting up the DJ, aka me, in a gay night club?" Vince was grinning now, Howard was pretty sure he'd never seen him so happy… ever. And annoyingly, Howard couldn't help notice the younger man looked good when he smiled, really good.
Howard shook his head quickly. He was not gay.
"I'm not gay."
"Never said you were." Vince smiled.
"You suggested it."
"Well, you suggested it by being there."
"You were there."
"Well observed." drawled Vince, sitting down on the chair and peering unblinkingly at Howard, with enormous, hypnotic blue eyes.
"So, are you gay?" Howard blushed as he asked the question. He wasn't really sure what he wanted the answer to be.
"Depends who's asking." Vince smiled.
"In that case, I'm about as gay as you are."
"That's for you to interpret."
Howard wanted to scream, this little shit was driving him crazy. Just as he thought he was going to really lose it a voice stopped him.
"Eleanor." he smiled, getting to his feet and placing a kiss on Vince's mothers cheek.
"Oh you little love monkey. You smell like a tramp."
Howard cleared his throat and apologised. He felt embarrassed in front of Vince, which was ridiculous really and made him angry with himself for caring.
"Don't apologise." Eleanor said, "I like it."
Howard was aware of Vince pulling a face that looked like he was about to throw up but he didn't care. He really didn't.
But it was with some discomfort that as Eleanor dragged him to her room and shoved him onto her bed, Howard thought almost exclusively of her son.
Vince crept up on Howard later. The older man had been sent down stairs in just his boxers by Eleanor to grab some wine from the kitchen, he was searching the draws for a bottle opener, when a small pair of hands wrapped themselves around his waist. He squeaked a little but didn't remove them.
"Having fun?" the younger asked.
Howard didn't know how to answer. Either answer would seem wrong and he certainly couldn't blurt out what he actually thought, so he opted for the safety of a non-committal humming noise, hoping that would satisfy Vince. It didn't and he was all too aware that Vince's hands were slipping lower.
"This is inappropriate, isn't it?"
"So's trying to chat me up in bar. I'm going there again tonight if you wanna join me."
"Suit yourself." smiled Vince, withdrawing his hands and sauntering away, swinging his hips like a girl.