Used Goods: Chapter One
This story contains mature content and yaoi. If your eyes start bleeding, you go blind, or you end up mentally retarded, please don't blame it on me, for I have warned you; I probably don't have the money to pay for your medical bills anyways.
It was just another ordinary day of school. Another ordinary, boring day of dragging through life. But then it wasn't. Things changed seemingly in the blink of an eye, and he fell into a pit of things that he never knew where happening. It felt like he was moving in slow motion; he could see everything that happened all around him in an almost frozen picture. Yet, nothing made sense. He had all the pieces of the puzzle, but he couldn't solve it.
As Suzaku sat in class, he couldn't help but find himself thinking about his best friend. Of course, Lelouch wasn't in class; he almost never was. It was a wonder he was able to keep up his grades. Even though skipping class was bad and Suzaku wanted him to stop, he had to admire Lelouch for his intelligence. Suzaku always had to study hard, which made it difficult because he was also in the military. He sometimes wished he could be more like Lelouch. Well, besides some of the bad habits like skipping class and gambling. But Lelouch-oh man-he was nearly perfect. Of course, he couldn't really exercise if it would save his life, but besides that...Suzaku liked to be around him because it made him want to try harder, to be successful. He knew that Lelouch could do great things if he only wanted to, and he wished that Lelouch could see himself from a distance sometimes. He was amazingly handsome, got along with nearly everyone quite well, was incredibly intelligent…but he didn't really realize it.
Suzaku remembered that day in Shinjuku, when he'd first seen Lelouch by coincidence after seven years of separation. He was glad Lelouch was alive and even gladder yet that they had been able to meet again. Even when he saw him in the Shinjuku ghetto, he wasn't really sure it was him and they hadn't had that much time to talk. He had thought about him so much during their years apart and worried constantly about his safety. Sometimes he went over the last moments they spent together before they were separated. They weren't happy moments, and Suzaku wished they could have been. But now they had a chance to make more happy moments. What could he say? Suzaku was overjoyed to have his best friend back. But there was also something that was bothering him…
He was starting to think of Lelouch as more than a friend. It had started with strange thoughts that he couldn't shake out of his head no matter how hard he tried. Those thoughts started out innocent enough but soon they gave birth to stranger and dirtier ones. Suzaku knew they had to stop. Then the staring had started. Whenever he'd be around Lelouch, he'd zone out only to find himself staring at his friend. He watched Lelouch move, he moved so gracefully, and his smile was a gift. And oh, those eyes; they were so vivid, a deep violet that Suzaku got sucked into. Whenever he found himself staring at Lelouch's eyes he couldn't break his gaze, as if he'd been pulled into a black hole. Then the dreams had started. By now, Suzaku didn't know if he could ever stop. Things felt oh so wrong, but at the same time they felt so right. He didn't want it to stop, but he knew it had to; it was getting to the point of no return. He would wake up in the middle of the night, hot and hard after a luscious dream starring his best friend. He knew it was wrong, yes, it was so wrong. After all, he was a guy…falling for another guy. But somehow it seemed so damn right. He wanted it to stop because he was really starting to enjoy it, and he felt that he shouldn't. After all, there was no way any of it would ever be real. Lelouch wasn't like that…he couldn't be. And even if he was…Suzaku was nowhere near the same level.
Suzaku knew he needed to be turned down. Maybe that would stop this nonsense. He would have to talk to Lelouch about it; he would have to tell Lelouch what was going on…that was the only way it could stop. But he was also secretly scared of being turned down; what would happen to them after that? Could they still be friends? Would Lelouch look at him strangely? He wondered if he could ever get up the nerve to talk to Lelouch again.
"Kururugi Suzaku, are you even paying attention to class at all?" The teacher's high, wobbly voice pierced his thoughts like a knife. He looked up, wide-eyed, to find the entire class looking at him. As he looked at their faces in embarrassment, he wondered if any of them could read his thoughts. If they could, he wondered what they thought of him. Probably that he was a dirty, terrible sinner who deserved to go to Hell. Maybe that's what he was...why the hell does doing the wrong things feel so good?
But now he was diving into his thoughts again instead of being in the moment. Not that he wanted to be in the current moment; he wished he could hide under his desk instead. Everyone was still looking, and he had no idea what the teacher had been saying.
"I'm…uh, I'm sorry; I was kind of zoned out…" Suzaku barely managed to mumble. This couldn't have a positive effect on his grades.
"I hope you will someday understand the importance of paying attention in class, Kururugi. You could use it," the teacher said sharply. Suzaku winced; he knew it was true though. Everyone probably knew it. Just as the teacher was about to return to the lesson, the bell rang, signaling the end of class and the end of the school day. He hung back while everyone else exited the room.
"Tough time there, huh?" Rivalz's familiar voice floated through the nearly empty classroom.
"Yeah, tough…" Tough. That perfectly explained the situation he was in, and the decision he had to make.
The next morning, Suzaku walked into homeroom to find, surprisingly, just the person he needed to talk to and decided it was about time to stop this. Last night he had barely managed to capture any sleep due to another succulent dream. It was damn annoying. If things went on like this, he would not only start having difficulty keeping up his energy in school but also the rough training in the military. With a deep breath he walked up to Lelouch, trying to look all right even though he was quivering on the inside.
"Hey, Lelouch…" Suzaku sat down next to Lelouch and waved. When his friend turned to look at him Suzaku bit his lip. He hadn't been able to talk to Lelouch for a while, and it felt strange, especially when his dream started coming back to him.
"Oh, hey Suzaku," Lelouch smiled at Suzaku, "have you finished the student council work Milly assigned us yet?"
"Huhh…" Suzaku had completely forgotten about that, and considered chickening out of talking to Lelouch about his problem. But when an especially dirty part of his dream from last night floated back into his head, he decided, "Actually, I have something important to talk to you about…"
"Hm?" Lelouch looked a little strange, "Go ahead."
"Well, actually…" Suzaku could feel his face starting to turn red, "could we talk somewhere else?"
"Are you suggesting we should leave class? I didn't think you advocated that sort of thing, Suzaku," his ebony-haired friend said with a raised eyebrow.
"Wait—what sort of thing?" Lelouch rolled his eyes at this, and Suzaku felt entirely stupid.
"Oh no! I wasn't suggesting we skip…I just…uh…I wasn't thinking straight, I guess…" He really hadn't thought this through at all. It was wholly true that what Suzaku had said was exactly that, though. At a loss for words, he felt his cheeks turning red, burning up his face. He looked away from Lelouch, hoping his stupidity wasn't having any negative effect on his friend.
"How about we talk after school? I would hate to miss the one day of class that I actually came to, and I'd feel even worse about lowering your grade."
"Why did you come to class today anyways?"
"….We have a test…."
"Oh," Suzaku breathed a heavy sigh, "Well, shit."
Suzaku had a lot of trouble in class—and it wasn't just the test. He had trouble in all his classes that day. Though, really, that wasn't out of the ordinary. But it wasn't the ordinary kind of trouble. He was nervous as hell. Why in the world had he told Lelouch that he wanted to talk to him. Really, he didn't want to talk to him. At all. Ever. Well, not about….that. All throughout the day, he kept glancing at Lelouch. Not staring, but short, nervous glances. He was too afraid to keep looking. Maybe Lelouch could read his mind and he already knew, but didn't want to say anything because it was too weird. It was weird. Suzaku was weird. Everything was weird.
After their last class of the day, both Lelouch and Suzaku stayed in the room while everyone else left. Shirley went up to talk to Lelouch, and her high-pitched voice rang through the classroom, but Suzaku didn't listen to what she was saying. Something about Milly and the student council. Lelouch looked tired and just nodded or shook his head to what she was saying. About five minutes later she looked annoyed and left. Lelouch turned to look at him, but Suzaku looked away. He pretended to be looking through a book he had in his bag. He had been dreading this moment all day.
"So…?" Suzaku didn't look up when Lelouch talked to him. He just bit his lip and tried to be interested in his algebra book. He heard footsteps, and then felt the presence of someone at his side. "Suzaku, what is it you wanted to tell me?" His voice sounded a little annoyed, and a little worried at the same time.
"Oh, nothing, nevermind. It's not important anymore…" slipping the book back into his bag, Suzaku looked up and smiled at his friend. After a moment of them staring at each other, Suzaku cleared his throat and stopped smiling. He looked around the room, avoiding any further eye contact. After another few moments of awkward silence, he picked up his bag and turned to make a move for the door. But he didn't even get one step away before Lelouch tried again.
"Are you sure you don't want to tell me? You seemed anxious earlier…" When he looked back at Lelouch, he had a worried look in his eye. "You can tell me, you know…I'm your friend and I'm here to help you…if you need help."
"Yes….I know," Suzaku paused, looking out the window behind Lelouch. He watched some birds fly past, and noticed how the grey clouds covered most of the sky. Anything besides this conversation. His eyes met with Lelouch's once again and he continued, "But I don't think you can help me."
Just before he turned to leave he saw Lelouch open his mouth to say something, but he left too quickly and didn't quite hear what he said next. After he was out of the classroom, he started running. He didn't want to see Lelouch again today, and he hoped this would just be the end of things. He burst through the main doors into the outside world. He just stood there outside the doors, not moving, nor feeling or thinking. His whole world was numb, but he wasn't quite sure why. He could do sports. Yeah, he could fight too. Piloting an enormous killing machine? Check. Telling the person he loves about his feelings? Nope.
Suddenly he was jerked back into the real world by the sound of the doors opening behind him. It suddenly dawned on him that it was raining, and that he was soaking wet. He shivered, the cold gripping his bones. He turned to look at the doors, and sure enough, it was Lelouch. There was a sad, concerned look in his eyes that twisted Suzaku's heart. Without saying anything, he walked back inside, past Lelouch, and sat down on a nearby bench, looking down at his clasped hands. He heard the door slam shut, and a few moments later Lelouch sat next to him, sighing. There were a few moments of silence before either of them spoke.
"You know, I'm really worried about you now…" Suzaku felt Lelouch's gaze on him, but he refused to return it just yet. "What's the matter?"
Suzaku shook his head slowly, and then looked at his friend. He opened his mouth for a few minutes before he actually spoke, hesitating.
"I…really don't want to tell you."
"It's…very personal. It's embarrassing, and I don't want you to know."
"You know I don't care."
"But you will…you will…and then…then we can't be friends anymore," That thought was too much for Suzaku, and he tried to toughen up when he felt his eyes start to sting with tears. He was too close to Lelouch to let things fall apart now. He didn't want to imagine a day when he didn't see his best friend. He'd already been apart from him for too long. Lelouch's earnest gaze rested upon him, begging him to share his secret. Suzaku felt compelled to tell him. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Perhaps he was just being extremely paranoid, thinking up the worst crazy things that could possibly happen.
"Well…" He sighed, still half reluctant to share his burden. He looked into his friend's eyes for a moment before he continued, "I'm in love with someone…"
He watched as Lelouch raised his eyebrows, his facial expression changing slightly from worried to more relaxed. "Really? That's it?"
"You really had me worried, Suzaku. I thought you were in trouble or something."
"No, no, you don't understand. I am in trouble!"
"I think you're overreacting…"
"Well, I…uh…" He had to admit that Lelouch was probably right. He was overreacting a little bit. But knowing that didn't make the thought of telling Lelouch what he thought of him any more appealing.
"So let me guess…you love this person, and you don't think they'll like you back, right? See, this is perfectly normal," Lelouch shrugged, "It's even happened to me."
Yes, he knew it was normal, but it still scared the shit out of him.
"I want them to know how I feel…but I don't want to tell them."
"I already know I'm going to be turned down…but I think if I just got it out of my mind and actually got turned down, maybe the thoughts would just go away. It's really starting to bother me and actually interfere with my life. I know that would be best for me, but it's still just so embarrassing and…" He trailed off as he looked at Lelouch, who wasn't even bothering to look interested anymore, "Are you even paying attention to me?"
"Nope," Lelouch stated bluntly. He looked at Suzaku with an amused look on his face. Suzaku, on the other hand, looked at Lelouch with an annoyed expression. Lelouch let out a small chuckle, "I'm sorry, it's just that it's so…normal. When you said you wanted to talk to me I thought it might be something more interesting. I'm not saying your problems aren't important, it's just…"
"Yeah, sure," Suzaku grunted, "I understand. But you don't understand. It's not about the fact that I love someone…it's who I love…"
Suzaku tried to figure out how to put it into words, but his mind started to fail on him the moment he thought of getting it out. The more he thought about it, the more frustrated he became. As he became more frustrated, his mind stopped working even more, which in turn made him more frustrated. After a few moments he was so frustrated that he just thought, fuck it.
The next thing he knew he was kissing Lelouch on the cheek.