My name is Scarlett Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star Glitter Sequins Smith. And NO, I AM NOT A MARY-SUE! Well, some people tell me that I am, but THEY'RE not Scarlett Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star Glitter Sequins Smith, now are they? Because everyone knows that no one knows how perfect I am except for me. Right?
My pitiful life started the day I was born. Of course. My mother, who I have never ever ever met, gave me my long and bea-yoooo-tiful name. Don't you love my normal last name? As if it would camoflage my first several names! Silly author! But anyhoo, so my mother named me Scarlett Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star Glitter Sequins Smith because she could TOTALLY tell that I would be as blond and beautiful as I am today. So, after she named me, she and my father left me in a plastic bag in the middle of Ecuador because they didn't want me. I was forbidden, you see. And I was going to be the object of a ginormous prophecy that was going to bring about their downfall- OOPS! I didn't just say anything! Seriously! In fact, I wouldn't even know that I had parents unless someone told me! Parents? What are parents? Huh?
When I was three moths old, a group of cats took me to LA where they would raise me. But, being the all-powerful Mary-Sue that I am, I had a vision. The vision was of my kitty friends turning into big, ugly monsters! So, even though I was three months old, I flew with my wings to New York City where I met a hobo named John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. He wanted me to call him J.J.J.S. To fill up page space with my Mary-Sue-ness, I did always call him that, even before I could talk. Because I'm awesome that way. Duh.
So J.J.J.S. let me live with him in his cardboard box/house, until I was five. Then I had another vision. This time it was my hobo friend turning into a monster! When he tried to give me my dinner of a moldy banana peel, I singlehandedly put the Cyclops into a headlock and threw him off a bridge. Of course I could do it, silly, being the super strong, smart, and beautiful five year old that I was!
After that fiasco, I wandered NYC, alone. Until I met an Arabian traveler named Alibaptimazitaminakjabced, (Ali for short) who rode a camel, when I was seven! Ali took me to his home of Arabia, where he taught me swordfighting, the Arabian way! I was so awesome with a sword that I killed his best friends. All eighteen thousand of them. But I had no time to regret the loss of precious human life because- WHOA!- I realized that Ali was a genie that would give me three wishes! No, the author isn't sure how this fits into PJO, but they needed to waste page space, and they've always wanted three wishes. So why are you all mad?
These are my three wishes from Alibaptimazitaminakjabced:
1. World peace! Being the pageant queen that I was born to be, of course this was my first wish!
2. To be loved by a family!
3. The ability to have as many wishes as I ever wanted!
So, I took Ali and his lamp (Oh, I forgot to say how he lived in a lamp?) with me everywhere I went, including when I was magically transported to New York City again to be loved by my family (See wish #2). When my transporting was done, I wished to be able to teleport! But, silly me, I already could teleport! The author just forgot to say it!
Anyway, I was magically transported to this weird camp. Can you guess what that summer camp was called? Right, Hogwarts! Because the author forgot the name of Camp Half-Blood! YAY! Never mind that I was in America, and that I never met Harry Potter!
Oh, shoot, I'm getting off topic again. Pfft. Must be the author wanting to have the longest story evah! What's wrong with that? So, to get back on topic.
I was in Hogwarts Camp when I met him, the future love of my life! What was his name? No, it couldn't be Harry Potter, or Artemis Fowl, or Eragon, or Perry Johansson. Hmm, what was it? Peter Johnson? Mkay, I'll just call him PJ for his initials, since I can't remember my lover's name. Why should I? A Mary-Sue like me has more important things to remember!
So, PJ was hanging out with this blond twerp who wasn't nearly as blond or beautiful as I was. I think her name was Annie Bell or something. So I felt so jealous that I pushd her off a cliff while I was riding my magic flying wonder llama, Magic Flying Wonder Llama. (Another wish) I was sooooooooo incredibly sad that I wished for PJ to forget all about her.
And lo and behold, he did! EEEEE! He fell in love with me!!! I wished for another magic flying wonder llama for him, so that we could ride them into the sunset together!
The next day, my second day at camp, we played extreme... eh... um... dodgeball! I think that was in PJO somewhere! So we were playing dodgeball when I won the game all by myself, without even using Magic Flying Wonder Llama! I am so ah-mazing, right?
Everyone was so proud of me! In fact, this weird shimmery picture of a clock appeared above my head.
"Oh!" I exclaimed. "I'm being claimed by a godly parent!" No, I didn't know how I knew that. So shut up!
"Not godly," said PJ, looking scared and pale and pointing above my head. "Titanly!"
Never mind that titanly isn't exactly a word. My dear PJ doesn't have a good vocabulary, unlike me, of course.
"I'm a daughter of Kronos!" I sobbed, looking like a fairytale princess. What would I do?
Huh. That was interesting. I absolutely LOVE parodies! They're so much fun!
And don't you dare say that Scarlett Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star Glitter Sequins Smith is a Mary-Sue! She has flaws, I just forgot to put them in this chapter!
Ha ha ha. More Mary-Sueness in the next chapter!
But first, how many of you want to know my motivation? I don't care if my side isn't the majority, I'll tell it anyway. So, you've all probably heard of My Story, my story that I didn't realize revolved around a Mary-Sue until way too late. Sigh. I recently reread it and almost screamed and tore my hair out. My Story, er, my story, was AWFUL! EEK! And I had become wiser and older in the months since I wrote that catastrophe, and I had read many serious Mary-Sue stories, so I decided to poke fun at myself and anyone who has ever written a Mary-Sue story accidentally.
And disregard part of this A/N. I was JOKING, people. JOKING.
Yes, I do know that I forgot terrible grammar and spelling. Oh well. Maybe I'll try it for the next chapter...