AN: I feel the need to explain exactly what this is before we begin. Basically, this story evolved from a partner project in my German class. We had to write a "fairy tale" and translate it into German. Well, our story got a little out of hand (mostly because my partner was silly enough to leave me alone with the notebook). And so the result is an absurdly random story packed to the brim with inside jokes (some of which are between me and the ladies of the TJC, so my partner is unaware of them.) So I feel I need to explain a few of the inside jokes:
"Tuez-day" Is in honor of my friend Braden. Tuesday is spelled like that to indicate the hilarious way Braden pronounces Tuesday (which he does constantly, just for kicks)
"October the Third. It is-" My partner has a mild obsession with the line in Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring when Gandolf is telling Frodo the date and time. And so we threw it in there.
And now, a character/setting explanation:
The story takes place on an imaginary pirate ship called the Immortal. The Red-X (captain Tabby's ship) is another imaginary ship that my friends at school created and write stories about. The Immortal and the Red-X are allying themselves to each other, which is why Captain Tabby is on the Immortal in the first place.
All of the characters are based off of real people.
Sebastian: My friend James (also co-author of this story)
Gin: My pirate name so, me.
Paris: Paris of Troy, Man-closet version
Will: William Turner, Man-closet version
Legolas: From LOTR, Man-closet version
And, Jelly Donut is an actual jelly donut.
And I don't feel write posting my other friend's names without their expressed permission. So, I suppose we will proceed on with the randomness that is a high schooler's mind with too much free time.
Oh, and this is un-edited, so my advanced apologies.
Italics means a narrator is speaking
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Narrator: There is a mic. Its name is......(dramatic effect yo!)……………………………God Mic. And he has absolutely nothing to do with our story. Moving on. We begin the story with……
(Sebastian is pacing in front of a prisoner)
Sebastian: Today is October the Third. It is…
Jelly Donut: Tuez-day!
Sebastian: Silence! I kill you! Add another decade to your sentence!
Tabby: (enters) But do you really want her here for another decade? She whines a lot.
Jelly Donut: (Indignant) Hey! (Pauses. Begins in whining tone) You know, it's really cold down here. And you guys are so mean! And…
Tabby: (Interrupts) You wanna see mean?
Sebastian: Hey now! See this? (points at deck below feet) This is my ship! Mine! Threats are mine! My manly captain duty! (stamps foot girlishly)
Gin: (entering) Oh yes, because you're so manly. (smirks) Aren't you two supposed to be…
Narrator: (Interrupting) Wait! What are you doing?! You can't start yet! We don't have a plot!
Gin: (stares at ceiling) What… You silly fop of a Narrator! I was getting to it! Stop interrupt-….
(Gin cuts off as someone enters at a run, slamming into her)
Paris: Gin! That voice! Where'd it come from?! (clings to an annoyed Gin)
Will: (walks in calmly) You mean the voice that wasn't in your head? That was our Narrator.
Paris: Our what?
Gin: (clears throat loudly) Paris… Let. Go.
Will: Our Narrator. You know, the random guy who tells our story?
Narrator: Hey! Haha, speaking of story… Can we get back to it?
Gin: Thank you! Now Paris, seriously, get off.
Tabby: Would you like some help Gin?
Gin: Please. (Tabby pries Paris from Gin) Thanks. Now, as I was saying, aren't you two (looking at Sebastian and Tabby) supposed to be working on our heading and the rules of union?
Paris: What's going on?
Will: Do you pay attention to anything besides your hair, Paris?
Paris: (offended) Of course! Just look at these teeth (grins toothily)
Tabby: Riight…. (Turns to Gin) Yes, we are (gives Sebastian pointed look)
Sebastian: (shrugs) I got bored. And Jelly keeps making noise.
Gin: (points at Jelly) That clanking was you? You kept me up half the night!
Paris: And she needs all the beauty sleep she can get.
Erin: Wait a second… James?
James: What? You're as bad as the Narrator!
Erin: (Ignores comment) This is supposed to be a fairy tale.
Erin: Do you see a fairytale forming?
James: (sighs) Fine, fine. Here: There's a "magical" ship called the Immortal and it has a "magical" crew with a "magical" captain. They sail the ocean blue looking for candy mountain and along the way we all learn the value of friendship and that you never go in the cave alone. Alright?
Erin: You're a fruit loop.
Narrator: Time to earn my pay!
Erin: We're not paying you…
James: (Shakes head)
Narrator: Pfft. Forget this. I'm going back to infomercials. (leaves)
Erin: He's such a drama queen.
Paris: I thought I was queen!
Erin: Get back to your story! (shoves Paris away)
James: Don't abuse the characters.
Erin: Oh shush! Go narrate.
James: Fine. Back on the Immortal…
Sebastian: Oh Ta-
Erin: Jumping ahead (laughs nervously)
James: What was that?
Erin: (high-pitched voice) Nothing.
Erin: It's the thing with the thing and the thing… and… yeah…
James: Going forward…
Gin: Well, I'm glad this all ended so well.
James: Too far.
Erin: (Head-hand) I give up.
James: I'm bored. Movie time! (Goes to watch "Pirates of the Caribbean")
Erin: What?! We're in the middle of a story!
Erin: Fine. Be that way. Fruit loop.
James: Oh! Great idea! I wonder if we have any…
Sebastian: What are you doing up there?!
Erin: …They can talk to us?
James: They're "magical," remember? They can do whatever they want.
Paris: We can?!
James: Shut up! Leave me to my movie!
(Will walks in)
Erin: How are you up here?!
Will: (Stares at television) Is that… me?
Will: (suddenly shouting) ELIZABETH!! (runs at television displaying Elizabeth's face)
Erin: No! Will don-
(Crash is heard)
James: Did he really just run into, and break, my t.v.?!
Erin: He's not moving…
James: Serves him right.
Erin: (laughs involuntarily)
Paris: (enters) Will…?
James: He's dead.
Erin: (Turns to Paris) How are you all up here?
James: Magic, remember?
Paris: (sniffles) Will is… dead?
Erin: No. He's taking a nap.
James: (aside) For a very long time…
Erin: (Rolls eyes) Okay, story. Now. And someone move Will, he smells burnt.
Erin: Go back to your story!
Paris: Fine! (Flips hair and struts out angrily)
Sebastian: (throws Paris at wall) Idiot! You're not supposed to leave!
Paris: But I'm magical!
Tabby: Sarcasm. It's called sarcasm! You're not really magical!
Paris: (eyes well) …what?... (flees)
Jelly Donut: Hello? I'm still here!
Tabby: Good for you.
Jelly Donut: Fine. I summon my spork army! Feel their wrath!
Sebastian: (sarcastic) Oh no! Whatever shall we do!? (army of sporks enter)
Tabby: (stares) What… Seriously?
Gin: (laughs hysterically) You're kidding me! (curses as spork stabs foot)
Sebastian: (Laughs at Gin)
Tabby: Nice Sebastian. Real nice. (smacks Sebastian's head) Now take care of those!
Sebastian: Fine. (pulls out machine gun. Sporks flee)
Sporks: Ahh! Retreat! Retreat!
Erin: Seriously James?
James: Yes, seriously.
Pez: Do I enter yet?
James: Don't start that again!
James: Fine! Enter.
James: And you're done. (pushes Pez into scene)
Pez: (Falls on spork) Ow!
Gin: Hi Pez… Nice of you to drop in.
Paris: (enters) That was lame Gin.
Gin: Leave me alone.
Pez: This story isn't going anywhere.
Sebastian: How shrewd.
Tabby: Do you even know what that means?
Sebastian: (lying) Yes…
Pippin: (enters) Probie.
Sebastian: Stop disrespecting the captain!
Gin: Hey captain, we still need a plot.
Sebastian: Hey, don't ask me! Take it up with the narrators!
James: The spork thing was the plot! You guys used it too fast.
Erin: What about the peace treaty? We could use that.
Sebastian: Not really. Tabby and I finished while the you guys were arguing. The Immortal and the Red-X are now allies.
Pippin: Wait, this needs to be a fairy tale, correct?
Pippin: Be right back. Pez, come with me.
Erin: This is just great. Not only do they talk to us, the characters are now writing the story!
James: (Settling down for a nap) It's cool with me.
Erin: (scowls and then shrugs) Me too (goes to find food)
Pippin: (Returns) Okay, come out to the deck.
Sebastian: (overlapping) Fine. (Drags Tabby behind him.)
Gin: (Shrugs and then follows)
(out on deck of the Immortal)
Gin: What on Earth?
(Deck now resembles a stage set, with flats painted like mountains and streamers festooning the rails)
Sebastian: What the….
Paris: Funyons! (Runs to a bag of Funyons)
Pippin: Um… Paris? Those aren't real… They're a prop…
Paris: (Spits out mouthful of Styrofoam Funyons)
Gin: (Snorts with amusement) So Pippin, when did you become a designer?
Pippin: I didn't set it up! (offended) Pez, Kitty, and Legolas did.
Gin: Well, the latter certainly explains all the pink…
Legolas: (entering) Isn't it lovely?
Gin: It's something…
Pippin: Anyways… (is annoyed) We can create a fairytale with this set.
Sebastian: (groans) A fairytale on a pirate ship. My reputation is ruined!
Tabby: (chuckling) What reputation?
Gin: Well, we might as well get this over with. What do we want to do?
Pippin: (Pulls out crown) Well, Tabby could be the princess…
Tabby: Um… No.
Pippin: (Turns to Gin)
Gin: (Pulls out pistol) That crown will be burning before it touches my head.
Kitty: I'll do it! (takes crown and runs to get into position)
Paris: Wait! I wanted to…
Gin: Paris, you're the prince.
Gin: Deal with it.
Paris: (Grabs another crown and gets into position)
Pippin: I'll narrate. Gin, you can be a towns person, Tabby you're the mother, and Sebastian….
Pippin: No, you're the villain.
Gin: Fitting….. Not.
Sebastian: (glares at Gin and grabs cloak)
Pippin: Pez, you're another towns person. Legolas, you're the dragon.
Gin: (Startled laugh) You're kidding?!
Legolas: I can be a very scary dragon!
Gin: Legolas, the only thing you scare is me. And that's on a purely psychological basis.
Pippin: Can we get going please?!
(All grumble and get into places.)
Pippin: In a far away land there is a beautiful princess…. Paris! Get back in your place that's not you!.... Okay, well. She lives with her mother in a small town. They have a simple life. But they also have a dragon problem….
Gin: (sarcastic; under breath) Cute.
Pippin: (glares) And the woman's daughter is going to be sacrificed to the dragon….
Tabby: Whoa, wait! This story is totally copyrighted!
Tabby: It's totally unoriginal!.... Wait… Where's Sebastian?
Kitty: He got bored and left.
Pippin: For the love of….
Gin: Okay, you know what? Let's end this madness now.
All: And they all lived happily ever after.
Pippin: Except for a minor character on page 10 line 243…..
All: Shut up!
Gin: Oh, hey you guys, do you know where Jelly Donut went? She's supposed to be in the brig….
Legolas: (Jelly around mouth) Oops….