Last chapter! I hope you've enjoyed it so far. Remember to be good and review ^^
"Ugh...Tifa, get me a beer." Cloud was feeling depressed at the fact that he'd been outsmarted by a Turk. Reno had demanded that the two of them duel, and if Cloud won, he could do whatever he wanted to the redhead. If Reno won, he was free to leave.
Neither of them won the duel. Apparently it was against Reno's "Tribal religion" to take part in any act of violence being a duel, and if the attacker...attacked, then they would be cursed with a lifetime of bad luck and burnt cookies. Which didn't make any sense at all, but Cloud could get a little over-superstitious at times.
"One beer on the house." Tifa slammed a pint of the strong liquid next to her blonde crush, feeling very tempted to pash him at that point in time. But she didn't want her head to be covered in alcohol that badly, so instead she gazed longingly at him. Though that only scared him more.
"Pretty quiet, hey Cloud?" Tifa purred, extending a hand towards his own reluctant one.
He swallowed a huge mouthful of beer, choking as he made his reply. "Uck, cough, yeah."
"Wanna...'liven it up a little'?" The brunette was really freaking him out now, if that was even possible.
But he was saved by the squeal.
"Ooh, do I win!? I mean, we?" It was Yuffie, Elena and Red, who were hastily trying to push a large feathery chocobo through the front door. "Lookie, Tifie, a chocobo!"
Tifa looked up past her blush and smiled. "Oh, yes! Good job, Yuffie. But why is Elena here?"
Elena coughed awkwardly as she waited for the young ninja to reply. Red was the one who ended up doing so.
"Good question. Let's kick her out, shall we?"
Yuffie let out a large whoop in agreement and began to forcefully shove the Turk out the door.
"Hey, you liars, lemme back in!" Elena squealed, clawing the side of the front door in a panic.
"Don't." Cloud ordered. "Bring her in and take her upstairs."
Yuffie giggled and did as she was bid. "Someone's horny, tee-hee!"
"No," Cloud replied through gritted teeth-was he the only sane, non-tribal, non-rapist, non-animal in the building? "We're gonna collect all four Turks and make them pay for ruining Tifa's hunt."
Tifa blushed and ruffled Cloud's spike of hair. "Aww, Cloudy...Can I join in?"
"Damnit, can you just stop thinking so dirty for once in your life!?" Cloud snapped, his temper only growing as he heard a girlish giggle sound from the doorway. Aerith.
"Oh now what!? I'm gonna get caught in a threesome!? Where's Vincent when you need him!?" Cloud exclaimed, standing up and throwing his hands in the air, exhausted.
"Right here." Came the dull reply.
"Friggin...Vincent, can I borrow Cerberus?" Cloud asked, exasperated.
Vincent's eyes narrowed to glowing red slits which made Cloud regret asking. "I'd say yes, if Aerith hadn't snapped it in half!"
Everyone in the room winced-at both Vincent getting mad and at the fact that his ultimate weapon was broken, and by Aerith. He looked ready to kill the flower girl, which wouldn't make much sense, seeing as she was supposedly already dead.
All eyes turned to the cetra, who was battering her eyelashes as innocently as possible. "Oh Vince, don't be silly. I didn't snap it in half, I recycled and made twins!"
The silence that soon formed was interrupted by a loud snort from a certain brunette bartender, who was inconspicuosly covering her mouth with her hand.
"Shut up Tifa." Cloud snapped. "And Yuffie, put the damn Turk in my room and make sure she doesn't get out."
Yuffie looked perplexed. "But Cloud, how do I keep a Turk locked up? They're like feral cats, there's no-"
"I don't give a damn, just do it."
The young ninja nodded and led Elena up the stairs. Surprisingly, the Turk didn't make the slightest fuss. She was either certain she'd escape or she knew throwing a fit would only get her into bigger trouble. Yuffie hoped it was the latter, though she was a tad bit nervous as to why the blonde hadn't threatened her with her gun yet.
"Psst, Apricot." Yuffie whispered to the Turk as they went upstairs.
Elena's features became confused. "Apricot?"
As if it were the most obvious thing in the world, Yuffie replied simply, "Turkish apricots. They're actually quite nice. You tried them?"
Trust Yuffie to start a conversation with a captive.
Vincent and Aerith were still arguing about Cerberus, while Cloud was trying to stop the chocobo from eating his hair, with Tifa in a fit of laughter as a result. It was quite a full house. But not full enough.
The chocobo was sent into a mad craze as the front door burst open loudly, revealing the huge gruff form of Barret and a 'parcel' he was holding, bound by straps of which the captive was trying to escape from. Cid followed from behind, smoking his ever-present cigarrette that made the girls cringe.
Although everyone else had shut up-even the chocobo-and were staring at the hulk and his meal, Tifa couldn't help but scold the captain's unhealthy obsession. "Cid, get that filthy stick out of my bar, right now."
Cid drew out one last breath of smoke before throwing it to the floor and stomping on it, to Tifa's major disgust. "Happy?"
Tifa's crimson eyes darkened. "I said out of my bar, not on my bar floor!"
He just shrugged.
Cloud stood forward, holding the chocobo by the feathers on its neck in a manner that soothed it. "Good to see you guys return in one piece."
Barret scowled. "Hey, wa'ssat s'posed ta mean?"
"It means take Rude to my room where Yuffie and Elena are. We're gonna make them pay." Cloud replied quickly, his level of irritation exceeding his own limits.
"What'd that damn Wutai ninja do this time?" Cid wondered out loud, kicking his shoe against the tiled flooring, just to make Tifa that little bit more agitated.
Cloud instinctively looked towards Tifa, who fluttered her eyelashes in reply, to his demise. "Nothing, I meant the Turks. Speaking of those tight-ass bastards, where's the lion and his panther friend?"
Aerith smirked all-knowingly at him, twiddling her fingers. "Well...Judging by the way they left...I'd say they're right outside with their guns at the ready."
Cloud had learnt to never doubt Aerith's instinct. It had served him well one too many times. He rushed towards the front door, grabbing his sword from the table as he did so. And sure enough, when he arrived, he saw the familiar shock of red hair he knew all too well.
He swung the door open and thrusted his sword towards Reno, who quickly swiped it away with his EMR.
"Let's dance, biatch!" Reno hooted, performing a quick pirrhouette before swinging his weapon above his blonde opponent's head. Just as Cloud was sure to win, he heard a gunshot sound from a few metres away, which he blocked with ease. "Damnit Avalanche, come help me!"
He heard Cid's voice in reply. "Naw, you're a capable guy. You killed Sephiroth for Pete's sake, you can kill those disadvantaged mamma's boys."
In between blows and blocks, the blonde replied, "You're thinking of Kadaj's gang. Reno's just a tribal bastard and Tseng's a black cat..."
Tifa's voice was next. "Hey Cloud, aren't black cats supposed to be bad luck?"
"OH MY $!#ING SHIVA!!!" Cloud screamed as Reno let a bolt of electricity loose on him. His hair was fried to a crisp and he appeared to be having a twitching fit. "$!#...you...Tifa...bzzt..."
"Oops." Tifa said bluntly.
Cloud's knight in a feathery coat came sprinting to his rescue, threatening to charge Reno and Tseng in one go. It did, although it recieved a bit of a shock as it did so.
Avalanche slowly creeped out of the bar when not a sound could be heard. Their eyes were met with two unconscious Turks and two twitching chocobo heads-quite a sight.
After a minute of silent observation, the now present Yuffie wondered out loud, "Does barbequed chocobo taste good?"
Avalanche rolled their eyes and mumbled to themselves, but stopped as they saw Cloud raise a finger.
"A...little...help?" The blonde managed to squeak, looking up at the Tifa looming above him and almost jumping in fright.
Thankfully, the bartender extended a hand to him and helped him up without any unexpected goosing or kissing.
Cloud brushed himself off while grimacing at the sight of the dazed chocobo that had saved his life. Well, he wouldn't say 'saved his life'...more like, helped him out a little. He could have finished them off on his own. Easy.
"Hey...Yuffie...Why are you here? Aren't you supposed to be guarding that door?" Cloud asked, scowling at the ninja in annoyance.
She just shrugged. "Well, you could say that. But Cid and Barret's collection of chocobos should be finishing them off. After all, they don't care who took them from the wild, they just want someone to take it all out on."
Cloud felt like smacking his head against the brick wall of Seventh Heaven. "5..4..3..2..1..Boom."
On cue, several gunshots could be heard from upstairs, and there was no doubt as to what it was.
"Yuffie, you're a downright $!#ing idiot." Barret swore at her, mostly outraged by the fact that he now had no chocobos to show for his prize.
The ninja princess frowned and placed her hands on her hips in defiance. "Hey, you don't have a right to call me that, big guy! I'm a Princess, so start treating me like one!"
Barret scowled, thrusting his gun in the air with rage. "I would if you acted like one!"
"Oh yeah!? Well maybe you should stop acting like such a puffed up a-hole and-" Yuffie began, but silenced as soon as she saw everyone's face's turn upwards. She followed suit, only to see Elena jump down from Tifa's bedroom window to her two fallen comrades, who were quickly waking up.
"Aah!" Tifa's scream sounded from behind her friends. Rude had her held tightly by the arms and was attempting to throw her in the helicopter that had suddenly appeared from the blue. "Let go of me!"
All of the martial arts expert's attacks were useless against the Turk, and before she knew it, all four of them were pulling her struggling body inside.
All while Avalanche just watched in amusement as the helicopter flew away.
Cloud let out an exhausted sigh. "The Turks did something useful for once."
Aerith grinned slyly, and Cloud almost wished Tifa had never left. "Very useful."
Cait Sith, who no one had even seen to begin with, looked rather proud of himself. "Reeve did that, you know. Tifa is going to be Hojo's latest experiment."
Although Avalanche were plotting revenge on the bartender, the news still shocked them. Tifa was still their friend.
"What!?" Cid yelled. "You're letting Tifa be a damn guinea pig to that creep!?"
"I thought he was dead." Vincent mumbled under his breath. "First Aerith, now Hojo. Did I die and go to hell?"
"No, I mean..." Cait Sith said quickly, realising how much trouble he would get into if he didn't correct himself. "Hojo's making sure Tifa's...Cloud?"
Yuffie looked puzzled. "Tifa is Cloud? Wha?"
Cloud had the strangest feeling growing in his stomach. Like it was being consumed by worms. "Yeah?"
"Tifa's got a surprise for you." Cait Sith clapped his hands together and shook Cloud's own.
The feeling was gone, replaced by a mortified, nauseating sensation that made the Ex-Soldier want to jump off a cliff.
"Oh dear God." He was on the verge of tears.
Avalanche watched as Cloud jumped on Yuffie's chocobo and rode away. Far away.
After a minute or two of silence, it finally dawned on Aerith. "Oh. So that's why Cloud left at the end of the game."
Yuffie looked blankly at the flower girl. "What?"
"He was upset that Tifa was the rapist, not me." She replied, a silly looking smile plastered on her face.
"Whatever." Yuffie muttered. "I'm just mad 'cause no one wins the chocolate. I mean, I'd ask Cloud where Tifa kept her stash hidden, if he were here. Speaking of which, why didn't he take his motorbike?"
Barret answered for all of them with his wise words. "I dun' know, but I can tell ya one thing...We've #!$ed up Advent Children, that's for sure."
Yikes. The ending turned this fanfic into a parody! And I think there was some OOC'ness in there too...Please let me know how it went! ^^