Disclaimer: I own nothing, which sucks. I think it could have been a lucrative job to own either "House" or the Twilight series.
Scene 1: Edward's special Forest
Edward & Bella are walking through their special forest. Bella reaches for Edward's hand when she notices his normally cold hands are feeling a little clammy
Bella: Wow, Edward. Your hand actually feels really clammy
Edward: Oh Bella, you and your drugs. I'm a VAMPIRE, remember? My hands can only be ice cold for some weird reason only known by my loyal fangirls.
Fangirls: AHH!!! OH MY GOD!! EDWARD!! YOU'RE SOOOOOOOOOO HOTTTTTT!! CAN WE KILL OFF THAT NASTY SKANK NOW?!?!?!
*Bella hisses at the girls and splashes holy water at them, causing the fan girls to dissolve into thin air*
Bella: Well, that takes care of that. Anyway, your hands are supposed to be cold, but seriously, your hands are beginning to feel all slimy and gross *wipes her hands on her jeans while Edward looks at her in disgust*
Edward: Whatevs, Bel. I think you're just……*sways*
Bella: Edward?! Are you okay?
Edward: *mumbles incoherently & then passes out*
Bella: EDWARD?!?!?! Oh my God, I need to call someone.
Random people: Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!!
Bella: *giggles, then looks solemn* Oh, right, uh noo…I'm calling Dr. House cuz, y'know, I have a fictional character's number programmed into my cell phone and everything.
Random people: Awhhh
End Scene, cue "House" theme song
Scene 2: Hospital
Cuddy sees House entering the hospital and has a patient file in her hand. She runs to try to catch up to House
Cuddy: House!! House, wait up
House: What is it now, mistress?
Cuddy: I have a new case for you. He's an 18-year-old male named Edward who passed out in some random forest in Washington state.
House: *sarcastically* Wow, that is so compelling.
Cuddy: You're not even curious as to why they'd come from Washington to Princeton?
House: Don't really care. Now if you excuse me, my soap comes on in 10 minutes *begins to walk away when Cuddy grabs his arm and hands him the file again*
Cuddy: Ah ah ah! Not so fast. You haven't heard the best part yet
House: What? Oh pleaassee tell me he's really a woman! *crosses fingers*
Cuddy: Uh, no. He thinks he's a vampire and that he is really 90 years old.
House: Well, that is interesting. What's even more interesting is why YOU'RE giving me the case
Cuddy: Don't you know? The writers are trying to showcase our sexual tension on the show. It's been 5 seasons now…..and nothing. Not even a standing ovation *looks down at House's pants*
House: Hm, I guess you've got a point.
Cuddy: Hm, I guess you don't! What's even more interesting than that is the fact that you're not even curious as to why they would come so far just to see you. They could have gone to Seattle Grace, but they came here instead. In fact, this guy's girlfriend, Bella, was the one who tried to get in touch with you personally. Of course, since you never answer your office phone, I was the one called instead.
House: Well, I can understand why they wouldn't want to go to Seattle Grace. They're doing that story arc where that Izzie chick has cancer that's spread to her brain & McDreamy proposing to Meredith in an elevator. I mean, that's way too much drama. It's not like we do any of that stuff here. We haven't even slept together yet. Not to mention that I'm just totally awesome, and have fan girls of my own.
Fangirls: OH MY GOD!!! HOUSEEEE! I LOVE YOUU!! YOU'RE SO---AHH, NO CUDDY, DON'T DO THAT!!
*Cuddy pours holy water on the fangirls and they disappear into thin air*
Cuddy: Okay, okay. So will you take the case or not?
House: Ugh, fine. But this should be the catalyst that makes us finally have sex, which later leads us to confess our deep feelings of undying love and adoration for one another.
Juno pops out of nowhere
Juno: Whoaaaaa, dream big!
House: *looks at Juno and her huge pregnant belly* thanks for that insight Juno. Looks like you're still doodling, homeskillet. Well, right, I'm off to see the ducklings. Peace out, homes.
Juno: Yeah, whatever.
Scene 3: Differential Diagnosis Room
House walks into the room, where Foreman, Cameron, Chase, Thirteen & Taub sit, playing Duck, Duck Goose
House: All right everyone listen up. Cuddy gave us a new case
Thirteen: Wait! I have to pick the next goose!
House: That'll have to wait, Huntington's. I've got more important things to do right now.
Thirteen: No fair! I might not live to pick the next goose!
House: Too bad. Anyway, differentials for an 18-year-old male who fainted in the middle of some random forest in Washington state. Oh, right, he also thinks he's a 90-year-old vampire.
Foreman: Maybe it's lupus!
House: Oh my God, Foreman. How many seasons have you been here? It's NEVER LUPUS!! Idiot.
Foreman: It was lupus, that one time….remember?
*Foreman stares off into space as he begins his own montage of that one lupus case from Season 4, but then comes back to Earth*
Foreman: Oh crap. We lost that clip. This is conspiracy with the writers!! IT WAS LUPUS!! I KNOW IT!!
House: The writers aren't going to do THAT again. Think of something else, dimwit.
Cameron: How about pregnancy? Aww, could you just imagine a wittle bitty baby causing all this trouble?
House: Um, are you even a real doctor? He's a DUDE. NOT PREGNANT. Not to mention that the baby wouldn't even be cute because it'd have some crappy name like Renesmee. How lame is THAT?!
Taub: OKAY! I have an idea on what we should do.
Chase: Oh really, mate?
Taub: Yeah. Why don't we check his blood for drugs and such and do some other doctorly things until the next scene?
Chase: Crikey! This guy is a nutjob. Why are we even taking this case?
House: Chase, I have to take this case so Cuddy & I can finally be pushed into having sex because the only way we'll advance our frenemy relationship is by being pushed together by complicated circumstances! Jeez! Now,we'll do that doctorly thing our viewers only get to see a few times an episode. Taub, 13, Foreman, you go run the tests. Chase & Cameron, go find a broom closet and have inappropriate work sex.
*Taub, 13 & Foreman leave to run the tests while Cameron & Chase look shocked*
Cameron & Chase: Why? We already did that a couple of seasons ago
House: Yeah, but our viewers are complaining about the lack of you two on camera. This way, Chase, you can get Cameron knocked up and you two have more on-screen time.
Chase: Hm, okay!
*Chase and Cameron march happily to the broom closet, excited for some more on-screen time*
House: As for me, I need to have my required "bro-time" with Wilson. Can't let down the Wilson/House shippers!
*House puts his iPod in his pocket, his ear bud headphones in his ears, and trots out of the office*