The Only Sane Man
Uryû was fairly certain that he was the only one not involved in a horrifically complex love polygon.
Admittedly he had been with Orihime for awhile, but after realizing the impact that hero worship and (Uryû shuddered to admit) Stockholm's syndrome had had on her, they had stopped. Really, they hadn't broken up, as much as made a silent agreement that it wasn't really working and, wow, it would probably be best not to talk about this.
A few weeks after he and Orihime had gone their separate ways (metaphorically of course, they were still, thankfully, just friends), Rukia and Ichigo had one of their infamous spats and Orihime had managed to catch the substitute on the rebound. After that it had gotten messy.
Rukia had been upset and had turned to her childhood friend, Renji. From what Uryû had gathered they had spent three weeks alternating between dealing with their own issues (adoption, inadequacy, betrayal, and the Kuchiki in general only barely managed to scratch the surface) and snogging each other senseless. Uryû assumed that Ichigo and Orihime had gone through something similar before they all somehow (to this day Uryû is uncertain of exactly how, and he Does Not Want To Know) gotten together and decided that they were bored.
Despite all that had happened, Orihime and Rukia were still close friends. Uryû hadn't ever questioned how close until he'd overheard Ichigo and Renji talking loudly about how tired they got having to tag team each other's girlfriend. At the time, Uryû's brain had quietly stopped working in self-defense, but later, when he'd had nothing else to occupy himself with, he'd been mentally scarred by his own surprisingly active imagination.
The surest way Uryû knew of diluting mental agony (aside from certain, addictive substances) was to share. So he did, with the one person he was certain would be just as shocked as he was (though perhaps not visibly so).
Unfortunately he'd pegged Chad wrong.
After Uryû had told his story, he and Chad had sat in a silence (somehow more uncomfortable Chad's usual ones) before Chad had calmly stated that he and Karin were going to start dating once they were sure neither Ichigo or Isshin would hurt Chad for doing so. Then Chad had left.
Uryû had sat for an hour or so before giving up on even trying to think about that.
Because the warships are frightening. Because the private yachts are even more so.
Unsane Chibi, please don't hurt me. I'll work on 'If and When' soon, I swear.
I'd like to know if I've made you laugh a bit, but please, if you're going to flame, don't. I did not make you read this, and I'd rather not be preached at. IT IS A JOKE.