A/N: My (poor) attempt at a Crack! fic, written to cheer vamp926 up. Please read and review her stories! The link to her profile is in my profile.


"I am going out with Eliza tonight!" Tony announced when he entered the bullpen one afternoon. McGee and Ziva shared a look before Ziva spoke.

"Are you sure that that is a good idea Tony?"

"Yeah! Why wouldn't it be?"

McGee hesitated for a minute before speaking. "Because it took weeks for Eliza to agree to go out with you. And…" He hesitated again. "because you have a broken nose."

"Oh yeah." Tony gingerly touched his nose and winced. "I'm gonna look like Owen someday…"

"Friend of yours?" Ziva asked, not making the connection.

"I wish. He seems like a good guy." Tony replied absentmindedly.

"Who is Owen?!" Ziva asked, getting frustrated.

McGee cast a glance at Tony before answering Ziva's question. "Owen Wilson. He's an actor. His nose has been broken at least twice."

Ziva nodded and turned back to her computer screen.


Tony knocked on the door of Eliza Matthews hours later.

"Just a minute!" She yelled through the door, and the door opened a minute later.

"Hey." She smiled. Eliza was a translator at NCIS. She had shoulder length brown hair, which was curled slightly for their date, and tan skin. Her eyes were grey, but looked light blue because of the eyeliner she was wearing. Her red dress accented her curves and a long gold chain hung around her neck.

"Wow. You look really pretty!" Tony laughed nervously. "Ready to go?"

Eliza nodded and quickly locked her door, then she took Tony's arm and together they walked to his car.


"These lights are so pretty." Tony said as he stared up at the light fixture above their table. Eliza rolled her eyes and rubbed her temples.

"Yes, for the seventh time, they are."

He looked at her and suddenly, his eyes went wide. "Whoa. The way the light hits you, it makes you look like an angel or somethin'."

Eliza blushed. "Thank you Tony." Tony grinned.

"Here are your drinks." The waitress said as she set the two glasses of wine down in front of them.

"Thank you." Eliza said and the waitress nodded.

Tony reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a pill bottle. "I took a few of these earlier, but they don't seem to be doing much." He popped two pills into his mouth and took a sip of wine. "Don't tell my doctor I took painkillers with alcohol." He grinned.

"I won't. Promise." She smiled slyly. "What happened to your nose anyway?"

"We apprehended a suspect today, but he wasn't willing to come without a fight. My partner, Ziva, was able to take him down after he punched me in the nose. She's a ninja ya know."

"I've heard that she's very…" Eliza thought for a moment, but Tony cut in.

"She's awesome. She's like Cat Woman and Wonder Woman and Spider-Girl all in one. She's my hero and my best friend. Ha! I'm like Mary-Jane Watson and she's Peter Parker." He laughed slightly. "Oh Ziva…"

"You really like her don't you?" Eliza questioned, a little disappointed that this date wasn't going to lead to anything.

Tony nodded. "Yeah, she's my best friend!"

Eliza smiled. She knew that she shouldn't be taking advantage of a high Tony DiNozzo, but she just couldn't help it.

The two made small chat until their food arrived.

"Oh my god! I'm starving!" Eliza said, already digging into her plate of pasta.

"Me too." Tony said, digging in as well.

They continued to eat in silence until a piece of Eliza's pasta fell off her fork and on to her dress.

"Oh," Tony said, reaching across with his napkin to pick it up. Unfortunately, his elbow bumped her glass of wine and knocked it over, spilling the content's all over her dress. She quickly stood up and started dabbing at it with her napkin.

"Damn it!" She cried.

"Well at least the wine and dress are both red!" Tony offered, but instead of receiving laughter, he got a glare. He got up and started to walk over to help her, but ended up tripping over his feet and running into her. The force from Tony crashing into her made Eliza take a few steps backwards, which would normally be fine, except that a waiter was behind her serving another couple a large bowl of salad. Eliza bumped into him, which caused his arm to jerk, causing the bowl of salad to fly up into the air and that created the salad to rain down on himself, the couple, Eliza and Tony. There was a dead silence throughout the restaurant, before the salad covered waiter finally spoke.

"Get out." He whispered in a tone that rivaled Gibbs'. Eliza didn't need to be told twice. She quickly grabbed her handbag and coat and was out the door before anyone spoke again.

"But what about the check?" Tony asked.

"I don't care!" The waiter yelled, causing Tony to flinch. He quickly went to the table, took one more bite of his meal and then ran out the door after his date.

"Eliza?!" He called when he stepped out of the restaurant doors. "Eliza?" He spotted her over on the street, attempting to call a cab. He walked up behind her. "I'll drive you home!"

"No, Tony, you won't. This has been the worst date in my entire life! I don't want to see you again tonight. I don't even know if I ever want to see you again!"

Tony hung his head.

"Taxi!" Eliza yelled and the yellow car pulled up the curb. She yanked the door open and got in, not even bothering to glance at her date again.


Ziva closed her book when she heard someone knock on her door. She glanced at the clock and wondered who could be there to visit her so late at night.

"Ziva!" Tony yelled when she opened the door.

"Tony!" She mimicked. "What are you doing here? Why aren't you on your date?"

"Ah." Tony waved that question off and took a step inside her apartment. "I realized something at dinner!" He announced and turned to face her.

"And that is what, exactly?" Ziva was slightly amused at Tony's current state.

"That you're my best friend!" He opened his arms and charged at her, pulling her into a hug.

"That is nice Tony. You are my best friend as well." She chuckled.

"I love you Ziva." He whispered with his eyes closed, not really thinking about what he just said.

Without missing a beat, Ziva replied, "I love you too." The two stood there in each other's embrace for a moment before what they just said kicked in.

"Wait a minute." Tony released his grasp on Ziva, his face scrunched up in confusion. "What? I'm confused."

Ziva stepped back, her face had a look of confusion on it as well.

"I love you." He repeated. "I love you." He smiled. "I love you!"

Ziva raised an eyebrow. "I think that you need to lie down." She pulled him over to her couch.

"No, no, no." He looked at her. "I think I really love you Ziva." He leaned in to kiss her, but was apparently going to fast because they bumped noses instead.

"Ow!" Tony cried and Ziva immediately put a hand to her nose to check for blood.

"Alright Casanova," She began and gently pushed him down on the couch, "time for bed." He nodded in agreement and lay down on her couch.


As Ziva lay in bed that night, she couldn't help but think of her partner's vicodin induced confession, and wondered if he had truly meant it. She rolled over and fell into a peaceful sleep of wedding bells and pink and blue balloons.


A/N: Ok. So I have officially decided that I cannot write Crack!. Hmm… Sorry vamp! I hope this still cheers you up!