Author's Note: I wrote this based on an actual event where my brother tried to teach my father how to play Guitar Hero. I am still sad about Kutner, so I am resurrecting him for a light-hearted drabble with his BFF Taub. In dialogue format, one-shot. I own nothing.
"I can't believe I agreed to this. What is this thing doing in the doctor's lounge anyway? Doesn't seem like the type of recreation Cuddy would approve of. (sigh) Explain how this thing works."
"Ok, so you pick a song from the list, then the screen will change to the performance mode. The song starts playing and you watch the bottom of the screen. You'll see the frets and strings moving and they will light up with the colors of the buttons you need to push on the guitar. It's like you're forming the chords. But you have to be quick – if you miss too many notes it'll be over."
"What happens if you win?"
"Yes, that goes without saying, but what happens in the game? Do you go on to a new level or win a metaphorical prize or something?"
"Not really. It basically just tells you that you rock, and then you can go pick another song to play."
"So, what you're saying is, my only reward for playing the song right is my own sense of accomplishment?"
"So are we doing this or what?"
"I look like a complete tool holding this thing."
"No, you don't."
"Yes, I do."
"Well, then everyone who plays the game is a tool, because you look just like anyone else doing it."
"This is thing is so awkward. I'm not sure my fingers can reach all of these buttons…"
"You're a surgeon. I would hope you'd have the dexterity to press a few buttons on a guitar neck."
"I'm not doubting my dexterity, I'm doubting the reaching power of my own fingers around this glorified joystick. I have small hands. It's a simple fact."
"Well, I can put it on the easy level for you. That will only use 3 of the buttons."
"Wait, so does that mean the song sounds different on different levels?"
"Uh, no. Why would it?"
"Well, if the buttons are the strings and you don't use all of them, doesn't that alter the song?"
"I don't get it."
"If you're playing a song on a guitar, but you only use a couple of strings, it won't sound right. You can't make that many notes on just two or three strings."
"You do realize you're not REALLY playing the song, right?"
"No, what I'm saying is-"
"Dude, you're really over-thinking this."
"It's a legitimate question!"
"If you're a REAL musician playing a REAL guitar, then yes, okay, it's a legitimate question. If you're playing a simulation like this, it's over-thinking. The song is always the same, regardless of the level. You just press the colors. It's easier than you're making it."
"Fine, just start the thing."
"Wait, wait, WAIT, what happened?"
"Wow. That sucked."
"I didn't have a chance to do anything! It went too fast!"
"You didn't get a single note right. That's incredible. My first time, I managed to get through an entire verse and half the chorus before I crashed. "
"Stop grinning at me like that, you're not helping. Start it again."
"Okay. Stay with the beat."
"I told you, man, you have to stay with the tempo of the song. Don't just start pressing the buttons at random. You have to watch."
"How am I supposed to watch the screen and find all the buttons at the same time?"
"Real guitarists don't need to look at their hands…."
"I'm not a real guitarist! It's a simulation! You just said - "
"Because you were going on and on about a non-issue! Now you're just making excuses for sucking!"
"Fine, fine, whatever. Just start it again."
"I mean, I honestly thought this was one of the easier songs to play. It's not like we can go down to a remedial level or anything-"
"Maybe it would help if we try a different one, with a slower tempo or-"
"START THE DAMN GAME!"
"That was...better?" (snort )
"Sorry. It's just, you look so pissed….."
"Yeah, hi, I AM pissed! This is impossible."
"Geez, I'm actually tearing up here, it's so freakin' funny. The look on your face right now… (laughter) You look like you want to punch someone!"
"Yeah, someone. Again."
"Ok, ok……………..ok, red, red, green, hold it down!"
"SHUT UP, I can't concen-"
"I hate this game."
"Awww, if Chris can't win, he doesn't want to play."
"Oh shut up. It's a stupid game. If someone wants to play the guitar they should play the frigging guitar, not some lame video game where you PRETEND to play the guitar. Stupid piece of …. (muttering inaudibly)…."
"Good thing House didn't see you."
"Kutner, so help me, if you tell House about this, I swear on everything good and holy, I will fill your apartment with cats! Scary, evil, death-predicting cats. There is an animal shelter near my house – don't think I won't do it. Are we clear? (pause) Okay. Let's play foosball."
"STOP LAUGHING, KUTNER."
"Okay. Sorry." (snort)