Do Not Disturb

"Do Not Disturb." The blue haired man read aloud the sign hanging from the door. "…the hell's that s'pposed to mean?" He demanded loudly, rubbing the back of his head.

"Don't be an idiot." Someone commented from behind him. Turning to look at who it was, Grimmjow scowled. The pink haired Espada pushed up his glasses, causing them to glint ominously even though Grimmjow was fairly certain that there was no real lighting in Hueco Mundo that would cause that effect. "Obviously it means what it means." He paused then hissed, "STAY OUT."

"But…" He protested, crossing his arms. "…why?"

Syazel sighed angrily. "Isn't it obvious?! Because he's doing something he doesn't wished to be disturbed from!" He then spun on his heel and walked away with a "Humph", sniffing and muttering about the idiots in Hueco Mundo.

Grimmjow couldn't care less. He turned his attention back to the door. It's… Ulquiorra's room. He confirmed and uncrossed his arms so he could reach for the door knob.

Before he had a chance to so much as think about touching the cool metal, the door swung open, promptly smacking Grimmjow in the face in the process. The sound and the resulting shriek could be heard in the human world. (Or so it was rumored.)


It was more likely that Grimmjow didn't kick puppies that morning than Ulquiorra looking surprised or questioning about the current situation. (The author finds it important to point out that Grimmjow is a cat person.)

"What are you doing?" Though there clearly should have been a question mark at the end of that statement, there was no indication of this in Ulquiorra's voice as he spoke to the man who was now lying on the ground.

"My nose, my fuckin' nose…" He whimpered, rolling over as if practicing the "Stop, drop and roll" technique that may or may not actually put out whatever part of you that had caught on fire. (Not that Grimmjow would know from experience, or anything.) For Grimmjow, it wasn't really helping the pain, either.

When the Sexta Espada had finally recovered enough to speak he replied with the award-winning bluffing technique of the year, "…nothing…"

Ulquiorra was not so convinced. "Didn't you read the sign?"

Grimmjow was tempted to say "No" but that would've gotten him even farther nowhere than had he replied with what he did. "..I can't read." Wait, wait, the author apologizes, what she meant to say was "Grimmjow replied with, "…I can't read." Which got him even farther nowhere than had he chosen a better (though not the best) answer of "no."

This caused a rather eerie silence. Though maybe it was only his imagination, Grimmjow swore he saw Ulquiorra's eyebrow (if that was the proper name for those things that should have been used to show emotion) raise however small of an amount. "Really." It was most definitely not a question.

"Err, of course not. I'm dumber than a pile of bricks." Was his reply. (Once again, the author apologizes for the intrusion upon the story but it was imperative that she say this, "YES, WE ALL KNOW GRIMMJOW IS A COMPLETE MORON.")


"…." Ulquiorra's eyes seemed to pierce Grimmjow straight into his soul, tempting him to deny the truth again. "ALRIGHT I LIED." He finally cracked, wanting to sob his eyes out, of only to cleanse them of the image of Ulquiorra's terrifying glare. "I READ THE SIGN AND I WAS GOING TO OPEN THE DOOR BECAUSE I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING, I'M SO SORRRRRYYYYYY!" He screamed, covering his face. "…please don't hurt me…"

Ulquiorra replied with, "Of course you were curious, you are a cat, after all."

Grimmjow whimpered again, awaiting his horrible punishment, whatever that might be. Ulquiorra, however, simple opened the door to him room. "Come in, if you must."

Grimmjow thought it was a trick, but knew better than to cross Ulquiorra now. Despite his mind screaming at him to run away, to run. Far. Away. He continued on into the room, bracing himself for whatever he might find.

The door slammed behind him, suddenly, before his eyes had a chance to adjust to the light, and he screamed out of pure terror. OHMYGOD I'M GOING TO DIE. His thoughts screamed but once his eyes adjusted he couldn't even so much as think.

Decorating the room were roses, red, white, purple, pink any color, and anything else pink or cute, really. It was like walking into a six year girls room, complete with a canopy queen sized bed and a tea table seated with animals with two open chairs (?) in the middle of the room.

Grimmjow stared. He could do nothing but. "…what the fu—" In an instant Ulquiorra's hand covered his mouth. Grimmjow clawed to remove it.

"Such language!" Ulquiorra reprimanded. "Not in front of the children." He hissed, motioning to the animals seated in various places around the room.

Grimmjow swore one winked at him.

He swallowed hard as Ulquiorra removed his hand, callously wiping it on his hakama. "alright, now WHO WANTS SOME TEA?!" He sang, suddenly transformed into a loving, caring, emotionful Ulquiorra.

If Grimmjow wasn't sure it was impossible, he was certain he'd have seen the man transform into a dress and put his hair into pigtails right there and then.

"…" Grimmjow's shock could not even begin to be expressed in words. He just stared, his jaw on the floor.

Ulquiorra merrily threw random clothes around the room before he picked out a turquoise colored dress with lace everywhere, not to mention such a low cut neck that it probably went well past Grimmjow's hollow hole. "Here, you can wear this!" Ulquiorra decided, tossing it to Grimmjow.

Grimmjow stared, in disbelief. "Muh?" Was his whimpered replied.

Ulquiorra's expression changed so quickly Grimmjow's head spun. "IF YOU DON'T, YOU KNOW WHAT I WILL DO TO YOU, DON'T YOU, GRIMMJOW."

Grimmjow felt his jaw drop again. He saluted and ran into the bathroom to change.

Reluctantly he emerged in the dress, which looked like it was made for him. It stopped just short of revealing any skin below his hollow hole (thank god) but it still revealed a good amount of what would have been cleavage had Grimmjow been a woman. The arms were belled at the top then tight at the wrist were cuffs suffocated his hands. The dress belled out to the ground, as well.

There was so much lace on it Grimmjow thought he'd drown when he put it on.

When he reentered the room he found Ulquiorra was wearing similar attire, but in a slightly different color. He smiled brightly as Grimmjow entered. "Grimmy-chan, come sit with me!" He waved his hand to motion Grimmjow into the tiny, flower patterned chair next to Ulquiorra's at the tea party table.

The reality of his situation began to sink in as he sat down.

I'm being held prisoner by an insane psychotic Espada who secretly enjoys tea parties with his stuffed animals… "Do they… have names?"

Ulquiorra nodded so fast Grimmjow got a headache. "OF COURSE, SILLY! " He waved his hand in such a gay way that Grimmjow felt like fainting right there. "That one's Floofy, that one's Poofy, that one's Pupsy, that one's Niipy, that one's Spoofy…"

It went on like that for ten minutes. Until Ulquiorra's face turned crimson as he got to a blue-colored cat plushie with what looked to be part of a mask crappily glued onto its jaw (since it was crooked) and odd marks on its eyes. "And… that one's special." His eyes glowed and his cheeks burned crimson with school-girl like passion. "Because… his name is… GRIMMY-CHAN."

Grimmjow choked on the tea he had been sipping through a cup so small he could swallow it in one gulp. "What?!" He demanded, but it sounded more like "PFAWAT?!" since he spit out the tea instantaneously. (It wasn't that great, anyway, since Pupsy had made it, Ulquiorra had explained earlier.)

Ulquiorra burned romantic-red from head to toe, shaking his head. "I… I know it's silly, but…" He looked straight at Grimmjow with school-girl determination, "I REALLY LIKE YOU, GRIMMJOW!"

Grimmjow choked on the air this time, having no more tea, and stared. Just stared at the man in front of him who was acting like a little anime-girl with her very first crush. It was all very… awkward.

Not to mention so disturbing that Grimmjow secretly wondered if this was his punishment for kicking those puppies earlier that day.

"I… don't know what to say?" It came out as a question for some reason, and obviously that meant nothing to Ulquiorra who squeed so loud it burst Grimmjow's sensitive ears both at once.

"I KNEW YOU FELT THE SAME WAY! I JUST KNEW IT!" He screamed, pouncing over the table in his dress to embrace Grimmjow, whispering, "I knew it…"

Grimmjow fell onto the floor, the man on top of him, hugging him and shoving his head into Grimmjow's non-existent boobs. "Sigh… how I've longed for this moment."

Grimmjow twitched, wishing desperately for some way out. "Um, erm, Ulquiorra? Can you... get off me?" He asked in a hoarse, barely controlled voice. "PLEASE?!"

Ulquiorra looked into his eyes and then grinned. It was such an evil maleficent grin than even Grimmjow himself could barely stand to look at it without having his eyes melt back into their sockets. "No." He replied stubbornly, the grin still upon his black lips. "Not until you kiss me."

Okay, now, admittedly, Grimmjow had been shell-shocked at first, and maybe even somewhat willing to go along with the whole freaking-insane situation but that was absolutely the very last straw. "NOOO!" He screamed, kicking, screaming and otherwise forcing the smaller man off of him in any way he could. "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!"

But the other man held on for dear life. He held on so tight to Grimmjow's dress that as Grimmjow forced him off, it ripped.

Now free, not caring how he looked, Grimmjow tore out of the room, running so fast down the halls that when he passed Aizen, the man only stopped for a few seconds, raised an eyebrow, smirked, and kept walking.

When he finally made it to his room he slammed the door shut, tore off the dress and jumped into his bath tub, without any water yet, not caring that he hated water or washing, and quickly turned on the water. It was scalding hot but details didn't matter to Grimmjow. He scrubbed his skin everywhere until it was raw and red. Then he was satisfied and he dressed.

From that day out, Grimmjow never so much as passed Ulquiorra's door.

The next time he saw him, the man grinned that same grin and told him, "Let's keep that incident our little secret, SHALL WE."

Grimmjow could do nothing but nod and write a mental note.

The next time you see a "Do Not Disturb" sign…


This was originally for my 100 Theme Challenge of Bleach-ness (which I have yet to finish) but it was so hilarious that I HAD to upload it prematurely. I'm going to upload all my themes in order once I finish the challenge but this... for Aizen-Sama's sake if you didn't laugh, you must NO sense of humor.

I NEVER laugh at my own writing but this was just hilarious, I mean COME ON WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS FIC?!?

I wrote this mostly because my friend complained that I don't write enough upbeat stuff.

Bleach (C) Tite Kubo