Based on Natasha Bedingfield's 'I Bruise Easily.' Derek-centric. It's kind of crude, so keep that in mind, and only read if you don't mind that. Hope you like this! It's my first try at a first-person thing. And no parentheticals! No Derek-denying-denial. Unbelievable, no?
DISCLAIMER: I'm starting to lose faith.
You hate everything about me.
You've hated me from that first glance, when you didn't even know who I was. You hate me because nobody knows you better than I do. Because from that first moment I didn't see that perfect girl with the perfect looks and perfect grades. That girl with every emotion compartmentalized neatly, every word just right and every expression like so.
I didn't see her at all.
I saw the other girl, the one hidden so carefully underneath those layers of pretence. The girl who was terrified at having to leave the ideal life behind, and take a plunge into the unknown. Because you've always been afraid of taking chances, of falling without that safety net to cushion the blow. Of finding out that you're actually flawed.
And maybe of finding out, that deep down inside, you might actually like it that way.
It's almost pathetic, how much you crave love. "Daddy says if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well." And you did everything well, and yet he left you. It broke you up, didn't it? Because Daddy's Little Princess hadn't been good enough.
You bruise so easily.
It's just too easy to get you riled up. All it takes is one look. One word. Then you're ripping my name in half, standing and screaming, and oh so aroused. And you're ashamed, because I'm your stepbrother. Perfect little girls don't do that to the images of their almost-brothers, whispering their name in the concealing darkness of their rooms. Did you really think I wouldn't know? You forget, the walls are too thin, and the heating vent is always left open.
But don't be embarrassed, because you turn me on too. Every time we fight, it becomes just that much harder to resist. To move away and pretend. To maintain this brilliant façade of mockery and just take cold showers and let it go. Because it's not enough.
It never will be.
You try to satisfy yourself with those boys. Make believe that your life is as it ought to be. Because Max and Sam are the people you're supposed to want. Picture perfect cardboard cut-outs. Like your life...before I entered it. And you find reasons to fight, to break-up because sometimes it's too hard to just pretend, isn't it?
You're raising yourself too high; till you're on that pinnacle you so desperately, desperately wanted to reach. Till you're actually looked at with respect and admiration, and you've managed to shove that other imperfect girl down. Down where nobody can see her, because she's hurt and flawed and all-too-human.
But the higher you rise, pretty girl, the harder you'll fall.
You're such a hypocrite, beautiful. You pretend to not care what other people think, to be your own person. So confident. And yet you don't see through the obvious six and a half rating, because you're so damned insecure. Everybody else saw through it, Case. But you stood in front of the mirror, beating yourself down with your own failings. The skirts are shorter, the shirts lower, and they're all staring. At you.
Does that make you happy? Because I find it pathetic to rely on others to be who you are.
You hated Sally. And you were even nicer to her because of it. You're so easy to read through. But only because I'm looking. That set of your head, the twist of your mouth, your words, they're all meaningless. I only look into your eyes. They never really learned how to lie, darling. You should keep them covered with those long lashes more often, because they give you away every single fucking time. You hated Sally, and it terrified you. Because really what was there to hate? She was so much like you wanted to be. Effortlessly perfect.
Too much like you, Case. She was too much like you.
Everything used to be black and white in your universe. Just wrong and right. Two-dimensional and safe. And now you're almost colorblind, because you've never seen this color before. And it's all grey, isn't it? That time when we danced together and you realized that my arm on your waist felt good. Those times when we stand too damn close, and you can't look straight at me. That time when you hated Emily, your best friend, when you caught us in the games closet.
And sometimes…sometimes I do all this just for you. Just to get that much deeper under your skin.
Don't think I don't know how much you try to tempt me. Flaunting your dance moves in the living room, wearing those skimpy clothes to bed. Because you fell so hard off that high horse of morality. And you want me to fall with you. To join you in your private hell, that new residence of yours. But guess what.
I was already there.
So go ahead, Case. Shout at me. Dust your dirty little secrets under the carpet once again. Close your eyes and pretend for one more day.
But in the end…in the end it won't matter.
Because we both know they're just words. Empty words, and touches and glances which aren't empty, as much as you'd like them to be. Whisper my name today, but someday, we both know I'll make you scream it.
We'll be drunk. Because you'll need a reason. All alone in college, it'll be easier to forget that we'll soon have a stronger familial relationship than just step-siblings. That soon a person will be sharing our blood. We'll slur our words and fight like all hell, till the air is charged and there are no more secrets. Because step-brother and brother. It's not the same fucking difference. You'll expect me to be harsh. To hurt you, and take what I want, like I always do. So you can get this immoral longing out of your system and go back to hating me in peace.
But I won't.
Because you bruise so easily, don't you?
I'll touch you gently. So gently; you'll be shivering with the desire. Till you're the one yielding to temptation. You'll give in to me completely, let down your guard, drop all your defenses, right down by your clothes. And I'll teach you how to fall, without any safety net.
And then I'll take you. More than just your body, Case. I'll take all of you, till you can't fake anymore. I'll fuck you so hard, that line between rightandwrong will never be drawn again.
Your skin will be a map, and you won't be able to hide the marks. But know this, Case; I'll leave my fingerprints on so much more than just your skin. You'll stand for hours in the shower, trying to wash away the sin, but it just won't go away. I'll leave you begging for more. Because I won't forget.
And I won't let you either.
And the next morning…the next morning you'll run. Refuse to meet my eyes. Swear it was all a mistake. Blame it on the alcohol (you needed a reason, remember?) You'll hook up with the first guy who'll take you, wearing that red bra and those silk panties that you take out whenever you want to feel beautiful. But he'll never get to see them. Because in the end…in the end you'll come back to me.
Just like you always do.
You hate me so much, Case. You hate me because I call you up on your bullshit. You hate me because I throw your pretty little world off-balance and make you feel. Raw, base and so very real.
But mostly you hate me, because deep down inside we both know.
You don't hate me at all.
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here.