In all of his years of killing and torturing people, Jeff hadn't heard anyone the one Melina was at the moment. Apparently contractions hurt, which was news to him. He hadn't given birth before, so it wasn't like he knew from personal experience or anything. But what he did know was this: she had been screaming for hours now and nobody else was home to shut her up, which was not good because he could not concentrate on torturing the runaway he had plucked off the street. "This is getting fucking ridiculous," he muttered as he went upstairs.
Melina was laying on the living room floor, her head drenched in sweat, her legs propped up and there was some blood on the floor now. "Jesus, are you still not done?" he asked.
She glared up at him. "Your spawn won't come out."
"My spawn? Hey, it takes two to tango lady." He stopped and grinned. "Or maybe it doesn't." He pretended like he was holding a chick in his arms and he began to dance around the living room until Melina's screaming became too much to ignore. "Okay, okay, I'll help! Just shut up for two seconds." He went into his room and put on a pair of rubber gloves. Then he grabbed a catchers mitt, some Vaseline and a thing of Pixie Stix because the baby would probably be hungry once it was out. "Okay, let's do this," he said as he came back into the living room.
Melina looked up at him like he was insane. The pain she was in had given her what appeared to be a temporary dose of sanity. "None of those are going to help!"
Jeff looked at his items. "The gloves will help," he said childishly. He got down on the floor and looked between her legs. "Ew! There's something coming out of there!"
The front door opened at that moment and in walked James. He dropped the bag he was holding and just stared at what was happening. "Damn it people! That carpet is brand new!"
Melina started screaming again, which snapped James out of his anger enough for him to start helping. "Jesus," he muttered. He sat down beside Melina. "Okay, just keep pushing. You have to push."
"I am pushing!" Jeff yelled. "It won't go back in!"
"Not you dummy!" James snapped. "She has to push. You just need to help pull the baby out."
"Oh." Jeff pouted as he tried to help get the baby out. It wasn't his fault that he hadn't known he was supposed to pull. He had heard the word push, so he had pushed.
"Fuck, she's bleeding all over the place," James muttered. "How long has she been in labor?"
"Why didn't you call anyone and say anything?"
"Because I was playing downstairs and I thought she could handle this on her own."
James sighed. "Jeff, we went over what you were supposed to have done like a thousand times over the past few months. Would it really have been so hard for you to do?"
"I said I was playing downstairs! That should explain everything to you old man."
"Well my fist connecting with your mouth should explain to you why you shouldn't call me that."
Melina screamed again. The baby was almost all the way out. Jeff got a good hold on it and pretty much yanked it out completely. "What the hell is that thing?" he asked, nodding towards the cord thing that was sticking out of the baby's belly button.
"It's the umbilical cord," James said. He took a knife out of his pocket and used it to cut it. He looked down at Melina. "Fucking shit, she doesn't look good. I wish Mark was here to take her to the hospital so we won't have to."
Mark and Glenn came home at that moment. James suddenly grinned and looked up at the ceiling. "I wish I had a million dollars."
No money magically appeared. Mark gave his best friend and sometimes lover a weird look. "What the hell are you going on about?"
Jeff started to sway from side to side as he looked at his son. The baby was crying and it was covered from head to toe in blood and something else that was kind of sticky, but Jeff really didn't mind. He just cooed and giggled insanely at the tiny infant.
"Uh…Jeff?" James said slowly. "Can you hand him over to one of us?"
Jeff took a defensive step backwards. "Why? It's my baby."
"But you kill babies," Glenn pointed out. "With alarming frequency."
"But this is MY baby," Jeff reminded them. "My little Nero Chainsaw Hardy."
"Jeff, your son's middle name can't be--" James stopped when he saw the look Jeff was giving him. "Okay, it can be Chainsaw. Stop looking like you want to stab me in the neck."
Jeff giggled. "See Nero? Grandpa is smarter than he looks."
"Oh you're pushing it kiddo."
"Okay, since when has him being thirty two made him fall under the category of being a kid?" Glenn asked.
Before James could snap at him, the light bulb that was in the room just randomly exploded. Jeff started to cackle. "What the hell was that?"
Mark pointed at Nero. "That thing was staring at it. I think it made the light bulb explode."
"Oh stop being paranoid and take Melina to the hospital," James ordered. "Nero did not make anything explode.
Mark gave him a skeptical look. "Oh you just wait Lawson. That grandkid of yours is pure demon spawn. I'm telling you that right now."
"But he's my demon spawn," Jeff said. "Oooh! I can call him Nero Chainsaw Demon Hardy!"
"Jeff you can't just…oh forget it," James said. "There's no reasoning with you."
Jeff switched back and forth between staring at the now three year old Nero and the "present" he had brought back from playing outside. "It's a dead kitty," he said.
"Yes," Nero said with a nod. He looked a lot like Jeff, but his skin tone was closer to Melina's color.
"Who killed the kitty?"
"Who's kitty was it?"
"I don't know. It just hissed at me and so I picked up a rock and bashed its head in."
Jeff grinned. Little Nero was very impulsive like he was. "Did you show Mommy the dead kitty?"
"What did she say?"
"I don't know. She said something about pixies and fairies and then she started spinning around really fast. She doesn't make sense Daddy."
Jeff nodded and scooped Nero into his arms. "Yeah, she's cuckoo. Cuckoo for Coca Puffs!" He started laughing madly and giving Nero Eskimo kisses.
"Guys!" Tammy yelled from the other room. "Come in here and look at this!"
Jeff took Nero into the other room and found everyone gathered around the TV. They were watching the news and this was the shocking headline on the bottom of the screen: Governor James Lawson announces bid for presidency.
"Oh dear God no!" Mark exclaimed. "He cannot do this?"
"What's going on Daddy?" Nero asked.
Jeff grinned. "Your grandpa wants to become president."
Kelly raised her hand. "Okay, I don't know about you guys, but if he wins, I'm hauling ass to Canada as fast as I can. I am not even joking."