*This story has been inspired by the brilliant cast of the Monty Python musical Spamalot in Cologne – a special thanks to Serkan Kaya, who is an inspiration in whatever role he is playing*
The wondrous story of the Black Knight, and what happened to him after he was left behind pinned to a tree by a sword with no arms or legs in a dark and very expensive forest by Arthur, King of the Britons
The Black Knight was big, and he was brave, and not afraid of anything. However, these qualities were of little use to him in his current situation. He had been stuck to a tree in this dark forest for what seemed like an eternity. No amount of wriggling, swearing and shouting had done anything to alleviate the situation. He was freezing cold, he was covered in goosebumps all over, even on his missing arms and legs, or so it felt. The darkness was so deep that he could not even see as far as the next tree.
And then there was this rustling, and something that sounded like footsteps, that seemed to get closer and closer.
"Who is there?" he exclaimed.
Somehow his voice didn't sound like he wanted it to, this was not the voice of a big strong scary knight, but of a scared little mouse. Not one to be beaten, he tried again.
"Who is there?" That was better – a deep, authoritative voice, the voice of a mighty knight, feared by all. He'd spread terror in these lands for years and years, since he'd arrived from a far-off country in the East. And why should the lack of arms and legs or being stuck to a tree make any difference to that? He could still spread terror, oh yes he could! Even if it was just by the sound of his voice.
The rustling stopped, and the woods were silent once more. Too silent...
He tried to make out any sound at all, but didn't manage. Tired out by the effort, his mind drifted back to that buffoon who called himself king of the Britons. Fancy that, sneakily cutting off his arms and legs and then wandering off pretending he'd won the fight... Thinking about this made him feel all hot under the collar again, and since he couldn't do much else he reverted to shouting.
"ANYBODY OUT HERE?"
At that moment, the moon appeared from behind the clouds and bathed the forest in a silvery glow. For a moment, the Black Knight was blinded by the sudden brightness and squeezed his eyes shut. When he opened them again, he found himself face to face with a stunningly beautiful creature. She had wavy blonde hair, and huge green eyes, and, as he noted with pleasure as his eyes went further down, was nicely padded in all the right places as well. She had seaweed wrapped around her head as well as her body, but he didn't mind – in fact, the colour of the seaweed enhanced the piercing green of her eyes perfectly.
She looked at him curiously and gave him a little smile, which in turn gave him a funny feeling inside his chest that was quite unfamiliar to him. He was a big brave Black Knight, but somehow, the not so big, not so brave but fairer knights who excelled at smooth talk had always fared better with the maidens. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out but a little squeaky sound. He quickly shut his mouth again, pretending that he hadn't really wanted to say anything in the first place.
She came closer to him, so close that he could take in her peculiar scent of water and seaweed.
"Oh dear, a knight without arms and legs... whatever happened to you?"
He tried and made himself look taller, a difficult undertaking without arms and legs and pinned to a tree, but being a brave knight, he had to try anyway.
"I lost them in a fight with a cowardly Englishman... he was afraid of me so he fight me to the end, but just pinned me to this tree and walked off... have you ever heard of such impudence?"
The girl shook her head and made a disapproving sound.
Encouraged by her sympathy, the Black Knight asked "Who are you then...er, fair maiden?"
She smiled at him sweetly. "I'm a Laker Girl. I live in the lake and I serve the Lady of the Lake, only I've had enough of being a servant. I decided to go off and see the world."
She paused and studied him thoroughly from top to midriff.
"You know, I think I can give you your arms and legs back..."
The Black Knight, feeling strangely unsettled by the inquisitive gaze of those green eyes, opened his mouth to ask how, when suddenly speech was made impossible as the beautiful maiden had started to kiss him! He was quite overwhelmed by the sweetness of this feeling. Soon, however, the sweetness was ousted by something else. A tingling, tickling feeling in his non-existent arms and legs that was getting stronger and stronger... Could it possibly be that he was getting his arms and legs back? His world began to loose focus, and he gave way to all the strange sensations washing over him and closed his eyes.
Finally the maiden withdrew from the kiss. The black knight opened his eyes as if awakening from a dream and looked at the girl, who, in turn, was looking at him in a slightly confused way.
"Oops..." she said.
Oops? Why oops? He wriggled a bit and looked down on himself – instead of the nothing there had been before, or the two strong legs he would have hoped for, there was an enormous fish tail, moist and glinting in the moonlight in all the colours of the rainbow. His eyes moved to where his arms should be – instead nothing, or two strong knight's arms there were pathetic little fins, fluttering in the light breeze like laundry on a clothesline.
A red hot fury took hold of him and he let out a mighty scream of frustration.
"What have you done, you wretched water flea – I'm a big brave knight, not a fish!"
Her big green eyes turned even bigger and wider, and her mouth quivered. Then she stepped quickly forward, pulled off his knight's helmet and smacked him with a surprising force for someone of her minuscule height. Without any further comment, she put his helmet back on again and stomped off.
The smack had not hurt our big fearless knight, but it had done a good job at cooling him down.
"Hey. Hey!! What are you doing? Where are you going? You can't just leave me here like that. Hey!! Come back. COME BACK!!"
The maiden took no notice, and walked off into the darkness of the forest, and the Black Knight was once again left on his own to contemplate his fate, still stuck to a tree, not limbless any more, but with a fish tail and fins.