This is a little short and un-epic, but I felt bad for not coming out with something for such a long time. I'm still alive, I promise!
FMLs written by each of the twilight characters. I'm not saying whose is whose, because trying to figure it out is just part of the fun!! They're all really obvious, anyway. lol. Admittedly, they're not in character at all, but if our fav vamps knew they were anonymous... maybe they wouldn't be. ;) I don't own twilight or fml. Sadness... I think either one would make me pretty rich.
So one day my sister calls me up and is all like "Oh, btdubz, the love of your life just jumped off a cliff. kthxbai." In my despair, I planned this really romantic suicide and spent a fortune on last-minute, one-way tickets to Italy. Turns out the girlfriend was just a poser all along, and now I'm stuck here in Italy and like, half my family is freaking out and the other half is guilty of grand theft auto. FML.
Last September, my brother decided it would be a fabulous idea to host his girlfriend's birthday party at our house. We tried to tell him that it was a stupid idea; none of us can even eat cake anyway. But of course, he didn't listen. So it's all fine and good until that clumsy human cut her finger on wrapping paper. Who does that? Anyway, I almost ate her, my brother dumped her ass, and then he ran away to Brazil. FML.
So life really sucked, and I decided to do what all Twilight characters do when life sucks, and I jumped off a cliff. I actually thought my plan might have worked out and I was almost through with my misery when this crazy blonde doctor comes over and is all like "I shall save you!" There were these three days of excruciating pain, and when I woke up, I was like "Okay, well, maybe life could be worse. Blonde doctor is actually pretty hot. We can have babies." Then he's like "Oh, almost forgot - we're both undeads. No babies." FML.
My brother decided to bring his girlfriend back to our house to meet our whole family. They'd been dating for like, a week. WTF is with that? Anyway. My mom told me to go to the grocery store after school and get stuff to make her some kind of random Italian food. First of all, I had no idea what to get. I hadn't been to a grocery store in like 75 years. After being hit on by a hideous cashier, almost going on a rampage-feeding-frenzy in the butcher section, and turning a shopping cart into scrap metal in frustration, my brother informs me that the human has already eaten. FML.
I was feeling kind of bad for my son, because he was all alone and whatnot. And it was kind of my fault for condeming him to eternity as a vampire. In order to save him from his aloneness, I went out and found him an outrageously beautiful half-dead blonde just his age. After going to all the trouble to turn her into a vampire, I introduce them. He calls her a materialistic airhead and she slaps him. Then she looks at me and says "This sucks. I want babies. Change me back." What's with all these friggin women wanting friggin babies so friggin bad? FML.
So my brother is married to a newborn vampire, and I got a little bit hopeful that she might totally screw up and make my record look a little better. My wife is always holding those two random lapses in self-control over my head. I've tried to tell her, we can't all massacre seven people and still not drink any blood, but whatever. My little sister-in-law seemed like she could be a little vicious. It was worth a try. But no. On her first hunt, she passes these hikers and totally does nothing at all. Later, her explanation was, "What if they were people I knew?!" FML.
My husband and I were on our honeymoon, and I totally realized I hadn't brought any contraceptives or anything. I asked him what we should do, and he was pretty much like "It's okay, babe, I don't even have a pulse. I can't knock you up." Long story short, I'm now pregnant with a crazy-strong vamp fetus and drinking A positive blood out of a bendy straw. FML.
So basically I just got this warrant for arrest. It's all in Italian, and all I can make out is something about a Porsche and a life-sentence. FML.